Mixed-Orientation Marriage
January 9th, 2009 |
By Denise Humphrey, Ph.D.
Click here to contact Denise and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
If hearing the term “mixed-orientation” marriage is unclear, let me begin by explaining. It isn’t about marriages of different races or religions, but about a marriage in which one person is gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and the other person is straight. In this article, I am referring specifically to gay/lesbian individuals who need to deny to themselves and/or others that this is their sexual orientation, and therefore don’t disclose to the straight partner. In other words, they enter the marriage as a “traditional” heterosexual couple, and their true sexual orientation remains “in the closet.” Research in the area of mixed-orientation marriages reveals that up to 2 million couples are in this situation (Amity Pierce Buxton), but statistics are increasing since more gay people in this type of marriage are coming out. When they do, the marriage often enters a crisis.
How is it that gay or lesbian individuals privately proceed to a traditional marriage? Much or most is due to family of origin history, childhood school systems, religious boundaries, and the culture at large. Societal homophobia can become internalized, causing schemas of shame, fears of rejection by parents and friends, concerns of disappointing family members or co-workers, identity confusion, and much, much more. However, denial of true sexual identity can create a lonely world full of hunger and isolation that stifles their need to live vibrantly alive. It usually creates intense internal conflict, especially if children are part of the family, because the gay spouse often wants to be part of both worlds.
This type of marriage typically operates underground until the gay/lesbian spouse either discloses his/her true sexual identity or is “outed.” Regardless, when the gay person “comes out,” the straight person usually falls “into the closet,” becoming isolated as s/he grapples with this news. Issues of trust, betrayal, shame, comfort, how or if to inform the children, whether to remain together or depart are all agonizing predicaments, often creating a bind for both partners. Joe Kort, a therapist who works with those in mixed-orientation marriages shares that “When a gay person comes out to his or her straight spouse, the couple is likely to embark on a roller-coaster ride of emotional stages that often encompass humiliation, revenge, renewed hope, rage, and finally, resolution. While each couple is unique, these stages can serve as a rough road map for therapists trying to help mixed-orientation couples make sense of their feelings, communicate honestly, and ultimately make informed, healthy decisions about their future.” Working through hurt and bitter feelings and arriving at a resolution is just as important as whether or not the marriage endures.
Therapists who encounter couples in mixed-orientation marriages will be most helpful if they are “culturally competent” regarding issues of homophobia, since fears of experiencing contempt or antipathy from society at large is a primary factor for the “hidden” gay/lesbian/bisexual individual, and likely for the straight spouse as well. The Straight Spouse Network is a general resource for couples in mixed-orientation marriages, but finding a therapist with knowledge and understanding of both partners’ struggle is essential.
©Copyright 2009 by Denise Humphrey, Ph.D.. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Denise and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
22 comments so far
I would think that this would be a terrible tragedy for any family to endure. I feel bad for the gay partner who felt he or she had to put their own sexuality aside just to conform to what society feels is the norm. I also feel terrible for the partner who was duped because I cannot imagine the shame and the hurt that this person would feel. But most of all I feel angry for the children because there are going to be many times when this will be just humiliating for them. When it is adults, ok fine. Let them work it all out for themsleves. But when there are children involved one would hope that there would be a better way for the parents to resolve the issue rather than putting the kids through the wringer like this.
Megan, almost always nothing like this happens on purpose. So where is the terrible tragedy? Life just happens. Some people do discover their true sexuality late in life. And some of us bend under the pressures of society. Nothing can be changed about any of that. What is important is that loving solutions and compromises are found by the people involved.
Please remember that many MOMs endure. The spouses love each, support each other and find ways to make sure that not only the spouses’ but the children’s needs are truly met.
Marianne, I think that it would be nice to think that things always happen this way but I just do not happen to think that they do. I think that most intelligent adults know full and well by the time that they are old enough to get married what their real sexual identity is. If they choose to hide this then that is a completely different issue. And I certainly do not think that if there was ever any question in my head over how I felt about another person that I would make the conscious decision to then bring children into the picture. I think we are all well aware of what causes that. I appreciate your opinion, I just do not happen to agree as I am sure that you do not agree with mine. I am open minded enough to be fine with homosexual relationships between two loving partners, and I can even go for them to have the right to marry and have a family together. But I just think that when you marry as a heterosexual, have children, and then decide to live your life as a homosexual then that poses real problems for the children down the road and I for one hate to see that happen.
I happen to agree with you Megan…. The children are the ones, who at an innocent age, will have to endure a lot of ignorant comments from others… Adult who are in this situation are adult enough to handle their own criticism from others, although I don’t think it’s right for society to treat them this way.
