Comments on: Mixed-Orientation Marriage http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/ Exploring Healthy Psychotherapy Sun, 21 Mar 2010 09:46:54 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9 hourly 1 By: Joshua Johanson http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-28238 Joshua Johanson Tue, 09 Mar 2010 19:27:14 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-28238 Not all mixed-orientation marriages are a betrayal of trust. Within the first month of dating my current wife, I told her I was sexually attracted to other men and not to women. We have worked on openness and honesty in our marriage, and feel we have a stronger marriage than most straight couples. I think one problem is that therapists usually see the trouble cases. They don't see good, strong mixed-orientation marriages. Not all mixed-orientation marriages are a betrayal of trust. Within the first month of dating my current wife, I told her I was sexually attracted to other men and not to women. We have worked on openness and honesty in our marriage, and feel we have a stronger marriage than most straight couples. I think one problem is that therapists usually see the trouble cases. They don’t see good, strong mixed-orientation marriages.

]]> By: Nate http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-20803 Nate Mon, 24 Aug 2009 04:09:35 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-20803 Hey all, Thoughtful discussion, and timely, I suppose. I'm the young adult son of a gay man and a straight woman. My mom was recently, horribly, clued into my father's identity, and I'm still having trouble dealing with a lot of the emotional rollercoaster of it all... it's a very complicated issue, made more complicated by the fact that I'm openly gay myself, and have been out for the last three years to my parents. I'm having trouble finding any support groups for LGBT kids (even in their 20's like me) of mixed-orientation couples. Does anyone know of any? I'm familiar with SSN (as my mom has connected with them), but I feel lost to find someone to connect with... any ideas are appreciated. Thank you. Hey all,

Thoughtful discussion, and timely, I suppose. I’m the young adult son of a gay man and a straight woman. My mom was recently, horribly, clued into my father’s identity, and I’m still having trouble dealing with a lot of the emotional rollercoaster of it all… it’s a very complicated issue, made more complicated by the fact that I’m openly gay myself, and have been out for the last three years to my parents. I’m having trouble finding any support groups for LGBT kids (even in their 20’s like me) of mixed-orientation couples. Does anyone know of any? I’m familiar with SSN (as my mom has connected with them), but I feel lost to find someone to connect with… any ideas are appreciated. Thank you.

]]> By: Sue Ellen http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-18055 Sue Ellen Wed, 20 May 2009 13:34:57 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-18055 Thanks. Thanks.

]]> By: Sue Ellen http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-18053 Sue Ellen Wed, 20 May 2009 13:33:11 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-18053 My current husband's ex is a self-confirmed lesbian. It is a sad story. He was so lonely and ignored in this sexless, six year marriage that when he met me we began to see each other while he was still married. He fell in love with me and went through a horrible divorce to be with me. His ex blamed the affair on the marriage ending and played the victim to everyone around her, but how ironic that less than one year after the divorce was final she came out of the closet! Talk about feeling duped. My husband has had to pay out large sums of alimony to this woman who perpetrated a fraud! She has two gay siblings and a gay uncle. I only wish she had told him BEFORE they had two children together (in vitro--no sex you see). She had these kids for her parents because her siblings have no children. I feel sorry for the children. They are very young, but hopefully will not be too affected by her lies and now her new lifestyle. My concern is for my husband. He is so angry about feeling duped. He wants to know why she did not tell him she was a lesbian during the marriage. He has confronted her in writing about all of this, but she will not respond. She refuses to talk to him about anything other than the children and even those conversations are about 10 seconds or less. My current husband’s ex is a self-confirmed lesbian. It is a sad story. He was so lonely and ignored in this sexless, six year marriage that when he met me we began to see each other while he was still married. He fell in love with me and went through a horrible divorce to be with me. His ex blamed the affair on the marriage ending and played the victim to everyone around her, but how ironic that less than one year after the divorce was final she came out of the closet! Talk about feeling duped. My husband has had to pay out large sums of alimony to this woman who perpetrated a fraud! She has two gay siblings and a gay uncle. I only wish she had told him BEFORE they had two children together (in vitro–no sex you see). She had these kids for her parents because her siblings have no children. I feel sorry for the children. They are very young, but hopefully will not be too affected by her lies and now her new lifestyle. My concern is for my husband. He is so angry about feeling duped. He wants to know why she did not tell him she was a lesbian during the marriage. He has confronted her in writing about all of this, but she will not respond. She refuses to talk to him about anything other than the children and even those conversations are about 10 seconds or less.

