Healing From the Loss of Your Mother
April 16th, 2009 |
By Joan Elyse Schiff MA, LMHC OTR/L
Click here to contact Joan and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
In P. D. Eastman’s children’s book entitled, Are You My Mother?, we are told the story of a baby bird who falls out of his nest while his mother is off hunting. The first thing he does upon falling to earth is to go to search for his mother. The baby bird imagines he sees his Mom everywhere; in a dog, a cow, a cat, etc. At one point during his journey, rather dismayed, he stands his ground and states, “I have a mother. I know I do. I will find her. I will. I will.” The baby bird with no other option in sight is swept up by a “Snort” (a dump truck) and returned to his nest just in time to be gracefully reunited with his mother.
The women I have seen in Motherless Daughters Therapy over the last fourteen years are not this fortunate. They do not live in a story book world where everything is magically made whole. Some have mothers who are/were emotionally absent or even damaging. Others have mothers whose lives were cut short and died during critical developmental times of their daughter’s lives. Like the bird in P.D. Eastman’s story, the women try desperately to find a replacement; “looking for love in all the wrong places,” as the old song goes. By the time they pick up the phone and make the first contact to see me they’ve realized their attempts to seek solace on their own have failed. While they have made valiant attempts to mother themselves, construct their own lives, and become stringently independent; motherless women feel a chronic sense of longing, of something not being quite right.
Upon entering into individual therapy or groups, these motherless women take the first courageous step to allow others into their world and care for them. This arduous yet productive journey is not without pitfalls. Many tears can be shed recalling events and memorable moments; all the while missing Mom. The women still hold out hope that one day their Mom will walk through the door, answer the phone, or visit them in a dream. Other times they search for signs and signals that their mothers are watching over them. The women may experience a sense of shame accompanying being motherless. Motherless daughters are not like their peers in so many ways. They can be wise beyond their years yet imagine they are inadequate at being a woman or even feel childlike. Quite a bit of time is spent on identifying as a motherless woman, thereby decreasing the sense of alienation. They discover that other motherless daughters are willing to lend a helping hand and share a piece of their hearts.
During the initial phases of therapy the woman and I envision mourning and grief as an ongoing upwardly spiraling process. If necessary, we revisit significant points of departure including: funerals, long periods of caretaking for ill mother, and episodes of neglect and intrusion by other family members. Upon telling their stories the women experience a lightening of their loads. In the safe atmosphere of the therapy room talking about death, loss, and the fear of a foreshortened life like their Moms’ is not taboo. Frequently, the loss of their mothers was just the beginning of a series of traumatic events and disruptions in their lives. With a remaining parent ill equip to handle their own grief the motherless daughter is left on her own to “figure” out life. Episodes of self destructive behavior, engaging in abusive relationships, and difficulty functioning are not unusual for motherless women. As the women share their struggles they no longer perceive their behavior as “crazy” but as coping mechanisms to protect themselves and make sense of their unpredictable worlds. They learn others have gone through similar experiences.
The next step involves an elaborate history taking, assessment, and education. The women learn about the mothering process and begin to develop a framework for understanding how the lack of nurturance and guidance impacted their lives. The gathering of history surrounding who their mothers were/are including: her likes and dislikes, view of the world, life roles and more, becomes the jump-off point for the women to determine for themselves the kind of woman they would like to become and to some extent already are. Motherless daughters are sometimes surprised to find out that their mothers were neither good nor bad. In many cases, the women realize that their Moms did not have adequate mothering themselves. They weave together the chosen and the not chosen, the hurts and joys of their lives and arrive at an integrated picture of their mothers. Hence, as the motherless daughter begins to accept her Mom as a woman with her own struggles, they are able to let go of unrealistic expectations of themselves. They begin to feel compassion towards their Moms and towards themselves. Anger over their Mom’s death or not having a present, caring mother lessens.
During the concluding phases of therapy I help the women develop an elaborate program of self care. This entails incorporating flexible boundaries, diminishing self defeating behavior, and rebuking negative self talk. They learn to nurture and comfort themselves; living their lives from their core values and beliefs. Fear of appearing and acting needy wanes while they gain confidence in their ability to trust their own judgment. It becomes okay to have needs and wants, to invite people into their lives, and make commitments. As the women instill a healthy self concept they feel more hopeful about developing a life and legacy of their own choosing.
It has been my privilege over the last fourteen years to be part to these women’s lives. They have rewarded me greatly. I’ve received pictures of their newborn babies, pieces of poetry, thank-you notes, and updates on their lives. It’s been one of those learning together, rare mutual endeavors.
