Comments on: Freeing the Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/ Exploring Healthy Psychotherapy Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:06:51 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Donna http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55318 Donna Fri, 10 Feb 2012 00:28:35 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55318 Lori, I'm sorry you lost your brother. I don't believe you were being selfish. I believe you were protecting yourself and your 12 year old daughter from the effects of being around addictive behaviors. Not that losing one person is any better than another, but... you could be writing about losing your daughter if she'd accidentally been around during a "cooking" explosion- which happens frequently around meth. It's sad when the person who needs the help doesn't go look for it. We can only do so much for them. Again, I'm sorry for your loss. You made the right decision for your life, unfortunately, he didn't for his. Lori,
I’m sorry you lost your brother. I don’t believe you were being selfish. I believe you were protecting yourself and your 12 year old daughter from the effects of being around addictive behaviors. Not that losing one person is any better than another, but… you could be writing about losing your daughter if she’d accidentally been around during a “cooking” explosion- which happens frequently around meth. It’s sad when the person who needs the help doesn’t go look for it. We can only do so much for them. Again, I’m sorry for your loss. You made the right decision for your life, unfortunately, he didn’t for his.

]]> By: Lori Sisson http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55203 Lori Sisson Sun, 05 Feb 2012 05:37:52 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55203 I have to be honest and say that I did not read all of your posts; so please forgive me if I step on any toes or repeat any advice. What I want to to say,and it came to me after reading the "hit" on Google, while searching for something completely different, but I feel I need to tell you something very important. MY 53 yr old brother, Rick committed suicide on October 16th, 2011. When "victims services" showed up at my door that ugly morning, all I could say was, (please excuse this, but it was the strongest, ugly thing that came to mind)...F__ck! I knew without a word what was to come next. they drove me to my mother's where my family had gathered. Quite a disfunctional family I might add. All of us, silent, contemplating, ridden with guilt, sad, pissed off, confused, and dreading the upcoming days of not only spending time together, but sorting, and talking, and pushing away any quilt that..."Did I cause this", was the last phone call, (that I didn't answer), his final cry for help. My brother had lived with me prior to this but I had what I thought at the time, carried out tough love by asking him to leave. (I found things laying around the house that lead me to believe he was "cooking". (illegally), I have a 12 year old daughter living with me still, no husband. All my beuatiful children love Uncle Rick- his free spirit, his fun- his willingness to teach, to spend time with mine and his own beautiful girls. But it had been many, many, many years of ups and downs. Rick had in the course of 2 weeks, years ago...lost his home, his family business (in-laws) where my brother worked as a renowned chef and amazing restaurant owner; and his wife of 20 years left him for a man probably 20 years younger. As you can imagine, this was a major blow. It was his wife's family business, and Rick, his wife and their children were living in the old family home that my brother had lovingly restored with his own creative hands, He was in a place that was almost perfect. That was about 20 years ago, and he never recovered. Oh, he also held a management position in a large newspaper, that decided to downsize management, and in one day, without warning 5 managers were asked for their keys and walked out. (literaly). This was in the same 2 weeks. No joke! So...this gave Rick time to spend with his girls, going to their school events, teaching them cooking, woodworking, the lost art of pioneer living, which my brother adored. He spent time in the forest with the girls, and took advantage of the time with them. Unfortunately, life set in and bills began to come in, Child support was demanded and with 3 children and no job...the back support began to stack up. Some of you may know how this snowballs and you never seem to catch up. rick began to make poor choices and got into drugs and alcohol. (a trait common and widespread in my disfunctional family) (the alcohol part)...From there, he lost all his self esteem. He was devistated, found some letters from his ex wife, and found that she had been having a long time affair. To get ot the ending of this story. We all tried to help, My parents...not so much...they were too disfunctional and only criticized Rick for his life, and gave only with condition. Their way of Tough Love. I have never stopped feeling guilty for not picking up that phone and answering it, but quite honestly...I was having problems of my own,at that moment and just couldn't deal with anymore sadness. That day!!!!!!! i could have and would have gotten over it. I know it's not my fault, and I know that Ricky is in a much better place...I find comfort in that. I know he is not beating his head on the wall everyday, trying to get out of this blizzard that started with a simple snowball. My only thing that I wonder if I could have done was tried harder to get him into some sort of LONG TIME program that he could live, and regain that which he had lost. He may have taken money (which I didn't have), and it may have taken Rick further away from me....But now...I would do anything to have Ricky here with me right now, even if it's just to say...You are pissing me off, but I love you! So...I know it's hard for you all and you wanna stop giving, stop enabling, avoid possibly (like I did), stop being there everytime He/She needs you. And that is so normal. It's hard! But not only are there support groups for our loved ones going through this but their are groups for us who are against a brick wall with no answers anymore. PLEASE...find one. go to your church and don't be ashamed to ask for help, resources are readily available, I know their is a ministry called forgotten man ministries and another couple prominent ministries that deal with getting these people off the streets and will actually keep them in their community, living with them, all biblically based, and encouraging. Although it is a bit of tough love at first cause addiction, withdrawls, will occur, but in the end....You won't have "Victim Services" at your door, and you won't be handed a "suicide letter". Instead you will receive a letter of gratitude and love for NOT GIVING UP! GIVE GOD YOUR BURDEN AND HE WILL BRING SOMEBODY TO YOUR DOOR STEP SHOWING THE WAY. I will go to my grave feeling like I should have acted on this myself, but I was being too selfish in my own little problematic, busy, chaotic, jumbled, world. But If Ricky was here and well...He would be the first one to step up to the plate and help me! I love you all for the simple fact I empathize and want to enfold all of you in my arms, lifting your burdens and promising you that God or whoever you give your spirit world to....Just do it. Make a call. Don't get a call! I have to be honest and say that I did not read all of your posts; so please forgive me if I step on any toes or repeat any advice. What I want to to say,and it came to me after reading the “hit” on Google, while searching for something completely different, but I feel I need to tell you something very important. MY 53 yr old brother, Rick committed suicide on October 16th, 2011. When “victims services” showed up at my door that ugly morning, all I could say was, (please excuse this, but it was the strongest, ugly thing that came to mind)…F__ck! I knew without a word what was to come next. they drove me to my mother’s where my family had gathered. Quite a disfunctional family I might add. All of us, silent, contemplating, ridden with guilt, sad, pissed off, confused, and dreading the upcoming days of not only spending time together, but sorting, and talking, and pushing away any quilt that…”Did I cause this”, was the last phone call, (that I didn’t answer), his final cry for help. My brother had lived with me prior to this but I had what I thought at the time, carried out tough love by asking him to leave. (I found things laying around the house that lead me to believe he was “cooking”. (illegally), I have a 12 year old daughter living with me still, no husband. All my beuatiful children love Uncle Rick- his free spirit, his fun- his willingness to teach, to spend time with mine and his own beautiful girls. But it had been many, many, many years of ups and downs. Rick had in the course of 2 weeks, years ago…lost his home, his family business (in-laws) where my brother worked as a renowned chef and amazing restaurant owner; and his wife of 20 years left him for a man probably 20 years younger. As you can imagine, this was a major blow. It was his wife’s family business, and Rick, his wife and their children were living in the old family home that my brother had lovingly restored with his own creative hands, He was in a place that was almost perfect. That was about 20 years ago, and he never recovered. Oh, he also held a management position in a large newspaper, that decided to downsize management, and in one day, without warning 5 managers were asked for their keys and walked out. (literaly). This was in the same 2 weeks. No joke! So…this gave Rick time to spend with his girls, going to their school events, teaching them cooking, woodworking, the lost art of pioneer living, which my brother adored. He spent time in the forest with the girls, and took advantage of the time with them. Unfortunately, life set in and bills began to come in, Child support was demanded and with 3 children and no job…the back support began to stack up. Some of you may know how this snowballs and you never seem to catch up. rick began to make poor choices and got into drugs and alcohol. (a trait common and widespread in my disfunctional family) (the alcohol part)…From there, he lost all his self esteem. He was devistated, found some letters from his ex wife, and found that she had been having a long time affair. To get ot the ending of this story. We all tried to help, My parents…not so much…they were too disfunctional and only criticized Rick for his life, and gave only with condition. Their way of Tough Love. I have never stopped feeling guilty for not picking up that phone and answering it, but quite honestly…I was having problems of my own,at that moment and just couldn’t deal with anymore sadness. That day!!!!!!! i could have and would have gotten over it. I know it’s not my fault, and I know that Ricky is in a much better place…I find comfort in that. I know he is not beating his head on the wall everyday, trying to get out of this blizzard that started with a simple snowball. My only thing that I wonder if I could have done was tried harder to get him into some sort of LONG TIME program that he could live, and regain that which he had lost. He may have taken money (which I didn’t have), and it may have taken Rick further away from me….But now…I would do anything to have Ricky here with me right now, even if it’s just to say…You are pissing me off, but I love you! So…I know it’s hard for you all and you wanna stop giving, stop enabling, avoid possibly (like I did), stop being there everytime He/She needs you. And that is so normal. It’s hard! But not only are there support groups for our loved ones going through this but their are groups for us who are against a brick wall with no answers anymore. PLEASE…find one. go to your church and don’t be ashamed to ask for help, resources are readily available, I know their is a ministry called forgotten man ministries and another couple prominent ministries that deal with getting these people off the streets and will actually keep them in their community, living with them, all biblically based, and encouraging. Although it is a bit of tough love at first cause addiction, withdrawls, will occur, but in the end….You won’t have “Victim Services” at your door, and you won’t be handed a “suicide letter”. Instead you will receive a letter of gratitude and love for NOT GIVING UP! GIVE GOD YOUR BURDEN AND HE WILL BRING SOMEBODY TO YOUR DOOR STEP SHOWING THE WAY. I will go to my grave feeling like I should have acted on this myself, but I was being too selfish in my own little problematic, busy, chaotic, jumbled, world. But If Ricky was here and well…He would be the first one to step up to the plate and help me! I love you all for the simple fact I empathize and want to enfold all of you in my arms, lifting your burdens and promising you that God or whoever you give your spirit world to….Just do it. Make a call. Don’t get a call!

]]> By: Maggie http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55179 Maggie Sat, 04 Feb 2012 07:32:11 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55179 Oh boy, I share all your pain. I am in the same boat with all of you. My daughter was born premature. She has horrible aniexty and depression most of her life even as a little girl. She cried and had stomach aches everyday when she had to go to school. Always complaining of not feeling well. In her Senior year the counselor called and said she talked with my daughter and my daughter saw no point or happiness in life. If I knew how to make my daughter care I would do it in a heartbeat. She is now 28 living with us. She had started pain pills 5 years ago. Then she got in to meth. She has been arrested 2 times. She has stopped the meth but continues the pills. She just stole some from her Father he just got for prostrate cancer surgery. He has had it with her. He is so angry. We are both tired of it. I feel like a hostage as many of us do as I have a niece die from a drug overdose and I have watched what that has done to my sister let alone my whole family. Sometimes I hate life. It seems so hard. I know I should kick my daughter out but I am sooo very scared she will go back to meth or just plain give up. I lost my Dad at the age of 6 and my Mother at the age of 28. I just feel I could never deal with my daughter although like my Husband says she is dying a slow death with the pain pills anyways. She has no insurance and we just do not have the money for any kind of help especially with my Husband just having cancer. I feel hopeless. Oh boy, I share all your pain. I am in the same boat with all of you. My daughter was born premature. She has horrible aniexty and depression most of her life even as a little girl. She cried and had stomach aches everyday when she had to go to school. Always complaining of not feeling well. In her Senior year the counselor called and said she talked with my daughter and my daughter saw no point or happiness in life. If I knew how to make my daughter care I would do it in a heartbeat. She is now 28 living with us. She had started pain pills 5 years ago. Then she got in to meth. She has been arrested 2 times. She has stopped the meth but continues the pills. She just stole some from her Father he just got for prostrate cancer surgery. He has had it with her. He is so angry. We are both tired of it. I feel like a hostage as many of us do as I have a niece die from a drug overdose and I have watched what that has done to my sister let alone my whole family. Sometimes I hate life. It seems so hard. I know I should kick my daughter out but I am sooo very scared she will go back to meth or just plain give up. I lost my Dad at the age of 6 and my Mother at the age of 28. I just feel I could never deal with my daughter although like my Husband says she is dying a slow death with the pain pills anyways.
She has no insurance and we just do not have the money for any kind of help especially with my Husband just having cancer. I feel hopeless.

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55131 Tanya Fri, 03 Feb 2012 03:35:02 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55131 Where do you turn to for help? I've tried Alanon, but never felt comfortable enough to continue for long. I'm kind of shy and even though I asked about sponsors, I never got anywhere with that. It didn't take much to get discouraged and quit going. My son has 7 misdemeanors for 3 DUI's, 1 criminal trespassing, 2 possession of marijuana and 1 for drug paraphernalia. He also has a felony conviction for drug possession. He's only 32 yrs old, so that's 8 convictions since he turned 19 (in a 13-yr period). He can't hold a job even if he can get a job! I can see where an employer might overlook one conviction, but 8?? They're all related to drugs & alcohol, so there's no violence, but how could an employer ever trust him? He's ruining his chances and opportunities for a decent future. Still trying to find a sober house so he can move out of our place. Jeannie, I agree with CMG. Try calling CPS and see if they will help your granddaughter. I know this puts you in a tough spot, but she's so young and this is not fair to her. I hope you can get some resolution and feel better about her circumstances. Where do you turn to for help? I’ve tried Alanon, but never felt comfortable enough to continue for long. I’m kind of shy and even though I asked about sponsors, I never got anywhere with that. It didn’t take much to get discouraged and quit going. My son has 7 misdemeanors for 3 DUI’s, 1 criminal trespassing, 2 possession of marijuana and 1 for drug paraphernalia. He also has a felony conviction for drug possession. He’s only 32 yrs old, so that’s 8 convictions since he turned 19 (in a 13-yr period). He can’t hold a job even if he can get a job! I can see where an employer might overlook one conviction, but 8?? They’re all related to drugs & alcohol, so there’s no violence, but how could an employer ever trust him? He’s ruining his chances and opportunities for a decent future. Still trying to find a sober house so he can move out of our place.

