Growing Tenderheartedness

October 3rd, 2011
By Susanne M. Dillmann, Psy.D., Post Traumatic Stress / Trauma Topic Expert Contributor

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This article is the third in a series of articles looking at the concept and development of self-compassion (the definition of compassion being used is: a recognition of pain/distress coupled with a tenderheartedness towards the distress and a tendency to pull alongside the suffering with a proclivity to alleviate it). The first article looked at the concept of compassion as a whole while the second explored how to grow compassion by recognizing your human and personal limits. This article will look at having tenderheartedness towards your distress.

The type of tenderheartedness that is integral to compassion is more than a soft emotion; it is a relational stance. Because you live yourself day in and day out, it is easy to forget that you also have a relationship with yourself, but – to state it simply – you do. All too often we ignore this relationship or engage in an almost bully-like manner with ourselves. For example, many survivors of trauma will repeat the words an abusive individual once hurled at them, and in turn will develop an abusive relationship with themselves. Self-compassion stands in opposition to this and offers a gentler way to interact with yourself.

As noted, tenderheartedness describes the relational stance you have towards the parts of you that are in distress. Rather than judging yourself as being insufficient, weak, inferior, etc. for having this distress, tenderheartedness enables you to experience the distress as it is, not as you are judging it to be. This ability to experience your distress is rooted in the fact that tenderheartedness entails openness to the distress. This openness allows you to be impacted by the distress, which in turn sets you up to pull alongside and eventually alleviate it. In addition to this openness, tenderheartedness entails a gentle assessment of the distress. Tenderheartedness does not allow for an over- nor an underestimation of the distress; rather it pulls for an accurate recognition of the type and depth of pain you are experiencing.

Understanding tenderheartedness is easiest to do experientially, so let’s look at some examples of this. At a conference I once attended, psychologist Sylvia Boorstein was one of the presenters and gave a wonderful demonstration of how to do this. She was sharing a story of being overwhelmed, and upon recognizing this emotional distress stated to herself, in a genuinely gentle tone of voice: “Sweetheart – you are stressed out.” This simple statement captures the essence of tenderheartedness because the distress, as it is, is gently acknowledged without minimizing it, invalidating it or morphing it into larger distress. Tenderheartedness does not require grand statements or big words, simply a gentle statement that acknowledges the source of the distress be it: disappointment, feelings of rejection, hurt, exhaustion, loneliness, etc.

A common mistake is the expectation that a tenderhearted recognition of your distress will result in you feeling peaceful, positive, loved or nice. The fact is you will feel your distress, which by definition is not a pleasant feeling; but the benefit of having such a relational stance towards your pain is that it enables you to acknowledge, feel as well as hold your pain, and this in turn enables you to take appropriate actions thus buffering you from suffering.

If you desire, it may prove interesting to notice the relational stance you tend to take towards your distress. Do you give yourself a pep talk to toughen up? Do you belittle the hurt that you are experiencing? Do you feel as if you will dissolve in the distress and couldn’t possible cope with it? Do you move into a different emotion – such as anger, sarcasm or resentment? And if you have it in you, feel free to play around with extending a tenderhearted stance towards your distress. You can follow the example of Sylvia Boorstein, or you can replace “sweetheart” with your own term of endearment or even create your own statement that captures what you see as the essence of tenderheartedness. Either way, know you can always reach out to a trained professional for some tenderheartedness, and more importantly, extend gentleness to yourself as you continue to heal and grow.

Related articles:
Self-Compassion after Trauma
Growing Self-Compassion by Recognizing Your Limits
The Unexpected Gifts of Trauma

©Copyright 2011 by Susanne M. Dillmann, PsyD, therapist in Escondido, CA. All Rights Reserved.

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