Marriage and Relationships: Consideration and Permission
December 17th, 2008 |
By Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT
Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
Don’t you hate to approach your spouse/partner with questions that can elicit the answer “NO!”? For example: “Honey, is it OK if I …(fill in the blank)?” Or, “Can I …(fill in the blank)?” Some of you guys out there, more than once, have implored your partner/spouse: “Can I go bowling tonight?” And then there’s the all-time favorite guy question—“Sweetie, I can go to the (name of favorite sports bar) and watch the football game tonight, right?”
This isn’t reserved for men only. A wife/partner may ask: “Dear, is it OK if I go shopping?” Or, “Can I go with the girls to Vegas this weekend?” “It’s OK if I go to the movies tonight and leave the kids with you, right?” Permission-seeking opportunities among couples are endless. But are they necessary, and is it healthy to seek permission?
Well, consider this: A marriage/partnership is our only opportunity for a non-hierarchical, balanced relationship. For now, think of a non-hierarchical relationship this way: it is a collaboration between equals.
Equals who collaborate are reasonably well differentiated. Well differentiated couples approach each other as adults, and respect each others separate desires, requests, thoughts, feelings and needs. As collaborators, decisions and plans are made together. Generally speaking, collaborative adults live by consideration. They tend to avoid permission-seeking, and instead offer and seek consideration.
Permission Seeking
The questions in the first two paragraphs (above) are permission-seeking questions. Many women have expressed that permission-seeking questions trigger maternal feelings toward their husbands. Men, that has serious implications: It is very difficult for the woman in our lives to feel simultaneously spousal and mother toward us without a cost to the relationship.
One woman, to her husband, said it best: “If you want me to treat you like a man, and you want me to respond like a woman & wife, stop asking me for permission like a child. I’m not your mother!”
It’s very much the same for women who seek permission from their spouses/partners. In both cases, permission seeking sets up and reinforces a relationship hierarchy. The short version is described as follows: The marital relationship is more PARENT to CHILD, (hierarchal) than it is ADULT to ADULT (collaborative) While some relationships may seem to thrive within this type of hierarchy, many, if not most, do not. Sooner or later, the one who tends to be the permission-seeker, i.e. CHILD, will experience resentment, and distance. The PARENTAL spouse often feels frustration, irritation and distance. Couples who experience this hierarchy are frequently in conflict about a lot of “little things,” and don’t know why.
Consideration
Rather than seeking permission, employ consideration. Now those questions above become statements: (PERMISSION-SEEKING)“Honey, is it OK if I …(fill in the blank)?” morphs in to: (CONSIDERATION) “Honey, I want/would like/have begun planning (fill in the blank) and, want to know how that works for you. Any thoughts or feelings about that?”
Example #2, (PERMIMSSION-SEEKING) “It’s OK if I go to the movies tonight and leave the kids with you, right?” (CONSIDERATION) “ I really want to go to the movies with (friend’s name) and I know it’s last minute, and I also realize that means you would have to watch the kids. I really need a break. How would you feel about that?
The previous are examples of consideration; they are ADULT to ADULT (collaborative) vs PARENT to CHILD (hierarchal) interactions. They consider how, and/or what, your partner feels and thinks about what it is you want, as well as day-to-day logistics. Equally important it gives you a voice as well, i.e., you are free to say what you want without fear. Couples who tend to approach each other ADULT to ADULT (collaboratively) generally find they are able to hear objections or conflicts generated by their stated desire. Furthermore, they area able to negotiate effectively.
The converse is more likely in the hierarchical or PARENT to CHILD interaction—there’s no room to negotiate. It’s a binary “yes’ or “no,” followed by a fight, or go-along-to-get-along silence, which we know from the research produces warmth equal to, or less than, that of the granite counter-top in your kitchen.
Give consideration a try the next time you catch yourself about to seek permission, and see for yourself. It may seem like a small issue, but it can have big rewards. Here’s a cool twist: While it’s true that differentiated couples tend to operate from a position of consideration, a couple can become more differentiated by taking the risk to use consideration in place of permission seeking. Wishing you a satisfying relationship.
©Copyright 2008 by Jim Hutt, Ph.D., MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jim and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile
12 comments so far
This article describes me to a T.. I am always asking permission to do something which I know will leave my husband at home. I don’t ask for much, I would love to go shopping or hanging out with friends, but he is the type who wants to come along, or if it’s just one of my friends wanting me to do something with her, he has to respond..”So I guess I’m just going to stay here at home, while your out having fun.” Sometimes I would love to be able to just up and go and do something… but I don’t because I know it would hurt his feelings that he’s not invited, or I know what the answer will be. I do feel like a child in these situations.
I too fall in the permission category here. My friends will just say, “just tell him you are going to do this”. I can’t do that, because I feel like that is somewhat disrespectful and not caring. Maybe I should try the consideration.
As a single girl it is very disheartening to hear that there are married couples who still communicate and act as if they have to get permission from one another to do things. I say let us all be adults here and if something is reasonable then I should not have to ask. I should be able to discuss things in a rational manner but I never want to be in a marriage where it feels as if I have to ask for permission to do something!
It is one thing to be considerate of a partner, but another thing entirley to feel like I have to ask for permission to do something. That is certainly not the type of relationship I choose to be in.
I agree… It is sad to be in a relationship like this, but some of us do fall into the permission category. It is time for us to stand up and be adults and if it is not hurting anyone, then there should be no problem in taking time for ourselves.
I do know so many people who fall in the permission part, but I admire the ones who are in a relationship where there significant others understand that we also need our own time. I believe it is not healthy to be so totally afraid of doing what one likes just because the other doesn’t like it.
I was in a relationship for many many years where I felt like I had to ask permission for everything that I did. I lived on the verge of always causing an upset in the house just because I may be a few minutes late coming home from work or for making plans without first consulting my now ex wife. She drove me to the edge of madness. It was a control issue for her and a jealousy issue as well and finally I could take it no more. She was getting this way with the kids too when it looked as if they were developing any new interests outside of the home so that is when I finally had enough and had to get out of it.
I saw my mother live in fear in a relationship with a man of whom she had to ask permission to do anything. I tried for years to get her to leave him but she never could work up the strength and courage to do it. She is now dead, from his hands, and I never wat to see that happen to another woman again. There is simply no reason why a relationship has to be like this. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship where you practically have to ask permission to breathe I encourage you to get out now.
I am so sad to hear that Irene. My sister in law was in the same kind of relationship, but she finally got out of it, thank God. It is really hard for someone to get out of a relationship if they really love that person, but sometimes I believe they don’t understand it would be for the better to get out. I think some of these men put in their heads that they won’t find anyone else and so the women stay. It really is sad.
All relationships are complicated but I do believe marriage complicates friendship a great deal. I married my best friend and never had to ask his permission or didnt expect him to fit into a framework. However 2 years into marriage, I feel we have lost the friend we were to each other because expectations have come in. He is constantly accusing me of never asking him for permission and I am constanly accusing him of always expecting me to consult him. This article gave me some hope though.
Am I the only one who is still considerate enough of my spouse to ask him if it is OK for me to do something? I never really see this as asking for his permission, just that I care enough about him to let him know what is going on.
Kenya I totally agree with you. Sometimes it is not necessarily asking for permission but just being considerate of another’s schedules and feelings just to run things by him first. He may have plans for you already or might just want to spend a little time together. Is that so wrong? Sometimes I think that there are some women who mistakenly feel that if they ask permission for something then they are taking a step back on the feminist movement scale and that is simply not true! It is just a way of being considerate of your significant other and making plans together rather than effectively living two separate lives.