Making Love Last
January 18th, 2009 |
By Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT
Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Making love last is a concern for anybody with a relationship history that has included disappointment, pain and loss. How do we do it differently the next time around?
What starts for so many as a blissful connected loving state often turns into sadness riddled with problematic behavior and seemingly un-resolvable conflicts. How can we learn to have lasting, productive and satisfying relationships? While innate chemistry and compatibility are important, creating fulfilling relationships that last, is far more complex than that. Is it possible to learn to create connections in which love can flourish? Yes, it is possible if we look at successful relationships as a developmental milestone and life skill. Just as other tasks in life require knowledge and practice, learning to create the context for a successful relationship can happen with practice, knowledge, and awareness.
How we know somebody else is related to how we know ourselves; how we construct our own reality. We live in stories; we carry our unconscious stories as roadmaps that most of us are not fully aware of. We live not just in current “reality” but also through acts of imagination and meaning making. When we experience the unweaving and understanding of our own stories and how we identify ourselves, we become capable of re-envisioning ourselves and allowing for new stories to emerge. For example, if someone were always attracted to “sad” women, because he was re-enacting (unaware) the story that his “sad” mother needed his help, as he becomes aware (often through therapy) of that story and its impact on his romantic choices, he can change his story to one that serves him better. The importance of self-reflection becomes clear. It allows us to understand our role in repetitive self-defeating choice patterns in our romantic relationships.
Relationship patterns also are influenced by our fears around connection and safety. We live in bodily and emotional connection to others. We are born through wombs and are nourished at breasts as infants. We experience love through emotional connection and touch. When our attachment needs are threatened, we move into fear and behaviors which attempt to help us to maintain safety and connection. Many of these behaviors however, sabotage the very connection we seek.
Instead of responding out of fear, we can look at our actions. Are we building bridges, or burning them? Are we caught in loops of behavior that we cannot control? Love cannot flourish when we behave in ways that break connection. Being disappointed with our partner is not the problem; it is the dialogue we have, both with our partner and ourselves that matters. The choices of behaving and thinking that we learn to make in the context of our pain and disappointment can allow us to create a satisfying love.
Making love last also requires curiosity, both about our own reactions and the reactions of our partner. Love cannot flourish if we blame, criticize, or do not take responsibility for our own responses. Love cannot flourish when we do not allow ourselves to be vulnerable or behave in a way that the other cannot be vulnerable with us. Because of this, habitual patterns of behavior that create safety and routine, but reduce risk and openness, while necessary for aspects of our lives and our relationships, can diminish connection.
A relationship is a living breathing entity created by two individuals. Creating a relationship is a commitment to the process of that relationship, thus it must continually be nourished. Nourishing a relationship requires the courage to take risks, to be vulnerable and curious rather than defensive. It includes the ability to tolerate and share uncomfortable feelings and experience ambiguity. Making love last includes a willingness to witness
©Copyright 2008 by Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
16 comments so far
This felt like someone put a mirror to my life. I have never really gotten over a guy I loved with all my heart. I realised that this was definitely getting in the way of my current relationship. I am now married to my best friend and I think I was living a story that had ended. I have now made a conscious effort move on by removing reminders from the previous relationship. I am also trying hard to love my husband with all my heart.
I believe we need trust and respect in a relationship to make it work. Our past lives with others do seem to have an affect on our present relationship. If there is no respect or trust, the relationship, i believe, will be in trouble.
I am in a relationship where my husband would do anything for me.. but there are times where he gets insecure, whether it be something he sees or hears on the tv, or from others and then it seems like he feels threatened that our relationship is going to be in jeopardy. When things pop up that are happenning to others, he automatically thinks he has to check up on me to make sure things are okay and that I have no plans on leaving… I have never felt this way with him and hope one day he can rest assured things are fine.
It is hard to get over and forget the past relationships in order to move on to the new one. If we can just get past the negatives or positives of past relationships and focus on the one we have now… there’s a good chance that things will work for both parties
I don’t think any marriage is perfect, but we can make it as perfect as possible by just being understanding and being there for one another. There are gonna be some tough times, as with anything, and we just need to remember the love that we have for each other.