Jeannie, I agree with CMG. Try calling CPS and see if they will help your granddaughter. I know this puts you in a tough spot, but she’s so young and this is not fair to her. I hope you can get some resolution and feel better about her circumstances.

]]> By: CMG http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55120 CMG Thu, 02 Feb 2012 22:04:59 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55120 Jeannie, Can you afford legal help? Maybe you should call protective services - they will take your grand-daughter and she will be safe and then the family can step forward and secure custody - then I would imagine be able to petition the court for full custody. I am SO sorry for your heartache. Reach out to the authorities there has to be help for your grand-daughter! Jeannie,

Can you afford legal help? Maybe you should call protective services – they will take your grand-daughter and she will be safe and then the family can step forward and secure custody – then I would imagine be able to petition the court for full custody.

I am SO sorry for your heartache. Reach out to the authorities there has to be help for your grand-daughter!

]]> By: Jeannie http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55094 Jeannie Wed, 01 Feb 2012 23:29:55 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55094 My 39 year old son is an addict. He left his 2 year old daughter with his aunt for 3 months so he could get his life straight. Instead he became homeless and took his daughter back so he could get "family shelter) How could he rip her from people who love her and she was finally stable and secure. Mercy House has put them in a hotel for a month. He is using her...she wasn't the one homeless. He claims he wants to be a Dad...he has 3 older sons that want nothing to do with him. I took to the motel some clothes and food my granddaughter. She was SO happy to see me. I am so scared for my Brianna but legally there is nothing we can do at this point. Son will do drugs again, sleep all day and Brianna will be left to roam the motel room..that is dangerous. I've cut son off of money but soon he'll ask and what can I say when he has Brianna?? He'd probably cut me out of her life!! I'm scared for her. She was finally so happy...how could someone use their own children!!!! My 39 year old son is an addict. He left his 2 year old daughter with his aunt for 3 months so he could get his life straight. Instead he became homeless and took his daughter back so he could get “family shelter) How could he rip her from people who love her and she was finally stable and secure. Mercy House has put them in a hotel for a month. He is using her…she wasn’t the one homeless. He claims he wants to be a Dad…he has 3 older sons that want nothing to do with him. I took to the motel some clothes and food my granddaughter. She was SO happy to see me. I am so scared for my Brianna but legally there is nothing we can do at this point. Son will do drugs again, sleep all day and Brianna will be left to roam the motel room..that is dangerous. I’ve cut son off of money but soon he’ll ask and what can I say when he has Brianna?? He’d probably cut me out of her life!! I’m scared for her. She was finally so happy…how could someone use their own children!!!!

]]> By: liz http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55052 liz Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:01:49 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55052 i have read alot of your storys and still don't know the answers my son has not been cruel or stolen from me and dose not have kids , thank god . but when you put in the mental illness that i truly can't be sure is just a result of excesive long term drinking ,but that was the start of the cutting, panic, and er trips that i have lost track of the number of times 60+ at least in the last 3years. i just know that if he drinks there is no chance of him making it. there are really no resources for someone like him that he nor his family have no money to help. think that the drugs that they are putting him on are making it worse. there is no way to find out because he dose not go a day with out a drama i.e. drinking or er or mental hospital. i cry at the loss of the awesome person that he was and that he still wants to be and can't fine the way to get back. he cries becouse he dose not know how to get back . god please let him find the way back i have read alot of your storys and still don’t know the answers my son has not been cruel or stolen from me and dose not have kids , thank god . but when you put in the mental illness that i truly can’t be sure is just a result of excesive long term drinking ,but that was the start of the cutting, panic, and er trips that i have lost track of the number of times 60+ at least in the last 3years. i just know that if he drinks there is no chance of him making it. there are really no resources for someone like him that he nor his family have no money to help. think that the drugs that they are putting him on are making it worse. there is no way to find out because he dose not go a day with out a drama i.e. drinking or er or mental hospital.
i cry at the loss of the awesome person that he was and that he still wants to be and can’t fine the way to get back. he cries becouse he dose not know how to get back .
god please let him find the way back

]]> By: CMG http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55047 CMG Tue, 31 Jan 2012 16:41:03 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55047 It is heartbreaking to hear these stories. And mine is so similar. I too search for answers for how to deal with this heartache I have over my son. I too am torn. If this were a 'bonafide disease' like cancer, diabetes, etc., it would be so much easier. But I don't think that people with those diseases lie, steal, blame their families and on and on. Like most of you, we have addiction on both sides of the family. Like most of you, I never thought my son would succumb to this. Over the past two year of dealing with finding out about his heroin addiction, my son has said such horrible things to me my heart just cannot take anymore. I myself have gone through over a year of family counseling to try to 'understand' but I feel the NA/AA 'model' is broken on so many levels. His father and his 1/2 sister have mostly written him off, yet I charge on like some half-mad general in the proverbial Custer's Last Stand scenario, hoping somehow, someway I can help him, fix him, save him. I know it's desperation and a fool's folly, but my mother's heart won't let it go... I call this journey the Roller Coaster, because, over the past 5 months, my son had seemed to turn the corner, he had been on probation for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and decided (like many of these other kids) - the rules did no apply to him - he stopped seeing his PO. At that time he was living with his dad who basically had had it with him. He moved in with me and my husband. back in August, and turned himself in - was put back on probation....seemed to be doing well. Then, around the holidays, two of his friends (one of them very close to him), died from drug overdoses....and suddenly, he was out of control. I reached out to him being compassionate and he was nasty, abusive, full of resentment - telling me he hated me - telling me how he was angry for the divorce, for how I got along better with him than his sister (this is true) and on and on... The next thing I know - he lied to his girl friend (who is an absolute doll and one of the bright spots in his life), and she broke up with him. Now, he is living in his car. It is winter in Ohio... Two days ago, he said he'd be willing to get help...and his girlfriend agreed to allow him to stay with her as long as he agreed he'd get help. The thing is he is only staying with her when she is not working...or only sporadically. Meanwhile he is still in his car with everything he owns. Last night, I came home to find out that in all probability he came into our house (he knew the code to get into our garage - which we changed now) - and stole over $200.... My husband texted him and again with the emotional roller coaster of a phone call - telling me he never took the money - but he'd replace the money he did not take cause he's a bad person. I told him I did not want his money - I just want him to get help. We sent txts back and forth and his final one said he is done with everyone and everything and he just hopes he dies soon. I have no way as of this writing to know if he is alive or not. Until the next roller coaster ride/incident. I feel (as many of you do) held hostage. I feel like I am on a death watch and I cannot separate my emotion from my logic (I don't even think I possess reason anymore). I don't know what to do - I know cutting him off is the thing TO do...I cannot afford a funeral, and I don't know if my heart can afford losing my son/my baby. I feel like a pariah, like I am the only one who does not 'get it' and I don't feel, short of having him locked up (either in jail or in rehab) that he is going to turn himself around...but of course (regardless of the tenants of AA/NA) he truly does have to want this for himself. I pray all of you find peace and solace somehow through this cyclone we all seem to be going through. I pray your loved ones find health and healing. Keep talking and don't turn inwards on yourselves...go get counseling to help you cope and to get access to a support group. I know it's where I am heading today or tomorrow. It is heartbreaking to hear these stories. And mine is so similar. I too search for answers for how to deal with this heartache I have over my son. I too am torn. If this were a ‘bonafide disease’ like cancer, diabetes, etc., it would be so much easier. But I don’t think that people with those diseases lie, steal, blame their families and on and on. Like most of you, we have addiction on both sides of the family. Like most of you, I never thought my son would succumb to this.

Over the past two year of dealing with finding out about his heroin addiction, my son has said such horrible things to me my heart just cannot take anymore. I myself have gone through over a year of family counseling to try to ‘understand’ but I feel the NA/AA ‘model’ is broken on so many levels. His father and his 1/2 sister have mostly written him off, yet I charge on like some half-mad general in the proverbial Custer’s Last Stand scenario, hoping somehow, someway I can help him, fix him, save him. I know it’s desperation and a fool’s folly, but my mother’s heart won’t let it go…

I call this journey the Roller Coaster, because, over the past 5 months, my son had seemed to turn the corner, he had been on probation for being in the wrong place at the wrong time and decided (like many of these other kids) – the rules did no apply to him – he stopped seeing his PO. At that time he was living with his dad who basically had had it with him. He moved in with me and my husband. back in August, and turned himself in – was put back on probation….seemed to be doing well. Then, around the holidays, two of his friends (one of them very close to him), died from drug overdoses….and suddenly, he was out of control. I reached out to him being compassionate and he was nasty, abusive, full of resentment – telling me he hated me – telling me how he was angry for the divorce, for how I got along better with him than his sister (this is true) and on and on…

The next thing I know – he lied to his girl friend (who is an absolute doll and one of the bright spots in his life), and she broke up with him. Now, he is living in his car. It is winter in Ohio…

Two days ago, he said he’d be willing to get help…and his girlfriend agreed to allow him to stay with her as long as he agreed he’d get help. The thing is he is only staying with her when she is not working…or only sporadically. Meanwhile he is still in his car with everything he owns.

Last night, I came home to find out that in all probability he came into our house (he knew the code to get into our garage – which we changed now) – and stole over $200….

My husband texted him and again with the emotional roller coaster of a phone call – telling me he never took the money – but he’d replace the money he did not take cause he’s a bad person. I told him I did not want his money – I just want him to get help. We sent txts back and forth and his final one said he is done with everyone and everything and he just hopes he dies soon. I have no way as of this writing to know if he is alive or not. Until the next roller coaster ride/incident.

I feel (as many of you do) held hostage. I feel like I am on a death watch and I cannot separate my emotion from my logic (I don’t even think I possess reason anymore). I don’t know what to do – I know cutting him off is the thing TO do…I cannot afford a funeral, and I don’t know if my heart can afford losing my son/my baby. I feel like a pariah, like I am the only one who does not ‘get it’ and I don’t feel, short of having him locked up (either in jail or in rehab) that he is going to turn himself around…but of course (regardless of the tenants of AA/NA) he truly does have to want this for himself.

I pray all of you find peace and solace somehow through this cyclone we all seem to be going through. I pray your loved ones find health and healing. Keep talking and don’t turn inwards on yourselves…go get counseling to help you cope and to get access to a support group. I know it’s where I am heading today or tomorrow.

]]> By: liz http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55032 liz Tue, 31 Jan 2012 01:03:06 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55032 continued from the post earler one. after jumping from my car he was taken to the er then to the mental hospital released the next day back at the er that eve back to the mental hospital released. he paid his rent i drooped off his things he says he is doing well. he shows up at my house this morning at 9am and has been drinking. i tell him to leave give him the # to the mental health clinic and a rehab to see if there are any beds. i get a call from the er saying that he was brought in because he was found laying on the sidewalk and he is being combat of. i love my son, probably tomuch but there is nothing that i have not done and there is nothing that has worked .... i don't know what will happen to him continued from the post earler one. after jumping from my car he was taken to the er then to the mental hospital released the next day back at the er that eve back to the mental hospital released. he paid his rent i drooped off his things he says he is doing well. he shows up at my house this morning at 9am and has been drinking. i tell him to leave give him the # to the mental health clinic and a rehab to see if there are any beds. i get a call from the er saying that he was brought in because he was found laying on the sidewalk and he is being combat of.
i love my son, probably tomuch but there is nothing that i have not done and there is nothing that has worked …. i don’t know what will happen to him

]]> By: liz http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55031 liz Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:28:29 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55031 i have been dealing with my sons alcohol addiction for years he is 24. we have been through very searious court trial that i and my mom paid 30thousand plus dollars. it was not because of the drinking but he had been drinking and is the commen thread in a long history. There has been jail on more than a few occasions, dui 2 times in a month, drug arrest. i have bailed him out and not bailed him out. ect. where i am now, he was beaten in a fight and was in icu for 7 days. after he stayed with me and could now walk well or speak well. when he got back out to a sober living house he started using. he has been in and out of the mental hospital (they keep letting him out or telling him to leave and drinking wile i have been paying his rent and taking him to the ER every few days becouse of panic attacks, cutting, anxiety, ect. this was happing before he got hurt but is worse now. so , i have to chose to let go. the hardest part is that i am not sure that he has the mental capacity to do it he can't seem to keep it together for even a day . the time before last that i was taking him to the hospital he jumped out of my car on the on ramp to the freeway. out of idias i have been dealing with my sons alcohol addiction for years he is 24. we have been through very searious court trial that i and my mom paid 30thousand plus dollars. it was not because of the drinking but he had been drinking and is the commen thread in a long history. There has been jail on more than a few occasions, dui 2 times in a month, drug arrest. i have bailed him out and not bailed him out. ect.
where i am now, he was beaten in a fight and was in icu for 7 days. after he stayed with me and could now walk well or speak well. when he got back out to a sober living house he started using. he has been in and out of the mental hospital (they keep letting him out or telling him to leave and drinking wile i have been paying his rent and taking him to the ER every few days becouse of panic attacks, cutting, anxiety, ect. this was happing before he got hurt but is worse now. so , i have to chose to let go. the hardest part is that i am not sure that he has the mental capacity to do it he can’t seem to keep it together for even a day . the time before last that i was taking him to the hospital he jumped out of my car on the on ramp to the freeway. out of idias

