Emotional Abuse: What it is and Why it is so Important to Recognize
October 9th, 2009 |
By Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T., Abuse Topic Expert Contributor
Sticks and stones may break my bones but … bullying and name-calling can emotionally scar me forever. Not the original ending to the classic verse, but probably the more accurate one. It seems that broken bones will heal far more quickly than a battered soul. Does this sound overly dramatic?
Not according to a study conducted by Florida State University and published in the Journal of Affective Disorders. It states that verbal abuse has been shown to produce 1.6 times as many symptoms of depression and anxiety among adults as those who have not been verbally abused. And those adults were twice as likely to have suffered a mood or anxiety disorder over their lifetime.
Verbal abuse is only one aspect of emotional abuse – the most common form of abuse, and perhaps the least clearly understood. That’s because emotional abuse is not a single or quantifiable act. It is difficult to chronicle or identify. It is both pervasive and can be very subtle – deeply affecting but harder to prove than sexual or physical abuse.
Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents – whether intentional or not – that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person. Emotional abuse in childhood is particularly devastating because a child’s sense of self is still not fully formed and therefore they are very receptive to what others say about them. When they repeatedly hear negative things about themselves from people that they trust, they develop a set of beliefs that shape their future identity. It has been shown that both verbal and non-verbal communication can create a powerful message. And emotional abuse can and usually does include both.
When a person is physically or sexually abused, they recognize that something wrong (bad) is happening to them. With emotional abuse, that might not be the case. Therefore, the person may be taking in hurtful and debilitating information without any filter. That is, their psyche is not defending them from the onslaught. In fact, they may even be telling themselves that they deserve what they are experiencing and that they are bad. This type of abuse consequently turns into a potent form of self-criticism. Survivors of emotional abuse are self-critical because they have internalized years of negative messages and they now believe it. Adults who have been emotionally abused as children are among the most self-critical – hence the degree of depression and anxiety found among this population.
Emotional abuse has classically been under-reported and its effects minimized. But this form of abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. It can leave them feeling unworthy, undeserving, unlovable and insignificant. People who have been emotionally abused may have a hard time recognizing the importance of the abuse. Not only does our culture minimize it, it suggests that the victims themselves are weak, further victimizing them. Most abusers are not clearly identifiable bullies/abusers, and so it’s hard to point a finger or charge them with a crime. How then do we recognize and deal with emotional abuse?
Trust your own instincts and the instincts of others who claim to have been abused. If you/they feel it or can name it, attention must be paid. Respect your emotions. This abuse is insidious and can be very subtle. But it wears away at your self-esteem and sense of self. If someone has or is continually making you feel bad about yourself, scaring you or making you feel as if you are crazy, then even if they aren’t fully aware of it, they are abusing you. Just because emotional abuse is not treated as a crime doesn’t mean it isn’t serious.
Identifying your abuser and recognizing that nothing you did or did not do was the reason they acted the way they did, is an important first step towards healing. And if it is still going on in the present, remember that “trying harder” will not stop an emotionally abusive person’s behavior. You are not the problem! If you feel safe enough, you can confront them with the truth and see if they are ready to acknowledge their problem. If you don’t feel safe, then remove yourself from the situation – perhaps permanently.
©Copyright 2009 by Roni Weisberg-Ross L.M.F.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Roni and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
16 comments so far
I have to agree that verbal abuse is a major concern for many people, especially people who live or work with people that are short-tempered and will shout and abuse verbally quite often.
Yes, it is very true that a physical injury will heal with the right care but it is just not as easy with emotional abuse… the person that is abused is left battered and hurt and emotional abuse also screws up relationship between people and does not let it be the same ever again. People should learn to think before they speak because an arrow shot and a word said cannot be taken back…
Thank you for a great post. I have wondered from a parenting perspective whether emotional abuse is on the increase as a result of smacking being on the decrease? As you’ve written it is hard to classify emotional abuse so I have no idea how something like that can be researched.
Thanks for a very informative article.
Though not obvious and visible, mental harassment and torture is far more hurting and effective than physical injury… this fact needs to be put out to people as much as possible.
my granddaughter is being sent to a Wilderness Program because of Emotional Abuse. She is fifteen. Therapist need to be more aware of emotional abuse
Does not sound dramatic to me at all probably because i watched this happen to my sister for years and saw how much she was beaten bdown by this man, not physically but emotionally. He never hit her, but boy did his words and actions ever pack a punch. She will never again be the fun loving sister that I grew up with because of all of the hurt he caused, and for that I will never be able to forgive him.
My wife was emotionally abused by her mother and step father throughout her childhood all the way till she left for college. Subsequent to that, they traumatized her with insults, so much so that she attempted suicide. She is a wonderful person and is very caring and giving. But the scars of her childhood have been very hard to get over. She has 2 other siblings that have had emotional breakdowns due to scars from their childhood. Yet there is no law enforcement that can hold their mother and step father accountable for the crimes they committed years ago because there is no proof.
It does feel like an injustice that emotionally abusive people are not held accountable by our legal system in the same way that sexually and physically abusive people are. All we can do is draw clear boundaries and in that way ostracize people who exhibit that type of behavior. Unfortunately even then, sometimes the behavior is so subtle that even the direct recipient of the behavior doesn’t initially recognize what is happening to them. All we can do is deal with each situation as it comes along.
Unfortunately sometimes by the time the people who experience this kind of abuse recognize what is being done to them it is too late in the game to make any real changes. They will have a long road of recovery ahead of them once they are able to get out of the abusive situation.
I’ve witnessed this emotional abuse by a friend of mine against her stepson. He has developed some behavioral issues as a result. But my friend doesn’t get the connection at all and always feels that her criticisms are warranted and needed for her stepson’s own sake. It’s very painful to watch and I’ve never felt able to do anything more than leave when she starts in on him. She just doesn’t get it.
I wonder what it is that is really eating away at your friend and if you might be able to help her locate the source of her frustration?
This is an important, and well-written description of a condition which has probably affected everyone to one degree or another, but which is rarely named. I think it’s particularly cautionary for parents to think about, as some of the posts have indicated. How often have you as a parent wondered how much criticism is helpful to your child (even when couched as “helpful advice” or for the kid’s own good), or sometimes wish you could take back things you have said to your child. It’s not that everyone is potentially an abuser — I think the behavior must be more systematic and continued to be classified in that category. But it is interesting how much easier it is to notice another parent’s picking on their child, than to pick up on your own behavior; it took some feedback from our kids when they got older to figure out some classic mistakes.
It is certainly harder to recognize behavior that crosses over the line when it comes from within us so I admire Julia publicly taking a look at her own actions as a parent. I suspect we can all find those times when we wish we had done it differently – the important thing is that we take the time to look and figure out how we might do it differently next time. Thank you Julia for your comments.
Thank you for writing this on such a hidden topic that clients often don’t recognize as abuse.
Thank you for sharing the most concise description of emotional abuse that I have read. You have perfectly described my life for the last 20 years. I kept believing (and he kept reminding me)that if I tried harder we would be happier. He kept telling me that I was too sensitive. I believed every word he told me because he was my husband and, go figure, he was supposed to love me and I was the one with the problem. I experienced clinical depression, an eating disorder and various other negative behavioral patterns. BUT, I take it all as God’s tool of getting me out of a bad relationship and now I am pursuing my education. I just finished my undergraduate degree and recently started graduate school in pursuit of a Masters in Clinical Psychology. It’s time to pay it forward. Thank you for your article.
And thank you. Good luck Dee Dee