I often hear the following from my new mom clients: “ No one told me how hard motherhood would be. Why didn’t someone TELL me?” The tone is often indignant and occasionally angry. “What was I thinking?” might actually better capture many new mothers’ (and fathers’) sentiments in the days following childbirth. These thoughts are common for any woman who is transitioning to the role of motherhood for the first time.

I remember having those very same thoughts after my first son was born almost ten years ago. I could not believe how bone-achingly exhausting those first few months were with a newborn, how suddenly my life was not my own, and the magnitude of responsibility that came with being a 24-7 milk machine for my infant. Luckily, those early days pass in a haze, and time marches forward, bringing attachment and bonding and love. Today, with my sons almost ten and five, I wouldn’t trade motherhood for the world. But I remember feeling the same way my new mom clients do.

Somehow, we women have been birthing for centuries and raising children, and we keep doing it. We figure out a way to make it work, and we learn how to be mothers from our children, from our extended family, culture, and society at large. I do think our children are our greatest teachers, by the way. And the most loving and fun.

But, it is not an easy road, especially initially. If we are raised to believe that June Cleaver/Carol Brady/Claire Huxtable are the standard, then, boy are we setting the bar unrealistically high. Television programs, movies, and other cultural influences mold women as very young girls on how motherhood “should” look like. Little girls practice dreaming of motherhood the moment they begin dramatic play with dolls, dressing and changing the baby’s clothes, rocking the doll, feeding her a bottle, etc. Those of you born in the 1970s might remember Baby Alive, that horrendous doll that made this gawd-awful motorized chewing sound reminiscent of “The Exorcist” when you pushed it’s chin to “eat” the powdered baby food. Of course the meal was then promptly expelled in it’s poopy diaper, only to have child change diaper. Rinse. Repeat. Needless to say, that was my absolute favorite doll.

We begin to visualize from a very young age the perception of what motherhood “looks” like, and none of it involves sleep deprivation or projectile bowel movements. We romanticize and idealize this notion of a Hallmark card image of a young mother joining hands with her children in a sunny meadow, wind blowing through her long hair, finding complete bliss and enlightenment in being “mother.” Think of the commercials which depict women looking completely joyful when wiping their sick children’s noses with Kleenex while simultaneously removing stains from the baseball uniform. She does it with ease, with a smile, with ironed clothes and a home-cooked meal, and after working an eight hour day, with nary a complaint. Blissful. Motherhood. Yeah, right.

Believe me, I am not one to bash motherhood. In fact, my website is called: EmbraceMotherhood.com. On that road to motherhood, however, I experienced some significant challenges that awakened me to the realization that being a mom wasn’t going to be that Hallmark Card Image. These hurdles included infertility, perinatal loss, and also postpartum depression. In addition, I have always worked in some capacity and somehow managed to do the juggle dance, balancing career with family, and not always with ease. These are things that happen to REAL women. NOT Hallmark Card Woman. The challenges are what shaped me into who I am today, and I really am grateful for the personal growth I would not have experienced any other way but through the hardships. Despite those bumps in the road, I can safely say I am truly an advocate of motherhood. Being a mom is simultaneously the most rewarding, challenging, difficult, fulfilling and heart-expanding job I could ever imagine. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I am in awe of how the love for my sons grows exponentially as their development unfolds. Motherhood truly IS a beautiful thing.

That being said, I am also often the first person to be honest with clients, friends, and family about how challenging motherhood can be. I don’t think we do women a favor when we paint images of motherhood as being that of perfection, like the mom on the Kleenex commercial. I am reminded of one of my clients who was simultaneously dealing with a colicky infant, breast-feeding challenges, and postpartum depression. She recounted when her neighbor came by and asked her, ”Don’t you just love motherhood? Isn’t it the greatest thing?” My client answered the door, covered in spit-up and had been up for three nights in a row, infant screaming in the background. Clearly, motherhood didn’t feel like “the greatest thing” to her at that moment.

Somehow in our society, we have set the bar so high for what a mother “should” look like, we have lost touch with what is really important, that of being a “good enough” mom.

