Emotional Courage
December 27th, 2008 |
By Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT
Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
How do we change the direction of our lives? Despite our histories, why do some people create fulfilling lives for themselves while others do not? As a therapist, and as a person who has made her life about self-transformation and then later, the transformation of others, this is easy to see. But for many people, especially those who do not know much about “therapy,” and the process it entails, this is more of a mystery.
Have you ever said to yourself, “I will do whatever it takes to reach my full potential in this lifetime – no matter what”? This statement to ourselves, to our god, to the universe, is powerful and can open us up to change. There are several main ingredients in change: a desire to improve one’s sense of well-being, and a willingness to do whatever it takes. These qualities could be put together and called emotional courage.
Emotional courage means we are willing to connect to all aspects of ourselves, including old, scary and painful experiences, and feel whatever comes up, rather than cutting ourselves off to avoid pain, shame, grief, and sadness. Emotional courage means we will leave our comfort zone if it enlarges our lives, rather than live in a smaller but seemingly safer world. It means that we can have the courage to suffer if it enables us to grow and live a bigger life.
While there is much to be said for being kind to ourselves, to not always be pushing, when we avoid that which is challenging or enlarging, we keep ourselves from growing new muscle, developing new talents and abilities. Doing what is easiest is often a way of avoiding what is hard.
In therapy, we often have to remember old experiences that hurt us. We often have to sit in those re-activated feelings of shame or pain. We are taught to allow ourselves to let go of control and be disoriented. We come to know that we can survive this process and that in doing so we are opening bridges between different parts of ourselves. We have to trust that ultimately this is courageous and allows us to become stronger. We can be in contact with all we have lived with. We can look back and say, “gee that was really hard”, rather than dismiss it and say, “I had a great childhood”, or “I don’t want to wallow in the past”. Nobody had a perfect childhood, and we all have created ways of surviving. Some of those ways no longer work.
For example, Jane often attacked her partner George angrily when she felt uncared for. She wanted to stop this pattern and began to look at why she got so upset by things he would do that felt neglectful. As this pattern was explored, it became clear that as a child, her parents did not consider Jane’s needs and desires. Now, whenever George didn’t specifically consider her, she went into a rage. As Jane began to delve into her reactions (which were always much bigger than the situation at hand), she began to experience the pain that she lived through as a child, the feelings of unworthiness, the hurt, the loneliness, and the anger. She was able to start to communicate what was getting triggered in her, instead of attacking, and due to her courage both in delving into the pain of the past, and communicating her vulnerability openly, Jane began to rebuild her relationship.
Do you find yourself avoiding situations that trigger uncomfortable feelings? How is this holding you back? What might happen if you take the leap and trust that facing your fears will ultimately empower you? Will you speak up honestly? Will you stand in your vulnerability rather than be self-protective? Will you trust that you can survive feelings of shame or embarrassment? These choices become skills and abilities that allow us to create healthier lives and relationships.
©Copyright 2008 by Jennifer Lehr, MA, MFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Jennifer and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
I have been trying to work the emotional courage for years to make some changes in my life and I think that this article has finally given me the strength to do so. Thank you.
How do you delve into your emotions and reactions like Jane did above? If i delve into my emotions and reactions, I am familiar with the feelings but have no idea what to do with them or where to send them. I am assuming this is delving and any recommendations on how to do it would be great. Love your blog!
After reading this I am determined to commit the new year to finding my own emotional courage to get past some issues that have haunted me for years. I think that I can do this now that I am at a point in my life where I am ready to do this but know that I will need some help along the way. This has given me the motivation that I need to find a therapist to work with me on these issues and to confront and hopefully overcome some of my demons from the past. I hope that there are others out there who can do the same.
My aunt is nearly 58 and lives in Italy. She was widowed recently. She’s learning to drive after all these years. Driving in Rome is crazy and takes a lot of courage to do so at her age. Although she is still coping with her loss, she has also found a new found freedom in doing things her way. I definitely think she grew new muscle as she chose not to wallow in self-pity but live a day fully at a time.
