How to Let Go
April 8th, 2009 |
A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC
Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Shattering Our Illusions
Kurt Vonnegut, in The Cat’s Cradle, created the concept of the “Karass,” a group of people with a connection, albeit often unknowingly, sharing a mutual spiritual goal. In the spirit of what often appears as “coincidence” people find they run into these individuals again and again. Maybe seeing them often, or even occasionally, they “pop up” in your life, across various points of your life. While you may not even “know them” they still feel familiar because you often share the same spaces or experiences. They, as you are, share a common spiritual path, even if you don’t know it or them.
The Healing Wave
Similarly, as if in some pre-scripted movie, life seems to send clients my away in what I call “healing waves.” I coined this term to explain the pattern that unfolds when, energetically, the same kinds of clients walk through my door, and in the same span of time. To me, it is as if universe sends them to “do their work” in energetic groups. And, as in Vonnegut’s “Karass,” these people are joined, energetically and spiritually, arriving all to focus on the same issue, concept, or need. While their histories, situations, and goals may be different, they speak of the exact same concepts in session, as the ones prior. The most recent “energy wave” wanted my greater attention, wanted me to do more with it. And so, this article came about.
Without fail, I found that a recent healing wave came of clients struggling with pain from a secondary level of loss, the loss of illusion. Session after session they, perhaps like you have, grieved the loss of the “idea of” something. The second layer of grief that comes when one has to mourn not only the original loss, such as a relationship, life change, or death, but also the “illusion” of what things “could have been like,” as opposed to how the situations, events, or others “really are.”
Faith, Hope, and Illusion
I believe that our attachment to the “idea of” something comes from our confusing two separate concepts, faith and hope. As a result of our confusing these ideas, we then become hijacked by illusion, a fantasy of how things are, or should be. In other words, by confusing faith and hope, we become attached to an illusion created in our minds. We then experience great pain when that ensuing illusion, doesn’t match the true reality. We then grief the loss of the illusion itself.
Lets break down the three concepts of faith, hope and illusion. To me, when we have faith, we can identify wholeheartedly that either way events turn out, “things will unfold as they should.” Faith is “multidirectional:” we may favor, but are not solely focused on, a specific outcome. Instead, our underlying assumptions are based on allowing and accepting our lack of control over the universe, accept for our individual choices. We act from a place of knowing that things must also be allowed to unfold. As a result of our faith, we can identify the difference between what can be controlled, and what cannot. Therefore, we become more mindful of what choices we make. For example, faith sounds like, “while I would like my sister to stop drinking, I know that I have no control over it. I have done what I can. She has choices to make, but I know that it will work out as it is supposed to.”
In contrast, I believe that hope, is a “unidirectional” investment in a specific outcome. Our thoughts, emotions, and actions come from a place of attachment that compels us towards a desired result. When we became attached to that definite outcome via “hope,” we will surely be disappointed when things don’t work out as we expected. Instead of allowing and letting go, hope’s unidirectional focus of attention often leads us to ignore, not see, or avoid, the true reality of the situation. If you’ve ever had a significant break up, I can imagine you that can relate. Hope sounds like “I hope he comes back to me. I hope she changes her mind.” In contrast, faith sound like “I want things to be different, but I can only control my part of what will happen.”
Over and over again, if we focus only on hope, an illusion becomes fashioned, one that we hold on to, depend on, dream of, and act from. But, like all fantasies, the reality will eventually hit us that things are not as we imagined them to be. Instead of seeing what is real, we have become attached to an illusion, the “idea of” something that is actually false, not based in reality, thus creating pain. In the case of a break up, for example, one can spend months, even years, holding on to the illusion that the relationship will work, when it won’t. One can spend years holding on to the illusion that “this time” things will be different with a relative’s choices about drinking. In both cases, the “idea of” of that relationship working, their choices actually being different, can hijack us away from what is right in front of us, the authentic reality. He is not coming back. She is not returning. Your relative is still choosing alcohol over sobriety and life.
