Marriage/Couples Counseling
October 5th, 2010
By Kelly Gorsky, LMHC, CCP
Click here to contact Kelly and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Many couples come into marriage counseling or couples counseling with numerous uncertainties, however they all have one common theme: an expectation. An expectation, an unrealistic expectation, a hope that their partner will change and thus the relationship will be satisfying. The partners are consumed with the desire for change, although each of the counterparts, seem to be unaware that in order for the relationship to become modified, the change begins with self.
I often inform couples on their first visit that therapy is about identifying unhealthy patterns within oneself and attempting to bring those out into the surface. While recognizing and exploring individual’s unhealthy patterns, it is up to the individual to decide whether or not different coping tools and alternative approaches would work best. Despite the couples’ strong desire to have the relationship itself change, or deep down inside urging for their spouse to change, that would be an unrealistic expectation. People can only hope and perhaps expect different outcomes only when they make a choice to change their own behavior. Relationships therefore shape and form according to the decisions one makes and the actions one takes.
In the therapeutic process it is of essence to identify your own needs and wants and begin recognizing whether or not they are being met. It is up to the individual to realize that their needs and wants could only be met through their own actions and behaviors. Each partner takes responsibility for the right doings and the wrong doings. The partners then learn about each other as the process enables them to grow closer on communicative, emotional, physical and sexual levels. Vulnerability and openness to hearing and listening to one another is of significance. Compromising while utilizing patience with one another to reach the goals you want the relationship to attain.
Marital satisfaction is what you are willing to put in and what you are not willing to tolerate. Deciphering the two is absolutely crucial. Therefore, it is all up to oneself to make the appropriate modifications and changes as to acquire your happiness in a relationship. Waiting for your spouse to change implies that you are not willing and dedicated to the improvement process and therefore you are hindering your own growth. By allowing oneself to focus on your partner’s motivation or lack of will only steer you away from what you can possibly gain on the journey to self discovery.
Once you allow yourself to become completely involved, you will gain self awareness that will bring you to where you want to go. Through exploration and in depth discussion you then make appropriate changes to self improve. Therefore you gain a better understanding of the relationship you and your partner have built. With insight and the newly learned coping tools you have the power to make any modifications you see fit to enhance your relationship dynamics. However, with an unrealistic expectation that your significant other is ready and willing to do the same, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Concentrating on yourself, your thoughts, your behaviors, your intentions and your goals will help you to attain the most desirable results.
Hence, marriage counseling/couples counseling is about learning about yourself and your roadblocks. Acquiring understanding, as well as insight of yourself, of your relationship and where you would prefer it to be. The key is realizing that relationship improvement occurs only with self improvement.
©Copyright 2010 by Kelly Gorsky, LMHC, CCP, therapist in Staten Island, NY. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
Very insightful article that helped me go into couples therapy with the frame of mind of working to change myself. Instead of waiting, stagnate, for my wife to change. It’s such an easy trap to fall in. Glad I came across it!!
I am involved in a marriage where I feel like I am the only partner who is willing to give. My husband always makes me feel like I am in the wrong and quire frankly I am tired of always being blamed and never getting any of the rewards that is supposed to come along with marriage. Somewhere along the way I have lost a friend and that started when I got married. How did that happen? And the real question is how do I amke him understand that I miss that and want to try some marital counseling to try and get some of that back before we both decide to cut our losses and end the marriage?
if each of the partners is expecting the other to change then nothing will note ahead and no recovery in the relationship is possible.
hence it is important to put the onus onto oneself and do the needful to achieve that goal. we need to know that doing something ourselves is under our control but making or expecting someone else do something is not!
I like this article particularly because it indicates how we can never “change” our partners, but rather we can indicate when our needs are not being met. Part of this is our own process of self-care and attending to these needs, and part of it will be seeing if our partner is willing to adjust to help meet those needs. If not, then the decision is ours as to whether or not to continue with the relationship.
This article well exemplifies why couples counseling, along with individual counseling for both parties, can be an enormously effective route.
YOU cannot clap with just one hand.In the same way,no conflict can occur due to just one partner in a marriage.Both will definitely have played a role.But rather than pointing and proving as to how much wrong each partner is responsible for,both should work towards solving the problem and trying not to encounter a similar problem again.
Couples counseling saved my marriage and I can never say enough great things about it. I have to admit that I was not the one who wanted to try it, my wife did and the to the first session she pretty much had to drag me kicking and screaming. But once we got there and I met our therapist it was like a light came on and I was finally able to see the ways that I was not meeting her needs and how she was not meeting mine. Our counselor gave us the ability to sit down like two rational beings and learn to really communicate with one another which is something that I confess I was not good at until then. And it did not happen overnight, it took practice but the longer we stuck with it the better we both got at it and it has helped us tremendously.
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