Experiences of Depression: Irritability and Anger
October 10th, 2011
By Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, Depression Topic Expert Contributor
This article is part of a series that explores the ways that specific “clusters” of depression symptoms manifest to create different experiences of depression. The previous article in this series discussed the hopeless experience.
The irritable or angry experience of depression is often not recognized as depression, either by the person who experiences it or by those around then. For the person experiencing this kind of depression, the people around them may seem disappointing, irritating, or intolerable, and the depressed person may feel as emotionally uncomfortable as someone with severe poison oak feels physically. They may feel very frustrated that they can’t get the people who seem to be causing their suffering to change. People around the angry or irritable depressed person may see them as mean, angry, or a bully. It may not even occur to onlookers that this person could be depressed.
Irritability and Anger in Men and Women
I believe men and women tend to express this experience differently. Many men feel a great deal of pressure not to cry or express vulnerability, so when they get depressed, anger is a more acceptable way to experience the emotional pain they’re feeling. Men may also feel more pressure to not feel anything, and so turn to drugs and alcohol when they’re in emotional pain to try to numb themselves. So while we associate crying with depression, men may not cry and yet be just as depressed as those who do. I believe this is the main reason women are diagnosed with depression twice as much as men are: many men who are depressed aren’t getting the help they need.
When men are depressed and express it as anger, violence, or addiction, the consequences may further distract from getting the help they need. These consequences can be extreme, like jail or chasing a high, but they may also take the form of loneliness and isolation after alienating people. Self-hate may grow inside as depression festers and the consequences of anger create more and more to hate.
Women are certainly not immune to experiencing depression as anger. Often in women it comes out as irritability, particularly with their children. This too may go undetected because sometimes, only their children see it, and children rarely call a therapist for their mother.
How Anger Manifests
There are two types of anger. One is a response to something hurtful or unfair happening to or around the person who feels angry. The other is a protection against feeling something more vulnerable. When someone has been abused or traumatized, they certainly have reason to be angry, and often don’t have a chance to express it when the trauma occurs. So anger may linger as a symptom of posttraumatic stress disorder, or may become incorporated into a person’s personality over time. When that happens, people feel angry a great deal of the time, and the anger isn’t just anger anymore—it becomes a way of life. It’s probable the anger develops this way in order to protect the person from further abuse, and from the painful feelings of sadness, hurt, and fear that were also a part of the traumatic experience.
Classic examples of depression expressed as anger include men who come home from combat with the experiences of terror of imminent death, sadness from losing friends who were killed, and systematic emotional training to channel all these feelings into anger, revenge, and warfare. Coming home with all of this, it’s not hard to understand why a man would be depressed, or why he would express it through domestic violence, picking fights, or even just caustic cynicism. Police officers can have a similar experience, as can people who grow up with angry or sadistic parents who repeatedly abuse them. Even people whose parents used them for their own needs, without concern for their child’s emotional needs, may carry chronic anger that covers the hurt, sadness, and fear.
The Roots of Anger and Depression
In fact, anger almost always covers or is accompanied by hurt, sadness or fear. When anger is helpfully expressed and begins to resolve, it almost always dissolves into tears and more vulnerable feelings. Usually, as long as a person sticks with the anger, they are stuck in the depression.
One way to look at this is that “frozen” feelings are often at the root of depression. Someone who feels and/or expresses only anger probably has frozen hurt, fear, shame, guilt, or sadness. Someone who never feels or expresses anger probably has frozen anger. In either case, the person may be depressed and suffering and probably will continue to suffer until their frozen feelings are safely unlocked, expressed, and resolved.
© Copyright 2011 by Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, therapist in El Cerrito, CA. All Rights Reserved.
Read More
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23 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
I never think of depression manifesting itself like this. I always think of someone all sad and mopey, and not functioning but with so much anger. I am sure that a lot of these people who experience depression like this go around feeling very misunderstood and like there is nothing that can be done to ease their symptoms. And it is critical that they find a therapist who has seen this before in patients and can give them some direction with how to end the anger and to get past the depression. There has to be some very useful tools available to help them do that.
Being nice to people spreads positivity and joy. Bring abusive to and bullying people will only make them change and become just like the perpetrator and it is the spread of negativity. Both are possible to spread and it is unto us to choose. We can spread positivity and make a change or spread negativity and contribute our bit to corrupt the world even more.
You may be depressed but as long as I was not the cause I am not going to take any anger from your side. You’re depressed and I’d love to help but by being full of rage you are only repelling any possible help from my side!
So now people with anger management problems are just going to turn around and blame depression for their problem? I am not saying this is not valid- but I am saying that it can’t be used as an excuse for you to go around being angry at others all of the time and taking out that frustration on those who have nothing to do with where that anger stems from. It really is a whole lot easier to be kind than to be so snarky all of the time.
