Going to Bed Angry: Another View
September 22nd, 2008 |
By Jennine Estes, MFT Intern
Click here to contact Jennine and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Many people have heard of the advice to never go to bed angry. This relationship advice has such a great value. It addresses the idea of how couples may feel if going to bed angry, such as feeling emotionally disconnected and unattached, or fear of having unresolved issues getting in the way. This advice is absolutely a great and valuable tool for staying connected and securely attached to your partner. Think about it…going to bed angry in the relationship can create a terrible feeling; it can keep people up all night, have terrible sleep, or many other painful experiences. For many couples, this advice is perfect for their relationship. Obviously, I am a therapist and I truly believe in resolving any and all conflicts, but this doesn’t work for everyone.
Couples faced with relationship conflict often attempt to resolve the issue to the best that they can. When in conflict, couples try to resolve the issue through continuous fighting, arguing, and then resulting into a more damaged relationship. Damaging a relationship is far more dangerous than going to bed angry.
The bigger issue is for those who keep trying to resolve an issue, and it keeps getting worse, escalating, and turning into a big disaster. Going to bed without the issue resolved might actually protect the relationship. Many people don’t see it this way, nor does it feel like that from the person on the receiving end. On the receiving end it might feel as if your partner doesn’t care, as if they give up on the relationship. But as a matter of fact, this might be a wise thing to do. It can protect the relationship from getting out of hand. If you have seen your relationship escalate in times of disagreement, then maybe taking a break, falling asleep, and addressing the issue when you are less emotionally reactive might actually benefit your relationship.
Remember, sometimes going to bed angry really isn’t that bad.
©Copyright 2008 by Jennine Estes, MFT Intern. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jennine and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
12 comments so far
I whole heartedly agree that sometimes couples will be better off going to bed angry – in fact, this is a myth.
I think it’s important for couples to know that conflicts are bound to happen. The good news is that there are skills that can be learned to deal with them. Couples who handle conflicts well, fare much better – are even more connected.
This felt like someone just watched us fight and wrote a report. My husband always tells me to leave it and not go on talking about the issue. I always tell him that I am going to resolve the difference by talking. I guess our relationship went through terrible times in the first 3 years of marriage but is on a little firmer ground now. We are getting a little better at making up before we go to bed but we’ve got a long way to go!! Didnt realise that being active in a relationship doesnt have toinvolve being emotionally reactive.
Well I have gone to bed angry at my husband more times than I can remember but for us sometimes a good night’s sleep is what actually allows us to resolve things a little more peacefully the next day. It may not work for everyone but for us this advice has kept us married for 26 years so i think we will stick with it!
hahaha so great in theory but my wife will just never let things go until the next day. If we did not hash everything out by the time bedtime rolls around she would just lay there and positively stew all night long! No for us this just will not work at all. We are just the kind of couple who has to get things out in the open (hey I have been married to her for a while- it has started to rub off on me) and I feel that if I took that anger with me to bed then it would still be there the next day and perhaps have even grown. I think it is better to start each day anew and the best way we have found to make that happen is to simply follow the proverbial rule to never go to bed angry.
I pop a pill everyday. We’ve had a bad marriage and things aren’t getting better. I dont know whether we are beyond the stage of trying to resolve our differences. I was angry for the first few years and that grew to disappointment. Now the distance is so much that we sleep in separate bedrooms. Where do I start??
Great advice!!!!! i’mm about to tie the knot. we live together and there was a time i thought my man was two timing me and i found out from a friend that he was just avoiding me as i would take yesterday’s argument with me to bed and go around the whole week with it and im learning to change all that but this was a reminder to get my act before d-day!!
I agree with the article though- there are times when things are better left unsaid until you can say things in a calm and rational manner that will not hurt your partner. Too often we speak before thinking and there just ends up being a whole world of unnecessary hurt.
Going to bed angry only leads to a worse day the next. get things out and in the open!
You are right Carley. I cannot stand to go to bed with unresolved issues on my mind and in my experience I have never woken up the next day without feeling angry all over again. I think it best not to let things ever stew for too long before getting them out and dealing with them. I think that many people will assume that if they just let things go while they sleep then the issues will just magically disappear overnight. Not true! I think they grow and fester- much better just to talk or at least start the hashing out process the sooner the better.
But don’t you think that this could allow some couples the cooling off time that they need so that an argument can be resolved in a much more adult like manner rather than the screaming that often comes in the heat of the moment?
My parents always went to bed angry and then one day my mom up and left and never came back. How is that for some cooling off time? I am a firm believer that it is never a good idea to go to bed angry. You do not have to reslove all of the issues but be a big enough person to apologize, accept an apology and then promise to work it all out the next day. But at least get a few things out in the open before you have to suffer and stew about it all night long!
I hate to go to bed angry. There is absolutely no sleep for me when I go to bed with unresolved issues. I do not know how other people do it. I have always been the kind of person who has to just get things out in the open in order to be able to function. I feel that loose ends just interfere with my strategy for healthy living. Does not work for me.