]]> By: Mari Martinez http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-16688 Mari Martinez Thu, 02 Apr 2009 00:07:28 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-16688 I was deceived into a relationship and then a 6 years marriage with someone who is bi. Learning from someone else and not my ex-husband about this was a real shocker. I was then able to put the pieces together of certain events (it was not intended but I met his male lover). Some very fundamental principles were disregarded by my ex. The first and most important, I believe, is to paticipate to your potential mates the truth...let this person know so that he/she can make an informed decision about whether or not to get into a relationship. I was not participated of this information. I have had difficulty with this deception. I can understand how he might felt to go ahead and put up such a front for me, our families, friends and society in general. However, my feelings, my opinion and my freedom of choice was not respected. I know of another acquaintance who experienced a similar situation. He at least learned the truth from his mate. His reactions were similar to mine. In spite of immediately terminating the relationship and seeking a divorce, I have many things to be grateful to my ex. I have a college education thanks to his support. I was deceived into a relationship and then a 6 years marriage with someone who is bi. Learning from someone else and not my ex-husband about this was a real shocker. I was then able to put the pieces together of certain events (it was not intended but I met his male lover). Some very fundamental principles were disregarded by my ex. The first and most important, I believe, is to paticipate to your potential mates the truth…let this person know so that he/she can make an informed decision about whether or not to get into a relationship. I was not participated of this information. I have had difficulty with this deception. I can understand how he might felt to go ahead and put up such a front for me, our families, friends and society in general. However, my feelings, my opinion and my freedom of choice was not respected. I know of another acquaintance who experienced a similar situation. He at least learned the truth from his mate. His reactions were similar to mine. In spite of immediately terminating the relationship and seeking a divorce, I have many things to be grateful to my ex. I have a college education thanks to his support.

]]> By: Denise Humphrey http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-16423 Denise Humphrey Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:06:27 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-16423 Laurie, your personal story contains conditions that persons living in the mixed-orientation predicament will certainly understand. Despite the fact that your husband isn't monogamous and avoids seeking treatment regarding sexual identity, reasons for remaining together at this time feel profound: you have 2 children that are cherished, you have a family home and joint community, and you are connected with your husband as a parent, friend and financial partner. At the same time, repercussions can be melanchology and morose. So take care of yourself, and find peaceful and enriching ways to live your life. I hope your husband will seek treatment at some point in order to address possible denial, understanding, and acceptance of his sexual orientation. Knowing our essential self is significant. Laurie, your personal story contains conditions that persons living in the mixed-orientation predicament will certainly understand. Despite the fact that your husband isn’t monogamous and avoids seeking treatment regarding sexual identity, reasons for remaining together at this time feel profound: you have 2 children that are cherished, you have a family home and joint community, and you are connected with your husband as a parent, friend and financial partner.

At the same time, repercussions can be melanchology and morose. So take care of yourself, and find peaceful and enriching ways to live your life. I hope your husband will seek treatment at some point in order to address possible denial, understanding, and acceptance of his sexual orientation. Knowing our essential self is significant.

