Alone Doesn’t Have to Mean Lonely: Four Valentine’s Tips for Singles
February 12th, 2013
Contributed by Justin Nutt, BSW, LMSW
With Valentine’s Day just a couple of days away, many are frantically trying to figure out how they can express their love for their significant other, while others are trying to find a way to avoid the hearts- and love-filled holiday altogether. Valentine’s Day on every level is about love, and so often when we are single on such a holiday, we begin to feel depressed, as though there must be something wrong with us or we would have someone to share the day with.
While feeling depressed and lonely is an understandable way to react, there are ways to combat those feelings and embrace the single life, even on a romantic night such as Valentine’s Day.
- Suggestion No. 1: Don’t try to avoid the holiday. As someone who has been single more Valentine’s Days than not, I can tell you the desire to not see ads for flowers, not see giant, red plastic hearts hung from store ceilings, or not see bowls of cheap, chalk-like candy hearts that say “Be Mine” everywhere won’t keep you from seeing them. Just as every year I get tired of Christmas music two days after Thanksgiving (if not sooner), I have learned to embrace it. Just because I don’t want to hear it doesn’t mean that every time I walk in a store, turn on the TV, or even listen to the radio I am not going to hear at least part of a song. Instead of loathing those hearts (or Christmas songs), embrace them. When I hear Christmas songs, what I do is think of the spirit of the song. This does not mean I love every song, but I listen with the heart of a child or from the point of view of the person who composed the song and what led to writing it. The same can be true of Valentine’s Day. I loved taking show boxes to school as a child, making places for all the cards, then picking the perfect card for each person in my class. Don’t view the symbols of Valentine’s Day as reminders you are alone, but as reminders of childhood.
- Suggestion No. 2: Valentine’s Day may have a romantic origin based on the love between two people, but make a date with you. Get a bottle of wine and take a bubble bath, or make yourself dinner and watch your favorite movie. Some of the best dates can be those in which your date is you. Take yourself out for a night on the town and do all the things you enjoy. Remember, in or out of a relationship, we must love ourselves and be comfortable being alone. If a relationship ends, it is ourselves that we are left with, and even when we are with someone, there are times that it is just us. For that reason, we have to learn to enjoy our own company. After all, we like all the same things and enjoy all the same places; what is there to not like?
- Suggestion No. 3: So often, we look at the holidays—not just Valentine’s Day—as days not only to celebrate, but of expectations. I am a romantic, and have been since I was 7 years old and wrote my first love poem (yes, it rhymed). That said, I am not the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day for one simple reason: It is a day where the whole world wants to know “what did you get for/from your partner?” If it isn’t something big, or what others perceive as romantic, you will get that look and head shake, judging you. I don’t think all the romance of a year should be placed on one day. I have always preferred to be surprised with a gift for no reason at all. I also much prefer giving someone flowers or making dinner for no reason other than I wanted to, or knowing my partner had a hard day. Being single on holidays may be hard and can be lonely if you let it be, but there are advantages. For instance: “I don’t have to buy diamond earrings; I can get myself something instead.” I am in no way saying relationships are bad or that romance is. I am simply saying embrace the single life, if that is the life you lead. If you are single, don’t think about what you are missing; think instead of what you are not obligated to do.
- Suggestion No. 4: While Valentine’s Day is often seen as related to romantic love, make it about not just self-love, but platonic love. This is easy to do. Man or woman, gay or straight, old or young, we all have single friends, and chances are when Valentine’s Day rolls around a number of them feel the same desire to avoid the holiday like the plague. This being the case, why not spend that day or evening together? While yes, misery loves company, that is not what this is about. The idea is not to sit around and dwell on the loneliness or lament a lack of a relationship, but to embrace being single. Instead of giving or getting flowers or candy, give each other some “white elephant”-type gift, some goofy thing that no one needs but makes you think of each other. Go out and paint the town, or (if you are like me) hang with a buddy at your favorite dive bar. Make the day not about the lack of a love you can’t imagine being without, but the presence of a friend whose friendship you can’t imagine being without.
Single or coupled up, the fact is no one day should control your happiness or your romance. You will be the same you, have the same value, the same appreciation for things on February 15 as you did on February 13, so why should February 14 be different? Give yourself the break you deserve and judge yourself not on the one day of the year the calendar says “today is for lovers”—instead, remember that every day you need to love yourself.
