Unjustly Accused: Divorce, Alcoholism, and the Alcohol Treatment Trap
November 6th, 2008 |
A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. & Ed Wilson, Ph.D., MAC
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“Two things will be believed about any man whatsoever, and one is that he has taken to drink.” -Booth Tarkington
It isn’t unusual for people to seek treatment for their alcohol abuse problems when divorce is looming on the horizon. Indeed, probably two thirds of our clients come to us with crumbling marriages. What is surprising is that at a few of these clients don’t really have an alcohol problem and many of the rest are abusing alcohol, but aren’t alcoholics.
How does that happen?
Simply put, the treatment industry has promoted a Catch-22 model: if you’re accused of being an alcoholic and you agree, then obviously you are. But if you don’t agree then you still are – you’re just in denial. As Mr. Tarkington observed long ago, it’s a label that can be hurled at anyone and it will stick. And divorcing spouses like to use it just for that reason, it will stick and they will be able to leverage it to get what they want or at least make your life miserable for a while longer.
What is the reality? At a recent conference in western Canada, one presenter after another pointed out what a few of us have known for a long time, most people seeking help with their alcohol problems aren’t alcohol dependent “alcoholics” – they’re alcohol abusers who can be cured. But you won’t hear that if you go looking for help, or, God help you, an honest evaluation.
Why not? Because over 95% of all alcohol treatment programs are based on the assumption that you’re a powerless and diseased alcoholic, or you’re an alcoholic who’s in denial. Regardless, the outcome of any evaluation will be to put you in one of those two categories and “treat” you accordingly. It’s not an attractive prospect for anyone who actually cares about their future.
Options? Your choices are few and far between, and you’re probably in a vulnerable state, too. Not the best circumstances for making life altering decisions. But before you allow yourself to be labeled through a process that has only one outcome and one prescription, protect yourself by doing at least a bit of research.
First, simply go to a few AA meetings. You will know almost immediately whether or not this model will work for you. If it does, then simply continue. You don’t need to waste tens of thousands of dollars on 12 Step based treatment that’s already available to you for free right in your own neighborhood.
Second, if you don’t find yourself at home at these meetings, then there’s little point in going to traditional treatment. Paying to go to meetings isn’t going to make them any more effective – just the opposite. Most treatment programs will also leave you with a permanent, and public, label. That’s something that can come back to haunt you in the future whether you decide to run for public office or buy life or health insurance.
Third, consider the options. Read through the web sites of organizations like Moderation Management ( www.moderation.com ), the Harm Reduction Network (www.hamsnetwork.org ), and GoodTherapy.org for programs and individuals who do not ascribe to traditional – and ineffectual – treatment.
Finally, resist being labeled, demeaned, and railroaded. Regardless of whether you are being smeared, or are abusing alcohol, or are indeed alcohol dependent, you deserve to be assessed and helped with respect, care, competence, and confidentiality. Do not allow yourself to be diminished and manipulated by others’ agendas.
Remember, there are alternatives, and you aren’t powerless.
For more information about Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. & Ed Wilson, Ph.D., MAC visit http://www.non12step.com
©Copyright 2008 Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. & Ed Wilson, Ph.D., MAC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.
24 comments so far
Well, I have to confess that I drink alcohol regularly. But there are no problems with my marriage at all. Maybe because I am not addicted to alcohol, I can do without it if I want.
I think it’s great that there is a program, like AA, that is also free for people who have a problem with alcohol. I’m sure some people are a little hesitant and embarrassed, but like you point out, if it’s not for you then you can always find another alternative.
I used to work in an alcohol and drug rehab for women and have seen how these programs can help addicts. I have seen some where it takes several slips to finally get it right. It does affect the family, if you tend to abuse alcohol, but I know there are many of us who drink, as I do, that it doesn’t phase our relationships.
Your article is truly an eye opener, I have been to many AA centers with my alcoholic father and he has always denied the fact that he is an addict and it always used to make me mad. You hit the nail on the head by stating that one needs to treat the person with respect and understanding rather than pushing him into it headlong. No wonder my dad has been resisting all our efforts for therapy.
its great to know that there are many organizations involved in the helping the alcohol dependent in non traditional ways. Coming from a a family where I have seen alcohol abuse, I can say that it definitely affects the relationships within the family. Sometimes its the family that needs more support and understanding than the addict himself.
That is how these treatment facilities make their money, by convincing us all that we have a problem!
It’s true that most treatment facilities are based on two ideas: 1. you have a problem if we say you do (and we always do); and 2. you shopuld pay us lots of money for something that is readily available for free in dozens of locations around you.
That certainly does simplify things for everyone, even if it never helps and leaves most individuals, couples, and familes worse off for having gone through it.
I believe some of these facilities work if you want them to work. I agree, there are programs, such as AA, you can get for free. Any help would be beneficial.
my aunt used to have an alcohol problem and I wished so many times she would get help. I have seen what it could do to loved ones and seen how helpless I was that I couldn’t help her. Fortunately, she got help and has been sober for 2 years now.