©Copyright 2009 by Joan Elyse Schiff MA, LMHC OTR/L All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Elyse and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
16 comments so far
My mother Dottie died from Alzheimer’s disease and I have to tell you that the years I saw her going downhill were some of the hardest in my life. If you have never experienced this personally you will never know the loss you will feel to walk in a room with the woman who raised you and have her not know you from Adam. This was traumatic for me as we were always so close. IN truth it was a blessing when she did pass away because I knew that no longer was she suffering but it gave me the ok to try to heal myself. I just have to think back and appreciate all of the wonderful memories I have of her before this disease ravaged her body and I am more thankful for those than you could ever know.
It really takes a toll on the development of the young female when she loses her mother at a very early age. I did and my father was almost helpless as to knowing the right things to say and do at certain periods of my life. He did the best that he could but nothing can take the place of a loving and caring mother in the heart of a young girl. There are just things that should be experienced by moms and daughters that cannot be replaced by any other friend or family member. Even though I have very few memories of my mom those are the ones I treasure the most in the world and even as an adult I suffer from the pain of what I know I missed out on growing up motherless.
In my own experience I have discovered there is no real healing from this loss, only acceptance and resolve to move forward.
Dear Motherless Daughters,
I want to thank those of you who have already written a response and those to follow. I am glad to see this article and blog is providing an arena and opening for you to commuicate and share your experiences. I hope this will continue. I would like to leave the blogging to you and for you, and have it be your space.
If you would like to speak with me directly please contact me via Email from this site.
Warm regards,
Joan Elyse Schiff
Makes me even more thankful than ever that my mom is still around.
These losses must be even more difficult to face with Mother’s day just around the corner.
Joan, Thanks for your reference to this childrens’ story, which I remember reading to my daughter, when I was a single parent Dad, and my daughter had come to live with me, upon the insistence of her Mother. I recall that the story “opened the gate” to dialogue. Thanks for the memory. Gary
My mom is still around- thank goodness. She has seen me through good times and bad and there could be no one in your life to help you to do that better. I only hope that I am able to give that to my own daughter as she grows older.
My 3 nieces live with me. My sister committed suicide and my third niece is a toddler of 1+. She was in the same room as my sister when she died. I am worried if any deep emotional damage may have been done. The child shakes sometimes in jerky movements when she hears something loud or if she hears arguments. How do we seek counselling for a child so young.
Monica,
It is very hard to do therapy with a pre-verbal child. As she get a little older I can suggest contacting The Healing Center. They have a website They have therapists there who do play therapy with young children who lost a parent. Most likely over time as you’re neice becomes more secure in her new living environment she will display less of these behaviors. Please feel free to give me a call to talk more about options.
Regards,
Joan Schiff
Dear Motherless Daughters,
As you can see I responded to a specific request regarding counseling. If you have such questions I will respond with resources and please don’t hesitate to call me206. 523-5028 or email me at jestherapy@mindspring.com. with these questions.
Regards,
Joan Schiff
I am fortunate to still have my mother, but I did lose my dad when I was about 12 years old. I mourned and cried for weeks, I would go behind my grandmothers wood pile and sit and cry. I was scared to go to school, because I knew the kids knew or would know and talk. I wished so many times that I had a dad when i got older and got married and wished he was there to see his grandchild. It took me awhile to get over this and when I would get into an argument with my husband many years ago, I would think of my dad and wished he was here. It did take time and luckily I have gotten past that emotional time of my life.
I am curious Nelly how you got over it. These kind of things surface sometimes even after a decade. Sometimes we dont let go as they say emotional suffering is sweet torture.
I lost my mother two weeks ago. The pain is almost unbearable at times. I am not a child…. but a 57 year old woman. My Dottie was my rock and at 91 years old was going strong until the last three months of her life. The emptiness I am feeling is tremendous. I cannot even wash a couple of her sweaters….I thank God every night that she is free from pain but I am sure mine will continue for a long time
I lost my mother last summer. She was an incredibly young 71 years old. My Mom wasn’t sick. She was just taking a morning drive with my nephew to see the rafters go into the rapids at a nearby river. She didn’t see the SUV and she was taken within 2 minutes of being hit. Some days I feel like my pain is finally starting to subside, but most of the time I just feel stuck. My husband and kids don’t know the pain I feel because I hide it so well. I do thank God every day that I had such an amazing relationship with my mother. I do feel her presence at times, but I still feel stuck… I just found this blog and in some small way it’s a help… Thank You.
I lost my beloved mother last march 2009. She died of cancer. She was only 49 years old. When she died i felt my world stopped. I cant believe i lost my mom. I never felt this intense pain I couldnt imagine the time would come i will no longer see her smile, hear her laugh, feel her warm embrace. The pain is too much for me to handle. I love my mom so much and she has been there for me every step of the way and all of a sudden she’s gone. People would tell me i will get through this I ask myself when will that time come? I always pray I will be able to accept and move on with my life. When i dream of my mom or even see her photo i would break down and cry. I miss her so much. I love you so much mommy.