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55009 Tanya Sun, 29 Jan 2012 23:08:29 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-55009 Same story here; just different characters. I'm so sick of dealing with someone else's problems! When will my son take ownership and leave me out of his daily struggles? My husband (his stepdad) and I let him come to our place after he got out of jail in CA so he could take care of his legal issues here in TX. He slept till 9 or 10 every morning and postponed taking care of his problems here. He has a possession of marijuana charge here & missed his court date due to the fact he was in jail in CA for a 3rd DUI offense. He had to go to the jail here and turn himself in, which he finally did on Thursday. He has a court date here tomorrow & is hoping the judge will release him on time served in CA. He said if she doesn't, he will post bail. He only has about $600 to his name, but he's going to spend most of it to post bail because he said the jail is horrible here--nothing like Orange County where he was!!! I told him he will need to be prepared to go to a shelter if that happens because that money was supposed to help him get on his feet when he gets his legal issues resolved. He spent the other $500 on an attorney, so if he posts bond tomorrow, he will have spent almost $1100 on this legal issue, which still won't be resolved and now he won't have any money again. I can't make him make the right decisions--he won't listen to reason and that's why he's always in trouble. If just one time, he would say, "You might be right, Mom", I might feel like I'm getting through to him. He thinks it's okay to drive without insurance--somehow the laws don't apply to him. I guess I will have to follow through with the shelter threat since I don't think I should have to replace the funds he spent on his legal issues here. If I cave in, I'm right back to supporting him and I have promised myself NO MORE handouts. He has a drug felony on his record, but I know there are others out there who get jobs with a felony on their record. No more excuses. When is it time to live our lives??? Same story here; just different characters. I’m so sick of dealing with someone else’s problems! When will my son take ownership and leave me out of his daily struggles? My husband (his stepdad) and I let him come to our place after he got out of jail in CA so he could take care of his legal issues here in TX. He slept till 9 or 10 every morning and postponed taking care of his problems here. He has a possession of marijuana charge here & missed his court date due to the fact he was in jail in CA for a 3rd DUI offense. He had to go to the jail here and turn himself in, which he finally did on Thursday. He has a court date here tomorrow & is hoping the judge will release him on time served in CA. He said if she doesn’t, he will post bail. He only has about $600 to his name, but he’s going to spend most of it to post bail because he said the jail is horrible here–nothing like Orange County where he was!!! I told him he will need to be prepared to go to a shelter if that happens because that money was supposed to help him get on his feet when he gets his legal issues resolved. He spent the other $500 on an attorney, so if he posts bond tomorrow, he will have spent almost $1100 on this legal issue, which still won’t be resolved and now he won’t have any money again. I can’t make him make the right decisions–he won’t listen to reason and that’s why he’s always in trouble. If just one time, he would say, “You might be right, Mom”, I might feel like I’m getting through to him. He thinks it’s okay to drive without insurance–somehow the laws don’t apply to him. I guess I will have to follow through with the shelter threat since I don’t think I should have to replace the funds he spent on his legal issues here. If I cave in, I’m right back to supporting him and I have promised myself NO MORE handouts. He has a drug felony on his record, but I know there are others out there who get jobs with a felony on their record. No more excuses. When is it time to live our lives???

]]> By: Linda http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54899 Linda Thu, 26 Jan 2012 02:29:06 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54899 I've read a few of these stories....my story is very similar. My son is 34. He has been nailing me to the cross since he was young. I divorced his father when he was 3 1/2 and I still think that he blames me for everything that went wrong in his life. He constantly lies, he does drugs, pain killers mostly, then he becomes violent. Throwing things, punching holds in the wall, breaking doors. He went to jail for 6 months when my parents called the police, for a domestic, and drug charges. He violated probahtion and was sent to jail...I thought that it would change him...it did..not for the good. He has a chip on his shoulder; can't find a job. He is stealing, money, jewelry, forging checks. I called his father, I just can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to send him back to jail, but he refuses to go for help; and now he uses the fact that his probahation officer will send him back to jail if he goes to live with his father. It is cold and he has no money, no real friends, he own brother won't let him go to his house. I feel torn. His father said that he was going to put him away. He needs professional help. I do know that...I'm am so sick. I have addiction in my family. Both my brothers, my father has been on pain meds since I was 10 years old for a back problem, and really that is when drug use was introduced to my family. My mom has gone through hell, still is now her grandson. I am with heavy heart when I say that he needs to be someplace that can help him, but not jail that is a horrible place. Any suggestions. The court system doesn't help neither does probahation they prefer to send you to jail. No jobs. No money, desperate. I’ve read a few of these stories….my story is very similar. My son is 34. He has been nailing me to the cross since he was young. I divorced his father when he was 3 1/2 and I still think that he blames me for everything that went wrong in his life. He constantly lies, he does drugs, pain killers mostly, then he becomes violent. Throwing things, punching holds in the wall, breaking doors. He went to jail for 6 months when my parents called the police, for a domestic, and drug charges. He violated probahtion and was sent to jail…I thought that it would change him…it did..not for the good. He has a chip on his shoulder; can’t find a job. He is stealing, money, jewelry, forging checks. I called his father, I just can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t want to send him back to jail, but he refuses to go for help; and now he uses the fact that his probahation officer will send him back to jail if he goes to live with his father. It is cold and he has no money, no real friends, he own brother won’t let him go to his house. I feel torn. His father said that he was going to put him away. He needs professional help. I do know that…I’m am so sick. I have addiction in my family. Both my brothers, my father has been on pain meds since I was 10 years old for a back problem, and really that is when drug use was introduced to my family. My mom has gone through hell, still is now her grandson. I am with heavy heart when I say that he needs to be someplace that can help him, but not jail that is a horrible place. Any suggestions. The court system doesn’t help neither does probahation they prefer to send you to jail. No jobs. No money, desperate.

]]> By: Verla http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54862 Verla Tue, 24 Jan 2012 22:41:14 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54862 Well,I have been searching for some answers now for so long, it is actually nice to hear that others are in similar boats... My daughter is 31 and is addicted to cocaine and now I believe prescription drugs. Five years ago she was pregnant and was with us during her pregnancy and didn't use. Her boyfriend got out of jail and the lies began...she had the baby (they got married and were living with us). I went away for a couple of weeks to come home to basically a empty house, they robbed us blind and stoled our truck and took off, withthe babe. Needless to say we have been raising out granddaughter for five years now. Meanwhile shehad another child three years ago, she has been living in a different city from us, so she said that she split up with her husband, got a job and was diagnosed with bi-polar. Eventually the wheels fell off and she freaked out at work and didn't go back. Next she got another job, then her little son got sick and possibly had a cancerous growth on his lungand had to undergo two different biopsies. Then she felland broke her arm, so on and so on, I was SO STUPID, thought if she didn't have any bad luck she wouldn't have any luck at all. Anyway she came to our house for Christmas, wheels fell off, she ended up in the hospital going through withdrawls Social Service, removed her son from her care and she had to leave. I also found two needles in the room they were staying and pills. The littleone stayed with us but they wanted him close to his mother in order to maintain a relationship (she has none withher daughter)so now he is with his paternal grandparents. During all of this we found out she has been living withher husband all through this time, during which she was asking everyday for help with prescriptions (five different ones)groceries etc....it was all lies constantly. I was crushed once again of how she could do this to her kids and to her family. No more. So much has gone on with her,how can a mother use her own child to get what she wants.He was so neglected it broke my heart. I have gone to AA but didn't see any help there. Then have been searching for books on the subject but nothing there either, where can a person get help to help themselves! Well,I have been searching for some answers now for so long, it is actually nice to hear that others are in similar boats…
My daughter is 31 and is addicted to cocaine and now I believe prescription drugs. Five years ago she was pregnant and was with us during her pregnancy and didn’t use. Her boyfriend got out of jail and the lies began…she had the baby (they got married and were living with us). I went away for a couple of weeks to come home to basically a empty house, they robbed us blind and stoled our truck and took off, withthe babe. Needless to say we have been raising out granddaughter for five years now. Meanwhile shehad another child three years ago, she has been living in a different city from us, so she said that she split up with her husband, got a job and was diagnosed with bi-polar. Eventually the wheels fell off and she freaked out at work and didn’t go back. Next she got another job, then her little son got sick and possibly had a cancerous growth on his lungand had to undergo two different biopsies. Then she felland broke her arm, so on and so on, I was SO STUPID, thought if she didn’t have any bad luck she wouldn’t have any luck at all. Anyway she came to our house for Christmas, wheels fell off, she ended up in the hospital going through withdrawls Social Service, removed her son from her care and she had to leave. I also found two needles in the room they were staying and pills. The littleone stayed with us but they wanted him close to his mother in order to maintain a relationship (she has none withher daughter)so now he is with his paternal grandparents. During all of this we found out she has been living withher husband all through this time, during which she was asking everyday for help with prescriptions (five different ones)groceries etc….it was all lies constantly. I was crushed once again of how she could do this to her kids and to her family. No more. So much has gone on with her,how can a mother use her own child to get what she wants.He was so neglected it broke my heart.
I have gone to AA but didn’t see any help there. Then have been searching for books on the subject but nothing there either, where can a person get help to help themselves!

]]> By: des http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54762 des Fri, 20 Jan 2012 06:50:48 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54762 Tanya, It is so tough to "not"enable. My son was just in rehab (lost count on how many times he's been there). This particular rehab has alot of support for families. I learned so much. I learned that i'm "sick" because i'm addicted to my addict. I learned that throwing my son on the street forces him to go into rehab and i know he is initially going for the bed and/or hot meal but my feeling is, whatever gets him in there then maybe he will "see the light" so to speak. Nobody can judge a family member going through what you and I go through. Each person and family is individualized and what works in your situation may not work in mine. I do feel that the support groups out there for families is KEY to helping you and i cope. Tanya,
It is so tough to “not”enable. My son was just in rehab (lost count on how many times he’s been there). This particular rehab has alot of support for families. I learned so much. I learned that i’m “sick” because i’m addicted to my addict. I learned that throwing my son on the street forces him to go into rehab and i know he is initially going for the bed and/or hot meal but my feeling is, whatever gets him in there then maybe he will “see the light” so to speak. Nobody can judge a family member going through what you and I go through. Each person and family is individualized and what works in your situation may not work in mine. I do feel that the support groups out there for families is KEY to helping you and i cope.

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54667 Tanya Mon, 16 Jan 2012 20:37:00 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54667 Pretend I never sent that last post! What to do without enabling is always a struggle. I've just decided to see what he does. If he helps himself, I'll help him. If not, I'll drop him off at a shelter. It's not my problem to figure out his life and I don't need to be tormented about what to do or not do for him. If he makes positive strides, I'll consider helping. He's going to reap the rewards or suffer the consequences of his actions. Pretend I never sent that last post! What to do without enabling is always a struggle. I’ve just decided to see what he does. If he helps himself, I’ll help him. If not, I’ll drop him off at a shelter. It’s not my problem to figure out his life and I don’t need to be tormented about what to do or not do for him. If he makes positive strides, I’ll consider helping. He’s going to reap the rewards or suffer the consequences of his actions.

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54651 Tanya Mon, 16 Jan 2012 04:14:43 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54651 Well, my son is out of jail and he's here at our home. He was in jail in CA for a DUI, but missed a court date here in TX for possession of marijuana due to the fact that he was incarcerated in CA. The judge here wasn't happy because he went to court the first time & asked for a court-appointed attorney. She told him to bring proof that he needed one and he missed the first date she set, so they had to reschedule. He made the next appt, and the judge agreed to the attorney, but there wasn't one available that day. They reset the date, but he was in jail in CA then. So, the judge issued a warrant and there is an inactive bond forfeiture. They sent extradition papers to CA, but somehow it fell through the cracks and CA released him. He flew in Thurs night and called the court Friday morning. The clerk told him he can walk into court with all the paperwork, but the judge will most likely have him taken into custody! The clerk said he would be better off to hire an attorney to show up with the paperwork & give the judge a chance to look it over. He called an attorney & the attorney told him he could represent him, but he may have to go in for a day for booking, but they would probably consider his time served in CA and he would most likely be released the same day. My issue is this-- he has a total of $1000 in unemployment benefits and it will cost him about $500 for an attorney. He has no job, no place to live and this money would help him get into a sober living home and help support him until he can get a job. I can't imagine that he would have to do more than 2 wks or so in jail for 0-2 oz of marijuana, but he is adamant about the fact that he is NOT going back to jail!!! He is on a wait list for a county bed in a good rehab in CA and had planned to come here & take care of the court case, then go back to CA and get into sober living, find a job somewhere and wait till he can get into the rehab. Now I see all of that going out the window. I have helped him so much financially in the past, I just can't go down that road again and have told him that repeatedly while he was incarcerated. I don't blame him for not wanting to go back to jail--he was there for 4 months and has been sick with bronchitis and sinus infections the entire time. He's still sick. He says he wants to stay sober and has made up his mind to stay off drugs and alcohol. I believe that's what he wants, but he has never been able to stay sober, so I don't see that happening without a good rehab. Maybe I'm crazy because he has already been to several rehabs in the past. I told him earlier tonight that he needs to be somewhere else by next weekend and he said ok. I told him I don't want to argue with him about jail vs hiring an attorney, but I have to set boundaries for myself and I haven't figured out just what I'm willing to do to yet; I just know I can't be his bank or go back to the way things were before. I'm leaning toward offering to pay the first 4 weeks in sober living, which would mean he has about $500 to pay for food, cigs, transportation, etc. until he can get a job. He has a felony drug charge on his record and he always uses that as an excuse why he can't get a job, but I know there has to be other felons out there who work! He is 32 yrs old and has been drinking and doing drugs since he was 14, so he missed all those years when he should have been maturing and learning how to be responsible. He has just made a mess of his life, but he is not a bad person. I don't want to enable him and I don't want to do for him what he can do for himself either. There has to be an end to the help. Well, my son is out of jail and he’s here at our home. He was in jail in CA for a DUI, but missed a court date here in TX for possession of marijuana due to the fact that he was incarcerated in CA. The judge here wasn’t happy because he went to court the first time & asked for a court-appointed attorney. She told him to bring proof that he needed one and he missed the first date she set, so they had to reschedule. He made the next appt, and the judge agreed to the attorney, but there wasn’t one available that day. They reset the date, but he was in jail in CA then. So, the judge issued a warrant and there is an inactive bond forfeiture. They sent extradition papers to CA, but somehow it fell through the cracks and CA released him. He flew in Thurs night and called the court Friday morning. The clerk told him he can walk into court with all the paperwork, but the judge will most likely have him taken into custody! The clerk said he would be better off to hire an attorney to show up with the paperwork & give the judge a chance to look it over. He called an attorney & the attorney told him he could represent him, but he may have to go in for a day for booking, but they would probably consider his time served in CA and he would most likely be released the same day. My issue is this– he has a total of $1000 in unemployment benefits and it will cost him about $500 for an attorney. He has no job, no place to live and this money would help him get into a sober living home and help support him until he can get a job. I can’t imagine that he would have to do more than 2 wks or so in jail for 0-2 oz of marijuana, but he is adamant about the fact that he is NOT going back to jail!!! He is on a wait list for a county bed in a good rehab in CA and had planned to come here & take care of the court case, then go back to CA and get into sober living, find a job somewhere and wait till he can get into the rehab. Now I see all of that going out the window. I have helped him so much financially in the past, I just can’t go down that road again and have told him that repeatedly while he was incarcerated. I don’t blame him for not wanting to go back to jail–he was there for 4 months and has been sick with bronchitis and sinus infections the entire time. He’s still sick. He says he wants to stay sober and has made up his mind to stay off drugs and alcohol. I believe that’s what he wants, but he has never been able to stay sober, so I don’t see that happening without a good rehab. Maybe I’m crazy because he has already been to several rehabs in the past. I told him earlier tonight that he needs to be somewhere else by next weekend and he said ok. I told him I don’t want to argue with him about jail vs hiring an attorney, but I have to set boundaries for myself and I haven’t figured out just what I’m willing to do to yet; I just know I can’t be his bank or go back to the way things were before. I’m leaning toward offering to pay the first 4 weeks in sober living, which would mean he has about $500 to pay for food, cigs, transportation, etc. until he can get a job. He has a felony drug charge on his record and he always uses that as an excuse why he can’t get a job, but I know there has to be other felons out there who work! He is 32 yrs old and has been drinking and doing drugs since he was 14, so he missed all those years when he should have been maturing and learning how to be responsible. He has just made a mess of his life, but he is not a bad person. I don’t want to enable him and I don’t want to do for him what he can do for himself either. There has to be an end to the help.