Very good point, all. Being depressed does not give anyone license to be abusive, nor should anyone excuse or accept abusive behavior, regardless of it’s origin. Moreover, most people who bully or abuse feel bad about themselves for doing it, and relieved when someone stops them. Taking abuse doesn’t do anyone any good. People who experience depression this way are certainly suffering, and need help, but our compassion for that doesn’t negate the need to protect ourselves and set limits, so that we aren’t targets for the misery. We must simultaneously have compassion for the angry sufferer and absolutely do whatever it takes to protect ourselves from them.
I think it might be easy to confuse people who have a lack of impulse control, with respect to anger, and those who are genuinely depressed who express their depression by being angry. I don’t think it is helpful to place both in the same category.
Yes, anger can have many meanings and origins, depression is just one of them. Would you care to say more about your thoughts about this Jan?
Some of you also need to think carefully about your responses. People who suffer from depression with irritability/mood swings, like myself, work highly stressful jobs and have chronic medical conditions that sometimes inhibit the healthy “emotional purging” process. It’s also aggravating to have a partner/spouse who always wants to know how you feel, when at times, you don’t know what you feel. Apathy, emptiness are two things that are experienced, as well as confusion as to the regards of the direction that their life/job needs to take- and should take. Depressed/anger sufferers aren’t always abusive so it’s rather judgmental call to lump them all into one category when there’s more to these people than just depression/anger/irritability. Jobs and family life play a heavy part in the picture, as well. They are also not all bullies. In fact, a lot are just trying to find their way, figure out their life and battle these conditions for the rest of their lives. It’s a constant struggle- just like drug and alcohol addiction. Just a pov for some of you to chew on….
Most of the comments here seem to be from people who have no idea what depression is like — certainly no personal experience of it. To blithely say that all you need to do is “spread positivity” shows a real lack of understanding.
I really appreciated this article. Although the anger/depression connection is mostly discussed in reference to men, I am a woman who has struggled with both my entire life.
I have hidden my anger issues from therapists, because anger is so unacceptable in women and because I’m so ashamed of my outbursts and the hurt they have caused. I was only half-conscious that this anger could be due to other “frozen” feelings.
Thank you for a well-written, informative article.
This article was really helpful to me. I am also female and have had three episodes of depression, all of which started with irritability and I didn’t realise at the time that’s what it was. I did suffer trauma in my early years, (not intentional but through my parents’ ignorance). I also identify really strongly with the passage “or even parents who use them for their own needs without concern for their child’s emotional needs may carry chronic anger that covers the hurt, sadness and fear.” It’s the first time I’ve seen such a description but it fits my own experience perfectly.
I’m not a bully, I’m not violent. My irritability triggers strong anxiety and I can barely function when that kicks in.
I’ve bookmarked this page so that I can refer back to it for reassurance when things get difficult.
I think this article is very accurate. I am a female who suffers with irritability, anger, isolation & depression which worsens in the winter months. I had an abusive childhood & still wonder if 20 yrs later I could still be suffering the effects of it. This article shows that maybe I could be.
I am with LIL, Laura, Carol and felicia. I have struggled with this since my teenage years. Poor impulse control conveys to a range of feelings and behaviors, not just angry ones, and that is the distinction.
For the first time just this past weekend after years and years of seeing psychotherapists and taking anti-depressants, a psychiatric NP diagnosed the irritability as something else, something caused not just by depression but also anxiety. I do not think of myself as anxious but after going through the signs and symptoms I realized that a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder fit. So, now I am going to include treatment for that for the first time, but at least I know that this is not my fault and I am not some sort of bad person because of it, or that I did not try hard enough.
It ends up being a double whammy for you Cailin. Like me, you get the irritability from both sides and the problem is then perpetuated in a vicious circle. Let’s hope you can make some progress now that you can see another route.
I have struggled with depression for years.
mild depression with chronic pain.
I had extreme stress and finally cracked under the strain.
During this time my depression became severe.
My doctor wanted to try another drug for pain so we had to wean 2 antidepressants to try it (couldn’t mix the drugs).
One was for pain and worked so well.
Weaning me off 2 a.d. took me into hell.
I had the most painful depression – horrible.
I have never been the same since.
I went back on my old medications-the endep worked great again for pain.
The a.d. didn’t work.
I am on lexapro-only 20mg.
From the start I have been agitated, irritable and angry.
felt like I was on speed!
It is not my personality.
You’ll adjust they said.
Still angry, irritable.
I dont snap at people I love, but I cant handle other people.
I dont like being with other people.
I have zero tolerance.
Anyone have these symptoms?
I can see how men and women might show depression thru anger etc.
