Multiplicity: Change is Easier When You Think of Your “I” as a “We”
September 17th, 2008 |
By Mary Disharoon, MA, LMFT
Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Author’s Note: This article was written as a way of introducing the idea of inner selves and the benefits of Voice Dialogue to my new clients.
The word multiplicity means “the state of having many parts or aspects”. Recognizing that you have many different parts or aspects that make up the wholeness of who you are indicates that you are complex and that you’re able to accept that fact.
You might have grown up hearing about someone in the news or a character in a book or a movie who had “multiple personalities” and you learned to associate it with being crazy. You chose to think of yourself as one coherent self, with one inner identity, operating in one body because that was your idea of psychological health and normalcy.
But, in reality, healthy people have many different inner parts that make up their “I”. When you can get to know the many different aspects of your own personality, you’ll be more able to be proud of yourself when you meet your own standards and you’ll be more able to forgive yourself when you don’t. You’ll even be more able to question your own standards and be flexible, if that is what you wish.
And with others, you’ll have an easier time too. Especially when they don’t act consistently with who you thought they were. As you accept them as authentic, no matter what parts of themselves they are exposing to you, you will be less confused and more able to effectively respond to what it is they are saying or doing.
A good example of this is when you go through a relationship break-up. The person you knew to be kind and loving towards you seems to change into someone else. This someone else can be cold and selfish, and you begin to question whether the time you had spent together was ever “real”. When you recognize that we all have a multiplicity to our personalities, then you can appreciate what you and your ex once had together, and also recognize that another aspect of him or her is now coming out. This allows you to treasure the good from the past and also accept when it’s over and time to move on.
Another example is when you are parenting, and you recognize your child is in a pleasing part, seeking your approval and connection. And at other times, you see a rebellious part coming out in her, as your child disagrees with you and claims her independence, even if it means she gets in trouble. Both are authentic parts of your child, and both are necessary resources for the child to develop so she can be an independent individual (rebel) and a person able to be accommodating in a relationship (pleaser).
Making a decision can be confusing and overwhelming. It will get easier when you can separate your own opposing opinions and think of them as distinct inner selves. You might have a brave part of you that wants a particular outcome, but a fearful side of yourself is holding you back. Concern about what others might think of you could be a third inner self that would like to weigh in on the discussion.
On a more personal note, let’s look at weight loss. You might have a health-oriented part that really wants you to lose weight and is ready to help you change. You might have an inner critic part that criticizes you and undermines your progress. You might have an exhausted part that prevents you from exercising. You might have an impulsive part that gets you to eat without thinking or a comfort eater that chooses ice cream to change your mood whenever you feel down. And you might have a doubting part that fills you with hopelessness whenever you try to make changes for your health. The diversity of this group of inner parts can make weight loss challenging.
But if you can open to thinking of yourself as having different inner selves, each with its own beliefs, attitudes, emotions, urges and body sensations, you will be freer to experience them without being controlled by them. And once you can think of them as separate inner selves, you can develop your ability to be their leader by taking charge of them and managing them.
Voice Dialogue is a therapeutic method developed by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone that can help you know and experience the energy of your many different inner selves so you can manage them with the leadership of an Aware Ego process.
Once you develop an Aware Ego process, you will be able to choose which inner self you want to favor, without abandoning the other parts of yourself. This does not necessarily mean pleasing both sides, but finding a way to connect with and consciously carry the disappointment of the side that doesn’t get its way with you. On some occasions, you might even blend the energy of two different selves to create a response for yourself that feels like an inner compromise.
By embracing your inner diversity and holding your many selves with an Aware Ego process, you will be able to appreciate and accept yourself in the fullness of your own being. You will also be better able to accept others in their fullness too. And all of this change will be easier to accomplish when you think of your “I” as a “We”.
©Copyright 2008 by Mary Disharoon, MA, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
11 comments so far
Thanks so much for this very insightful article. I too have gone through a breakup with someone and as soon as the relationship was over I found myself wondering who in the world this other person was and how I had ever endured a long relationship with him. This helps to perfectly explain the situation. I agree that we all have different parts of ourselves that emerge in differing situations, and it is great to finally have someone say to us that this is OK, it is just part of who we are and that we have to learn to love and accept all of these diverse parts of our personality. I guess it is true that one aspect or another will always be dominant but the nuances that we all posess are what make us all unique and individual and this is something I would not ever trade for anything in the world.
Does it really help in thinking of ourselves as many different selves. It feels right and wrong. This article puts a waddle in my step. I am a very short tempered person and am married with a child. Sometimes he tells on my patience and I snap more easily than my husband. I whacked him once really hard. I pulled myself together before I could lay another hard one on him simply because I was ashamed of being provocated by my own child. If I had allowed myself to think that the anger part of me is one self and the goodness part of me is another self, there may have been times when I wouldn’t have been able to tell one from the other. Its very easy to forgive ourselves when no harm is done when the bad self shows up. In my opinion this is an easy way of accepting who we are and learning to live with ourselves but everybody knows that each day gets better when we learn to change what others dont like in us.
Vibrant health is not just the absence of disease; it’s a joyfulness that should be inside us all the time. It’s a state of positive wellbeing which is not only physical but emotional, psychological and ultimately even spiritual.
Just because there are multiple facets of your personality it does not mean that all of them are right or that you have to act on all of them. It is just that these things are built into who you are and you have to come to know them and make them an integrated part of the whole self.
so much easier to accept this rather than being hard on ourselves and withdrawing into a shell… this is a really fresh way of learning to let go by accepting the myriad facets that make up our personality… i’m a teacher by profession and this gives me a better insight into my students. …
I appreciate all of these responses to my article. I think this way of thinking (multiplicity) allows an openness and acceptance and, if necessary, management of one side of yourself, so that you can realize there is another side that could be accessed (1) instead of, or (2) in addition to. This is moving from either-or, to both-and thinking. You can still choose the “good self”, but you will have your arm around the “bad self” because there is probably a vulnerability underneath it that could use comforting. This is very similar to parenting. A parent can stay connected to their child and nurture while still saying “no”.
That is a great way to put that. Thanks for the extra insight, Mary.
how do i explain all this to my sister who is driving herself and us up the wall cos she is unable to let go of her jealousy. She is doing crazy things to get back at a common friend who stole her boyfriend of 5 years. There are moments when she is very sensible and very sweet…its very frustrating to see her rotting when everyone else has a life!!
the part about weight loss was totally me. that’s exactly the million things that go on in my head. I am still losing the 10 lbs i have to. i guess I can make a new start and not feel guilty about it. itt feels good when u can forgive urself and not feel guilty about procrastination
Jenna, the problem you mention about your sister is something that could be addressed with a lot of different modalities of therapy, not just Voice Dialogue. Developing a relationship of trust with a therapist, and beginning to look more deeply at herself, working with her grief and what is in her past that might be contributing to her holding on to this pain, will all help her move into healing and growth. Within the context of a supportive therapeutic relationship, she might look at her jealousy as an “inner self” and therefore get to know it, and understand it and learn to care for this part of herself by meeting her unmet needs. But first and foremost, I think she needs a therapist to “walk with her” as she faces and moves through her pain.
Samantha, Procrastination certainly does keep us from tackling what we want to change. Instead of feeling guilty, why don’t you look at the Procrastination as an inner self. Let it write in a journal, and tell you what it wants to say to you. You might find that it is trying to help you in its own way, to keep you from failing, or discovering you can’t, or some such thing that would not actually be true about you if you could separate from the Procrastination self and really get in there and “do it”, whatever it is you are wanting to accomplish.