Comments on: Emotional Safety in Relationships: What it is and Why it’s Important http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/ Exploring Healthy Psychotherapy Sun, 21 Mar 2010 20:40:48 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9 hourly 1 By: Andy http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-18671 Andy Tue, 02 Jun 2009 18:12:08 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-18671 I think there are two situations when men feel insecure about your example of going out with friends. The first is very unhealthy, and I'm sure a therapist could find good reasons for it, but the reality is this is the obsessively jealous type of person and he wants to control you in order to feel safe. The second is usually down to his previous experiences with relationships. If he's had at least one traumatic experience with infidelity, that is someone he was very much in love with brought his relationship crashing down by either admitting to or being caught cheating, then he will have a hard time with trust. I'm in the second category, and I work hard to recognise that my own insecurity due to past relationships is the reason for my fear. Therefore if she wants to go out with her friends or spend time in another state with her parents, I go out of my way to make sure she can do so. I feel immediately better about myself when I do this, I'm not sure what that's about, I just hope it's a healthy reaction. I have of course told her about my insecurities in this regard, because I feel forewarned is forearmed. It would be horrible if she thought I was trying to be controlling or manipulative. I think there are two situations when men feel insecure about your example of going out with friends.

The first is very unhealthy, and I’m sure a therapist could find good reasons for it, but the reality is this is the obsessively jealous type of person and he wants to control you in order to feel safe.

The second is usually down to his previous experiences with relationships. If he’s had at least one traumatic experience with infidelity, that is someone he was very much in love with brought his relationship crashing down by either admitting to or being caught cheating, then he will have a hard time with trust.

I’m in the second category, and I work hard to recognise that my own insecurity due to past relationships is the reason for my fear. Therefore if she wants to go out with her friends or spend time in another state with her parents, I go out of my way to make sure she can do so. I feel immediately better about myself when I do this, I’m not sure what that’s about, I just hope it’s a healthy reaction.

I have of course told her about my insecurities in this regard, because I feel forewarned is forearmed. It would be horrible if she thought I was trying to be controlling or manipulative.

]]> By: Zoe http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17579 Zoe Fri, 01 May 2009 11:26:42 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17579 I totally agree with Danielle.... I do feel safe and have no worries about being emotional secured.. but when my husband gets insecure for some strange reason, then I tend to accept it and think maybe if I want to do something that doesn't include him, then I am neglecting him (which I'm not)... It's just living like this for so long.. it does seem normal. I think a lot of the emotional security depends on how much self esteem a person has about themselves. I totally agree with Danielle…. I do feel safe and have no worries about being emotional secured.. but when my husband gets insecure for some strange reason, then I tend to accept it and think maybe if I want to do something that doesn’t include him, then I am neglecting him (which I’m not)… It’s just living like this for so long.. it does seem normal. I think a lot of the emotional security depends on how much self esteem a person has about themselves.

]]> By: Shane http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17509 Shane Thu, 30 Apr 2009 10:21:42 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17509 I find my wife's constant jibes at my looks very humiliating and I dont feel good about myself anymore. I have put on weight and am losing hair. I am trying to lose weight by jogging everyday. I cant be blamed for the second as it is hereditary. I know its important to look good but not at the cost of everything else. I find my wife’s constant jibes at my looks very humiliating and I dont feel good about myself anymore. I have put on weight and am losing hair. I am trying to lose weight by jogging everyday. I cant be blamed for the second as it is hereditary. I know its important to look good but not at the cost of everything else.

]]> By: June http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17447 June Wed, 29 Apr 2009 10:18:31 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17447 Can a man love something like pornography and spend more time with it than with his emotional partner. I recently discovered my boyfriend has spent more time and money with this stupid past time than with me or his family. Can a man love something like pornography and spend more time with it than with his emotional partner. I recently discovered my boyfriend has spent more time and money with this stupid past time than with me or his family.

]]> By: Ted http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17445 Ted Wed, 29 Apr 2009 10:15:06 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17445 I do think that making time is important in a relationship as otherwise it negates the idea of staying in a relationship completely. We definitely make time and space for people we care and love. I do think that making time is important in a relationship as otherwise it negates the idea of staying in a relationship completely. We definitely make time and space for people we care and love.

