Shutting Out A Family Member
January 20th, 2010
By Lynne Silva-Breen, MDiv, MA, LMFT, Family Therapy Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Lynne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Family harmony is a dream we all share. Wouldn’t it be great if we could function day to day like our favorite families on television? Sure, life would come along with a one-two punch, but because we are so connected, in sync, funny and resilient, by the end of the day we would land on our feet, together. Whether you relate more to the family of “The Cosby Show”, “Malcolm in the Middle”, or “Family Guy”, those families always come out wiser and still united in the end.
Real families aren’t so predictable. Marriage, child rearing, going to work, moving across the country, cleaning the house, going to school, loaning or borrowing money, having medical problems, dealing with one another’s moods; this is family life. It’s a messy marathon, and some of us find the experience more painful than others. Into some families comes divorce, or alcoholism, or mental illness. Perhaps poverty or abuse. These families struggle to be connected and have positive relationships. And with enough pain, some of us walk away from our families and never look back.
There are times when it is wise to create some emotional distance from our relatives. We don’t need to be intensely involved with every member of our family all the time. Our family systems have their own sense of rhythm, and closeness and distance is one of those human emotional processes that moves us in toward each other, and then away from each other over time, in the natural dance of maintaining manageable emotional energy. We all do it, and it is a function of every close relationship we have.
Some of us have the experience of deliberately cutting off connection, particularly with one or both of our parents, for an extended period of time. We have another argument, the phone gets slammed down, and something inside us closes. We have run out of energy to explain, defend, and extend ourselves and we just need to give ourselves a rest from that intensity. Such periods of distance and recovery are common in families. You may be in one of those periods right now. It may feel like a burden has lifted, and you vow you’ll never go through that, whatever that was, again.
But here’s the thing: while shorter times of disconnect won’t interfere in your life, years of emotional shunning or cut-off can. When we cut out a key family relationship from our life, it takes quite a bit of energy to keep hold that emotional door closed. And the emotional energy that that relationship could potentially provide us is gone. While the bad stuff isn’t active, neither is anything that could be positive. We compensate for that missing support, interaction and connection by leaning more heavily on other close relationships, like our marriage, our children, and our job. Our other relationships can take the extra expectations for awhile, but they can’t provide extra emotional stability indefinitely. Those relationships can get stressed. And then instead of one cut-off, people can find that they are being distanced or shut out by other key relationships. Loneliness, isolation, and distress can erupt, seemingly, “out of nowhere.”
We are better balanced human beings when we strive to maintain some measure of openness and connection with all the key people in our family system. It’s like the water pipes that feed my basement sink. In Minnesota, winter temperatures can dip well below zero. I’ve discovered that when the temps are that low, the pipes to that sink can freeze. And frozen water pipes are one problem I don’t want to have.
So I have learned that if I keep the faucets slightly dripping on the coldest of nights, I prevent a huge problem. Drip, drip, drip: that’s all it takes to keep my pipes working. Drip, drip, drip is all the energy you really need to expend to keep connected to the most difficult family members in your own life. You don’t need to open your emotional “faucets” very far to prevent your own emotional system from freezing up.
This can look like a birthday card, a call on Christmas, an invitation to a baptism. It can mean returning an email graciously, showing up for an anniversary dinner, knowing your parent’s cell phone number. It means simple connection, the kind that keeps families functioning, particularly at times of high anxiety or emergency. You don’t want to have the first connection you have with your mother for years be in the Intensive Care Unit of her local hospital.
It boils down to this: we need each other, particularly our core family members, to be in our emotional world. Don’t cut someone off from your life completely. The relief you feel is short lived, and the pain can last a lifetime.
©Copyright 2010 by Lynne Silva-Breen, MDiv, MA, LMFT, therapist in Burnsville, MN. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
I had such a great home life when I was growing up that it is hard for me to imagine cutting those family ties. They give me strength and support when I need it, and without them I would not have half of the great memories of growing up that I do.
