How Guilty Do You Feel?
October 14th, 2008 |
By Barbi Pecenco Kolski, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern
Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
People often come into therapy talking about what bad people they are and go on to describe the “horrible” things they have done. Their language is often extremely pathologizing and they feel they deserve to beat themselves up. They are filled with shame, believing that their behavior shows what a bad person they are.
A good therapist will listen in a nonjudgmental way and help the person to see that a person is not their behavior. We are so much more than our behavior. I also like to explain to clients the difference between “healthy guilt”, “neurotic guilt” and “shame”. When we experience healthy guilt, we are essentially saying, “Ok, I messed up. I violated a value that I have that says….blacking out, cheating on my boyfriend, lying to my parents, you fill in the blank…is wrong. I am not happy with this behavior, so I need to take some steps to self-correct.”
When we feel healthy guilt, we recognize our behavior is hurtful to ourselves and others and we have the self-esteem to take the steps to change our behavior and get back to what we value. However, when we feel shame for our behavior, we get stuck in believing ourselves to be bad people. We can’t even take steps to correct our behavior because we feel way too horrible about ourselves.
Shame is a symptom of self-hate and hating ourselves never helps us. Feeling healthy guilt, on the other hand, is a normal, healthy response. There is another form of guilt that is not as debilitating as shame, but not good for us. This is “neurotic guilt”. This form of guilt can be easily confused with the more productive kind of healthy guilt, because we really feel that we failed or violated one of our values and that we deserve to feel guilty. But this usually consists more of risking someone being unhappy with us.
For example, if my husband wants to me go out with him on a Friday night when I am completely drained from my week at work, and I say no, but sit home the whole night feeling guilty about it, that is neurotic guilt. I don’t feel entitled to say no in order to take care of myself, and am very uncomfortable risking his disapproval. This is a symptom of being a people-pleaser, where we put others’ wants and needs above our own and when we actually try to stand up for ourselves or take care of ourselves, our neurotic guilt kicks in.
I advise people to treat themselves gently, to take good care of themselves, and to stop beating themselves up for their behavior. Once we stop hating themselves, or wallowing in neurotic guilt, we can begin to see what caused us to behave in a way that we are disappointed in. Treating ourselves the way we would treat our best friend can help us get some perspective in this situation. We would never use the pathologizing language with our friends that we do with ourselves. We would not judge our friends as harshly as we do ourselves. We usually believe our friends to be “good” people who make mistakes. Why can’t we see ourselves in such a forgiving light?
If you are stuck in self-hate or people-pleasing instead of self-care and are finding it difficult to change behaviors that you feel are hurting you, consider therapy and counseling to help you get beyond self-hate or neuroticism and to nurture yourself. A good therapist can teach you to recognize the difference between shame, neurotic guilt, and healthy guilt and help you make better sense of your behaviors.
©Copyright 2008 by Barbi Pecenco Kolski, Marriage & Family Therapist Intern. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
12 comments so far
It seems the more things we have piled upon us to do and get completed the guiltier we all feel that we cannot get them all done. Why is that?
The advice that we need to treat ourselves gently was so powerful for me. I grew up in a home that definitely did not treat family members in a kind and gentle way so that was never modeled for me or any of my siblings. This is something that has to be taught and learned and we were not given that as children and young adults. So this advice to treat ourselves gently is something that I struggle with every day. From the way I treat my own children to the things I say to myself when I look in the mirror, there is always room to be kind and gentler in the things we do and say. Thanks so much for the healthy advice- I am trying to infuse this into my attitude every step of the way today, and hereafter!
Hi Regina,
Congratulations for teaching yourself a new way of being that you never learned. It is a true gift to yourself and to your children.
All the best,
Barbi Pecenco, MA
http://www.sdcouplestherapy.com
I used to do this to myself till I went into therapy recently. It started when I broke off a relationship with a boyfriend who had a drinking problem. When I had problems in my pregnancy and was advised bedrest my husband had an affair with a friend of his and I felt guilty thinking it was all my fault. Today I have forgiven my husband but have stopped feeling guilty or punishing myself emotionally for the decisions I took in my life.
Guilt can eat away at the soul and leave you feeling worse than you ever have before. It is never a good thing to hold on to this. It can corrupt who you really are and really mess with your head! There is no time like the present to get rid of all of the guilt within you, whether it is via therapy or other means for letting it all go. I have even read that carrying around an enormous stress like this can even harm your physical as well as mental health.
My dad is the most annoying person I know. He never feels guilty for anything and has walked over my mom and a lot of other people all his life. He has only 1 grandchild and doesnt think it necessary to remember anything with regards to that child. I think he needs therapy…we simply cant unravel his hard, cold heart!!
Life certainly can seem very unfair at times. We weren’t ever promised a rose garden. We are promised the assurance of salvation and eternal life by our Lord and Saviour Christ Jesus. Yes, all of us in the end will be filled with true and complete knowledge of what the real “bread of life” is.
That is all up to him Kate. When or if he is ever ready to do it he will. Until then there is probably nothing you can ever do or say that will change who he is on the inside. He has to make those choices for himself.
Treat ourselves the way we treat our best friend. Great advice!
guilt is just a waste of time and emotion. Just let it go and vow to do better the next time around.
I have had guilt so many times and it is not a good feeling. I hate it… It or I eventually let it go. Life is rough and there will be mistakes… we are human, but we need to learn to let go.
Guilt is so confusing, especially when you dont know why you did what you did. Maybe if I can figure it out, I could finally let it go.