]]> By: desiree http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54309 desiree Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:47:07 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54309 sorry i guess i was directing toward Celia, lol not sure sorry i guess i was directing toward Celia, lol not sure

]]> By: desiree http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54308 desiree Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:46:10 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54308 Jillian, My son went into rehab last week. I'm pretty sure he went in to avoid jail and/or to have a bed (it's getting cold out). whatever the reason, who cares, he's in there and i can only hope that he will "see the light". i would never judge you nor do i think anyone on this panel would as we all seem to be going through the same ordeal. My son has and still steals from me and family and whoever he can to support his habit. My mother in law has had to close her bank account 3 times with losses up to 40,000 dollars including jewelry, some necklaces worth 9,000 dollars. I used to give my son money or even gift cards but he would sell the gift cards. I am giving him tough love and he( when he is well) respects me but when high, hates me. I've been going through this for over 5 years now so i guess you can say that i enable him less and less but still, it is tough because he is my child. I am going to be going to my first support group on Friday night. I think it can only help. I believe that the 3 choices you wrote are true for your child or any child going through this. Be well.... Desiree Jillian, My son went into rehab last week. I’m pretty sure he went in to avoid jail and/or to have a bed (it’s getting cold out). whatever the reason, who cares, he’s in there and i can only hope that he will “see the light”. i would never judge you nor do i think anyone on this panel would as we all seem to be going through the same ordeal. My son has and still steals from me and family and whoever he can to support his habit. My mother in law has had to close her bank account 3 times with losses up to 40,000 dollars including jewelry, some necklaces worth 9,000 dollars. I used to give my son money or even gift cards but he would sell the gift cards. I am giving him tough love and he( when he is well) respects me but when high, hates me. I’ve been going through this for over 5 years now so i guess you can say that i enable him less and less but still, it is tough because he is my child. I am going to be going to my first support group on Friday night. I think it can only help. I believe that the 3 choices you wrote are true for your child or any child going through this.
Be well….
Desiree

]]> By: Celia http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54212 Celia Fri, 30 Dec 2011 03:39:25 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54212 Jillian, I'm am glad that you have posted about your son. Be thankful that he has made it through the physical w/d and that he is participating in the counseling. I would think that he probably will need to be in counseling for quite a while. My son has been through detox 3 times now in just over a year and has gone back to prescription pain drugs every time. He says he doesn't need counseling, but obviously, he does. To all of the other parents out there I am so sorry that very few of us are having any success with our adult addicts. Every day is a nightmare for me and my son continues to drain me of money each and every day. He still doesn't work and says to me that every day is the last day and he will get help tomorrow. It is all just a lie and a delay tactic. I've told him that he has 3 choices in life: 1. Die an early death from drugs 2. End up in jail or prison 3. Choose to deal with his addiction and try to get his life straightened out. He is 30 yrs old, a college graduate, and Iraq War veteran and really a bright, personable, and handsome young man or he was all of this....but he seems to have no ambition, and his only goal in life is to obtain drugs to feed his addiction. I am so tired and stressed with all of this, I just don't know what to do. I wish he would just go somewhere and leave me alone so I can have some peace. Sandy & Desiree...be thankful that your children are not bullying you and demanding unbelievable sums of money from you everyday. I know you probably wonder why I have continued to give him money for his habit...it is due to him threatening me and saying he will come to my work and make a scene if I don't meet his demands (he has done this before). I feel like I'm being blackmailed by my own son. God help all of us. We need him. Jillian,

I’m am glad that you have posted about your son. Be thankful that he has made it through the physical w/d and that he is participating in the counseling. I would think that he probably will need to be in counseling for quite a while. My son has been through detox 3 times now in just over a year and has gone back to prescription pain drugs every time. He says he doesn’t need counseling, but obviously, he does.

To all of the other parents out there I am so sorry that very few of us are having any success with our adult addicts. Every day is a nightmare for me and my son continues to drain me of money each and every day. He still doesn’t work and says to me that every day is the last day and he will get help tomorrow. It is all just a lie and a delay tactic. I’ve told him that he has 3 choices in life:
1. Die an early death from drugs
2. End up in jail or prison
3. Choose to deal with his addiction and try to get his life straightened out.
He is 30 yrs old, a college graduate, and Iraq War veteran and really a bright, personable, and handsome young man or he was all of this….but he seems to have no ambition, and his only goal in life is to obtain drugs to feed his addiction. I am so tired and stressed with all of this, I just don’t know what to do.

I wish he would just go somewhere and leave me alone so I can have some peace. Sandy & Desiree…be thankful that your children are not bullying you and demanding unbelievable sums of money from you everyday. I know you probably wonder why I have continued to give him money for his habit…it is due to him threatening me and saying he will come to my work and make a scene if I don’t meet his demands (he has done this before). I feel like I’m being blackmailed by my own son.

God help all of us. We need him.

]]> By: Jillian http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54183 Jillian Thu, 29 Dec 2011 03:58:09 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54183 sorry for the couple of typo's. I'm feeling guilty about everything as of late... sorry for the couple of typo’s. I’m feeling guilty about everything as of late…

]]> By: Jillian http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54182 Jillian Thu, 29 Dec 2011 03:55:08 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54182 I kind of can't believe I'm posting here...out son (21) is a heroin addict. He is living out in the country w/us now, so cut off from drugs for the time being. He's gone thru the physical w/drawl & now we're on the mental part. He says he wants to stop using (I'm still shocked he actually shot up w/heroin for a yr. & we NEVER knew). What do we do now? He's (& us) are seeing a counselor. Since he's thru the physical w/drawl and has been out w/us for about a month, does he still need outpatient? I'm afraid for when he can finally leave us & go to the real world. I feel so guilty for now realizing this sooner. My husband and I are having a tough time. ANY advice will be sooooo welcome. Thanks. I kind of can’t believe I’m posting here…out son (21) is a heroin addict. He is living out in the country w/us now, so cut off from drugs for the time being. He’s gone thru the physical w/drawl & now we’re on the mental part. He says he wants to stop using (I’m still shocked he actually shot up w/heroin for a yr. & we NEVER knew). What do we do now? He’s (& us) are seeing a counselor. Since he’s thru the physical w/drawl and has been out w/us for about a month, does he still need outpatient? I’m afraid for when he can finally leave us & go to the real world. I feel so guilty for now realizing this sooner. My husband and I are having a tough time. ANY advice will be sooooo welcome. Thanks.

]]> By: Karen Lewy http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54128 Karen Lewy Tue, 27 Dec 2011 00:08:09 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54128 Watching your child "adult" or not get lost in the world of addiction is something I would never wish on any parent. The roller coaster of emotions and the fear of "what if's" is torture. I take each victory as it comes and try to stay focused on understanding the war against the enemy. Separating the sin from the person helps you stay focused on the person that needs to be freed from addiction rather then the drug induced behavior of the addict. (Love the person, Hate the sin)....addiction is becoming an epidemic in this country and the "successful" resources for help are just not available. I pray, lean on God's word for strength and continue to persevere to help my adult child be free from this bondage. Watching your child “adult” or not get lost in the world of addiction is something I would never wish on any parent. The roller coaster of emotions and the fear of “what if’s” is torture. I take each victory as it comes and try to stay focused on understanding the war against the enemy. Separating the sin from the person helps you stay focused on the person that needs to be freed from addiction rather then the drug induced behavior of the addict. (Love the person, Hate the sin)….addiction is becoming an epidemic in this country and the “successful” resources for help are just not available. I pray, lean on God’s word for strength and continue to persevere to help my adult child be free from this bondage.

]]> By: Desiree http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54110 Desiree Mon, 26 Dec 2011 06:12:29 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54110 i hate that i understand what you are all going through. My son is at a hotel right now doing drugs. He will be 23 next month. He has juvenile diabetes. As a nurse and emt, i know that diabetes and drug abuse is a bad combo. I agree with Donna, i feel like my son is committing suicide slowly. i'm pretty sure he will die and what hurts me the most is when will this be? tomorrow? next week? next year? a mother sees this happening and wants to save or protect her kid but can't! this is the worst feeling. in my career i see people of all ages dying from illness that they didn't ask for and i have this kid who doesn't care about himself. My heart breaks for him. i say to myself: "where did i go wrong?" his twin sister holds 2 jobs and is a full time student. my 12 year old is an outstanding student and child. all i do is stress and cry i hate that i understand what you are all going through. My son is at a hotel right now doing drugs. He will be 23 next month. He has juvenile diabetes. As a nurse and emt, i know that diabetes and drug abuse is a bad combo. I agree with Donna, i feel like my son is committing suicide slowly. i’m pretty sure he will die and what hurts me the most is when will this be? tomorrow? next week? next year? a mother sees this happening and wants to save or protect her kid but can’t! this is the worst feeling. in my career i see people of all ages dying from illness that they didn’t ask for and i have this kid who doesn’t care about himself. My heart breaks for him. i say to myself: “where did i go wrong?” his twin sister holds 2 jobs and is a full time student. my 12 year old is an outstanding student and child.
all i do is stress and cry

]]> By: Sandy http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54109 Sandy Mon, 26 Dec 2011 04:26:45 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54109 Merry Christmas to everyone. I know many of us are suffering on this day- and this website is here to remind us that we are not alone. My daughter did not call, or return my calls today. No doubt she is drunk, alone, miserable, crying. We are in another state, and she was invited to come- with us paying for the ticket, of course- and she said she could not leave. Leave what? No job, sleeping on someone's couch in a subsidized apartment downtown where other addicts or losers are living on public assistance or SSI. No family nearby,no church, no happiness. She has tried to commit suicide twice this month and calls to cry that she hates her life and has begun cutting herself. It is a nightmare- she is beautiful and her physical beauty is something she has tried to maintain. Now she is scarring herself, her teeth are stained, the effects of her abuse of herself starting to show. She knows she is an alcoholic but continually tells me she doesn't want to stop. Sorry to be such a downer on this blessed day- every holiday I cry. I can make it though most days and put my daughter's pain in some compartment and only look at it occasionally. On every holiday, I wake in pain and spend the day trying to be secluded so my sadness does not effect others. I have cried off and on all day. Thank you for all being there and sharing. Our children cause us so much pain. I know they are in pain- but how do we cope with the guilt and pain and helplessness we as parents have to deal with? Merry Christmas to everyone. I know many of us are suffering on this day- and this website is here to remind us that we are not alone. My daughter did not call, or return my calls today. No doubt she is drunk, alone, miserable, crying. We are in another state, and she was invited to come- with us paying for the ticket, of course- and she said she could not leave. Leave what? No job, sleeping on someone’s couch in a subsidized apartment downtown where other addicts or losers are living on public assistance or SSI. No family nearby,no church, no happiness. She has tried to commit suicide twice this month and calls to cry that she hates her life and has begun cutting herself. It is a nightmare- she is beautiful and her physical beauty is something she has tried to maintain. Now she is scarring herself, her teeth are stained, the effects of her abuse of herself starting to show. She knows she is an alcoholic but continually tells me she doesn’t want to stop.
Sorry to be such a downer on this blessed day- every holiday I cry. I can make it though most days and put my daughter’s pain in some compartment and only look at it occasionally. On every holiday, I wake in pain and spend the day trying to be secluded so my sadness does not effect others. I have cried off and on all day. Thank you for all being there and sharing. Our children cause us so much pain. I know they are in pain- but how do we cope with the guilt and pain and helplessness we as parents have to deal with?