D.W. Winnicott was a child development/attachment theorist who coined the term “good enough” mothering. He discussed in his work how women do NOT have to be perfect (read: June Cleaver, etc.) to be great moms. In fact, children do just fine with moms who are “good enough.” We, as women, put so much pressure on ourselves to be all things to our children, that we are losing sight of enjoying the simple aspects of mothering. I have seen mothers get so caught up on purchasing just the right flash cards for their child so that Jr. can become bilingual by age 3. Others over-program their youngsters in so many extracurricular activities (Baby Sign Language, Toddler Gourmet Cooking with Mommy, Let’s Paint Like Van Gogh! to name a few) so that, God forbid, their child misses out on an opportunity for synaptic expansion. What ever happened to getting on the floor and building a tower of blocks with our kids? Isn’t it OK to have a slightly rumpled blouse after morning drop-off and coffee has spilled as we enter rush-hour traffic? Heaven forbid we enter a meeting with spit-up on our shoe. Oh, and don’t even think about the Cheerios stashed in the couch cushions and dirt ground into the carpet after digging for earthworms.

I am the first to admit I am also that woman. I am human. I have dealt with the guilt of juggling work and family, attempting to organize my household when I felt frazzled. I remember comparing myself to Suzy Q who sashayed down the street with her Buddha-peaceful baby who actually sat for hours on end and pondered a bumble-bee for at least 50 minutes. And wondered why on earth my sons wouldn’t sit still for a nano-second. I am not perfect. Far from it. But, I embrace that imperfection, I laugh at it. My sons laugh at it. It’s taken me almost ten years and two sons to finally get that it’s OK to be “good enough” at this thing called motherhood. I learn as I go. And my sons are my greatest teachers.

My wish for all new moms is to have a strong internal sense of being “good enough” for their child(ren), to learn from mistakes (there are many), and to be open to growing with their child(ren). Lose the comparing and perfectionism, and surround yourselves with other women who are authentic and honest about the challenges and joys of motherhood. Celebrate joyful moments, and know that the very difficult first few months pass in a wink of an eye (even though it doesn’t feel like it when you are “in” it). It gets easier and much more rewarding as baby grows into a little person and begins to return that love back to you…with gazing and smiles first, then cooing, then touch and hugs. And of course eventually, “I love you, Mom.” It’s the best feeling in the world. And it’s worth all the challenges that accompany motherhood, believe me.

“I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job.” Roseanne Barr

Some Helpful Resources:

Boy do I wish the following resources were available ten years ago when I had my first child. Please check out the following wonderful resources for moms wishing to get in touch with their authentic/non-competitive side, and get some validation for being “real” and “good enough” at mothering.

• www.realmomexperts.com. Psychologists Anne Dunnewold and Diane Sanford, PhD have created a fantastic website dedicated to Self-Care tips for mothers, banishing guilt/perfectionism, and truly being “real”. Subscribe to daily Self-Care tips to nurture your inner mama.
• Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide by Ann Dunnewold, PhD and Diane Sanford, PhD –outstanding, honest book preparing moms for what motherhood is all about
• Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juicebox: Cut Yourself Some Slack (and Still Raise Great Kids) in the Age of Extreme Parenting by Ann Dunnewold, PhD–I LOVE this book. So validating and entertaining.
• Journey to Parenthood by Diana Lynn Barnes and Leigh G. Balber–Excellent resource for understanding the developmental unfolding of becoming a parent and all the emotional changes associated with this milestone.
• Mothering the New Mother: Women’s Feelings and Needs After Childbirth: A Support and Resource Guide by Sally Placksin  We need to nurture the nurturer. This book is all about that. Great baby shower gift.
• www.mommytracked.com (Mommy Tacked: Managing the Chaos of Modern Motherhood website) for moms working outside the home, articles written with great humor on the “juggle dance”
• Working Mother Magazine  www.workingmother.com –also for moms working outside the home

**For moms who are dealing with postpartum depression/anxiety, please see:

• Postpartum Progress—www.postpartumprogress.com – choc full of information and an inspirational Daily Hope for those recovering
• Postpartum Support International —www.postpartum.net – largest nonprofit in the world dedicated to perinatal mood/anxiety disorders…please read for the latest news, research, legislative updates, online and local support. It is an excellent resource