Expecting Surprises
September 2nd, 2008 |
A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC
Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
“NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition.” – Monty Python
Tuesday was not really a day that I foresaw throwing me any major “surprises.” It would be a mellow one, with little planned outside of my favorite yoga class. The universe, obviously, had something else in store for me. Of course, you don’t see surprises coming. That’s the point.
I strolled into yoga class. (Okay, I was running a bit late. So, here’s the reality. I probably plowed through the door.) Nevertheless, I was grounded and ready for class with one of my “favorite” teachers, in a class that, certainly, stretches me beyond my mental and physical limits. The class was familiar, known, and one that I have a certain “attachment” to.
That was my first mistake.
When we have an attachment to what something “should” look, sound, or be like, it actually increases the likelihood of there being some kind of shock in store. It is rare for something to be “just as we thought it would be.” Actually, the attachments are the very things that guarantee surprises in the first place.
Our preconceived ideas set us up for the surprises. We often assume that others have the same perceptions. We imagine that they filter the world through the same lens, the same understandings. Ironically, they believe the exact same thing. Each of us in our own little bubbles, our own little world. All our experiences, thoughts, words, and perceptions floating around like planets. Of course, we are at the center.
And so it was when I arrived to my class, eager to do “what I always do,” eager to have it be what I expected.
Hitting the Wall
I plowed head first into a solid brick wall of 100 degree heat. Unbeknownst to me, I had joined a hot yoga class. Despite my incessant commentary about wanting to attempt it, I didn’t expect that moment, TO BE NOW! You know how that goes.
Like a dear caught in headlights, I froze. (Not gracefully I’ll have you know.) The other practitioners, albeit part of a small class, “looked” the part. Suitable thin clothing. Iced water bottle in hand. Smiling and stretching gracefully on their mats as if Cheshire cats on elegant Persian rugs. This all stood in obvious contrast to me. Thick pants, tank top, metal bottle with warm water, and shock. “The look of horror on Sarah’s face, priceless.”
That’s the second part about juggling our relationships to attachments. When we want things to show up in our lives, we also think it has to look, sound, and be exactly as we expected it to be. It also has to show up at “just the right time.” At the risk of passing judgments on ourselves, and others, we succumb to preconceived ideas of what things “should” look like.
You know how that goes too. I want the “right relationship”, “a specific outcome,” and the “right experience.” Then, while the universe tries “to throw us a bone,” to give us a chance opportunity, we balk because it isn’t harmonious with our attachments. We then pass up the opportunity, the surprise, and miss what could arise from it. Certainly, I truly believe in goals and having a future focus. But, at the same time, our attachments to them being “exactly” as we pictured can limit our willingness to find the wisdom found in the surprises themselves.
“ Should I Stay or Should I Go” – The Clash
Two minutes until class starts and a decision had to be made, and fast. Run out of there, or plant myself down on the mat and face my fears. I also knew that facing my attachments to what the class was “supposed” to be, felt risky. It also meant that I had to let my attachments go, and just dive in.
Then, the predictable internal battle came. My ego wanted me to run because it thought I was unsafe. My ego perceived that I wouldn’t be able to handle the heat, that it would overwhelm me. Yet, my spirit, that part of me that knew what was best for me, begged to differ. But, don’t we all face that internal battle at some point in our lives?
As I finished the class, and my post-yoga high trailed behind me chanting numerous “I told you so’s, I realized that the actual moment when I “dove in” was when I was forced to grow. I had to actually do what I feared, to get the real surprise: knowledge that I had become too “attached” to things being a certain way.
We all have had to reach out of our comfort zone, do something risky, and swim through the deep uncertainly pool that it creates.
And, ironically, it often means making a decision to find the right times to run or stay. For some, maybe the lesson comes through the actual decision to stay. For others, it can be from the decision to leave. Yet, at some point, we all have to face up to that “something” that hits us like a brick wall as we open that door. It is only then that we can find the gift that’s on the other side. Let’s face it; surprises allow room for growth, even if it is born out of reluctance.
Oh, and a tip: Those metal water bottles may be good for the environment, but they burn your hands like %#@#% in 100 degree + heat :)
©Copyright 2008 by Sarah Jenkins, MC, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
Click here to contact Sarah and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
10 comments so far
What a great article and illustration of something we all face on a regular basis. No not the 100 degree yoga class but the variances in life that are not at all what we expect and then the decision making time that comes there after. There are times when you have to hunker down and roll with the punches and I happen to think that this can be a good life lesson for people. We all stay too afraid of the unknown but why? Why not try something new and broaden our horizons? I think we would all be better for it and ultimately feel better about ourselves in the long run for facing our fears head on and trying something new!
Maggie,
Thanks for your comments. I’m glad that you connected with this article, especially about facing fears. Yes, being a afraid of the unknown is so common, especially because it can be about “I can’t control this.” What ever that triggers, plus the part of our brain that knows about survival says, “Nope, not doing it.” The catch is to allow the fear, acknowledge it, and try it anyway. Of course, there are legitimate threats that we should be cautious of. Nevertheless, we should also remember that some things in life that we are afraid of, are not actual threats, they just “feel” like they are. It is just our perception of them being so that restricts us, not the reality itself.
I am a big chicken and freely admit this. Everything new always frightens me a bit. I am printing this article though to keep with me, hoping it will keep me strong and resilient. Thanks for the insight.
I can say someone just put pen and paper to my fears. I am bad with starting anything new. I am still sitting here in front of my laptop deciding to take driving lessons. I can add joining the gym too. I think I am more worried about my “look” at the gym than the doing weights part. Perception matters and something that came to my mind was the song in Sound of Music, “I have confidence in confidence alone, besides which you see I have confidence in me.”
You are right- getting started is sometimes the hardest part!
Yes I too am one of those people who does not do well with surprises. :( I like for things to be planned out and done in a certain way. When there are those little unexpected surprises along the way I have to admit that I sometimes see those as more than minor inconveniences but as major roadblocks. But I am trying to work through all of that though. I am trying to teach myself that little unexpected surprises are often some of the best gifts that life has to offer- we just have to be able to open our eyes and see them for the gifts that they are indeed intended to be!
Surprises can just throw too much of a kink into the life plan sometimes. I am way too organized and anal to love the surprise- I have no way to plan for that! There are some people who can deal with those kinds of changes in their lives- I just do not happen to be one of those people. I wish that I could do better and learn more from these but I have not yet found a way to make that happen yet.
I am the same way Ashleigh. Surprises do nothing but throw me off kilter.
I have felt like this many times. We get into our comfort zone because that is what we are familiar with. I don’t like change, even tho I know it is sometimes for the better. I think change does us good as you said, it lets us grow and reach out to what we are not used to. The feeling of accomplishing something new is always rewarding to me.
Also consider the fact that fear is, by nature, a part of the human experience. For example, Fight, flight, or freeze is a natural part of our physical being and can come in response to what we are afraid of. It helps to ensure our survival.
Therefore, when it comes to “change,” fight, flight, or freeze can also kick in as well. It will depend on your history with change and if you have had any experiences that also elicited fear along with it. Therefore, for many, change can be a trigger for the past, especially when it was not a positive experience.