]]> By: Laurie Smith http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-16379 Laurie Smith Sun, 22 Mar 2009 21:36:04 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-16379 I am married with 2 children, I take care of my husbands ill mother and we built a home for all of us including father in law up stairs. My husband was sexually abused as a child and uses that excuse for the cheating on me with a man. I feel for him, And want to remain good friends, and after 10 years of trying to get him to talk to me, and go get help he refuses. I have made a decision. I refuse to bring this pain to my children. He isn't affectionate with me, so the children won't even notice that we aren't cuddling. This house is big enough for all, and I want to live with him, as friends, the only thing that will change is the booty calls in the middle in night with me. I choose not to be with a non monogamous person. I love him but we are not in love with each other. Our kids are the most important thing here. And We run a business together, we need to continue on and when time goes on and the children are older and can understand more, they will learn why we stayed together, but until then, our personal sexual life is not comming home. Until it is neccesary. I have a responsibility to take care of his mom, he can't do it alone, the market is horrible to sell. And We are self employeed together as a team. It is a crappy situation, but I feel good keeping the family together, because even if not in passionate love, he and I will always be a family, because of our beautiful children. The problem is , he doesn't want to really be with a man. He says he just needs that release when he thinks about it. I just can't give him that release, This discovery and cheating has made me lose my feeling of sexyiness, and I can't trust him in that department. I love him as a friend, And I care , and don;t want to divorce him and take it all. I want us both to be happy, and have our children there. I work at night too, He can stay with the kids. I have them during the day. and help run the business. Everything can stay the same. But if I fall in love and want to move on slowly things may change. but now is not the time. He is so ashamed, He doesn't want to do things with men, but won't get help. I can't help him. I guess that's all I am married with 2 children, I take care of my husbands ill mother and we built a home for all of us including father in law up stairs. My husband was sexually abused as a child and uses that excuse for the cheating on me with a man. I feel for him, And want to remain good friends, and after 10 years of trying to get him to talk to me, and go get help he refuses. I have made a decision. I refuse to bring this pain to my children. He isn’t affectionate with me, so the children won’t even notice that we aren’t cuddling. This house is big enough for all, and I want to live with him, as friends, the only thing that will change is the booty calls in the middle in night with me. I choose not to be with a non monogamous person. I love him but we are not in love with each other. Our kids are the most important thing here. And We run a business together, we need to continue on and when time goes on and the children are older and can understand more, they will learn why we stayed together, but until then, our personal sexual life is not comming home. Until it is neccesary.
I have a responsibility to take care of his mom, he can’t do it alone, the market is horrible to sell. And We are self employeed together as a team.
It is a crappy situation, but I feel good keeping the family together, because even if not in passionate love, he and I will always be a family, because of our beautiful children.
The problem is , he doesn’t want to really be with a man.
He says he just needs that release when he thinks about it. I just can’t give him that release, This discovery and cheating has made me lose my
feeling of sexyiness, and I can’t trust him in that department. I love him as a friend, And I care , and don;t want to divorce him and take it all. I want us both to be happy, and have our children there.
I work at night too, He can stay with the kids. I have them during the day. and help run the business. Everything can stay the same.
But if I fall in love and want to move on slowly things may change. but now is not the time.
He is so ashamed, He doesn’t want to do things with men, but won’t get help. I can’t help him.
I guess that’s all

]]> By: Gabi Clayton http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14873 Gabi Clayton Tue, 27 Jan 2009 18:53:05 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14873 Felix, you wrote, "For those who are not bisexual it is not right to enter a heterosexual committed relationship under any circumstances. If you cant be fair to your own self you cant be fair to your partner." Sexual orientation is about attraction, not behavior. A person can be straight, gay, or bisexual and be in a monogamous relationship - or not - with someone of the same or other gender. The difference is about commitment. Felix, you wrote, “For those who are not bisexual it is not right to enter a heterosexual committed relationship under any circumstances. If you cant be fair to your own self you cant be fair to your partner.”

Sexual orientation is about attraction, not behavior.

A person can be straight, gay, or bisexual and be in a monogamous relationship – or not – with someone of the same or other gender. The difference is about commitment.

]]> By: Kate http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14767 Kate Fri, 23 Jan 2009 20:51:32 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14767 I appreciate the candid explanation and discussion about mixed-orientation marriages. I, for one, am the straight spouse in such a marriage. My spouse of nearly 12 years has not yet come to terms with his orientation identity (which we "discovered" a few years into our marriage). The stress to keep it contained is a self-imposed pressure cooker for him, especially since he works in a very sensitive career area. The real tragedy is truly in the fear that drives deception and denial, especially when it resides so deeply within an individual struggling to address his or her own orientation issues in a healthy and meaningful way. Yes, of course - - I would have appreciated having full and fair disclosure of my spouse's orientation struggles prior to our marriage, yet I can understand why he chose to suppress it and cover it. Life does have a way of throwing a few curve balls now and then, yet the growing numbers of mixed-orientation marriages seems to suggest that this family dynamic has greater widespread roots. Clearly, the need is great for further understanding and supportive resources for members of mixed-orientation marriages and their families. I appreciate the candid explanation and discussion about mixed-orientation marriages. I, for one, am the straight spouse in such a marriage. My spouse of nearly 12 years has not yet come to terms with his orientation identity (which we “discovered” a few years into our marriage). The stress to keep it contained is a self-imposed pressure cooker for him, especially since he works in a very sensitive career area. The real tragedy is truly in the fear that drives deception and denial, especially when it resides so deeply within an individual struggling to address his or her own orientation issues in a healthy and meaningful way. Yes, of course – - I would have appreciated having full and fair disclosure of my spouse’s orientation struggles prior to our marriage, yet I can understand why he chose to suppress it and cover it. Life does have a way of throwing a few curve balls now and then, yet the growing numbers of mixed-orientation marriages seems to suggest that this family dynamic has greater widespread roots. Clearly, the need is great for further understanding and supportive resources for members of mixed-orientation marriages and their families.

