When Elephant is Married to Donkey: Rules for Keeping Peace Despite Politics
September 30th, 2011
By Jenise Harmon, MSW, LSW, Click here to contact Jenise and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
Ah, the time of year when political news is everywhere. The 2012 presidential election looms, and potential candidates travel the country looking for support week after week. It’s a time for thinking about where our country has been and where it should go. It’s a time when people get together and discuss the environment, healthcare, and unemployment. It’s a time when couples sit down and talk warmly about their hopes for the country and fill envelopes for the party they both are fervent members of.
Sounds sweet, doesn’t it? But I’m not writing about these happily politically-aligned people, because they’ll agree with each other that they have no need to read this. I’m writing about the couples who, when they talk politics, inevitably argue, yell, post competing political statements on their lawn, and slam the door on any poor schlepp who happens to be distributing the ‘wrong’ campaign flyer. If this is you, keep reading. If not, keep reading anyway. You’ll eventually argue with your partner about something, right?
So, you have a solid relationship with your partner. You raise beautiful, bright children together. You have the same taste in expensive fake-distressed furniture. You cheer for the same losing football team. You even agree on religion (or at least you fake it really well). But politics are an entirely different ballgame. And in your house, politics divide.
It’s important to understand that people who fight about politics are good people. They’re people who care about their community, their state, their country. They’re aware of what is going on, and they want to make things better. They’re passionate, interested, and thoughtful.
The problem is that politics are divisive in their nature. We have two main political parties, both of which are equally visible, loud, and persuasive. People claim their political party as an identity. “I’m a Republican” or “I’m a Democrat”. Red or Blue. Elephant or Donkey. And in a marriage, when two people are strongly aligned with opposing parties, things can get ugly.
The most important thing for couples to remember is that their spouse has good intentions. They don’t want to see our country fall into financial ruin, or have children go hungry, or see schools fail.
So Rule #1 is: Don’t treat your spouse like your enemy, because they’re not. You may have different ideas about the environment, or foreign policy, but in the big picture you both seek a good life for yourselves, your family, and the people around you.
The next thing to remember is that it’s not your job to convince your partner to vote the way you do. It won’t work, and it’ll just cause him or her to be angry at you.
Follow Rule #2: Discuss, don’t deride. When you discuss politics, share your insights, your passion, but keep the conversation respectful. In the end, you may have to simply agree that you can’t agree, and leave it at that.
And finally, realize that your marriage is more important than any political party. You and your spouse do not have to agree on politics. Discuss, debate, educate, and learn from each other. But when the tempers start to flare, step back and take a breather.
Rule #3: When it starts to feel negative and bitter, stop. You can always talk later when things are calmer.
It’s possible for an elephant to marry a donkey and survive during an election year. Understanding that difference and disagreement are not the end of a marriage is crucial for a relationship to prosper. The key is to have a foundation of trust, kindness, and respect. With these, a marriage can survive and thrive, even in an election year.
©Copyright 2011 by Jenise Harmon, LISW, therapist in Columbus, OH. All Rights Reserved.
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14 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
I had to marry someone with the same political leanings as me. It never would have worked if we viewed things different politically.
This always happens at home…Not for politics but when it comes to NBA…my dad and I just become opponents whenever there’s a game between our favorite teams. But its all good once the game is over.
I don’t think it would be that easy when it comes to politics and when its between a couple.
The points to remember that you have written are good advice and people with such a problem should really look into these.
I am the elephant, and the wife is the donkey. She accepts that and I do too. But you would think that after all of these years of being married that the political conversations would get easier but they don’t. They just change from year to year depending on the issues of the day and who is running for what. But one thing that she and I both had to agree on from the beginning is that we would not let that difference in ideology affect how we felt about each other. It was decided that just because we felt one way about an issue should not reflect on how we felt about each other. Yes, we have had some fairly strong arguments over the years but nothing that a strong marriage and a lot of love could not overcome.
Although my spouse and I have different political leanings,we do not have WARS or anything at home. The only things we discuss about is how things could change for the better, without naming any political outfit. It gives us a chance to discuss things of political nature as both of us are quite interested in it. But at the same time we avoid conflict by keeping the parties out of the discussion. It can e hard to do this sometimes but I really do not want the wrong doings of any poitical party to start off a WAR at home! :D
I guess this is one relationship hazard that I don’t have to worry about because i am not into talking politics and would probably never date anyone who was.
If politics caused such an uproar in my home between my wife and I, we’d make it a taboo subject and it would be on the list of things we didn’t talk about with each other. It’s better to let sleeping dogs lie than fight over stuff like that.
We have certain things that we’ll never see eye to eye on (the death penalty is an example) and agree to drop such topics from conversation permanently rather than rehashing them when they come up in the news or whatever. We both know full well how the other feels. It’s simply not worth arguing over.
@Adrian Sams: I’m right behind you on that! Chat away with your friends and acquaintances about it by all means when you’re not home or are online, but leave political discussion at your front door when you come home at night and keep your opinions to yourself if it’s a hot potato.
Couples can find plenty of sources of acrimony that are non-political and a heck of a lot more important to their marriage!
I don’t think couples that feel so strongly as to put opposing political signs in their own yard need be together at all. Politics really means that much to them that people would do that, have two different signs in their yards? Give me a break. Don’t put any sign up at all instead of displaying your differences for the whole neighborhood to see.
How juvenile to be broadcasting your disagreement on whose party is the best. Might as well stick your tongue out at each other too.
@denniscarruthers: I agree with you 100%. That’s a childish thing to do, as would be slamming doors in a candidate’s face. How rude! They sound like petulant brats rather than the good people this article is making them out to be. Any grown adult that behaves like that is beyond reasoned debate.
If you’re THAT immature about politics then you have to just not talk about it until you grow up enough to learn that nobody honestly cares about your stance because they have theirs and you have yours.
Your tiny voice isn’t going to have any effect on politicians anyway. They never do what they promised they would for the common people and that goes for ALL parties.
When you slam doors and raise your voice in your own home over your political leaning, you are making your party’s supporters look like immature five year olds. Way to go!
I grew up in a home where we were told never to discuss religion or politics for that very reason. There’s too many strong emotions wrapped up in them for most people. You rarely talk to a person that has a neutral stance on either subject so you are bound to get into an argument one way or another. There’s more to life than the polls, folks!
Couples still fight over this kind of thing? My husband of twenty years is a Conservative and I’m very left wing. Do we get along well you ask? Well I guess I didn’t say “twenty years” loud enough if you need to ask. :) We disagree but we can debate our views like adults and not fight over them.
When you resort to fighting and not debating, you’re only doing so because you know you’re losing the argument.
My wife and I were exactly like that until we realized that both political parties are mudslingers who are more concerned with one-upping the other party than actually doing anything about the country’s problems.
I don’t vote Democrat or Republican anymore. I vote for whoever hasn’t been an idiot.
If either of you can’t debate politics without it turning into a verbal brawl, you should simply not discuss politics at all with them until they can approach the subject in a mature fashion. I have some very strong opinions on politics and also on controversial subjects such as eugenics and stem cell research.
If you don’t like what I believe, that’s fine and that’s your right. What you don’t have is the right to berate me for it. Often it’s easier to not state your personal belief systems for the sake of harmony.
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