Mindfulness and Single Parenting
January 7th, 2009 |
By Sherry Gaba, LCSW
Click here to contact Sherry and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
You may be a single parent by choice, divorced, widowed, never married or thinking about what parenting would be like without a partner. Many of the single parents who enter my office are often overwhelmed, stressed out, guilt-ridden, and full of angst. Mindfulness single parenting allows you to parent in the moment in a non-judgmental way on purpose with grace, wisdom, and compassion for yourself and your children. Guilt melts away into un-conditional acceptance that your are doing the best you can. Becoming reactive when your child misbehaves is replaced with seeing clearly what is really going on underneath the surface of your child’s acting out. You become more attuned with what your child is truly feeling. By parenting consciously and looking at your child’s point of view, you let go of your own agenda. You begin to see that sometimes your children’s behavior could be a manifestation of feeling different. Instead of labeling yourself as “less than” because you are a single parent, you surrender to the loss without trying to fix or enable your child’s discomfort so that you can run away from the pain. You face the truth with your child head on with self love and empathy. You cultivate an acceptance of what you and your child are experiencing right now in the present moment.
Mindfulness gives you a break from faulty beliefs, thoughts, and anxieties giving rise instead to a profound self awareness of the truth. For example, you realize everything doesn’t have to be “perfect”. The house doesn’t have to be in perfect order. You begin to see that you may not always be single if finding a partner again is ultimately what you want. You stop being a victim of your circumstances and begin to see things for the way they really are.
Mindfulness always allows you the opportunity to start over again. This is the concept of “beginners mind” and can be useful when you feel you have betrayed your children in some way. You can apologize and let them know you acknowledge their point of view. You get to experience a Buddha moment by apologizing to them purposefully teaching them lessons along the way that we are only humans doing the best we can.
Another concept known in mindfulness is impermanence and nothing stays the same. We anesthetize the pain of single parenting sometimes with serial dating, addictions, or other compulsive behavior in a desperate attempt to fill the void. Instead, we can let go of our fears whether it is about financial insecurity or feeling we will be alone forever and realize our situation can change at any time. Even when you are uncertain about what the future holds and are living in the unknown, there are endless possibilities awaiting you, especially when you least expect it.
Another gift from mindfulness is having gratitude for what we already have. There is no need any more to avoid the pain with “stuff” or overcompensating our children with more material things than they need. Instead we accept our family for what it is and for what we already have with profound appreciation knowing we have exactly what we need in this very moment.
Finally, mindfulness reminds us to not only show compassion for our children but to all human beings. We have the opportunity to teach our kids deep respect for the people they know, but even those they don’t know in a non-judgmental way encouraging them to be more tolerant of themselves and others.
Mindfulness Tips
1. Be optimistic and non judgmental of your situation; it creates good karma for future happiness.
2. React to your children mindfully, rather than unconsciously. This brings more wisdom and insight to your parenting skills.
3. Let go of your own agenda and accept your children for who they are.
4. Let go of the end result but instead enjoy the process of single parenting.
5. Teach your children to be tolerant of others and tolerant of their single parent family.
©Copyright 2009 by Sherry Gaba, LCSW. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Sherry and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
8 comments so far
You are right about being a single parent and the guilt that I feel over this. I hate that my child is missing out on having his father around but I made that choice and now I have to do the best that I can with that. I do everything that I can to provide a safe and stable home for my son and that is what it is all about for me.
While there is no longer such a social stigma for being a part of a single parent family, there are certainly ramifications for the children as well as the parent. This can often be a financial nightmare, almost too much for any one person to take on yet there are people out there doing it every day. I feel like there is very little emotional support for single parents as well, and that is why you will often hear stories of them being so stressed out. I would be too if I were having to raise a family on my own. I applaud the efforts of these single parents, the ones who are doing the right things and all that they have to do to make sure that their kids are healthy and well adjusted in this often maladjusted world.
I am a single parent with full custody of my three children because my wife left me for another man and decided she liked that life better than ours. I am so bitter and I know that there are days when I completely take this out on my children. Please hear me out- I do not hit them or take it out on them physically, but I know that I can come across as very rough and tough verbally and when I take a step back and take a good look at the situation I know that this is just as bad. But there are times when I just do not know where to turn. I feel overworked, overwhelmed, and underappreciated. Never mind the fact that I know that I feel like less of a man because my wife chose another man over me. I can only imagine how the kids feel, knowing their mom left them for a stranger- that she fell for him and fell out of love with them. I have tried talking with the preacher at church and he tells me turn it all over to God, and while that is a lovely idea, I am so sorry to say that does not always effectively help me to make it through every day. I just need to know what to do.
My mother raised 5 kids on her own when my dad died and I know she did the best she could under the circumstances of not having much money or help. I did not realize how hard it was for her until i grew up and had a child of my own.
Being a single parent is tough! It is one job that I can honestly and openly say that I hope I never have.
I do not think that there is anyone out there who necessarily aspires to become a single parent but for so many families it happens when it is least expected. i do think that we need to be prepared for this situation and for those of us who are already there, do as much research and reading as we can to make sure that our children continue to get the love and care that they need while going through something as traumatic as this.
As the product of a single parent home I have to say that we struggled but got through it all with a lot of love and support not only for one another but also from a lot of fantastic friends and relatives. It is as if the whole family came together to help us and it made such a difference. perhaps we should all be so mindful of helping others going through these same things and pitch in to help whenever we know that we have the chance to do so.
I’m now 19 and experiencing being a dad. I must say although it feels good it’s still hard. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but to be honest, the hard part is having to balance time. My daughter is great and makes managing her never dreadful. -Teen dad