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54098 Tanya Sun, 25 Dec 2011 19:15:27 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-54098 Merry Christmas to all you strong, loving and caring parents! I hope your Holidays are wonderful and that the New Year will bring more happiness than despair. My son is sitting in a jail cell, which has to be about the most depressing situation to be in at this time of year. At least there's one bright spot for me; I don't have to worry that he will kill himself or someone else in a car accident! I do pray 2012 will be a better year for everyone and that our addicts will finally turn their lives around! Have a blessed Christmas and wonderful New Year! Tanya Merry Christmas to all you strong, loving and caring parents! I hope your Holidays are wonderful and that the New Year will bring more happiness than despair. My son is sitting in a jail cell, which has to be about the most depressing situation to be in at this time of year. At least there’s one bright spot for me; I don’t have to worry that he will kill himself or someone else in a car accident! I do pray 2012 will be a better year for everyone and that our addicts will finally turn their lives around!

Have a blessed Christmas and wonderful New Year!
Tanya

]]> By: Donna http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53951 Donna Sun, 18 Dec 2011 18:28:56 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53951 I'm sorry about your son, Kathy, and the pain you're going through. I know it all too well. It's a sickening horrific kind of emotional pain wrought with fear, anger, deep sadness, grief, loss, guilt and many more. Having to force yourself to be "cold" toward your children is unnatural. I hate this disease like no other. I would much rather my son had a terminal illness. This is like watching a slow torturous death for years. Some get lucky and get to see their child choose sobriety. I hope some of us fall into the lucky few. Best to you, your son and your family during this extremely difficult time of year. I’m sorry about your son, Kathy, and the pain you’re going through. I know it all too well. It’s a sickening horrific kind of emotional pain wrought with fear, anger, deep sadness, grief, loss, guilt and many more. Having to force yourself to be “cold” toward your children is unnatural. I hate this disease like no other. I would much rather my son had a terminal illness. This is like watching a slow torturous death for years. Some get lucky and get to see their child choose sobriety. I hope some of us fall into the lucky few. Best to you, your son and your family during this extremely difficult time of year.

]]> By: Kathy http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53631 Kathy Mon, 05 Dec 2011 07:53:04 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53631 Hi Ladies, It's been a wicked couple of months since I last posted. I've read over your posts tonight as I am awake with a case of the worries over my son. My gosh our stories are all so familiar. Each one of yours hits me right in the gut. So, since I last wrote hell broke loose. My son became more and more violent in response to any requests we'd make of him and to any denials of money, transportation, time listening to his bullshit. Out of pity, we hated calling the police so things went on too long and too far. Upon realizing he was going to push us into the pit of assault and battery charges, we finally took it all into our own hands. We packed his clothing and toiletries in bags and made him go. It was horrible. He cried, he wheedled, he begged, he put his body in the door and tried to prevent my closing it. We put the police on speed dial because we fully expected the violence of desperation. As it was I had bruised arms from his response to my trying to get him out the door enough to close it! I've never felt like such a pitiful piece of work in my life, having been degraded to the point of physical exchange. Mind you, my son is six feet, two inches tall and a very wiry 160 pounds. I'm all of five-five and a round little dumpling. He left, but he'd be back at the door night after night, or calling me at home or the office with the begging, wheedling, promising. I thought I was a nervous wreck before, but wow, that was nothing compared to this. Finally on the second or third night of a set of wet, heavy snowstorms he was picked up behind a shopping center a couple of miles away, apparently extremely drunk and feet slightly frostbitten. The police dropped what was left of his belongings at our home. The warrants from screwing up what should have been a pretty straightforward probation landed him back at County for 60 days. I visited him there once and never went back because after the first few minutes of fairly lucid exchange he dove right back into the manipulative talk. He tried calling many times, multiples in a row! I was so glad for the blocking program I'd purchased for my cellphone. He even dialed my work number so frequently I had to direct all calls to voice mail to screen them. A couple of times I took the call and wished I hadn't. The whole purpose was to work on my emotions. He's become quite the psychopath, really. All that matters is him! After the 15 minutes my brain would be thoroughly addled and my heart rate dangerous even though I'd beg him to please stop, to understand, to do right. Throughout all this, I've seriously considered hanging myself from the huge tree in the back yard a number of times, or with the dog leashes from the basement ceiling, just to get relief from the pain of it all. Dammit, I'm not going to fold. He knows there is life insurance and sometimes I wonder if that's what he wants. It's a miserable feeling. Since my son's been released he hasn't come to the house, thankfully, but the abuse doesn't stop. He's called all my phones and I've erred in answering a couple of times. Begging, wheedling, promises that he's a new person, flattery of asking for a pie, pulling at heart strings that the guy who took him in was putting him out because the guy needs rent money for the room my son occupies. My resolve wavers silently while outwardly I repeat the "sorry, I love you, can't do any more for you" magic. I admit I really considered coming up with $375 to buy him a month. Thank goodness I was smart enough to not mention this to my son...he'd have grabbed onto the idea like a pitbull and tortured hell out of me until I either did it or involved the police. No matter to him that I'd be pinched for a month or more to make up for it! All that matters to him is him. It has become a two-person attack on me; my son knows, from years of seeing his father do it and from his own experience, that enough haranguing will wear me into submission. Not only was my son calling, but also the guy has called. I have determined there's collusion to shake me down. So the last time I got a call from "the guy" I told him that I think well of his charity to my son, but that I would not be rescuing the 26-year-old young man who has decided not to try to help himself. It's been a few days since either has called and I am so relieved but wondering when it will start up again. Or worse, will my son come to the office? As I write now, it is very very cold outside...and you all know where my mind wanders. Finally the sleeping pills are taking effect. G'nite... Hi Ladies,

It’s been a wicked couple of months since I last posted. I’ve read over your posts tonight as I am awake with a case of the worries over my son. My gosh our stories are all so familiar. Each one of yours hits me right in the gut.

So, since I last wrote hell broke loose. My son became more and more violent in response to any requests we’d make of him and to any denials of money, transportation, time listening to his bullshit. Out of pity, we hated calling the police so things went on too long and too far.

Upon realizing he was going to push us into the pit of assault and battery charges, we finally took it all into our own hands. We packed his clothing and toiletries in bags and made him go. It was horrible. He cried, he wheedled, he begged, he put his body in the door and tried to prevent my closing it. We put the police on speed dial because we fully expected the violence of desperation. As it was I had bruised arms from his response to my trying to get him out the door enough to close it! I’ve never felt like such a pitiful piece of work in my life, having been degraded to the point of physical exchange. Mind you, my son is six feet, two inches tall and a very wiry 160 pounds. I’m all of five-five and a round little dumpling.

He left, but he’d be back at the door night after night, or calling me at home or the office with the begging, wheedling, promising. I thought I was a nervous wreck before, but wow, that was nothing compared to this. Finally on the second or third night of a set of wet, heavy snowstorms he was picked up behind a shopping center a couple of miles away, apparently extremely drunk and feet slightly frostbitten.

The police dropped what was left of his belongings at our home. The warrants from screwing up what should have been a pretty straightforward probation landed him back at County for 60 days.

I visited him there once and never went back because after the first few minutes of fairly lucid exchange he dove right back into the manipulative talk. He tried calling many times, multiples in a row! I was so glad for the blocking program I’d purchased for my cellphone. He even dialed my work number so frequently I had to direct all calls to voice mail to screen them.

A couple of times I took the call and wished I hadn’t. The whole purpose was to work on my emotions. He’s become quite the psychopath, really. All that matters is him! After the 15 minutes my brain would be thoroughly addled and my heart rate dangerous even though I’d beg him to please stop, to understand, to do right.

Throughout all this, I’ve seriously considered hanging myself from the huge tree in the back yard a number of times, or with the dog leashes from the basement ceiling, just to get relief from the pain of it all. Dammit, I’m not going to fold. He knows there is life insurance and sometimes I wonder if that’s what he wants. It’s a miserable feeling.

Since my son’s been released he hasn’t come to the house, thankfully, but the abuse doesn’t stop. He’s called all my phones and I’ve erred in answering a couple of times. Begging, wheedling, promises that he’s a new person, flattery of asking for a pie, pulling at heart strings that the guy who took him in was putting him out because the guy needs rent money for the room my son occupies. My resolve wavers silently while outwardly I repeat the “sorry, I love you, can’t do any more for you” magic.

I admit I really considered coming up with $375 to buy him a month. Thank goodness I was smart enough to not mention this to my son…he’d have grabbed onto the idea like a pitbull and tortured hell out of me until I either did it or involved the police. No matter to him that I’d be pinched for a month or more to make up for it! All that matters to him is him.

It has become a two-person attack on me; my son knows, from years of seeing his father do it and from his own experience, that enough haranguing will wear me into submission. Not only was my son calling, but also the guy has called. I have determined there’s collusion to shake me down. So the last time I got a call from “the guy” I told him that I think well of his charity to my son, but that I would not be rescuing the 26-year-old young man who has decided not to try to help himself. It’s been a few days since either has called and I am so relieved but wondering when it will start up again. Or worse, will my son come to the office?

As I write now, it is very very cold outside…and you all know where my mind wanders. Finally the sleeping pills are taking effect. G’nite…

]]> By: Barbara http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53333 Barbara Mon, 21 Nov 2011 20:31:29 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53333 Thank you for this, it took me a long time to go through these emails. Every child is different, and everyone has different needs. After working with so many young addicts and troubled youth, I know that every case is different. I strongly believe and tell friends/family of addicted loved ones to help the addict as long as they are helping themselves. But there is also the time when the seed of recovery needs to be planted, and that can be done with the help of the YOU. Addicts get in a denial factor, that is hard to see when they have blinders on. Thank you for this, it took me a long time to go through these emails. Every child is different, and everyone has different needs. After working with so many young addicts and troubled youth, I know that every case is different. I strongly believe and tell friends/family of addicted loved ones to help the addict as long as they are helping themselves. But there is also the time when the seed of recovery needs to be planted, and that can be done with the help of the YOU. Addicts get in a denial factor, that is hard to see when they have blinders on.

]]> By: karen http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53225 karen Thu, 17 Nov 2011 07:48:10 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53225 Yes there is a choice to be made. At no time do I think that a person cannot choose to be well. It can be extremely difficult to stay sober as many must deal with "craving". With addiction comes alterations in the brain. Medical help is necessary for many. Let me tell you something that is true. It will take everything you got to overcome addiction, at least in the beginning. Also you all should know that the experience of powerlessness occurs during the course of active addiction. EVERYBODY tries to stop or moderate their use over the course of months, years, decades. NOBODY sets out to become an addict/alcoholic. NOBODY!!!! Why some and not others???? It's not as simple as this site wants you to think. However an addict can get well if he/she is willing to do whatever it takes. Yes there is a choice to be made. At no time do I think that a person cannot choose to be well. It can be extremely difficult to stay sober as many must deal with “craving”. With addiction comes alterations in the brain. Medical help is necessary for many. Let me tell you something that is true. It will take everything you got to overcome addiction, at least in the beginning. Also you all should know that the experience of powerlessness occurs during the course of active addiction. EVERYBODY tries to stop or moderate their use over the course of months, years, decades. NOBODY sets out to become an addict/alcoholic. NOBODY!!!! Why some and not others???? It’s not as simple as this site wants you to think. However an addict can get well if he/she is willing to do whatever it takes.

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53181 Tanya Tue, 15 Nov 2011 05:30:17 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53181 Thank you for your insight, Karen. I'm sorry about your daughter and I'm sorry we all have the same struggles with our children. We love them so much and want to help, but it's so difficult to understand the fine line between helping and enabling. The "disease" theory is probably what we want to believe because we see how addiction runs in families and it's easier to think of it as a disease opposed to "choice". It helps to hear your perspective and I appreciate that. I just pray my son makes the choice to live as you have done and hope all our children make that same choice. Thank you for your insight, Karen. I’m sorry about your daughter and I’m sorry we all have the same struggles with our children. We love them so much and want to help, but it’s so difficult to understand the fine line between helping and enabling. The “disease” theory is probably what we want to believe because we see how addiction runs in families and it’s easier to think of it as a disease opposed to “choice”. It helps to hear your perspective and I appreciate that. I just pray my son makes the choice to live as you have done and hope all our children make that same choice.