But I realize that I was fortunate in the family that I was dealt- not everyone gets that lucky in life. That is why I am thankful everyday for what I have and that encourages me to do the same for my own children.
I really dont understand how people can not only stay away from their family but also push them out of their minds… I cannot do that at all. I moved into a different city when I went to college and just missed my folks all the time. I would see them as often as possible. Well, its all different for different people I guess.
This is definitely a process that is easier said than done. No matter what you do the influences and memories of your family will always be there and there iis little that you can do to get away from that. I know that there are some people who have a very good reason for wanting to stay away from their families. Abuse in the past etc. But there are other reasons that are silly- moving away for example. There are beautiful ways that you can still stay in touch no matter how far apart u live. I just think that sometimes people come up with excuses to stay away because they perceive that this makes life easier for them, when the reality is that a family can be a great support system for anyone willing to allow it to be that and that would be sad to miss out on all of that.
I just think a person is not complete without his family. Yes, individuality is important but family and the support and all the feeling you have about the family are equally important too.
We often feel sorry for a child who has lost even one of his parents. This is because he is now devoid of all the support and love from that one parent…it takes plenty of love and support for an individual to develop to great heights.
Having family in our lives is an indeed a powerful and beneficial addition to our existence. Having that love and support is something to treasure because indeed many do not have it. I have heard many an individual share pain in their family of origin — whether it be physical / sexual abuse, emotional, and so forth. I have not personally experienced that type of pain and yet can understand why others would appropriately set a boundary. Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT
Each of your comments is a testimony to the critical importance of family, particularly parents, in our lives.
Reflecting on that, you can imagine the kind of damage bad or indifferent parenting can create in the developing child. Adults are burdened with a searing sexual responsibility — their sexual behavior can result in the conception of a new person.
Sex, parenting, family, children, mental health. It really is all connected. You can see how those who aren’t ready or willing to manage those connections can really get family life screwed up.
Sometimes certain family members can be such a constant source of pain…be it disrespect, dishonesty, lack of appreciation…etc….that cutting them and their negative energy out of your life may be the only way to be happy and stay sane.
Certain friends are often more of family than our own family members. The old “blood is thicker than water” adage is not always true.
I agree with Anne. After years of people-pleasing in my family and being the scape-goat, I threw in the towel and cut them off. When you are struggling emotionally and yearning for support and acceptance and instead you get labeled as “selfish” and guilt and shame is given to you instead, why keep that in your life? When the negative energy outweighs the positive, I think it’s time to rethink that relationship whomever it may be with. To me, the energy of having to just put up with it all, not being able to be me and vulnerable, not receiving the emotional support I needed in time of need, wasn’t worth it anymore. Too taxing. Free myself up to allow for love in my life, beginning with self-love and acceptance. If someone really loves you ( and knows how to love or is willing to learn how) they will accept you and listen to you through good and bad times…my family is all about pretense…most of us suffer in silence and isolation but then get together for Christmas and pretend we are all a happy family. Absolute BS! I am thankful that I have my mother, husband that I can be real with and a few friends too. My goal is to incorporate a niece (who I helped raise) and as many other people in my life who are willing and capable to have genuine relationships where I feel free to be me, strengths and challenges, as does the other person. Someone who will talk and I will listen and vice versa. That is the goal. I pray that it comes my way, I would be ever do blessed and grateful.
My mother lives with my step father who not only beat her for years but also molested me. She is very unstable emotionally. Has distored views of the world and other people for obvious reasons. She uses drugs and alcohol. she is suicidal. the list is ad infinitum. She has continuously betrayed me not only has a child but well into my adulthood. She is a very disturbed woman and needs to be in a treatment program but refuses to go and stick with it. I now have an infant son of my own. I would never subject him to what I know she is capabale of and the level of abuse she doles out to everyone around her. I think it is great there are good close families but when you come from such a wreched family yourself and you finally get out…trust me…you leave, take your chances, and you never look back.
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