Read More
A Picture of Lasting Love
Singles' Guide to a Happy Valentine's Day
A Therapist’s Missed Opportunity: Sex, Intimacy, and Sensuality for One
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Comments
You talk about all of these great ways to not feel so alone on Valentine’s Day, but it sure is hard to celebrate being single when every other person around you is celebrating being in love :(
I have tried both ways- totally avoiding the whole Valentine’s day trap and totally giving in to it. You know what? I have finally come to terms with being ok with it being just me so I have learned to embrace Val Day and take that day to give back to me. I buy myself something that I have wanted, I make a great dinner and dessert and just enjoy spending some much needed quality time alone. It doesn’t have to be about sadness, you can actually take that little bit of time and appreciate YOU.
Who cares about it if you aren’t dating someone?
It’s such a non big deal
Why make it into something that you think that it has to be?
It’s just another day of the year to me
I have a significant other and have for 23 years now. But, I’m not that big a fan of Valentine’s Day. My husband thinks it is just a big sham so he won’t celebrate it. He thinks the greeting card companies are the ones responsible for it and he won’t buy into it. So, yeah, I have a significant other. But isn’t a significant other who won’t acknowledge you on Valentine’s Day just as bad as not having a Valentine at all? Or, maybe it’s worse…
Octavia, I feel your pain! My husband is basically exactly the same. We just moved out of the country and my daughter was asking if they celebrate Mother’s Day here. His response? “I sure hope not.” Well, if that doesn’t make you feel loved and appreciated, I don’t know what will.
My friends and I did number 4 a couple years back. We had a big Valentine’s Day ball and got all dressed up. A few of us even went out together and got a limo for the night. We had the best time ever. And, none of us was worrying about making anyone else happy or wondering if what we gave somebody was good enough. Best idea ever!
I can really appreciate suggestion number 2. Being comfortable with yourself is something you have to do before you can be in a relationship with someone else.
I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY! There, I said it! Moving on…
Just having a piece like this is exactly why those of us who are single are made to feel like there is something wrong with us. Most of us could have someone in our lives if that’ what we wanted, but I think that there are a lot of us out here who are blissfully and happily single for a reason. Please don’t place and force your own expectations of what it means to be happy on those of us who have found a different way to be happy.
The last thing I’m trying to imply is it’s not okay to be single. What I am very much saying it is totally okay to be single on Valentine’s Day or any other day of the year. However, for many who are single, Valentines Day it is a very difficult holiday due to the fact that it is connected with romance. This article isn’t saying those who are single are somehow less valuable than
others, but is intended to help those who may feel lonely not feel that way, by giving suggestions of things they can do to avoid that lonely feeling.
Whenever I’m single on a valentines day I just go out and spoil myself,wheether it’s the spa just going out shopping till I drop I make sure I’m not missing out on the fun. But the one time I did try to spend the day with a few single friends it went horribly wrong with one of them just wallowing about how she didn’t want to be single on valentines day. That’s just so immature. Made up my mind to continue the SINGLE valentines day ritual ever since that day.
Gerri I am not at all implying that there is anything wrong with being single on this or any other day of the year. In fact I am saying the opposite, that it is very much ok to be single. The simple fact though is that for many, who are single, Valentine’s Day is a hard day of the year due to its connection with romance and a loving relationship. When I wrote these I thought of how I felt many of the years which I was single and the things that I did to help me get through a day which was hard for me. So these tips and suggestions aren’t meant so much for those who have chosen to be single and are happy with it, but those who have a difficult time with today.
Never spent a valentines day alone since my teen years until today..and surprisingly I feel alright.I am going to go about my work and hopefully there will be no negative feelings.Happy valentines day all, if you’re single celebrate yourself! :D
Just hate all the crazy stuff on this day. I try to cut myself off from it all. Not because I’m hurt or because I had a bad experience but because it doesn’t really mean anything to me. You don’t need a DAY to say you love someone. Or to blow half your month’s salary for the PERFECT gift.
at this point I am just glad it’s over for another year
I dread being alone on Valentines Day.SO much so that there have been many years when I have gone ahead and asked someone out just so I am not single on Valentines Day.Call me selfish or whatever but its too much to remain single in this season.
Pretty sad that we allow this one day to make us feel so bad about something that the other 364 days of the year really doesn’t bother us all that much. . . we have been sucked in to the dark side people. . . if you are happy with where you are in your life, then you are happy with it no matter what the date on the calendar says, right? All of these tips for being single, well, they are good ones to follow no matter the season. It’s always important to take care of yourself and to find things about you that you love. It’s always a good time to remember the friends that you have and take special care to nourish those friendships. And it’s always important to face the reality of any given situation and know that you are indeed strong enough to get through it. This isn’t just for one day of the year, this is about being a stronger and more self confident person all year round.
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