So if this is the case, and i am assuming that a number of the professionals who contribute here do indeed believe that is the case about treatment facilities, then how do we begin to get this message across to the masses? Obviously this goes against what we have all learned in years past, so how do we go about changing the public perception that all alcohol abusers are indeed addicted and without hope for a cure? Obviously reading here would open a lot of eyes but not everyone is reading at this site. How do we hold these facilities who are promising miracles accountable for not doing what they say theye are going to do, which is to put a stop to the abuse cycle?
Actually, not all “programs” are helpful. Those which stress “powerlessnes” and the “disease” concept, while they occasionally help a particular individual, harm far more people than they help, as well as making it possible for people to excuse their alcohol use as beyond their control and responsibility, which it clearly isn’t 99% of the time.
The problem really goes back over 30 years when hucksters in Minnesota began marketing AA as for profit “cure”. They continue to have great success with what many of us refer to as the “King’s new clothes” model.
My friend from college hails from a wealthy family. The kids were given the best of everything in life except genuine care. He married young for all the wrong reasons. His wife left him leaving a drinking habit behind in her memory. He’s been through deaddiction centres aplenty some of the best that money can buy but he hasnt been able to stay off booze for any period longer than a month.
Don’t you think that men suffer more than women when the “alcoholic” terminology is used? The label seems to be more detrimental for them because I still feel that even today divorce cases and custody cases are skewed to be more beneficial to the female in the case. If a man, a father, is labeled an abuser, he will automatically come to be known as a loser and a drunk, causing irreparable harm to the family and his children. Perhaps we should all be more careful of assigning those types of labels in the first place, and like this article says, be more aware of what we are doing to people as a society when we willy nilly assign these labels without having a full understanding of the story.
Thank you, and your comment is well taken. Things have changed over the past 30 years and with child custody in particular becoming a bit more of a balanced issue the hurled accusations are also, sadly, becoming a more common smear either way.
Thanks for making a point, Nigel – your friend’s situation is, unhappily, typical. He goes off to treatment and the underlying motivation to keep drinking is never addressed. That’s because the model is faulty, regardless of the amount of money spent. Most treatment programs today operate on a basis comparable to when doctors bled patients to “cure” them. Still sick? Drain off more blood. We know now that that was a completely false model. Current treatment is now pushing for more days, 90 rather than 30, their equivelent of drawing more blood. And it doesn’t matter how expensive the program, the problem remains that the model is faulty.
I agree on the legal system being a little more balanced on the child custody rights. I have something to say however as an aside to the legal system and drinking while driving. My brother got married and my sister had 2 glasses of champagne and had to go to the local supermarket to buy something that was needed for the reception party. She was not drunk but yes she had alcohol on her breath when she got into an accident. It was a hill road and a rabbit ran across. She veered slightly but lost control because of the roads being wet and killed a motorist coming opposite. She was put into jail despite turning herself in and she has been in and out of court ever since. She is being bled legally and is a train wreck mentally today.
The reason that I commented previously the way that I did is because this happened to my family. My mother during the divorce from my father, my mother was very manipulative and simply had to only throw around suggestions that my father was an alcoholic and poof- he was gone from our lives. It took me a long time reestablish contact with him after being m.i.a from our lives for so many years. Granted he was not without fault either but I have witnessed first hand how damaging these kinds of comments can be. It makes me want to tell everyone to be careful of the things you say to and about others because you never really know the ways that these words can come back to haunt you. I know that things are a little better today than years ago when my family faced this issue but it is still one of those situations that is so easy to turn against another.
Alcoholism is an ugly thing no matter who is hurling the nasty words.
Granted – but even uglier when the hurled words have no basis in fact, which is more often than not the case…
Alcoholism not only kills the person, it leaves wounds that wont heal on the family. Treating an alcoholic with dignity is one way of making treatment effective
We agree completely – and it helps a lot too if the treatment method is also based on what actually works rather than the failed and demeaning approaches of the past 50 years.
I have a brother in law who is an alcoholic and many times his wife would ask him to seek help. Of course, he voices he doesn’t need it and it causes a lot of conflict in their family. I hate to see alcoholism ruin their marriage and family as we all know he needs to get help. I do know that it doesn’t help matters when everyone is telling him to get help, he needs to realize it on his own.
I agree with Megan, we need to try to be their for our loved ones who has an addiction to alcohol, but help them to keep their dignity at the same time. It is hard when the person with the problem doesn’t see this for themselves, but I think getting education for ourselves to help others will give us the tools we need to help the ones who need it.
The situation is always difficult, but is made more so by people who want others to change, rather than changing their approach to the “problem person.” An inpopular reality is that you can’t force someone else to change a behavior, and being the “alcohol police” isn’t any different than being the “food police,” or the “cigarette police. If you want someone to change then you need to change, disengage, and see what happens. You may discover that the other person prefers alcohol to you – but you probably already know that.
Unhappily, most of us actually prefer the security of predictable misery to nn uncertain future. Also the status of being the “saint (there’s a reson why most wives divorce husbands who quit drinking and remarry active drinkers). But that’s the way it is…