]]> By: Jillian http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17325 Jillian Mon, 27 Apr 2009 06:54:19 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17325 We cant walk out of relationships once disagreements start. However, we need to fix and mend them. This was a very nice article and definitely helped throw light on how to mind the gap. We cant walk out of relationships once disagreements start. However, we need to fix and mend them. This was a very nice article and definitely helped throw light on how to mind the gap.

]]> By: Ashley http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17173 Ashley Mon, 20 Apr 2009 13:04:50 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17173 If you don't feel safe with the ones you love, then where in the world can you feel that way? If you don’t feel safe with the ones you love, then where in the world can you feel that way?

]]> By: Grayson http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17159 Grayson Sun, 19 Apr 2009 12:12:10 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17159 That safety net that is created is one of the most important things that any relationship could nourish for each other and their kids. If this is not something you are willing to work on and provide for those loved ones in your life then you really should reconsider your options. That safety net that is created is one of the most important things that any relationship could nourish for each other and their kids. If this is not something you are willing to work on and provide for those loved ones in your life then you really should reconsider your options.

]]> By: Jackie http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17135 Jackie Fri, 17 Apr 2009 11:50:44 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17135 Grew up in a home with no emotional safety whatsoever and guess what? Went on to marry someone and have repeated the same old patterns. It is sad to think of myself as a fifty five year old woman who has never experienced this kind of safe feeling at home but it is true. I know that I need to do something but it really feels like crawling up from a bottomless pit with no ladder for help. I know I have been a poor example for my own kids too but have no idea how to talk to them about that. I guess I am too afraid they will just resent me even more for bringing it up and will run even further away. Grew up in a home with no emotional safety whatsoever and guess what? Went on to marry someone and have repeated the same old patterns. It is sad to think of myself as a fifty five year old woman who has never experienced this kind of safe feeling at home but it is true. I know that I need to do something but it really feels like crawling up from a bottomless pit with no ladder for help. I know I have been a poor example for my own kids too but have no idea how to talk to them about that. I guess I am too afraid they will just resent me even more for bringing it up and will run even further away.

]]> By: Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17113 Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA Wed, 15 Apr 2009 16:57:20 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17113 Thanks for reading the blog and taking the time to comment. I completely agree with you Danielle. We often start off feeling emotionally safe (this is why we fall in love--because it feels so good to be together) and eventually the wear and tear of daily life gets in the way, not to mention all the situational factors that can erode our self esteem. So it's something to be monitoring from time to time and seeing if the break down is soley in the relationship realm or in the self esteem realm of one or both partners or in both realms. And then go from there regarding what we need to happen to bring back the safety. Thanks for reading the blog and taking the time to comment. I completely agree with you Danielle. We often start off feeling emotionally safe (this is why we fall in love–because it feels so good to be together) and eventually the wear and tear of daily life gets in the way, not to mention all the situational factors that can erode our self esteem. So it’s something to be monitoring from time to time and seeing if the break down is soley in the relationship realm or in the self esteem realm of one or both partners or in both realms. And then go from there regarding what we need to happen to bring back the safety.

]]> By: Danielle http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/emotional-safety-relationships/comment-page-1/#comment-17093 Danielle Wed, 15 Apr 2009 12:07:07 +0000 http://www.goodtherapy.org/custom/blog/?p=1979#comment-17093 Although I think that the issue of emotional safety is one that very much influences how successful a marriage and a relationship can be I also think that we all have to realize that this is an issue that can change over time. There may be times where you feel completely emotionally safe going into a relationship but as the years go on and you are with someone for a long period of time they can effectively bring you down and wear away any little bit of a feeling of emotional safety that you have left. And the bad thing is that you may not even realize it because this is just how you have been living for so long that this is what feels like the norm. Although I think that the issue of emotional safety is one that very much influences how successful a marriage and a relationship can be I also think that we all have to realize that this is an issue that can change over time. There may be times where you feel completely emotionally safe going into a relationship but as the years go on and you are with someone for a long period of time they can effectively bring you down and wear away any little bit of a feeling of emotional safety that you have left. And the bad thing is that you may not even realize it because this is just how you have been living for so long that this is what feels like the norm.

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