Intimacy (into-me-see): Invite Your Partner for a Visit Into Your World
April 20th, 2009
By Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT
Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Most of us want to feel connected, loved and safe in a relationship, but building a relationship that works requires a number of abilities. Building a relationship requires building trust. It requires an attitude of kindness and curiosity towards our partner. It requires looking at our relationship as an adventure, rather than a problem or chore. And it requires being vulnerable: sharing who we are with our partner.
We often want to be listened to by our partners, but can we also listen to them? One thing that makes therapy beneficial is that the therapist is a professional, trained not only in psychology, but also in listening. As we are listened to, and validated, we feel affirmed and understood. For example, if my partner says to me, “it really hurt me when you made plans without asking me how I felt about them.” I would respond not by arguing and saying, “I thought you were busy,” etc. but instead would say, “It really hurt your feelings when I made plans without considering what you might want.” “Do you want to tell me more?”
In relationships, each person lives in a different world. We will never live in the same world; never have the same past, the exact same experience or way of understanding our lives. We have different wounds and different sensitivities. When we are listened to, we feel less alone. We crave to be listened to without argument or interruption, to simply be heard. One of the things that make a relationship work is when we can listen to our partner, and conversely, our partner can listen to us.
When we cross the bridge into our partner’s world, we leave our own opinions and self-protection behind. Instead, we bring in curiosity and caring. As we do this, we increase safety in the relationship. The other becomes safe to expose themselves to us. But to do this requires maturity. Listening and understanding without putting our in own two cents is a skill. It is not always easy to listen to the other. With every word they say, we may want to respond, to defend, or to disagree. Crossing the bridge into the world of our partner is problematic if we are reactive. It is hard to listen to another and hold back our disagreements if we are afraid we will be overpowered or lose ourselves by not speaking. It is important to trust that we don’t have to share our own opinions and counter every thing we do not agree with. It is also important to know that our partner will listen to us without argument.
Listening does not mean we agree. It does not mean we give up our own desires and needs. It just means that we listen and validate that we understand. It means we want to understand our partner’s world, even if it is not our world, even if it may cause us pain, even if we want them to change.
What is too hard for you to listen to? Why? Places we cannot listen indicate areas of deep pain. It might be that your partner has a need that makes you feel unimportant or abandoned. Can you listen anyway? What is your partner unable to hear about you? How would you feel if your partner could listen? Is there an imbalance? Does one partner always listen and the other always explain? If so, these roles will need to be switched.
I encourage you to open up the space to listen to each other in your relationship. If you find that either you or your partner is not able to fully listen without countering or arguing, get help. A relationship cannot truly have intimacy if each partner does not feel safe to share his or her feelings. Imago workshops teach people in relationships to build intimacy by listening. Therapy can also teach people to listen to each other.
©Copyright 2009 by Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
10 comments so far
I recently had a very bad 1 month in my relationship and I was very withdrawn and very argumentative. I realised I had a tendency to blow situations out of proportion as most arguments would find me doing all the talking. My partner pointed this out to me as things came to a boil. He said I lived in an imaginary world and start hurling accusations. He said I had already formed an opinion as I talk all the time. Reading this made me see I was wrong in my attitude towards our relationship.
I think we build a wall around us that protects are individuality strongly once we get into a serious relationship. The curiosity and the kindness moves out once we know the person really well. It’s sad but I guess being defensive becomes second nature. I think we have to consciously correct this attitude in most of us and curb it right from the beginning
Into-me-see is a scary thought
Becoming intimate with another has been difficult for me to achieve because I have spent the biggets part of my life blocking out the words of others to protect myself from insults and ugliness. It is a scary feeling to be tackling these issues as an adult. I mean how do you change who you have been for all of these years? Frightening and difficult all at the same time! I wish I had had the type of childhood that would have allowed me to easily let others in but that was not the case unfortunately so now I have to deal with that on my own. I know the work will be worth it in the end when I can finally let someone in and not be afraid of the repercussions of doing so.
Letting others in is scary but think of how lonely life would be without them.
I think letting someone totally in has to do with trust. The longer a relationship the better to me. I think attraction dies down within weeks so its easy to tell if it for real.
I agree with Paul. I do get defensive because that is who I am and how I act and it seems that the time I have gotten into an argument.. I get accused of being defensive as if there is something wrong with that. If I feel I am being attached or blamed for something I didn’t do or I don’t agree at all on….This is how I react.
I think we need to remind ourselves every now and then that we are not at war with our partner. This is infact a person we love and chose consciously to share our world. When we lose sight of that everything becomes complicated.
I have a hard time letting my guard down and letting people see who I really am. I guess I don’t want to be judged or for people to think it strange on some of my beliefs. I guess too many times letting people in got me hurt so unless I truly get to know someone, then I will think about sharing things about me.
I completely understand this concept — I’ve never been able to put it into words but I never had emotional safety with my parents (especially my mother) or my husband even though it seemed like it when we were dating. After marriage, he got busy investing time in past friendships, his parents, his career as a teacher (and following careers) and though he tried to include me in these things, he was not really focusing on me and truely nurturing our relationship. It was more like he was trying to fit me into the life he wanted. Add to that many bad experiences in friendships, parental relationships and work situations and I have one messed up way of viewing the world. Like Liesa, I have a very difficult time letting down my own guard and letting people know the real me. I had no idea how to fix it, we ended up divorced after he decided he would rather be with someone else, and I’m left picking up the pieces and trying to nurture my own two daughters who I don’t want to mess up. I was so unable to express how I truely felt in our relationship, I’m sure I came across as critical unintentionally, and he definiately was so critical especially when we had our daughters, I just shut down over time. So now I’m completely alone, completely messed up in the head, trying not to screw up my daughters and just trying to survive. All because I never felt loved — and now I’m not. It’s ironic.