]]> By: karen http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53114 karen Sat, 12 Nov 2011 16:58:38 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-53114 Hi everyone. Just spent last night and this morning reading every post on this site. Thanks to all of you because it helped me. MARGE...I am a recovered alcoholic/drug user. I have always heard that alcoholism is a disease. It never felt right to me though. However, alcohol, like many drugs, is addictive. If you use addictive substances often enough you get addicted. It certainly causes diseases. It doesn't really matter though to me. It's all about deciding to get help and to stop using whatever you use...alcohol/drugs etc. Even smoking. Way more people die from smoking than drugs and alcohol. The difference is that they don't make life a living hell for everyone around them. I have a huge extended family. Many alcoholics (in recovery for the most part) and many young drug addicts/abusers who are not recovered and don't want to be. Now my own daughter is using drugs and it is more painful for me to watch her destroy herself than anything I have ever gone through. I would do ANYTHING to help her. But there is NOTHING I can do because she doesn't want help. She doesn't think crushing pills and injecting them into her body is anything to worry about. She is 20. Extremely beautiful and talented. She is smart and has always had many good friends. Well, like all of your stories, I have watched her change in the last two years. She has dropped out of two schools. Lost many jobs. No more good friends. Nothing in her life lasts long. I get mad at her and then I remember where I was and I know that when you are "in it", you can't see straight. Yes I did have "lucid" moments. But then I would "forget". I mean really forget! No one who hasn't had to overcome an addiction can really understand this. Yes I was powerless while choosing to continue to use. I couldn't fix myself while using. Does that make sense? I was powerless as long as I continued to drink and use drugs. I had to be willing to stop. Just willing. And once I made that decision I was really on the way to recovery. And that was before I even got to an AA meeting. Get a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous - The Big Book. Written before all the treatment centers came around. It is all about becoming willing to go to any lengths to get better. It's all about taking a very hard and honest look at yourself and facing the fact that you are a big baby, selfish, immature, self-centered to the extreme. It's about deciding to surrender and give up the battle so that you can win the war. I think some of these posts reflect a misunderstanding of what AA (the original) meant by powerlessness. I am powerless over lots of things. Only an egotist would say that he has control over everything he does and can do anything. I'm so exhausted. I know what I must do. I must get my hair done and buy new clothes. I must find meaningful work and friends. I must continue to grow and pray and find peace in my life. I cannot hang my life on hers. Not easy to do when it's your daughter! And I love her so much. And I always will! I CHOOSE TO! I can choose today. I will not give her money or enable her any longer. I will tell you this. The anger and blame directed at us parents is the child's own self-hate. I pray for my daughter and my nephews and all these young lost children. Thanks Hi everyone. Just spent last night and this morning reading every post on this site. Thanks to all of you because it helped me. MARGE…I am a recovered alcoholic/drug user. I have always heard that alcoholism is a disease. It never felt right to me though. However, alcohol, like many drugs, is addictive. If you use addictive substances often enough you get addicted. It certainly causes diseases. It doesn’t really matter though to me. It’s all about deciding to get help and to stop using whatever you use…alcohol/drugs etc. Even smoking. Way more people die from smoking than drugs and alcohol. The difference is that they don’t make life a living hell for everyone around them. I have a huge extended family. Many alcoholics (in recovery for the most part) and many young drug addicts/abusers who are not recovered and don’t want to be. Now my own daughter is using drugs and it is more painful for me to watch her destroy herself than anything I have ever gone through. I would do ANYTHING to help her. But there is NOTHING I can do because she doesn’t want help. She doesn’t think crushing pills and injecting them into her body is anything to worry about. She is 20. Extremely beautiful and talented. She is smart and has always had many good friends. Well, like all of your stories, I have watched her change in the last two years. She has dropped out of two schools. Lost many jobs. No more good friends. Nothing in her life lasts long. I get mad at her and then I remember where I was and I know that when you are “in it”, you can’t see straight. Yes I did have “lucid” moments. But then I would “forget”. I mean really forget! No one who hasn’t had to overcome an addiction can really understand this. Yes I was powerless while choosing to continue to use. I couldn’t fix myself while using. Does that make sense? I was powerless as long as I continued to drink and use drugs. I had to be willing to stop. Just willing. And once I made that decision I was really on the way to recovery. And that was before I even got to an AA meeting. Get a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous – The Big Book. Written before all the treatment centers came around. It is all about becoming willing to go to any lengths to get better. It’s all about taking a very hard and honest look at yourself and facing the fact that you are a big baby, selfish, immature, self-centered to the extreme. It’s about deciding to surrender and give up the battle so that you can win the war. I think some of these posts reflect a misunderstanding of what AA (the original) meant by powerlessness. I am powerless over lots of things. Only an egotist would say that he has control over everything he does and can do anything. I’m so exhausted. I know what I must do. I must get my hair done and buy new clothes. I must find meaningful work and friends. I must continue to grow and pray and find peace in my life. I cannot hang my life on hers. Not easy to do when it’s your daughter! And I love her so much. And I always will! I CHOOSE TO! I can choose today. I will not give her money or enable her any longer. I will tell you this. The anger and blame directed at us parents is the child’s own self-hate. I pray for my daughter and my nephews and all these young lost children. Thanks

]]> By: Marge http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52873 Marge Mon, 07 Nov 2011 22:41:03 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52873 Is alcoholism a disease? My nephew just cannot seem to quit and I know that it runs in my family. He has taken just about all of my sister's retirement money for rehab, etc. Should she just say NO and see if he survives? Is alcoholism a disease? My nephew just cannot seem to quit and I know that it runs in my family. He has taken just about all of my sister’s retirement money for rehab, etc. Should she just say NO and see if he survives?

]]> By: Ann http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52708 Ann Tue, 01 Nov 2011 16:54:12 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52708 Thanks Tanya for your kind words. The latest in my scenario is that my daughter contacted a therapist for a possible joint session for her and I to "set some ground rules" because I told her the money for her is cut off starting immediately. I did this after reading all the letters on this blog. I told her to attend if she could afford it ($150 per hr.). I told the therapist, "no thanks" to talking about "ground rules" until my daughter wants to address the elephant in the room. And, Celia, thanks for the prayer...no matter what denomination we all are, a little prayer can always help especially with today being All Saints Day! And for all of us, a quote from the therapist's e-mail "Hang in there!" Thanks again to everyone who has written on this site. Truly a godsend for me. :) Thanks Tanya for your kind words. The latest in my scenario is that my daughter contacted a therapist for a possible joint session for her and I to “set some ground rules” because I told her the money for her is cut off starting immediately. I did this after reading all the letters on this blog. I told her to attend if she could afford it ($150 per hr.). I told the therapist, “no thanks” to talking about “ground rules” until my daughter wants to address the elephant in the room. And, Celia, thanks for the prayer…no matter what denomination we all are, a little prayer can always help especially with today being All Saints Day! And for all of us, a quote from the therapist’s e-mail “Hang in there!” Thanks again to everyone who has written on this site. Truly a godsend for me. :)

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52700 Tanya Tue, 01 Nov 2011 03:21:37 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52700 Ann, you WERE and ARE a good mother and you are also a GOOD grandmother! If you were such a bad mother, how on earth could she leave her beloved sons with you? That makes absolutely no sense! They love to blame everyone else! Quit spending your retirement on her though-- that is a bad move. Take care of your grandsons and take care of yourself. Let her take care of herself. She's depending on you to still be her mommy and take care of her need even though she abuses you. You must take care of your own needs!!!! Ann, you WERE and ARE a good mother and you are also a GOOD grandmother! If you were such a bad mother, how on earth could she leave her beloved sons with you? That makes absolutely no sense! They love to blame everyone else! Quit spending your retirement on her though– that is a bad move. Take care of your grandsons and take care of yourself. Let her take care of herself. She’s depending on you to still be her mommy and take care of her need even though she abuses you. You must take care of your own needs!!!!

]]> By: Celia http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52699 Celia Tue, 01 Nov 2011 02:38:45 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52699 I hope that this doesn't offend anyone on this forum but I would like to say a prayer for all of us and our children: Dear Heavenly Father, We thank you for this beautiful fall day and for your loving kindness. Thank you for your grace and love and the sacrifice of your son so that we could all have eternal life. Please be with us each day as we face a world that we don't understand. Be with our children and please give them the strength and courage to overcome their addictions and become functioning members of society. Give all of us the strength and courage to say NO when we are so scared and afraid. We are all in a world of darkness with our addicted children and can only pray that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We all love our children and want only a good and decent life for them and for us. These things we ask in Jesus' name and for his sake. AMEN I hope that this doesn’t offend anyone on this forum but I would like to say a prayer for all of us and our children:

Dear Heavenly Father,
We thank you for this beautiful fall day and for your loving kindness. Thank you for your grace and love and the sacrifice of your son so that we could all have eternal life. Please be with us each day as we face a world that we don’t understand. Be with our children and please give them the strength and courage to overcome their addictions and become functioning members of society. Give all of us the strength and courage to say NO when we are so scared and afraid. We are all in a world of darkness with our addicted children and can only pray that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We all love our children and want only a good and decent life for them and for us.
These things we ask in Jesus’ name and for his sake.
AMEN

]]> By: Ann http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52690 Ann Mon, 31 Oct 2011 11:43:59 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52690 Also, what is it when I have paid $30,000 just since Feb. to provide for her son to attend a private high school, for her attorney fees to get more support from her ex., clothing for her and her other two sons,etc. that she confronts me as to "lording" my money over her? When I told her that her loser boyfriend could not live with us anymore, she calls me a very mean person. She loves to tell me that I was not a good mother too, when I really was. She loves to say "well, you drink too" when I may have a glass of wine out to dinner. How does this all work? Also, what is it when I have paid $30,000 just since Feb. to provide for her son to attend a private high school, for her attorney fees to get more support from her ex., clothing for her and her other two sons,etc. that she confronts me as to “lording” my money over her? When I told her that her loser boyfriend could not live with us anymore, she calls me a very mean person. She loves to tell me that I was not a good mother too, when I really was. She loves to say “well, you drink too” when I may have a glass of wine out to dinner. How does this all work?

]]> By: Ann http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52684 Ann Mon, 31 Oct 2011 08:52:25 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52684 Thanks to all of you. What a blessing that I found this in the middle of the night when I have been beside myself. My 42 year old daughter has left again to be with her loser boyfriend and has left her 2 sons at home with me. She was only going out for "a minute". I have allowed her to move in with me in order to help give her sons a stable environment. Now she uses me to go out. However, I believe even if I were not in her life, she would leave her sons alone (ages 13 and 15). Both my daughter and her 46 year old boyfriend are drinkers. If it weren't for her boys, I wouldn't have anything to do with her. But what can I do when my grandsons are wonderful and didn't ask for any of this? Thanks again so much for the great comments on this site. :) Thanks to all of you. What a blessing that I found this in the middle of the night when I have been beside myself. My 42 year old daughter has left again to be with her loser boyfriend and has left her 2 sons at home with me. She was only going out for “a minute”. I have allowed her to move in with me in order to help give her sons a stable environment. Now she uses me to go out. However, I believe even if I were not in her life, she would leave her sons alone (ages 13 and 15). Both my daughter and her 46 year old boyfriend are drinkers. If it weren’t for her boys, I wouldn’t have anything to do with her. But what can I do when my grandsons are wonderful and didn’t ask for any of this? Thanks again so much for the great comments on this site. :)

]]> By: Donna http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52587 Donna Sat, 29 Oct 2011 00:10:20 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52587 WOW, I admire the strength some of you have. I'm hoping to get to that place. Right now, it feels like I'd be giving up on my son. Believe me, I know that's not the case, but it doesn't "feel" that way. I am slowly working on detaching, but it is a very difficult process. I have alot of mixed emotions. I am hoping he finds the desire to battle these demons. I just can't imagine ever being happy while he is struggling with this. WOW, I admire the strength some of you have. I’m hoping to get to that place. Right now, it feels like I’d be giving up on my son. Believe me, I know that’s not the case, but it doesn’t “feel” that way. I am slowly working on detaching, but it is a very difficult process. I have alot of mixed emotions. I am hoping he finds the desire to battle these demons. I just can’t imagine ever being happy while he is struggling with this.

]]> By: Sandy http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52419 Sandy Sun, 23 Oct 2011 02:54:15 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52419 My husband and I made the decision together- after 8 years of struggle with our daughter- that we had to save ourselves. We cannot save her. It is up to her to break away from her alcoholism and her addictive behavior. For 8 years we rescued, talked, supported and probably enabled, her behavior by helping her over and over 'make a fresh start'. Each time we were let down as she would eventually choose drinking over living a happy and productive life. At some point, we both agreed that we were finished with enabling. She is an adult- 26 years old now- and all our bailing out and providing rehab has not done a thing. She walked out of rehab, refuses counseling, is still drinking, not working, and choosing to continue in this self destructive lifestyle. In order to preserve our marriage, our security, and our happiness and the happiness of our other child- we have decided to let our daughter find her own way. We are still here for her- but she needs to come to us for help. We will no longer seek her out to push her to 'get help'. She obviously doesn't really want to change. We love her, we will provide (if she asks) a safe haven and medical care- but on our terms, not hers. She needs to want to change. So far it has all been at our initiation, and she has always told us she doesn't want to quit drinking. She says she can handle it. Well, she can't. Until she wants to quit and commit, we are saving ourselves. It is a sadness- continual- but we know we have other things to live for, and we refuse to let her misery ruin what remains of our lives and the lives of our son and his child- our grand daugher. My husband and I made the decision together- after 8 years of struggle with our daughter- that we had to save ourselves. We cannot save her. It is up to her to break away from her alcoholism and her addictive behavior. For 8 years we rescued, talked, supported and probably enabled, her behavior by helping her over and over ‘make a fresh start’. Each time we were let down as she would eventually choose drinking over living a happy and productive life. At some point, we both agreed that we were finished with enabling. She is an adult- 26 years old now- and all our bailing out and providing rehab has not done a thing. She walked out of rehab, refuses counseling, is still drinking, not working, and choosing to continue in this self destructive lifestyle.
In order to preserve our marriage, our security, and our happiness and the happiness of our other child- we have decided to let our daughter find her own way. We are still here for her- but she needs to come to us for help. We will no longer seek her out to push her to ‘get help’. She obviously doesn’t really want to change. We love her, we will provide (if she asks) a safe haven and medical care- but on our terms, not hers. She needs to want to change. So far it has all been at our initiation, and she has always told us she doesn’t want to quit drinking. She says she can handle it. Well, she can’t. Until she wants to quit and commit, we are saving ourselves. It is a sadness- continual- but we know we have other things to live for, and we refuse to let her misery ruin what remains of our lives and the lives of our son and his child- our grand daugher.

