Dating and the Perfection Trap
April 26th, 2012
By John Sovec, LMFT, LGBT Issues (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) Topic Expert Contributor
Lets face it, dating is tough. And it can be even tougher when the people on the date are two men. Why? Because men tend to be extremely visual in their sexual response mode, and when two men get together on a date it can quickly become a high-pressure perfection competition.
First dates are always a challenge to begin with, but when you add in the pressure of acting and appearing perfect it can take that stress and raise it to a whole new level. Suddenly, being yourself is not enough, and a cycle of self-doubt and questioning your value takes over the evening.
This is how the evening plays out. You are on one of those dates where everything seems to go perfectly. The meal is extraordinary. The lighting perfect. The mood enchanting because sitting across from you is a heavenly creature who sets your pulse to racing. As you gaze into those dreamy eyes floating in that divine face sitting across from you, the fears of the world seem to melt away.
Everything is perfect; except you begin to notice something is off with you. As the conversation continues, you realize that you are not being yourself. You find yourself agreeing that you adore cats when in truth you are highly allergic to them. With reasoned intellect, your date states an absolute resistance to ever being a parent and raising children. You emphatically agree that children are a nuisance and the farthest thing from your mind, when in truth having a family of five is one of your lifelong dreams. What’s going on? This isn’t you.
As the date continues, you may notice that you are feeling physically awkward, trying to hold a pose and create an appearance of perfection. You may feel your pulse begin to race as your anxiety builds. Inside of your head, you beat yourself up because you feel you are not good enough for the person sitting across from you.
The desire to appear flawless, the pressure to be both physically and intellectually perfect, creates a false version of you, which is not the way to build the foundation of a strong relationship. When you cannot be your genuine self with the person to whom you are attracted, you put yourself in a submissive position. You end up feeling “less than.”
This suppression of your true self, a total disregard for your beliefs and ideals, creates a false sense of connection with another that is impossible to maintain over a long period of time. Eventually, you will have to take off your mask, let down the façade, and reveal the real you, with all of your faults and foibles. It is at this point that many relationships begin to hit the skids and fall apart.
Start with honesty right there on that first date. Being you is enough. Exuding a sense of self-confidence by being comfortable in your own skin can be an incredible turn on. It makes the date more fun, more relaxed, and more “real” for both of you.
If you find yourself getting lost in what you think your date wants you to be, excuse yourself from the table, walk to the bathroom, and take a good look in the mirror. Remind yourself of your most valued qualities. Remember the amazing and unique energy that you bring to the world. Hold yourself in high esteem and regard.
To set the foundation for an authentically deep connection that can lead to a long and loving relationship, you must risk being yourself at the beginning of a romance. If that’s not enough for the person sitting across from you, better for you to know it on the first date.
Related articles:
People Pleasing and Looking for Mr./Ms. Right
Pleasing Others to Escape the Bad Person Feeling
Making It Work: Foundations of a Strong LGBT Relationship
©Copyright 2012 by John Sovec, LMFT, therapist in Pasadena, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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9 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
I have seen this quite a bit in the circles that I travel in, men who seem like they are one thing when in reality they are just like you and me.
The best thing that you can do on any date, make or female, is enjoy the chance to be yourself and maybe make a special connection with someone else.
If it works out, you might have just found that exact right partner that you have been looking for. But if you are not sshowing him the real you, then the connection obviously is never going to last.
don’t think that it is any harder for two men to go on a date than it is for two females or a man and a woman
let’s face it: dating is hard work and we make it even harder by trying to project this perfect stylized version of ourselves that just isn’t who we are
i always wonder why we do so muvh of this
it should be about putting your best foot forward, not your fake foot forward
If you are with the right person then you won’t feel that need to pretend or lie about who you are.
When it comes right down to it the only person we can really be is ourselves and no matter how me may try to disguise that from others, eventually our true self will demand to be seen.
By presenting yourself honestly from the start you save a lot of hurt and disappointment.
Oh my God! I go through this all the time! I try to look and seem so very perfect with somebody I’m interested in and yes, I have also ended up agreeing to things that I don’t really agree upon(smaller things like liking a sport,etc).
But it is true that you should be yourself and that no strong relationship can be built by pretending to be something you’re not.
I shall try the talking to myself if this happens to me again. Thank you for the article!
Um has someone been following me around on my dates, because some of these statements vividly remind me of some recent dates. I guess I am too busy trying to please the other person that sometimes I get kinda lost along the way. I am not sure why I do that because beforehand I am always so confident and tell myself to just be myself, that I can do it, until I can’t. I start, not telling lies, but I guess just being someone that I am not. I am not sure how I ever really think that somehting is going to develop out of those kids of untruths, but I do it again and again. What is going on here?
Such a shame that so many of us feel like we can’t be ourselves with other people. Whta has happened that has torn down our self esteem in such a way that we can’t be honest and open with others while on a date?
This is the time that we have to learn about ourselves and others, but that’s not going to be quite so easy when we don’t appreciate who we are now enough to learn and grow more.
it’s a wonder that we keep dating at all!
Really. I stoppped dating years ago. Who needs it?
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