]]> By: Felix http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14763 Felix Fri, 23 Jan 2009 11:53:12 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14763 I think being honest is most important in a marriage. Being honest with oneself is as important as being honest with a spouse. For those who are not bisexual it is not right to enter a heterosexual committed relationship under any circumstances. If you cant be fair to your own self you cant be fair to your partner. I think being honest is most important in a marriage. Being honest with oneself is as important as being honest with a spouse. For those who are not bisexual it is not right to enter a heterosexual committed relationship under any circumstances. If you cant be fair to your own self you cant be fair to your partner.

]]> By: Steve http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14599 Steve Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:50:08 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14599 But what aboutt hose who choose to play out all of this out on the national stage like the former governor of NJ. Think about how tough this kind of situation already is and to then to have it all unfold in public has to be even worse. But what aboutt hose who choose to play out all of this out on the national stage like the former governor of NJ. Think about how tough this kind of situation already is and to then to have it all unfold in public has to be even worse.

]]> By: Gabi Clayton http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14565 Gabi Clayton Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:44:49 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14565 There are resources such as COLAGE http://www.colage.org/which offers support and resources for children with LGBTQ parents, and the Straight Spouse Network (SSN) http://www.straightspouse.org/ and the article "Thoughts on a Father's Coming Out to His Children" - by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D. (who is founder of the Straight Spouse Network) - posted here: http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/2961/Document/AMITY1.HTM Also, there is a whole spectrum of orientation, and some people are not one or the other but may be bisexual -- attracted to both genders. They may be committed to one person depending on who they fall in love with, or they may leave one marriage for another relationship, sometimes after having children in the previous - just as straight people do. There are resources such as COLAGE http://www.colage.org/which offers support and resources for children with LGBTQ parents, and the Straight Spouse Network (SSN) http://www.straightspouse.org/ and the article “Thoughts on a Father’s Coming Out to His Children” – by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D. (who is founder of the Straight Spouse Network) – posted here: http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/2961/Document/AMITY1.HTM

Also, there is a whole spectrum of orientation, and some people are not one or the other but may be bisexual — attracted to both genders. They may be committed to one person depending on who they fall in love with, or they may leave one marriage for another relationship, sometimes after having children in the previous – just as straight people do.

]]> By: Susannah http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14545 Susannah Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:14:16 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14545 My parents stayed together when we were kids for all of the wrong reasons and I remember there being days where I willed them to divorce in my head because I just could not take it any longer. I would bet that children in these mixed orientation marriages feel the same way. There is nothing wrong with being who you are sexually but it is not right for kids to have to see their parents go thru such misery. My parents stayed together when we were kids for all of the wrong reasons and I remember there being days where I willed them to divorce in my head because I just could not take it any longer. I would bet that children in these mixed orientation marriages feel the same way. There is nothing wrong with being who you are sexually but it is not right for kids to have to see their parents go thru such misery.

]]> By: Allison http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14523 Allison Tue, 13 Jan 2009 12:28:57 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14523 I agree Jennifer... children are smart and they pick up on things quickly. Lot of times I have heard children, when they get older, saying, "why don't you two just get divorced or separate." It causes a lot of havoc on some children and they deserve the truth, peace and happiness as well. I agree Jennifer… children are smart and they pick up on things quickly. Lot of times I have heard children, when they get older, saying, “why don’t you two just get divorced or separate.” It causes a lot of havoc on some children and they deserve the truth, peace and happiness as well.

]]> By: Jennifer http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14505 Jennifer Mon, 12 Jan 2009 20:29:18 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14505 Personally I think that staying together in these types of situations can also do harm to everyone. It is just like straight families who need to get a divorce. Never just stay in the relationship just for the children because often this will do them more harm than good. Personally I think that staying together in these types of situations can also do harm to everyone. It is just like straight families who need to get a divorce. Never just stay in the relationship just for the children because often this will do them more harm than good.