]]> By: Carl http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52407 Carl Sat, 22 Oct 2011 01:21:32 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52407 Tanya, I am glad to hear that you are able to get some peace. Something like this can break up almost any marriage. Although my wife and I have been married for 39 years, we have stood together through the difficulties of our daughter. We are now recovering from everything we have been through with our daughter. We will always be there for her, but she must make the decision to stay clean. My wife and I know that we can not, and will not, enable her. We are sharing ideas of what we will do if she decides to use again. It is going to be a long haul but we are working on a game plan. I hope that you son has that burning desire to go to rehab and really wants to get on with his life. One thing we will eventually ask our daughter is her game plan. We will be the first to know if she alters her goals......... Tanya, I am glad to hear that you are able to get some peace. Something like this can break up almost any marriage. Although my wife and I have been married for 39 years, we have stood together through the difficulties of our daughter. We are now recovering from everything we have been through with our daughter. We will always be there for her, but she must make the decision to stay clean. My wife and I know that we can not, and will not, enable her. We are sharing ideas of what we will do if she decides to use again. It is going to be a long haul but we are working on a game plan. I hope that you son has that burning desire to go to rehab and really wants to get on with his life. One thing we will eventually ask our daughter is her game plan. We will be the first to know if she alters her goals………

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52385 Tanya Thu, 20 Oct 2011 03:57:07 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52385 Carl, Thank God your daughter is safe and in rehab again! You must be at peace finally-- knowing she is well and has made a committment to get sober. I can imagine it feels pretty good to go to bed and get some sleep for a change. I'm happy for you and hope all goes well for your daughter's recovery. It's difficult to admit that I am more at peace with my son in jail, but it's true. I'm sleeping well for a change and not waking myself (and husband) up yelling at my son. I felt so trapped with the money situation and guess there was a lot of pent up anger and frustration. I never used to talk or yell in my sleep, so I think I was getting close to the breaking point. I feel your pain, Donna. My son is the same way when he's sober-- sweet, loving, intelligent, funny and sensitive. He never gets mean when he's on something, but I can't stand seeing him drunk or high. It's just disgusting and so disappointing. They have him on Prozac for depression and OCD and I'm praying it will help him. So far, he said he can't tell the difference. The doctor told him it can take several weeks. It would be dangerous for him to stop suddenly when he gets out though, so I sure hope they give him enough to last a few days when they release him. I don't know yet when he will be released or when he will get into rehab. He had another court date today, so I'm hoping to hear good news when he calls tomorrow. Carl,

Thank God your daughter is safe and in rehab again! You must be at peace finally– knowing she is well and has made a committment to get sober. I can imagine it feels pretty good to go to bed and get some sleep for a change. I’m happy for you and hope all goes well for your daughter’s recovery.

It’s difficult to admit that I am more at peace with my son in jail, but it’s true. I’m sleeping well for a change and not waking myself (and husband) up yelling at my son. I felt so trapped with the money situation and guess there was a lot of pent up anger and frustration. I never used to talk or yell in my sleep, so I think I was getting close to the breaking point.

I feel your pain, Donna. My son is the same way when he’s sober– sweet, loving, intelligent, funny and sensitive. He never gets mean when he’s on something, but I can’t stand seeing him drunk or high. It’s just disgusting and so disappointing. They have him on Prozac for depression and OCD and I’m praying it will help him. So far, he said he can’t tell the difference. The doctor told him it can take several weeks. It would be dangerous for him to stop suddenly when he gets out though, so I sure hope they give him enough to last a few days when they release him.

I don’t know yet when he will be released or when he will get into rehab. He had another court date today, so I’m hoping to hear good news when he calls tomorrow.

]]> By: Carl http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52373 Carl Wed, 19 Oct 2011 21:10:03 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52373 Diane, I know what you are going through and no one size fits all. Our daughter is completely different when she is not using alcohol and using her meds correctly. We do have some good news. On Thursday of last week we filed a missing person's report. On Saturday morning we had received the police report that the Highway Patrol had picked up our daughter who was walking along the highway the day before the report, and had taken her to our home town and dropped her off. My wife and I spent three days looking for her at the various homeless centers, walking the streets, and showing her missing picture profile. Although this is a different topic, walking with the homeless was an experience. I had no idea the thousands that were being fed, the respect they had for each other, and how thin the line is between the have and the have nots. All ages and genders were represented although men out numbered the women by a 3-1 ratio. Who knows, they may be in a safer environment than us. Enough said. My wife and I were continuously second guessing what we had done by not picking her up. She had no cell phone, only $20, and no friends. On Tuesday we had spoken with the Highway Patrol Officer who said that our daughter looked ok but exhausted, and said she would have a ride when she arrived in our town. What shocked us is our daughter had walked the entire distance, day and night, from Lake Tahoe to Carson City, NV covering nearly 35 miles in temps. in the low 30's and walking through a steep forested mountain pass. She was still missing. Yesterday the local police had recommended that we file a medical warrant with a judge. We gathered her medical records together and decided to visit the local rehab/psych facility where she was once a patient for additional records. For whatever reason, my wife shared our daughter's missing picture profile with one of the secretaries. The secretary left the room with the picture. Ten minutes later I RECEIVED a call from our daughter. She had admitted herself to this rehab program. She was there at this facility. My wife and I were overcome with emotion. Remember she was thrown out of the other facility and walked almost the entire distance to our home town with the exception of the police ride. She told her mother she is going to stay as long as it takes to get well... Although our drama has had a happy ending, we know that for our daughter it is going to take years for her to get over her addiction and to correctly take her meds. What have we learned from this? That we rolled the dice and her guardian angel was there. We could easily have found her in a homeless shelter or receiving that dreadful midnight call from the police. That's what I mean that one size doesn't fit each person's situation. We also know that our daughter is an adult and whatever choice she makes, will have a lasting effect. Like many other parents, we have been through tough emotional times where you begin to second guess one's decision and allow ourselves to become the victim. Its tough being a parent in these situations..too many emotions come into play from their birth to the present day. My wife and I will always be there for our daughter but we will NO longer enable her and reinforce her addictions by giving her money out of our own fear. It would be better to give money to a stranger for their addictions than to give it to your own kids. At least you do not have to feel guilty and fall into their traps. Our daughter may fall off the wagon again but we are praying that we are strong enough to make the right decisions so that we can have a "normal" life.......I will keep everyone posted..... Diane, I know what you are going through and no one size fits all. Our daughter is completely different when she is not using alcohol and using her meds correctly. We do have some good news. On Thursday of last week we filed a missing person’s report. On Saturday morning we had received the police report that the Highway Patrol had picked up our daughter who was walking along the highway the day before the report, and had taken her to our home town and dropped her off. My wife and I spent three days looking for her at the various homeless centers, walking the streets, and showing her missing picture profile. Although this is a different topic, walking with the homeless was an experience. I had no idea the thousands that were being fed, the respect they had for each other, and how thin the line is between the have and the have nots. All ages and genders were represented although men out numbered the women by a 3-1 ratio. Who knows, they may be in a safer environment than us. Enough said.
My wife and I were continuously second guessing what we had done by not picking her up. She had no cell phone, only $20, and no friends. On Tuesday we had spoken with the Highway Patrol Officer who said that our daughter looked ok but exhausted, and said she would have a ride when she arrived in our town. What shocked us is our daughter had walked the entire distance, day and night, from Lake Tahoe to Carson City, NV covering nearly 35 miles in temps. in the low 30′s and walking through a steep forested mountain pass. She was still missing. Yesterday the local police had recommended that we file a medical warrant with a judge. We gathered her medical records together and decided to visit the local rehab/psych facility where she was once a patient for additional records. For whatever reason, my wife shared our daughter’s missing picture profile with one of the secretaries. The secretary left the room with the picture. Ten minutes later I RECEIVED a call from our daughter. She had admitted herself to this rehab program. She was there at this facility. My wife and I were overcome with emotion. Remember she was thrown out of the other facility and walked almost the entire distance to our home town with the exception of the police ride. She told her mother she is going to stay as long as it takes to get well…
Although our drama has had a happy ending, we know that for our daughter it is going to take years for her to get over her addiction and to correctly take her meds. What have we learned from this? That we rolled the dice and her guardian angel was there. We could easily have found her in a homeless shelter or receiving that dreadful midnight call from the police. That’s what I mean that one size doesn’t fit each person’s situation. We also know that our daughter is an adult and whatever choice she makes, will have a lasting effect. Like many other parents, we have been through tough emotional times where you begin to second guess one’s decision and allow ourselves to become the victim. Its tough being a parent in these situations..too many emotions come into play from their birth to the present day. My wife and I will always be there for our daughter but we will NO longer enable her and reinforce her addictions by giving her money out of our own fear. It would be better to give money to a stranger for their addictions than to give it to your own kids. At least you do not have to feel guilty and fall into their traps. Our daughter may fall off the wagon again but we are praying that we are strong enough to make the right decisions so that we can have a “normal” life…….I will keep everyone posted…..

]]> By: Donna http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52345 Donna Wed, 19 Oct 2011 13:34:29 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52345 For me, the hardest thing to accept is how different my son is when he is sober- such a pleasure to be around! It's that knowledge- that he does have a chance for a happy life- that makes it soooo difficult to watch him self-destruct and dig himself deeper into that hole of addiction. I feel so desperate to get him out of that hole. It is so painful to watch what he's doing to himself and his life. The pain is unbearable at times, causing so much emotional distress that has begun to manifest in physical ways (sick more often, heart palpitations, etc..) Whoever previously wrote the phrase, "you're only as happy as your saddest child," hits the nail on the head! For me, the hardest thing to accept is how different my son is when he is sober- such a pleasure to be around! It’s that knowledge- that he does have a chance for a happy life- that makes it soooo difficult to watch him self-destruct and dig himself deeper into that hole of addiction. I feel so desperate to get him out of that hole. It is so painful to watch what he’s doing to himself and his life. The pain is unbearable at times, causing so much emotional distress that has begun to manifest in physical ways (sick more often, heart palpitations, etc..) Whoever previously wrote the phrase, “you’re only as happy as your saddest child,” hits the nail on the head!

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52333 Tanya Wed, 19 Oct 2011 03:16:06 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52333 Diane, I would say the chances are very slim! My son has waited tables at several nice restaurants and it's hard work. He would always bring aprons home to wash and needed new pants, new shoes, new shirts, etc. You have to start somewhere, but I don't see how he could start at a top-rated restaurant without prior experience. My son's first restaurant job was at a Chili's. He hasn't waited tables in a few years now and said it would be difficult for him to get a job at a really nice restaurant because there's a lot of competition and he hasn't had recent experience. Unfortunately, I think your son is telling you what you want to hear. It also doesn't make sense that his car wouldn't be there when he's supposedly working! How stupid do they think we are? I think we just want so badly to believe them. Diane,
I would say the chances are very slim! My son has waited tables at several nice restaurants and it’s hard work. He would always bring aprons home to wash and needed new pants, new shoes, new shirts, etc. You have to start somewhere, but I don’t see how he could start at a top-rated restaurant without prior experience. My son’s first restaurant job was at a Chili’s. He hasn’t waited tables in a few years now and said it would be difficult for him to get a job at a really nice restaurant because there’s a lot of competition and he hasn’t had recent experience. Unfortunately, I think your son is telling you what you want to hear. It also doesn’t make sense that his car wouldn’t be there when he’s supposedly working! How stupid do they think we are? I think we just want so badly to believe them.

]]> By: Diane http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52310 Diane Tue, 18 Oct 2011 18:01:35 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52310 Just another question- he is sticking vehemently that he has this job at a 5 star Zagat rated restaurant- the kind that only seats 15 tables a night, you need reservations 3 months in advance, have to wear jacket and tie. He has never worked in a restaurant, never studied culinary arts or even had a cooking class or even home ec and he can barely boil water at home. What are the chances they would hire him for "kitchen help?" He doesn't know a roux from a stew! I have to say his fake jobs are getting classier though! Just another question- he is sticking vehemently that he has this job at a 5 star Zagat rated restaurant- the kind that only seats 15 tables a night, you need reservations 3 months in advance, have to wear jacket and tie. He has never worked in a restaurant, never studied culinary arts or even had a cooking class or even home ec and he can barely boil water at home. What are the chances they would hire him for “kitchen help?” He doesn’t know a roux from a stew! I have to say his fake jobs are getting classier though!

]]> By: Diane http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52309 Diane Tue, 18 Oct 2011 17:55:29 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52309 To everyone and welcome Carl, I held my ground about kicking my son out for about a week and a half. Then, he started to worm his way back in with the same stories, the same lies, the same pattern and I wanted to believe so much that he was different, seeking help, wanted to change, blah blah blah. I was warned by everyone around me. He is a very accomplished liar. He will look you in the face and he will stick to his story and he will get so incensed if you don't believe him (you don't love me, you believe everything my siblings say but not me, you are marginalizing me, you are vindictive, you want me to die out there, you make me lie just to survive etc) he has a million of them. I let him back because he is now on a restricted license for two months and he has a lot of court costs and DMV costs associated with his OWVI. He says if he is put in jail he will hang himself something he has "tried" before. Then, two days ago he was broadsided in his car and it completely smashed up the driver side rear door. He told us the accident happened in one location but we found out it was very close to all his "haunts". He says not his fault, the other driver got the ticket so we asked for the police report which he has yet to produce. We fully expect to get his ticket in the mail. He did not have collision on this car so we got the wheels fixed and made sure it runs - but what a smashed up looking heap. We had just put 2500 in his car so that he could go to Florida for a job - a trip he never took. Now, he says he has a job at the top restaurant in the state. He is a prep cook but they of course love him and want him to wait tables- his prep cook job pays at least $30,000/yr and if he waits table it goes up to $80,000. All these numbers are courtesy of him. He says he got the job because the head chef hangs in the bars he frequents and he has this connection. Mind you, he can produce no proof, no schedule, W2 form, ID badge, apron, nothing. We've been driving out there when he says he is working but his car is never there so he says he is riding with the head chef who conveniently has the same hours as he does. He also says he is starting a second job with the airlines on Monday - also well-paying but we just got a message that they would like to set up an interview - when I confonted him about that lie - he told me that he knows he will get it. I guess he's just that awesome. So, the last two nights he's been sleeping here - comes in at 4 am knowing that I won't kick him out because he is drunk and on restricted license; we have found 3 bottles; he comes in reeking of booze and obviously hopped up on something; he is using my computer to check work related emails but the history is full of the adult webcam and porn sites. All of these things are violating the contract I wrote up and he signed that if we helped through to the first of the year he would work, pay his fines and work on his debts, save enough for some kind of car, never drink in our home, be in by 11 on weeknights or 12 on weekends unless working, no more porn on our computers, and no more lying to us. He has violated all provisions of this contract in less than 12 hours time! Truly unbelievable since he cried and begged to be let in so he won't have to sleep in his car -he has a place to go with a family friend to sleep but he finds it unacceptable. I feel like I let my family down again because I bought his line of bull and I convinced everybody I had the situation well in hand and he could sleep here for a few months while he worked and settled some things. He doesn't intend to work and settle things he just keeps making them worse and worse. I threw him out again this morning - He told me he will die on the streets or in jail. He is trying to make me (the weakest link) responsible for his messes and his choices and to compromise our lives, marriage, peace and sanity and future to his terrible addiction and babyfied approach to his own life. As you said Carl, punishment - they try to punish us when we won't be used or when we won't enable any longer. This time standing firm and true (the fourth time I've written that on this site). Peace and Hugs diane To everyone and welcome Carl,

I held my ground about kicking my son out for about a week and a half. Then, he started to worm his way back in with the same stories, the same lies, the same pattern and I wanted to believe so much that he was different, seeking help, wanted to change, blah blah blah. I was warned by everyone around me.