I am so glad I read this one. I make a list of resolutions every year. I know I’ve found it difficult to keep them all these years I chicken out because I have to confront myself. My fears and weaknesses sometimes get the better of me and I stop trying. This year I am intending to take the bull by its horns. I am keeping my fingers crossed on this one
I think sometimes we are scared of the unknown, how things will turn out and failure. I plan to change some things in my life beginning the new year, although I know I don’t have to wait til then, but there are some things I want to accomplish.
I must admit.. I don’t want a lot of things in my life, for the good. Just scared to do it. I want to find my emotional courage as well.
Most of us see monsters in the cupboard even when they dont exist. The tendency to make things scarier than it seems stops us from confronting something old or trying something new. I had a long standing feud with a childhood friend all over a silly locker fight when I was 12. I avoided her meticulously till 15 years later I had to open an account and she was the officer in the bank. All my demons went out of the window once we started talking like mature adults. We are friends once again and looking back it was simply the lack of emotional courage to make amends.
I am still not in a great sibling relationship with my elder brother. I used to be very suspicious of my wife’s siblings and used to pick on her for trusting them. I realised I was picking up a fight with her because I hated my sibling and a part of me was jealous of her relationship with her sisters. I understand that every relationship neednt be a reflection of the ones we have in our lives.
I have read books on positive thinking and attitudes and learned that we need to stop being scared of what people may think, do or react and just do it. We always think the worst when in reality the other person has no clue how we feel and it is nothing compared to what we are thinking and feeling. Maybe I need to learn to do this more often.
It seems like everthing in the present has to do with the past. I totally believe in this and it’s time for me to start dealing with it and stop assuming other people are what was in my past.
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We would all be better off if we stop and realize where our emotions are coming from. Great article
Emotional courage can be tough to find but once you do you will feel so much better for the effort. For years I have struggled with this but I am resolved that this is to be no more. I have some people in my life that I need to stand up to and take action with- in the past that has been so hard for me because I just want to please everyone and not step on any toes. But that has gotten me nowhere- 2009 is the time for a new stance for me.
Generally delving into emotions and feelings is best done initially with a therapist until you understand the process and can guide yourself. We are so subjective, it is often hard to fully “see” ourselves without an objective other. For very beginning and basic exploration of feelings I recommend any of the books by Lucia Capacchione, Ph.D. She has experiential exercises in her books that help to get one in touch with deeper feelings and learn to interact with them: witness, have empathy, self soothe, develop inner dialogue etc.
I am with Grayson, there are so many people that I try to please and I do realize that I’m not going to be able to please everyone all the time. I too, need to put my foot down and just be myself and vocalize what I really think, (in a firm but nice way). Maybe more people will respect me if I do stand up and say what I really believe instead of trying to please.
Thank you for that information. I will look into her books.
For those of you who have made the true committment to do something big with your life and to take the steps that you needed to to find your own emotional courage, were most of you able to do this through the help of a therapist or was this something that just kind of clicked for you and you were able to make a go of it on your own? I am always curious about what the true motivators are for different people. I am one of those that I think that at the beginning I would really need some hand holding to get me through the starting phases of working up to emotional courage and I am so thankful to have a counselor who has helped me in times like this throughout the years.
Emotional Courage…..oh my gosh….are we living a parallel life???
Thank you for having the courage to put down in words, where I am
in my life…..I too want to grow, expand, become more!!!
God Bless!!!!!
I so often wish I could live my life to it’s fullest. There are so many things I want to do and to accomplish before it’s my time to go. I know this is no excuse, but if I had no children and no husband, I think I would go out and try to do all I possibly can to make my dreams come true…and not having someone say,”You can’t do that” or “Things like that don’t happen to us”. I get so sick and tired of hearing this.
it takes courage to move on from somthing hard
dear lord help me accept the things i can not change