I would hate to think I would have to lead an unhappy life being married as a straight person when I’m actually gay, lesbian, etc… It would be so nice if people accepted one another as whom they are.
I agree with Megan. A mature adult consenting to get married should be able to tell their partner everything there is to be known before signing the register. If the partner feels bad and decides to walk away it is definitely better than dragging the whole boat down especially if the children are on board. We dont choose our sexual orientation but being truthful is a choice.
Society seems to down mixed orientation marriages and although I can see how it’s bad for the children involved, I think to each their own. I think everyone deserves to be happy whether it be with a straight partner or partners that lead a mixed orientation life.
I want to thank all of you for your comments regarding the conflicts of a mixed-orientation marriage. Your statements reflect issues related to how this situation occurs in our society. Although most gay or lesbian individuals are aware of their sexual orientation by the time they marry, they typically struggle with internal and/or external homophobia based on areas mentioned in my article: family of origin, religious ideology, and the “cultural norm” regarding sexual orientation.
There are only about a third of mixed marriages where the partners choose to remain together. Another third attempt to work through the situation, but eventually choose divorce, and the other third divorce immediately. In other words, about 2/3 end in divorce. When working with these couples, my goal is never to guide them in either direction, but to help each person understand the tragedy that the other is enduring, and to remain loving and caring whether the final decision is to remain together or divorce.
From my experience with clients and a family member, one of the major dilemmas for the children (depending on their age) is deception. Being gay or lesbian is not as debilitating as deception. So it is extremely important to meet the needs of the children…maintaining a civil relationship is imperative!
Personally I think that staying together in these types of situations can also do harm to everyone. It is just like straight families who need to get a divorce. Never just stay in the relationship just for the children because often this will do them more harm than good.
I agree Jennifer… children are smart and they pick up on things quickly. Lot of times I have heard children, when they get older, saying, “why don’t you two just get divorced or separate.” It causes a lot of havoc on some children and they deserve the truth, peace and happiness as well.
My parents stayed together when we were kids for all of the wrong reasons and I remember there being days where I willed them to divorce in my head because I just could not take it any longer. I would bet that children in these mixed orientation marriages feel the same way. There is nothing wrong with being who you are sexually but it is not right for kids to have to see their parents go thru such misery.
There are resources such as COLAGE http://www.colage.org/which offers support and resources for children with LGBTQ parents, and the Straight Spouse Network (SSN) http://www.straightspouse.org/ and the article “Thoughts on a Father’s Coming Out to His Children” – by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D. (who is founder of the Straight Spouse Network) – posted here: http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/2961/Document/AMITY1.HTM
Also, there is a whole spectrum of orientation, and some people are not one or the other but may be bisexual — attracted to both genders. They may be committed to one person depending on who they fall in love with, or they may leave one marriage for another relationship, sometimes after having children in the previous – just as straight people do.
But what aboutt hose who choose to play out all of this out on the national stage like the former governor of NJ. Think about how tough this kind of situation already is and to then to have it all unfold in public has to be even worse.
I think being honest is most important in a marriage. Being honest with oneself is as important as being honest with a spouse. For those who are not bisexual it is not right to enter a heterosexual committed relationship under any circumstances. If you cant be fair to your own self you cant be fair to your partner.
I appreciate the candid explanation and discussion about mixed-orientation marriages. I, for one, am the straight spouse in such a marriage. My spouse of nearly 12 years has not yet come to terms with his orientation identity (which we “discovered” a few years into our marriage). The stress to keep it contained is a self-imposed pressure cooker for him, especially since he works in a very sensitive career area. The real tragedy is truly in the fear that drives deception and denial, especially when it resides so deeply within an individual struggling to address his or her own orientation issues in a healthy and meaningful way. Yes, of course – - I would have appreciated having full and fair disclosure of my spouse’s orientation struggles prior to our marriage, yet I can understand why he chose to suppress it and cover it. Life does have a way of throwing a few curve balls now and then, yet the growing numbers of mixed-orientation marriages seems to suggest that this family dynamic has greater widespread roots. Clearly, the need is great for further understanding and supportive resources for members of mixed-orientation marriages and their families.
Felix, you wrote, “For those who are not bisexual it is not right to enter a heterosexual committed relationship under any circumstances. If you cant be fair to your own self you cant be fair to your partner.”
Sexual orientation is about attraction, not behavior.
A person can be straight, gay, or bisexual and be in a monogamous relationship – or not – with someone of the same or other gender. The difference is about commitment.
