Why Divorce Hurts
September 14th, 2012
By Andra Brosh, PhD, Divorce/Divorce Adjustment Topic Expert Contributor
The pain of divorce is often unbearable. The experience can be so awful that you wonder whether it would have been easier to stay married or even to be dealing with some other horrific life event like death. The depth of pain is often surprising, particularly when you know you don’t want to be married anymore. What many people forget is that divorce is just a fancy word masking what is truly a broken attachment between two people. Divorce is more than separating assets and belongings. It’s the severing of a very strong bond founded on deep feelings of dependency and need. Believe it or not, you developed an attachment to your partner over the course of dating and marriage that connected you on an emotional and physiological level beyond what you realized.
When two people get married they are vowing to be committed and to love one another, but they are also pledging to become “attached.” This attachment is unspoken and unknown to both, but it is the most powerful connection anyone can have to another person in a love relationship. According to author Helen Fischer in her book Why We Love, our “cuddle chemicals,” namely oxytocin and vasopressin, contribute to the sense of closeness and attachment couples feel toward each other in a love relationship. These bonding hormones promote a sense of fusion between lovers that deepens attachment and a sense of oneness. This biological phenomenon explains the depth of devastation felt when the attachment is broken and the physiological symptoms that become activated when attachments are severed. The response is often primal, leading to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that might never surface in any other context of life.
The end of a marriage is one of the most emotionally painful human experiences. Thinking about the experience of divorce within the context of attachment generates a greater sense of empathy for what you might be feeling. It explains the levels of rage, vindictiveness, grief, and despair that so often accompany this common life transition. We too often think of divorce as a noun or a verb, but it is actually a relational trauma that has a physiological and emotional effect. You may be creating more suffering for yourself by resisting what you are feeling or telling yourself that you are overreacting.
Recognize that the end of your marriage represents much more for you than you may realize. If you were a small child and the person you depended on most was suddenly unavailable to you, there is no doubt you would have a strong reaction. The end of your marriage is no different. Give yourself the time and space to heal and repair. You are not damaged, just temporarily devastated, and the recovery will come with time. Divorce is not just a matter of the heart but an experience that impacts the whole person on a multitude of levels.
© Copyright 2012 by Andra Brosh, PhD, therapist in Los Angeles, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
Very nicely explained.I went through a divorce years ago and still cannot forget everything I went through then.It seemed like the end of the world then but even though I do remember it,I have realized that it was a phase and although things will never be the same again,it is not the end and there is just so much more to life.
I hope everybody who goes through the heartache that comes with divorce have the strength to cope with it and that they determine to go beyond that and be happy again.All the best to all your heartbroken wonderful people out there and thanks a lot to the author of this post.
Thank you so much for your comment. Divorce does leave a permanent mark, but it’s almost like a beautiful scar to remind you of how resilient and courageous you are. It sounds like you have grown from the experience, which is all we can really ask for.
Divorce can be so hurtful because you have placed all of your trust in this one person, and when that falls apart it is like you lose a part of yourself too. I have been through a painful divorce, and not only experiencing my own pain, but watching how it affected our children as well as our whole families, wow, that was the worst. I lost my best frined, but my family lost someone that they loved too. For many other people there is that promise to God that they feel like they are breaking when the marriages fall apart, so that is even more pressure than is already being experienced. There is this feeling that ylou have let so many people down, hurt so many and disappointed tham, that divorce can really rip you to shreds.
Yes Arthur so many commitments and bonds get broken. The loss and heartbreak is often unbearable, and children are definitely affected by the pain of broken attachments as well. They are such innocent victims, but fortunately kids are most often even more resilient than their parents!! Thank you for your comment.
My ex husband and I had one of those turbulent marriages, really even before we got married, and why I ever thought that things would change with a ceremony and a piece of paper. . . well, let’s just say I had to learn my lesson the hard way.
So while it did hurt a little, I knew deep down that I was saving my self and my soul by leaving him and I would not go back and change a thing.
I did not want counseling, did not care to try to work it out, kind of because I think that I eventually learned that really this marriage was over before it started.
although divorces tend to be hurtful and mentally draining for both partners it need not always be that way.I separated from my former husband five years ago and we still remain good friends.there was no bad blood between us when we split and we really respect each other.
coming back to divorce being hurtful,we got through it without much of hurt in either of us.that was probably because we spoke so much about it before we went for the divorce and because we really understood each other’s concern.what could also be a reason is the short period we had been married for(less than a year).
anyhow what I would like to suggest is to try and work things out by talking and try to minimize the conflict between the two of you.a divorce need not always be war as it is often made out to be!
I’ve been through three heartbreaking relationships and I just can’t take it any more. Everything I have experienced has now left me scared of any relationship at all and I am no longer looking to anything like that. I can only imagine how much hurtful a divorce can be and its not difficult to understand why those that have been through divorce seem to be so very heartbroken and hurt.
You know, I really wish that more couples would give more thought to want they are doing befor juumping into marriage!
maybe we should make natiowide marriage counseling a requirement before getting married?
Nah then people would say the government was intervening in ways that they shouldn’t, and that’s probably true. But I just can’t help but feel like we give far more thought to things that don’t matter th=an we do to the things that do. By that I mean we are so concerned about things like, oh I don’t know, gay couples who actually love each other, but we give little attention to the fact that the divorce rate among heterosexuals is going through the roof and families are losing out as a result.
Too many people have such a disposable attitude towards relationships. I mean how many people do we know that have left a relationship once the “new” has worn off or left a marriage because it’s not perfect. I don’t mean there are not valid and good reasons to leave a relationship because there are but so often people just don’t want to do the work that is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.
Two thoughts—-one, I would question the premise that marriage is… “the most powerful connection anyone can have to another person in a love relationship”. Perhaps I’m misreading this statement (or reading too much into it), but I believe that a parent-child love is an even more powerful love/connection.
Two, while divorce is undoubtedly painful, perhaps we need to be questioning the institution of marriage itself. Is it still a viable institution? I would love to hear/read feedback.
Hi George – You are absolutely right about the power of a connection with one’s children. I tried to make it clearer by using the phrase “love relationship” but maybe this didn’t quite get the point across. While the attachment to children is powerful in it’s own right, a love relationship between two adults offers a different kind of connection that holds it’s own weight. In response to point #2, I completely agree about questioning the institution of marriage and I actually address this topic in my next blog. Stay tuned!
Going through a divorce can be difficult, especially if the separating spouses have been married for some time or have tried their best to salvage the relationship. However, if irreconcilable differences have arisen or if one of the spouses has been unfaithful, then a divorce may be a blessing for both parties. Despite this new direction their lives have taken, and the emotions that can accompany a divorce, for many divorcing couples, separating is the best option and brings with it a host of benefits.
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