He is a very accomplished liar. He will look you in the face and he will stick to his story and he will get so incensed if you don’t believe him (you don’t love me, you believe everything my siblings say but not me, you are marginalizing me, you are vindictive, you want me to die out there, you make me lie just to survive etc) he has a million of them. I let him back because he is now on a restricted license for two months and he has a lot of court costs and DMV costs associated with his OWVI.

He says if he is put in jail he will hang himself something he has “tried” before. Then, two days ago he was broadsided in his car and it completely smashed up the driver side rear door. He told us the accident happened in one location but we found out it was very close to all his “haunts”. He says not his fault, the other driver got the ticket so we asked for the police report which he has yet to produce. We fully expect to get his ticket in the mail. He did not have collision on this car so we got the wheels fixed and made sure it runs – but what a smashed up looking heap. We had just put 2500 in his car so that he could go to Florida for a job – a trip he never took.

Now, he says he has a job at the top restaurant in the state. He is a prep cook but they of course love him and want him to wait tables- his prep cook job pays at least $30,000/yr and if he waits table it goes up to $80,000. All these numbers are courtesy of him. He says he got the job because the head chef hangs in the bars he frequents and he has this connection. Mind you, he can produce no proof, no schedule, W2 form, ID badge, apron, nothing. We’ve been driving out there when he says he is working but his car is never there so he says he is riding with the head chef who conveniently has the same hours as he does. He also says he is starting a second job with the airlines on Monday – also well-paying but we just got a message that they would like to set up an interview – when I confonted him about that lie – he told me that he knows he will get it. I guess he’s just that awesome.

So, the last two nights he’s been sleeping here – comes in at 4 am knowing that I won’t kick him out because he is drunk and on restricted license; we have found 3 bottles; he comes in reeking of booze and obviously hopped up on something; he is using my computer to check work related emails but the history is full of the adult webcam and porn sites. All of these things are violating the contract I wrote up and he signed that if we helped through to the first of the year he would work, pay his fines and work on his debts, save enough for some kind of car, never drink in our home, be in by 11 on weeknights or 12 on weekends unless working, no more porn on our computers, and no more lying to us. He has violated all provisions of this contract in less than 12 hours time!

Truly unbelievable since he cried and begged to be let in so he won’t have to sleep in his car -he has a place to go with a family friend to sleep but he finds it unacceptable. I feel like I let my family down again because I bought his line of bull and I convinced everybody I had the situation well in hand and he could sleep here for a few months while he worked and settled some things. He doesn’t intend to work and settle things he just keeps making them worse and worse.

I threw him out again this morning – He told me he will die on the streets or in jail. He is trying to make me (the weakest link) responsible for his messes and his choices and to compromise our lives, marriage, peace and sanity and future to his terrible addiction and babyfied approach to his own life. As you said Carl, punishment – they try to punish us when we won’t be used or when we won’t enable any longer. This time standing firm and true (the fourth time I’ve written that on this site). Peace and Hugs
diane

]]> By: Carl http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52226 Carl Sat, 15 Oct 2011 05:23:57 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52226 Tanya, We had no idea that this site existed until today. I am currently reading each response and also yours. We also experienced some of the same situations as you have with Alanon, AA , and therapists. We feel the pain that you are having. Your son has had a very difficult journey. Our daughter has been in two expensive rehab programs and one on a sliding scale based on her income. What I have learned is that many of the counselors are recovering addicts but have never experienced the pain of a parent. It is not their fault, it's just the way it is. I am beginning to learn It really is about choices and the journey the child endures. The least expensive program can be the most successful if and when the addict is ready. My wife and I are our best therapists for each other because we have been married nearly 40 years and love and care for our daughter. We are feeling the pain and we are caught in that emotional box. No matter who the parent is, we all want what is best for our child. This blog is helping me emotionally as well as our friends in our inner circle. Having read through many of these blogs, I know we are guilty of enabling our child often out of fear. We are so concern about are daughter's safety and are waiting to hear from her.....You have said what our friends have shared with us that she is punishing us for not allowing her to move back in with us.........Thank you for sharing with us... Tanya,
We had no idea that this site existed until today. I am currently reading each response and also yours. We also experienced some of the same situations as you have with Alanon, AA , and therapists. We feel the pain that you are having. Your son has had a very difficult journey. Our daughter has been in two expensive rehab programs and one on a sliding scale based on her income. What I have learned is that many of the counselors are recovering addicts but have never experienced the pain of a parent. It is not their fault, it’s just the way it is. I am beginning to learn It really is about choices and the journey the child endures. The least expensive program can be the most successful if and when the addict is ready. My wife and I are our best therapists for each other because we have been married nearly 40 years and love and care for our daughter. We are feeling the pain and we are caught in that emotional box. No matter who the parent is, we all want what is best for our child. This blog is helping me emotionally as well as our friends in our inner circle. Having read through many of these blogs, I know we are guilty of enabling our child often out of fear. We are so concern about are daughter’s safety and are waiting to hear from her…..You have said what our friends have shared with us that she is punishing us for not allowing her to move back in with us………Thank you for sharing with us…

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52222 Tanya Sat, 15 Oct 2011 03:04:51 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52222 Carl, I'm so sorry for you and your wife. I empathize with you because I know how difficult this is. We have been in similar situations with our son where we anticipated he would make the "right" decisions and he didn't. I pray your daughter is safe and she will stop denying her addiction and ask for help. Perhaps she is punishing you for not going along with her plans to move back in with you. She can't live with you-- not with her history of being physically abusive and also because she can't be trusted to follow your rules. I wish I knew the answer, but unfortunately I can only listen and feel your pain. I don't have the answers for my situation with my son either. I just pray you find your daughter and she decides she wants help. Good luck. Carl,
I’m so sorry for you and your wife. I empathize with you because I know how difficult this is. We have been in similar situations with our son where we anticipated he would make the “right” decisions and he didn’t. I pray your daughter is safe and she will stop denying her addiction and ask for help. Perhaps she is punishing you for not going along with her plans to move back in with you. She can’t live with you– not with her history of being physically abusive and also because she can’t be trusted to follow your rules. I wish I knew the answer, but unfortunately I can only listen and feel your pain. I don’t have the answers for my situation with my son either. I just pray you find your daughter and she decides she wants help. Good luck.

]]> By: Carl http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52215 Carl Fri, 14 Oct 2011 20:45:08 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52215 Were we too harsh? We have a 29 year old daughter who has been an alcoholic since high school. She is college educated, attractive, and has traveled and worked around the world. She has been diagnosed with a mental condition and is on medication but we also have been told that it may be attributed to her chemical dependency. She often refuses to take her medication and drinks excessively. During the past several years she has lived at home and is unable to maintain a job. We are supporting her and unfortunately her habit as she sneaks and hides her bottles. She was recently sent to jail because she physically attacked our other daughter when she was visiting us. She has physically attacked both my wife and I and she can also be verbally abusive when she drinks. Earlier this year she had completed a 30 and a 90 day rehab program. Both times she went back to drinking. Meanwhile, we bailed her out of jail after 24 days. We believed the jail time would be a wake up call. Prior to her release she was in agreement to go to another rehab center for 30 days and then go into a sober/transitional living arrangement about 60 miles from our house. She was also informed that she couldn't stay at our house again until she was clean. She lasted 5 days at the treatment facility. Unknown to us, she had several drinks before arriving at the treatment center where she tested positive. We had driven her there. She later refused to follow their program and became verbally abusive toward them. She was recommended to go to their other treament center which was more restrictive. She refused, was asked to leave, and she called us up to take her home. On the phone with us she denied that she had a drinking problem. We tried to encourage her to go to the other treatment center but she said she's done with these treament facilities. We said she couldn't come home. Her mother tried to speak with her but she hung up on my wife. We told her we would not pick her up to come home. Afterwords, my wife suggested to me that we drive my daughter's car and my car to the treatment center with her clothes packed and we would tell her to figure it out and leave. I suggested that we wait, and that evening if necessary, she could sleep in one of the local casinos. My thinking was that she would either try to go back to the treatment center with an apology or she would agree to the more restrictive facility and call us back. She did neither and took off with no cell phone a small suitcase, and $20. We haven't heard from her in three days and yesterday we did file a missing person's report with the police. We are now concerned for her personal safety. If she was given the car, my wife said that she would be so angry that she might be drinking and driving which she has done before. Now I am second guessing my decision and both my wife and I are extremly upset and are having difficulties holding back the tears. We have no way of contacting her nor would we permit her to move back with us because of the abuses. We would sincerely appreciate any comments and ask anyone if this was too drastic to leave a daughter stranded like this? Were we too harsh? We have a 29 year old daughter who has been an alcoholic since high school. She is college educated, attractive, and has traveled and worked around the world. She has been diagnosed with a mental condition and is on medication but we also have been told that it may be attributed to her chemical dependency. She often refuses to take her medication and drinks excessively. During the past several years she has lived at home and is unable to maintain a job.
We are supporting her and unfortunately her habit as she sneaks and hides her bottles. She was recently sent to jail because she physically attacked our other daughter when she was visiting us. She has physically attacked both my wife and I and she can also be verbally abusive when she drinks. Earlier this year she had completed a 30 and a 90 day rehab program. Both times she went back to drinking.
Meanwhile, we bailed her out of jail after 24 days. We believed the jail time would be a wake up call. Prior to her release she was in agreement to go to another rehab center for 30 days and then go into a sober/transitional living arrangement about 60 miles from our house. She was also informed that she couldn’t stay at our house again until she was clean. She lasted 5 days at the treatment facility. Unknown to us, she had several drinks before arriving at the treatment center where she tested positive. We had driven her there. She later refused to follow their program and became verbally abusive toward them. She was recommended to go to their other treament center which was more restrictive. She refused, was asked to leave, and she called us up to take her home. On the phone with us she denied that she had a drinking problem. We tried to encourage her to go to the other treatment center but she said she’s done with these treament facilities. We said she couldn’t come home. Her mother tried to speak with her but she hung up on my wife. We told her we would not pick her up to come home. Afterwords, my wife suggested to me that we drive my daughter’s car and my car to the treatment center with her clothes packed and we would tell her to figure it out and leave. I suggested that we wait, and that evening if necessary, she could sleep in one of the local casinos. My thinking was that she would either try to go back to the treatment center with an apology or she would agree to the more restrictive facility and call us back. She did neither and took off with no cell phone a small suitcase, and $20. We haven’t heard from her in three days and yesterday we did file a missing person’s report with the police. We are now concerned for her personal safety. If she was given the car, my wife said that she would be so angry that she might be drinking and driving which she has done before. Now I am second guessing my decision and both my wife and I are extremly upset and are having difficulties holding back the tears. We have no way of contacting her nor would we permit her to move back with us because of the abuses.
We would sincerely appreciate any comments and ask anyone if this was too drastic to leave a daughter stranded like this?

]]> By: Tanya http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52193 Tanya Thu, 13 Oct 2011 03:48:49 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/2008/02/18/freeing-the-parents-of-adult-alcoholics-and-addicts/#comment-52193 It is sad, isn't it? We're no doubt all from middle class families who work hard, pay our bills and struggle to make life better for the next generation. Our other children (for the most part) are hard-working and self-supporting. We berate ourselves for failing this child who is an addict and and feel guilty for somehow failing them. There never seem to be any answers for our particular, unique situation. We're dammed if we do and dammed if we don't. Money goes in and nothing comes out-- rehabs don't seem to work and promises are made and broken as often as the seasons change. I believe that I've brought a "gift" into the world and yet the liability outweighs this precious gift. Nothing but trouble and heartache for so many years. He knows his chances of getting and staying sober are slim. But it seems that he does nothing to increase his chances for success. It's just a sad story that never seems to get resolved. It is sad, isn’t it? We’re no doubt all from middle class families who work hard, pay our bills and struggle to make life better for the next generation. Our other children (for the most part) are hard-working and self-supporting. We berate ourselves for failing this child who is an addict and and feel guilty for somehow failing them. There never seem to be any answers for our particular, unique situation. We’re dammed if we do and dammed if we don’t. Money goes in and nothing comes out– rehabs don’t seem to work and promises are made and broken as often as the seasons change. I believe that I’ve brought a “gift” into the world and yet the liability outweighs this precious gift. Nothing but trouble and heartache for so many years. He knows his chances of getting and staying sober are slim. But it seems that he does nothing to increase his chances for success.
It’s just a sad story that never seems to get resolved.

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