Comments on: Empathy Improves Relationships

By: axel

axel — Mon, 16 Jul 2012 11:11:45 +0000

What I have hard time with is actually thinking before I say something out loud. It is rare (sadly) that I think about how my words will affect someone before I say them. It is my own oops moments that have tended to hurt most of my own relationships.

By: Rochelle

Rochelle — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 23:46:51 +0000

There’s a part of me that thinks very few things come naturally – meaning, without work. I wonder what the experts would say about successful couples and the things that have come naturally or the things they’ve had to work at. Chanelling Gottman here…

I guess, the answer is both yes and no. Yes, because it’s easy to be empathetic in the beginning of a relationship and as time goes on, that interaction needs maintainance – a little oil and grease to keep it running!

By: MartinF

MartinF — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 22:26:34 +0000

But don’t you think that most successful couples will naturally have this empathy toward one another, that it isn’t something that they would have to learn?

By: Rochelle

Rochelle — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 16:12:46 +0000

@Dane – Totally agreed. Yet, can you imagine being highly defensive and in the heat of conflict and thinking ‘Hm… I want to believe in my (husband/wife/partner) right now…let me reciprocate’. I guess what I’m saying is, at times, practicing reciprocating, even when you don’t believe it or feel it, can be the first step on the road to believing in the other person even when there’s a discrepancy or conflict.

By: martin naylor

martin naylor — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 11:41:02 +0000

a person with empathy will succeed in any relationship and will be an asset in whatever role you can find that person in,no doubt.

By: Dane

Dane — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 11:32:09 +0000

@Rochelle- I want a little more from my spouse than artificial reciprocation. I want a spouse who believes in me the way I believe in her, there should be nothing artificial about that. Agreed?

By: rochelle

rochelle — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 02:32:02 +0000

@Dane – And that’s why therapy can provide the structure and at first maybe an ‘artificial’ reciprocation, until the couple can practice on their own.

By: Pandora MacLean-Hoover

Pandora MacLean-Hoover — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 00:19:26 +0000

I pressed “like” because the overall message is a helpful and necessary one.
I am leaving a comment, at the risk of seeming a word nerd, because the semantics are important.
“Empathy” and “sympathy” are words in the same genre of caring but very different in meaning.
The article, suggesting individuals develop more empathy for one another, raises a topic about which I clarify frequently in my Private Practice.
In couples work, a partner will often implore their partner to empathasize with he or she.
For example, “I just wish he could empathasize with me (once and a while) about how hard it is to be a step Mother to his children when I don’t have children of my own and never wanted them. By definition, this is only possible if he has gone through something similar and, therefore, may
extend caring with regard to her feelings of frustration. I will clarify the impossibility of this and substitute the word sympathy as a more realistic request. The win-win is immediate. He is absolved of criticism for not understanding (something he has not experienced because he has children, has no step children and is not a woman). She is relieved because it clarifies why Their is no empathy from her partner. It also creates a new place from which to be more sympathetic, caring about the things that upset (or interest) the other.
Hope this is helpful and read in the spirit for which I intended, clarity and support for meaningful ways to improve
relationships.

By: Dane

Dane — Fri, 13 Jul 2012 00:03:04 +0000

it only works if it is reciprocated by both parties

By: Rochelle

Rochelle — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 19:52:40 +0000

There’s nothing quite like being heard! I like the skill of mirroring because it’s a practical display of one person shifting their perspective. It’s also a great way to show the person that they are worth the effort – which always feels good.

By: penelope q

penelope q — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 18:15:47 +0000

This is so funny because it was just the other day that I saw an article online that the one thing that successful couples shared was a sense of empathy with one another. Being a strong couple can be a challenge, but when you have someone who will listen to you through the good and the bad and who does what they can to support you, then that’s one to hold on to! You have to have a partner who is willing to go that extra mile to try to help you find out what is going on beneath the surface and not jut taking everything at face value only. Many times ther is so much more going on that one partner is willing to say or even knows how to say aloud. A good partner knows that there is more there and gives you the time to figure that out and allows the two of you to work on that together.

By: kurt

kurt — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 16:33:52 +0000

almost all of us think only from our own POVs in a conflict or an argument.If we start to see things from our partner’s POV too,things can really make progress and there can be easy and non-hurtful solutions to such situations.