I see so many people in unhappy marriages and relationship and it sometimes makes me wonder if there is a relationship that does work. I know there are, but I truly believe now days, you have to make it work… It doesn’t come easy and It would be even more wonderful if we had relationships that takes no work at all, that just come natural.
I agree with Melody. there has to be trust there as well as respect. Without these, whose to say that any relationship can work out. Without respect the partners end up resenting each other due to privacy or whatever. and without trust, then the relationship has nothing but bickering… Why do some partners feel like they have to control?
In my marriage it is definetly trust… And yes to the others… it does take work, no one said being in a loving relationship was going to be easy…. the honeymoon is usually over after several years, but I found that you can still have that if you try
Maturing is important for marriage just as much as trust is. Some of my friends have ruined their marriages with lack of maturity. I am not for once biased when I say this but marrying very young is the main reason for this. Every one knows their negatives, if it is a bad habit you need to consciously kick it off before you decide on marrying. Bad character traits have to be ironed out. Its better to see a psychiatrist than divorce for being a psycho. The list is endless but I believe lack of maturity ruins lives in a big way.
I agree with John. My sister ruined a good relationship by being the most suspicious person to be married to. As a family we stand by her as she is all alone but we dont think what she did was right. She married at 18 and is divorced now at 20.
Start by making no demands upon the other. That’s none, nil, nada, zilch. I’m not saying you should not express yourself, in fact, the opposite. But there is a huge difference between saying what you like or don’t like and expecting your partner to act on it.
I’ve spent years with the bathroom half-renovated? You keep checking email when coffee is ready? I leave my clothes lying around? Who are you to control my habits? You takes 20 minutes to put on make-up? That’s just what you need to feel comfortable.
The experience of being able to act without engendering the other’s approval or disapproval leads to an extraordinary freedom: the possibility of being yourself. Furthermore, it is cumulative; the longer you are together, the more assured you both are of this, and the more you are each able to express yourselves.
I want to make it completely clear that this is not some abstract goal, such that 80% or 90% or 95% is “good enough”. Imagine being barefoot in a room with thumb-tacks on the floor. Even a few will inhibit your ability to dance, but once you find the room to be free of them, no limits apply. So make no demands at all of your partner. By doing so, you will find that they add to you; you can be yourself, and the partnership just adds more possibilities of being.
To Kit and Kat….Thank you for your words. You couldn’t have said it better. I often feel like this and wished that my spouse did the same. Don’t put demands on me is what I want to say so many times… There are times where I wish I could just be to do as i want (as long as I’m not hurting anyone and it’s not negative). I still think this is a trust issue or maybe a low self esteem issue on his part.
I have found in my wife a woman who believes in me and cares for me through good times and bad. That is what it is all about. So many marriages that I see are fair weather marriages. When everyhting is OK it is smooth sailing, but when there is a bump in the road then all goes to you know where. That is not what marriage is about. There will be good times and bad but you have to be willing to work through them, learn what you have done to contribute to the situation, and be willing to work together with your partner to fix things. People so often want the easy way out that it is no wonder that divorce rates have skyrocketed- they do not want to do the hard work that is so much a big part of making marriage work. But when you are willing to take on the work then a strong marriage can be the very best partnership that you will have ever created for yourself.
There are many who get into misguided relationships simply because they had no positive relationships in their lives when they were growing up to model one after. That should teach all of us a thing or two about the many things we are putting out there for our own children. Children need to see their parents in loving and healthy relationships, even if it is not with one another. They need to see maturity and honesty in every single thing that their parents do yet there are some with kids who are still kids themselves and have no idea how to exhibit these actions. It is time for all of us to grow up a little and end some of these horrible cycles that keep perpetuating themselves becasue no one is being given the tools that they need to be the ones to break the chain.
I loved reading kit and kat’s comments. However looking beyond the things that irritate you will take time and concerted effort. My best friend realised her guy was a total pig only after living with him for 3 months. She couldnt cope and left despite trying hard. Working on a relationship in a constructive fashion needs tact, patience and perseverance.
Making oneself available and a will to change minuses is a good way of making love last. Every relationship should also have a spacer.