Of course it doesn’t apply to abusive people-they’re just abusers.
thanks Donna
Thank you, ladies, for taking the time to tell a bit of your stories. I, too, am a woman dealing with depression and rage. It is somewhat of a relief to know that this also affects women. I can relate to you, Donna. Only difference is that chronic pain isn’t in my symptom picture. I’m always angry. If not visibly, it’s just below the surface. Sadly, I find myself snapping at the ones I care about as well as anyone else. That is usually followed by feeling bad about the outbursts. If I had a short fuse I’d be doing great, but I’m explosive… And I CAN’T control it. So I isolate myself. Largely because there is no one there to set me off. I know about having zero tolerance, about not wanting to be around other people, being unable to handle being around people. I’m at the beginning of the treatment road. Thank you all for taking the time to share, it’s a relief to know that being a “bitch” for the rest of my life may not be my destiny. If only it were as easy as “spreading kindness, love and positive thoughts”. I hope those practices work for you, Amoeba. I also hope you never know this personal hell. Holding hands and singing “Kumbaya” isn’t a very effective approach. Comments based in ignorance reflect your lack of understanding.
I knew that my anger issues were somehow tied to my depression, but I didn’t know that this is a “thing”.
What I do know is that I am not always like this. I seem to cycle into it and then get out; as I think about this more. I really wish I knew what might help. If anyone has had experience with successes please let me know.
I end up ruining friendships and creating awkward situations that make me wish I could be swallowed up by the floor. I feel like I need to get a new job because I am increasingly creating rifts. It’s getting bad, but I am not highly employable and can not afford to go without working. My doseage has recently been increased but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I hate who I am.
I highly recommend seeing a chiropractor to make sure you do not have a misalignment that is impeding the proper flow of energy throughout your body. I had spinal subluxation or a reverse curve of the spine. I suffered with anxiety, hypertension, depression and anger for years. I tried all sorts of alternative and western healing modalities. Finally I saw a professional who knew what he was doing and he took x rays of my neck and found that I had a reverse curve which was putting an incredible amount of strain on my central nervous system. We worked over two years to reverse the curve but even early on in my treatment I noticed an incredible settling of my nerves. Everything was positively affected: my outlook, emotion, thoughts, ability to put forth energy in my life, digestion, even. Now I have the energy to jog and stretch regularly. Combined with eating whole foods I truly feel like a new person with a new potential for life. My feelings toward others have become incredibly more gentle and appropriate.
Look for a chiropractor who has extensive post graduate experience.
Thank you for this :-)
You need to go back and read the article! And should Thank God you are obviously not going through depression and hopefully never will.
Thank you for this article and thank you all for sharing. I also have anger and irritability with my depression and as a woman, it is not acceptable. I can relate to many of the ladies here. As someone else mentioned, I can cycle in and out but it’s always right on the surface. I isolate myself too because I simply can’t stand being around other people. They just drive me insane. I have a tendency to really take it out on boyfriends. The slightest thing they do can send me in a tizzy when I’m symptomatic. My doctor prescribed meds but I don’t want to get stuck on that cycle so I’m simply trying to deal with lifestyle changes first and then some new coping skills. If all else fails, I will try meds but I have to be prayerful about that. Thank you all for sharing.
This is a great article and mirrors my situation. I have been depressed for years because of the state of my marriage as basically since we had kids over 9 years ago we have not had sex and it was sporadic before. This led to me being depressed and frequently angry with my wife as she was dismissive of this part of the relationship missing.
To cut a long story short this peaked again at Christmas and led to me assaulting my wife and 3 other women (my daughter from my first marriage and 2 of her friends) when they tried to protect my wife. I was arrested and charged and eventually my lawyers managed to get the charge down to one of common assault and so for the first time in 54 years I was in trouble with the law.
My depression then really kicked in and I was so suicidal and depressed I was sent to a secure mental health unit at first by self-referral but I was told in no uncertain terms that if I hadn’t done that I would have been forcibly detained under the Mental Health Act (Sectioned).
Depression in men is awful as we tend to disguise it and probably the number of men who suffer from it is on a par with women however because of our machismo and the expectations of society we do not always seek appropriate treatment until something like what happened to me occurs.
Very nicely described, Adrian. I’m so sorry all this happened. Are you getting help for your depression and anger now?
Hi Cynthia
I have just finished weekly care under a Community Psychiatric team. Currently I am about to start a course of cognitive psychotherapy and I am also attending a self-help group for abusers called ADAPT which I am finding very useful as it would seem that I am literally not alone – it is male only at present but the majority of us seem to be bottlers and we are not serial abusers rather we have had one off explosions caused by repressing our feelings – as I said I have found it very helpful. The course is 30 weeks long and I have attended for 6 weeks at present. The link to the originators is her as you may find it useful in the United States: hamptontrust.org.uk/our-programmes/adapt/
Best wishes
Adrian
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