Light at the End
January 11th, 2012
By Ivan Chan, MA, MFT intern Grief, Loss & Bereavement Topic Expert Contributor
The dawning of the New Year brings with it more than just a change in numbers. It brings a promise of longer and warmer days in contrast to the early arrival of night in wintertime.
This is why our winter holidays celebrate light and swirl on the calendar around the winter solstice near the end of December. Every candle and every light that twinkles in windows and along streets are meant to give us hope that life will continue, and that it might even be good again.
As difficult as it is for people experiencing grief to feel comforted by the holidays, when everyone is gathering around friends and family they have not lost, it may be soothing to meditate on the tiny lights that speckle our homes and towns during the winter and what they mean. They may not be cheery, or perhaps their beauty is somber when seen through the eyes of grief, but the meditation is on the spark of hope for feeling better.
Contemplating a time when we do not ache so keenly or feel so impossibly broken takes patience and practice. It requires focusing not on the pain which feels inescapable, but on everything but the pain. It is like dreaming of a warm, sandy beach in summer (that will eventually be your destination) while in the middle of a cold, wet winter.
Instead of waking up, forgetting that someone is no longer with you, and feeling like hiding under the covers, what would your morning wake-up look like? What would you think, how would you feel, and what would you do differently?
Rather than dwell on all the aspects you miss about a person who has died, what would it be like to remember all the gifts that same person brought into your life? Again, what would you think, how would you feel, and what would you do differently that showed you were remembering better days?
Consider how your life will be when the rawness of your pain has quieted. Maybe the pain still surprises you from time to time, or is tripped by a movie, a random phrase, a fragment of song, or a scent. However, it does not daze you anymore, or makes you feel like someone punched you in the stomach. Meditate on the time when your grief will be a gentler companion, rather than an unwelcome house guest. Once again, how would you feel differently? What thoughts would you think? What actions would you take?
Another aspect of this meditation also imagines how other people would treat you, so that you knew your grief was no longer as overwhelming as it was before. What words would your family use to describe you? What comments would your friends make about you?
Take some time every day in this New Year to meditate on the above feelings, thoughts, and actions. You could write them down if that helps, and keep it in a journal or somewhere private. Note to yourself if there are any feelings, thoughts, and actions that come up in this meditation that are happening in the present, even just a little.
Remember, the smallest candle flame still dispels darkness. Your hope, and ability to imagine a time when your grief will hurt less, is as bright as any Christmas light or Hanukkah candle. It shines and invites others to shine with you, even in what feels like the longest night of your lives. Tomorrow, and the day after—minute by minute, the days get longer and the nights get shorter. Summer is as sure as winter.
Related Articles:
Grief for All Seasons
Psychotherapy and the “Middle Way”
Loss and Gratitude During the Holidays
©Copyright 2012 by Ivan Chan, MA, MFT-I, therapist in Santa Cruz, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
There is always something better yet to come, yes? That proverbial thought that there IS light at the end of the tunnel has gotten me through many dark and depressing times. But it is not always so easy to see things in such a positive light. It is hard to find that light within all of that sadness sometimes, and it is hard to do it alone.
Jillian,
Yes. Absolutely true. It is during those times that it helps to be with others who can see the light you struggle to see. It’s comforting to have guides along the way, or even the voice outside of the dark forest that calls back to you.
It IS funny how one small little thing can start taking you back down memory lane in an instant. And sometimes it is totally off the wall and unrelated to anything that you and your lost soul may have done together but something reminds you and the hurt is there all over again.
But I have come to try to embrace those opportunities to remember and to love and instead of looking at them as unwanted I look at them as another beautiful way to remember what I was so lucky to have once had.
“ability to imagine a time when your grief will hurt less”
This,for me,has to be the toughest part.When I’m happy its easy to forget sadness.When I’m feeling neutral I dread sadness and when i’m sad I can’t seem to get over the occupying thought and think of good things,its like a mental block.What do I do?
@ZANE Thank you for sharing your thoughts, much appreciated!
@Lanny There are a variety of ways to ride these waves of emotion, from happy to neutral to sad. I would suggest looking at how you do things to take your mind off of your grief, and maybe give you a bit of happiness and time in the restorative phase of grief (as compared to the loss phase of grief; in restoration, we can feel some joy, contentment, normality and in loss, we feel sadness, yearning, etc.). This will help you find activities and thoughts native to you, but in your focus on these sorts of activities, you will begin to train your focus away from focusing or dwelling on the loss (which seems to be happening, given that even in neutral, you’re tending to head in the direction of sadness or dread heading in that direction).
As for feeling sad and not feeling like you can’t get over the occupying thoughts, I would say, let yourself be. A lesson from mindfulness-based approaches suggest thinking of your mind like an open sky, and the emotions and moods we feel as weather passing through it. When you feel sad, think of it as a storm going through you–you know the storm won’t last forever, even though it feels like it could. Just let yourself be, let it rain, and the sunshine will inevitably appear again. Be with patient friends, and seek support if it helps you to bear these storms.
Take care,
Ivan
Great article Ivan. It’s been a while since I’ve been in the eye of the storm of grief like that, but it explains it perfectly. I have a friend who is going through this now and I forwarded it to her… I think a reminder that this is a normal human process and highlighting the experiences of grief will help her a lot. Thanks Ivan!
Hi Dan,
Thanks for your comment, and I’m glad the article was helpful enough to share with a friend!
Take care,
Ivan
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