Apology Accepted—How to Accept an Apology Without Making Things Worse
December 7th, 2009
By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Pam and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
You’ve been hurt; you’ve been wronged; you’ve been let down. And now your spouse stands with an apology. What goes on in your mind in this situation? Let’s pause the scene (a mental pause) and play out different responses.
Scenario 1. You’re mad. You want to make your partner squirm a little bit longer. You were the wronged party, after all. Don’t you have the right to exact a little retribution? Maybe you think your partner shouldn’t get off so easy. Maybe they need to really feel the impact of your hurt and anger caused by their actions. So, you might turn away, go in the other room and make your spouse work at extending the apology and getting forgiveness. Maybe, if you give in too soon, it will just happen again. So, make them wait till you are ready.
Scenario 2. You want to know the reasons why to figure it out. You have many questions and the apology won’t be accepted until you understand what happened. You feel that if you can understand what happened, then it won’t happen again.
Scenario 3. You don’t know what to say. You don’t know what to feel. You can’t figure out what to do. You feel tense, uncomfortable and confused. Your partner looks earnest and expectant. You don’t have any words. You stand there with a desperate urge to flee. If you act like nothing happened, maybe it won’t happen again.
You can probably think of many more scenarios since each situation, relationship, and apology is unique and may require a different response. In my 20 years of practice, I have seen couples struggle with both making and accepting apologies so they can return to an emotional closeness. If the situation that your spouse is apologizing for is extreme, such as an affair, physical abuse, or lies, then the acceptance of the apology is much more complex. But for those day to day transgressions that always occur between couples, here are some of the acceptance speeches I’ve seen couples do that work. That is, they are able to return to an emotional closeness.
1. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Let your partner finish saying their piece and listen attentively. Make good eye contact and say something like: “Nobody died. It’s OK. I’m getting over it already.”
2. Acknowledge specifically what they’ve said. You could say something like: “What you did truly hurt my feelings. I really felt awful. I sure hope it doesn’t happen again. I’m glad you spoke with me about it. I’m feeling better.”
3. Be mindful of your own feelings. If you still need some reassurance or amends, let your partner know. You could say: “Wow, I’m glad to hear you say you’re sorry for what you did. I think I need to talk with you some more about this. I really feel hurt. I want to feel close to you again but I need some time.”
My advice to you: when you are in the position of accepting an apology, give yourself a “Mental Pause” to decide the best course of action for you, your spouse, your situation, and the particular wrongdoing. Keep in mind the long term consequences to the relationship. Your goal is to return to emotional closeness.
©Copyright 2009 by Pamela Lipe, MS, therapist in Saint Paul, MN. All Rights Reserved.
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11 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
They say its difficult to render an apology but I think accepting an apology is an equally difficult thing to do. But as I have discovered, delaying the acceptance has , more than once, led to me and my girlfriend swapping sides(me saying sorry because I didn’t accept her earnest apology)…haha ;)
I know for sure that when I am not in the right frame of mind there is no way that I can accept an apology gracefully, and really that is not the way it should be at all. If someone is opening themselves up enough to suck it up and apologize, then I need to have enough style to accept it without making things worse. This is not always my strong suit but goodness knows that I try.
I have no problem accepting apologies. Giving them is very difficult for me though. I feel as if the words literally stick in my throat. I would like to see a follow up article on how to give them gracefully as well please Pamela.
I never apologize because I’m never wrong and I’ll argue to the death with anyone that says different. Oh yeah? Yeah!
Kidding. Good article Pamela!
When I leave the room it’s not about making them hurt longer and drawing out the suffering. It’s about knowing deep down that the apology is sincere. You need breathing space between you in the heat of the moment.
I have to be ready to hear the apology before I can truly accept it in my heart. I get hurt very easily and don’t get over hurt fast.
Apologies that are blurted out two minutes afterwards aren’t real apologies. Nobody has thought through why you’re hurt if they can apologize that fast. They just want to end the unpleasantness.
I would accept the apology if I’m not feeling terrible about me being wronged. But even if I am, I just say “its okay” anyway and not talk to the person for an hour or so…thats how I usually go about…
I agree that it is difficult to accept an apology when you are hurt but such a situation needs to be dealt with with maturity… as an example, just shouting out at the other person because you are not in a condition to accept the apology is unacceptable and will surely worsen the situation.
So you shouldn’t shout if that’s how you feel and just meekly accept it NANI? No way! Shouting is still communicate and I’m not taking an apology that’s inadequate just to make them feel better! I had an ex that would say “I’m sorry you’re hurt” and call that his apology because it had the word sorry in it. You know what? That was an observation, not an apology.
My mother taught me to keep the peace no matter what and that as long as someone said sorry that should be it over with. I am now in the unenviable position where I fall over myself to apologize even when it’s not my fault to just stop arguments. I get hurt and yet I apologize for being sensitive instead of being straight and saying you hurt me. It’s so stupid and weak.
Hey Pearl, at least you got to open your mouth! Least said, soonest mended mine would say. That’s a polite version of shut up if a fight’s brewing. Try growing up with that! Icy silences are better than talking it out: yeah right.
So much ill feeling was swept under the carpet that we needed a stepladder to walk on it LOL. ;)
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