Reality
Yes, it is harsh, and we hate it, but reality doesn’t care that we hate it. Reality just does what it does; it just “is.” Yet, over and over again, with few exceptions, the words “faith, hope, and illusion” became paired. And, as if those three pearls of words were strung together with a string of pain, we then struggle with the grief that ensues as they become unstrung. We then have to acknowledge and own the illusion that we bought into.
The universe asks us to let go and allow faith to do what it does, which is to allow things to unfold as they should. That being said, when you are struggling with faith and hope, you are asked to be conscious of your choices. No matter what choices you are making right now, can you make them with faith, but without a blinding investment in a specific outcome? Can you allow things to unfold, even if you don’t know what that will look like, recognizing that things will unfold as they should?
©Copyright 2009 by Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
17 comments so far
This was a very deep and interesting article. I have always been told, that if it’s too much for you to handle, just let go and let God take care of it. It kinda sound the same here. What is beyond your control, let faith take over.
I believe everything has a reason in life. That there really are no coincidences. It’s like a pattern that unfolds and what is suppose to happen in your chart will happen, it’s suppose to happen and we are to learn from our life’s journey.
For many of us I think it is easier to become attached to the illusion of how we wish things to be rather than facing the harsh realities of everyday life. We have built up these fantasies that ultimately do not come true and that does tend to cause the walls of reality to come crashing down upon us in a not so gentle or kind way. But in this way we have only set oursleves up for pain. It is nice though to see that there are those who care about us who tend to live our lives in these fantasy worlds and who have the tools to help us when we then find ourselves at your doorsteps seeking guidance and advice.
I think a lof of us or me especially are scared of what the outcome might be if we don’t try to control what happens in our lives. I know things happen for a reason and we must learn from them, but it’s hard to sit back and let faith take over. I guess you have to have a lot of faith to do that.
I think Yuri has said it beautifully. I think it’s nice to dream about things the way we want them to be and who knows, maybe some of them will come true in it’s own time.
Not being able to let go of illusion and simply live in reality is not healthy.
I think if you live in illusion way too long, it is going to wear you down because there is almost nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t hurt anyone to dream that things will get better in the end, but I think we need to concentrate on what is there in front of us and if its something we can’t change, let it go and it will take care of itself sooner or later.
I think things will work out eventually on it’s own. we need to learn to let go and let it work it’s ownself out whether we like it or not. Some things we just can’t control
I am a fifty something year old man and I know that there are still days when I live in my own “what might have been” world and not in my true reality. I think it is ok to dream but not to the point that it interferes with every day life. Life is too precious to be consumed with our failed visions of what we thought would always happen but never did.
I love your site … good to know you guys are outh there in the St. Louis community.
Letting go of those dreams that you have can be so sad though. It is almost like you are admitting failure when you let the dreams die.
Thanks for all of the comments and thoughts about this post. It is, I think, so challenging to be in the “now” and realize that where we came from is how we got “here.” Letting go is about allowing things to unfold. Sometimes our egos tell us what we “think” things should look like. Ironically, that perception may be not be in our best interest, or meet what our true self actually needs. Yes, It is about control, as Carrie said. It is also about, as Yuri stated, when our pain comes from the contrast between our reality vs. our fantasies. When we get attached to how things were, should be, or might have been, that is where the struggle comes….
Your article is one of the best ones in distinguishing between faith and hope.
Thanks for this -
Warmly,
Laura
Laura, thanks for the feedback; I truly appreciate it. Best wishes to you.
This was a very deep article. It reminded me of a friend from school who was so much in love with my best friend that he lost his mind in the process. Even after she had moved on, he had made a make believe life with her in which he lived with her. It got to a point when it started getting dangerous and he had to be put away. Living with illusions is a dangerous thing.
Thelma, Yes, that is a great example of how living with an illusion is such a slippery slope. We can see what we want to see, and when we act out of that place, can find major struggles. Thank you for the personal and powerful example.
I liked reading this article as it teaches us a lot of what we shouldnt obsess about.