Working Through the Past: How Family of Origin Work Can Be Life Changing
January 23rd, 2009 |
By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
My psychotherapy practice has always revolved around family of origin work in some way – and I’m very passionate about the work itself. Watching people make deep, fundamental shifts in how they view themselves and the world is powerful to observe – and potentially life changing for them.
So what is family of origin work?
I define “family of origin work” as the exploration of a person’s experiences with parents and/or primary caregivers to uncover unhelpful belief systems (core beliefs) negatively impacting their adult functioning.
Examples of Unhelpful Belief Systems:
- I’m unlovable.
- People can’t be trusted.
- I have to be perfect.
Problematic belief systems can be like a dark veil that obscures people’s vision of life and their place in it. They can be at the root at a number of different scenarios that brings people to seek therapy.
Examples of problematic core beliefs and the ways they might manifest themselves:
- “I’m unlovable” can yield depression, anxiety and/or a pattern of abusive relationships.
- “People can’t be trusted” can yield anxiety, depression, pattern of inability to let guard down in relationships and/or emotional unavailability.
- “I have to be perfect” can yield anxiety, stress, struggle with life balance and pattern of high expectations of others in relationships.
The good news is that core beliefs can be “unlearned” and conditioning doesn’t have to be permanent. People can change their perceptions and put on a new shade of sunglasses in which to view themselves, others and the world.
So how does one work through hurtful family of origin experiences?
Here’s a rough outline of how I help my clients process their stories and change any negative impact they have on them now:
- Talk about the experience.
- Be realistic about how the experience might have impacted them. This might mean carefully dropping defense mechanisms.
- Get back in touch with the feelings they had – and might have dismissed – at that time.
- Learn to provide empathy for themselves.
- Identify problematic core beliefs and their triggers.
- Challenge those beliefs when they come up in the everyday automatic thinking process.
- Be patient and consistent with implementing change.
For deep wounds, I recommend doing this type of work with the guidance of a therapist. Find someone in your area who does family of origin style therapy or counseling.
©Copyright 2008 by Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
I am a bit of a perfectionist by nature and I never realised I could be forcing my nature onto my child in kindergarten. Reading this article made me realise some wrong parenting moves I’ve been doing. It was an amazing eye opener.
I think my parents forced me to be a “good child”. I was so scared of displeasing them that I grew up without any friends or the pleasurable pursuits of childhood. I used to make sure I never played hard or long lest I dirty my dress and when I was a teenager I had no dates and no prom dance. Today I feel miserable and so bound. I feel like I was forced into a exoskeleton called the Do’s of life. This article made me realise I need to break free atleast now in my adult life.
My parents never forced me to do something or trying to convince me to think somethink. They just explained me everything and it was up to me to decide what to do. now I am quite happy. I never felt being commanded by annyone and have no problems with this. I think my parents actually read similar article when I was born. Luckily…
I think that the family of origin work is very interesting. But is there a time during this type of therapy where clients are encouraged to let go of those old patterns and become the person they are inside and not who they were dictated to become by their families growing up? I think that too many times adults hold on to negative ideas that were given to them during childhood and refuse to let go of them even though they have grown up and moved on. Hopefully family of orgin therapy is what they need to give them the strength to recognize this and to move on beyond the negative.
How wonderful to see all of the above comments to my article! Thank you!
Matthew: Yes, family of origin work is all about helping people get unstuck from old negative belief patterns! Though the process certainly involves “going back there” to address what went on – the ultimate goal is to reshape core beliefs into more productive and healthy ones – to improve overall functioning in the present and future.
Mike: Lucky you! Kudos to your parents!
Kate: You are not alone. I’ve worked with many people like you – who are still “run by” parent’s expectations. You can absolutely break free from this. Go find a good therapist and do it!
Lisa: Your child will benefit from this!!! Perfectionism is a trait that is so often passed down – and it doesn’t need to be. Your awareness of this being a potential problem is a great first step. Your child is still young enough for your changes to have a tremendous impact!
Thanks so much for work like this. It makes me realize just how important every word I speak and every action toward my child never go ignored. They will reside in her and help to shape who she is from now until the very end. This inspires me to be a better parent and role model and I hope that there are others out there for whom it will do the same.
An extremely eye opening article. We all have our own concept of the done thing which is a boundary we lay for our children. Most people when they look back dispassionately about the prejudices, fears and negativity in them, the source generally stems from childhood. Things parents and grandparents, teachers and adults assosciated with that child pass on.
Good article!!
Teresa – Yes, it is so important we stay mindful of the messages (direct or indirect) we send out to our children!
Irene – Yes, unfortunately negative belief systems learned from childhood have a tendency to be passed on.
Bruce – Thanks! Glad you liked it!
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
Creator of The Toolbox