I am married with 2 children, I take care of my husbands ill mother and we built a home for all of us including father in law up stairs. My husband was sexually abused as a child and uses that excuse for the cheating on me with a man. I feel for him, And want to remain good friends, and after 10 years of trying to get him to talk to me, and go get help he refuses. I have made a decision. I refuse to bring this pain to my children. He isn’t affectionate with me, so the children won’t even notice that we aren’t cuddling. This house is big enough for all, and I want to live with him, as friends, the only thing that will change is the booty calls in the middle in night with me. I choose not to be with a non monogamous person. I love him but we are not in love with each other. Our kids are the most important thing here. And We run a business together, we need to continue on and when time goes on and the children are older and can understand more, they will learn why we stayed together, but until then, our personal sexual life is not comming home. Until it is neccesary.
I have a responsibility to take care of his mom, he can’t do it alone, the market is horrible to sell. And We are self employeed together as a team.
It is a crappy situation, but I feel good keeping the family together, because even if not in passionate love, he and I will always be a family, because of our beautiful children.
The problem is , he doesn’t want to really be with a man.
He says he just needs that release when he thinks about it. I just can’t give him that release, This discovery and cheating has made me lose my
feeling of sexyiness, and I can’t trust him in that department. I love him as a friend, And I care , and don;t want to divorce him and take it all. I want us both to be happy, and have our children there.
I work at night too, He can stay with the kids. I have them during the day. and help run the business. Everything can stay the same.
But if I fall in love and want to move on slowly things may change. but now is not the time.
He is so ashamed, He doesn’t want to do things with men, but won’t get help. I can’t help him.
I guess that’s all
Laurie, your personal story contains conditions that persons living in the mixed-orientation predicament will certainly understand. Despite the fact that your husband isn’t monogamous and avoids seeking treatment regarding sexual identity, reasons for remaining together at this time feel profound: you have 2 children that are cherished, you have a family home and joint community, and you are connected with your husband as a parent, friend and financial partner.
At the same time, repercussions can be melanchology and morose. So take care of yourself, and find peaceful and enriching ways to live your life. I hope your husband will seek treatment at some point in order to address possible denial, understanding, and acceptance of his sexual orientation. Knowing our essential self is significant.
I was deceived into a relationship and then a 6 years marriage with someone who is bi. Learning from someone else and not my ex-husband about this was a real shocker. I was then able to put the pieces together of certain events (it was not intended but I met his male lover). Some very fundamental principles were disregarded by my ex. The first and most important, I believe, is to paticipate to your potential mates the truth…let this person know so that he/she can make an informed decision about whether or not to get into a relationship. I was not participated of this information. I have had difficulty with this deception. I can understand how he might felt to go ahead and put up such a front for me, our families, friends and society in general. However, my feelings, my opinion and my freedom of choice was not respected. I know of another acquaintance who experienced a similar situation. He at least learned the truth from his mate. His reactions were similar to mine. In spite of immediately terminating the relationship and seeking a divorce, I have many things to be grateful to my ex. I have a college education thanks to his support.
My current husband’s ex is a self-confirmed lesbian. It is a sad story. He was so lonely and ignored in this sexless, six year marriage that when he met me we began to see each other while he was still married. He fell in love with me and went through a horrible divorce to be with me. His ex blamed the affair on the marriage ending and played the victim to everyone around her, but how ironic that less than one year after the divorce was final she came out of the closet! Talk about feeling duped. My husband has had to pay out large sums of alimony to this woman who perpetrated a fraud! She has two gay siblings and a gay uncle. I only wish she had told him BEFORE they had two children together (in vitro–no sex you see). She had these kids for her parents because her siblings have no children. I feel sorry for the children. They are very young, but hopefully will not be too affected by her lies and now her new lifestyle. My concern is for my husband. He is so angry about feeling duped. He wants to know why she did not tell him she was a lesbian during the marriage. He has confronted her in writing about all of this, but she will not respond. She refuses to talk to him about anything other than the children and even those conversations are about 10 seconds or less.
Thanks.
Hey all,
Thoughtful discussion, and timely, I suppose. I’m the young adult son of a gay man and a straight woman. My mom was recently, horribly, clued into my father’s identity, and I’m still having trouble dealing with a lot of the emotional rollercoaster of it all… it’s a very complicated issue, made more complicated by the fact that I’m openly gay myself, and have been out for the last three years to my parents. I’m having trouble finding any support groups for LGBT kids (even in their 20’s like me) of mixed-orientation couples. Does anyone know of any? I’m familiar with SSN (as my mom has connected with them), but I feel lost to find someone to connect with… any ideas are appreciated. Thank you.