Letting Go of Resentment and Anger As a CaregiverAugust 22, 2013 • Contributed by LuAnn Pierce, LCSW
The work of caregivers is difficult, at best. This is particularly true for those who provide care before they start the workday and after they come home in the evening. I am often amazed by the stories I hear from caregivers.
I recently learned something from a group member that I want to pass along to other caregivers. It is so simple that it may seem unlikely to make a difference. But don’t let the simplicity of it fool you—the people in our group totally got it when she talked about it. Had I tried to teach it to them in the language of a therapist, I doubt the result would have been a collective “wow.”
Managing Resentment and Anger as a Caregiver
The question of how to manage resentment is frequently a theme in our support group. Caregivers grapple with guilt about experiencing resentment—both regarding the unfairness of being thrust into the role of caring for their partner or spouse, and about spending more time as a caregiver and less as a partner/spouse.
Most are clear that the resentment and anger they feel is directed toward the ailment or disability, but we all know how easy it is for our anger and resentment to spill over into other areas or be misdirected. The last thing most caregivers want to do is allow their resentment or anger to taint their relationships with those they care for.
Someone in our group raised this issue again recently: How do we deal with the seething resentment that we feel? How do we prevent this rage from spilling over into our relationships?
It was clear that everyone in the room knew what he was talking about. Everyone responded with the perfunctory nods of agreement and reminders to breathe, be grateful, and hang in there. These are veteran caregivers who already do most of the things recommended for self-care: exercising, setting boundaries, eating well, getting as much rest as possible, etc. The urgency of their desire to address this issue was apparent.
How Do We Change Our Feelings?
Luckily, one of the women who had asked the same question in the past spoke up. She shared that she had intuitively discovered something that helped. She talked about how she had automatically shifted her feelings one day while helping with an unpleasant task. This generous soul has granted me permission to share this with you.
What my friend found was that by focusing on the process of what she was doing—by mindfully paying attention to each tiny step in the task at hand—she was able to change her feelings. She inadvertently alleviated the resentment and dread!
She changed her thoughts from, “I hate this; this is horrible. I can’t believe I have to do this every day and night for the rest of my life” to, “Okay, now I need to do this… put this here, then take it over there. Next I do that… yes, like that. Oh, that was much better than last time.”
As she explained it, my friend was able to “relax her brain, much like releasing a tightened fist.” By relaxing her brain, she was able to release the resentment and dread. She described it as letting go—releasing the breath that she had been holding. And in doing so, she discovered how to give up her resentment and anger.
Attention Is Key
Remember that when you truly focus your attention to the task, the switch to thinking mindfully about your action results in a change in your feelings and behavior. By forcing her attention to the minute processes of her admittedly unpleasant task, my friend also gained control over her emotions. She stopped the negative thoughts. Your mind can only hold one thought at a time. What you choose to think about creates your emotions.
It is your choice. Choose to focus on the process—the actions. That is mindfulness. By changing your focus to each step of the process (whether washing dishes, filing, changing a catheter, or meditating) you are also altering your feelings.
It takes practice. Begin with something easy, like learning to laser focus on your breathing. Feel the air going into your nostrils, your stomach rising, the air moving through your head and into your lungs, and then moving back up and out of your nose.
Next, try mindfully taking a bath or shower. Feel the water on your skin, smell the soap… feel the cloth in your hands and your hands moving over your body. Don’t allow your mind to wander to other things. Keep it contained in the actions and senses.
Finally, try this when doing a difficult task. Make your thoughts about what you are doing step by step. There is no room for thoughts that create dread and resentment.
Try it, and let us know how it works for you!
© Copyright 2013 by LuAnn Pierce, LCSW, therapist in Denver, CO. All Rights Reserved.
HarryAugust 22nd, 2013 at 11:16 AM
I guess that I have felt this anger because I am the only one whom I feel is doing my share. I have other brothers and sisters but it’s like I am the oldest so they assume it is my responsibility so they in essence they offer to do nothing. Even when I ask for help they act like they are offended that I would even ask them to give of their time. What do they think? That I don’t have another job? That I don’t have a family and other responsibilities too? I have had to neglect so many other things in my life to take care of my parents. I am fine with doing my part because I know that is part of what you do as an adult child, but it would be nice for them to give some back in return too, and I think that a lot of my own anger and stress would disappear if I felt like I had some help and they were pulling their weight.
rubinAugust 22nd, 2013 at 8:50 PM
sounds extremely simple.but I’m not sure how easy it actually is to do this.nit a caregiver but who doesnt have resentment about things!will give this a try and I hope I helps me.thank you for this and to the person who first suggested this technique.
Claudia TAugust 23rd, 2013 at 4:01 AM
Harry- it could be time to get a mediator. It could be that you are letting your built up anger cloud your judgment and you are hearing what may or may not be true. I wish you luck because I know from experience this is a time when family needs one another.
MaryAugust 24th, 2013 at 4:37 AM
As a caregiver it is important to remember that you need some support too. That is why it is important to note that there are numerous support groups available to those who are caring for loved ones that can help you address these kinds of issues.
Providing care for a loved one, even when it is your parents, is never something that most of us are going to look to as being easy. It is hard and it is time consuming and most of the time we are never going to get the help and support from other familiy members that we really need to make it a fair fight.
That’s why there are these groups that were created to help us. We all need a little help from time to time, even just to have a safe place to vent and others to talk to. I urge you that if you find yourself in a situation like this to look around in your community for a support group like this. Just having someone to talk to can make you feel so much better about your situation.
Robbie MNovember 9th, 2013 at 7:37 PM
I feel a great deal of resentment as I care for my elderly mother. She never helped me after my children were born or after I had to have numerous surgeries w/ young children to care for and long recoveries. Never even visited my father when I brought him to live in our home during his last yrs. i am an only child. She has Alzheimer’s. I try to forgive her selfishness and be loving and caring, but it is so difficult. She is nasty and very dramatic much of the time. Caregiving is crushing and exhaustingand lonely and thankless most of the time. It is an act of supreme love.
TerryNovember 13th, 2013 at 7:19 AM
Rubin- There are books written just about Mindfulness. One place to look is Amazon.com It can be helpful in many ways. Best to you!
MollyOctober 8th, 2014 at 2:31 PM
For nearly 4 years I have been a full time caregiver for my mother who end of stage renal disease (esrd) and my grandmother who suffered a t.i.a stroke and has lost hearing in one ear and started having memory problem. These past years I can count on one hand the many times I have had me time. Lately my mother has become a burden with her jealous tendency toward me because everyone counts on me now for help and not her. Even because her friends have become more close to me and won’t talk much with her. I have even broken my friendship with her friends and ignore the people who ask me for assistance. It’s gotten to the point that I hate being in the same room with her. Sadly we argue a lot I try to control my temper with her but her and I have never had a close relationship like I do with my grandmother. I love taking care of my grandmother very now and then we butt heads but not me and my mother.
I don’t know what else to do but I know my mom can say hurtful things and I am the same way. Everyone says we both are alike and that’s why we are butting heads. I’m under tremendous stress barely being able to leave to have time for myself and basically pulling all the weight for other family members who won’t even stay an hour due to my moms attitude.
WendyDecember 7th, 2014 at 8:48 AM
My sister is so angry. I can’t even talk to her about it. I know that I cannot understand what she is going through since I do not live with them. She explodes every time I try to talk to her. I think she resents all the siblings too.
It’s so sad. She and my mother are miserable too. Both like control. What can we do? When I try to help she is angry if she can’t do it all herself. I think she hates herself for feeling this way too. Any advice for other family members? I love them both.
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