]]> By: Denise Humphrey http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14499 Denise Humphrey Mon, 12 Jan 2009 18:20:28 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14499 I want to thank all of you for your comments regarding the conflicts of a mixed-orientation marriage. Your statements reflect issues related to how this situation occurs in our society. Although most gay or lesbian individuals are aware of their sexual orientation by the time they marry, they typically struggle with internal and/or external homophobia based on areas mentioned in my article: family of origin, religious ideology, and the "cultural norm" regarding sexual orientation. There are only about a third of mixed marriages where the partners choose to remain together. Another third attempt to work through the situation, but eventually choose divorce, and the other third divorce immediately. In other words, about 2/3 end in divorce. When working with these couples, my goal is never to guide them in either direction, but to help each person understand the tragedy that the other is enduring, and to remain loving and caring whether the final decision is to remain together or divorce. From my experience with clients and a family member, one of the major dilemmas for the children (depending on their age) is deception. Being gay or lesbian is not as debilitating as deception. So it is extremely important to meet the needs of the children...maintaining a civil relationship is imperative! I want to thank all of you for your comments regarding the conflicts of a mixed-orientation marriage. Your statements reflect issues related to how this situation occurs in our society. Although most gay or lesbian individuals are aware of their sexual orientation by the time they marry, they typically struggle with internal and/or external homophobia based on areas mentioned in my article: family of origin, religious ideology, and the “cultural norm” regarding sexual orientation.

There are only about a third of mixed marriages where the partners choose to remain together. Another third attempt to work through the situation, but eventually choose divorce, and the other third divorce immediately. In other words, about 2/3 end in divorce. When working with these couples, my goal is never to guide them in either direction, but to help each person understand the tragedy that the other is enduring, and to remain loving and caring whether the final decision is to remain together or divorce.

From my experience with clients and a family member, one of the major dilemmas for the children (depending on their age) is deception. Being gay or lesbian is not as debilitating as deception. So it is extremely important to meet the needs of the children…maintaining a civil relationship is imperative!

]]> By: Valerie http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14485 Valerie Mon, 12 Jan 2009 12:04:41 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14485 Society seems to down mixed orientation marriages and although I can see how it's bad for the children involved, I think to each their own. I think everyone deserves to be happy whether it be with a straight partner or partners that lead a mixed orientation life. Society seems to down mixed orientation marriages and although I can see how it’s bad for the children involved, I think to each their own. I think everyone deserves to be happy whether it be with a straight partner or partners that lead a mixed orientation life.

]]> By: Jennifer http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14483 Jennifer Mon, 12 Jan 2009 11:09:09 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14483 I agree with Megan. A mature adult consenting to get married should be able to tell their partner everything there is to be known before signing the register. If the partner feels bad and decides to walk away it is definitely better than dragging the whole boat down especially if the children are on board. We dont choose our sexual orientation but being truthful is a choice. I agree with Megan. A mature adult consenting to get married should be able to tell their partner everything there is to be known before signing the register. If the partner feels bad and decides to walk away it is definitely better than dragging the whole boat down especially if the children are on board. We dont choose our sexual orientation but being truthful is a choice.

]]> By: Maddie http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14467 Maddie Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:28:50 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14467 I would hate to think I would have to lead an unhappy life being married as a straight person when I'm actually gay, lesbian, etc... It would be so nice if people accepted one another as whom they are. I would hate to think I would have to lead an unhappy life being married as a straight person when I’m actually gay, lesbian, etc… It would be so nice if people accepted one another as whom they are.

]]> By: Kimm http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/mixed-orientation-marriage/comment-page-1/#comment-14465 Kimm Sun, 11 Jan 2009 17:26:56 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1331#comment-14465 I happen to agree with you Megan.... The children are the ones, who at an innocent age, will have to endure a lot of ignorant comments from others... Adult who are in this situation are adult enough to handle their own criticism from others, although I don't think it's right for society to treat them this way. I happen to agree with you Megan…. The children are the ones, who at an innocent age, will have to endure a lot of ignorant comments from others… Adult who are in this situation are adult enough to handle their own criticism from others, although I don’t think it’s right for society to treat them this way.

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