When Depression Can’t Be Cured
February 9th, 2012
By Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, Depression Topic Expert Contributor
Depression doesn’t go away for everyone. For most people, depression is temporary and passes naturally or passes once the person has expressed the feelings and resolved the thoughts causing the depression. But there are a small percentage of people who can talk about their issues, express their feelings, take very good care of themselves emotionally, even take medication and have a great life and still be depressed throughout their entire lives. They may have periods of feeling good, periods of feeling less bad, and periods of feeling horrible, but the depression never goes away permanently.
Major depressive disorder is the medical term for repeated episodes of a very intense, deep depression that is disabling and enormously painful. People who have bipolar suffer similar disabling depression during their depressive phase. Often, between episodes, people return to a functional, happy state. Sometimes people can also have a milder depression, even between episodes of major depression.
There are also people with “atypical” depression who can be in a deep depressive episode and yet appear to come out of it long enough to laugh or enjoy something briefly, before sinking back in or can act normal for short periods. This can be confusing to both the depressed person and to other people. This isn’t an indication that the person is any less depressed or any less in danger than someone in a major depressive episode who doesn’t have those brief breaks. It’s just a different form. Atypical depression is also characterized by feeling emotionally paralyzed, physically leaden—barely able to move or engage in any activity, and often overeating, oversleeping, and experiencing sensitivity to rejection.
It’s difficult for most people to understand any kind of deep depression if they haven’t experienced it. What people see with illnesses or injuries is a runny nose, blood, expressions of acute physical pain, or an X-ray of what hurts. What people see when someone is seriously depressed is a person who isn’t doing anything; this person may be crying or snapping at them or sounding insecure and hopeless. These are behaviors we associate with personality and moral character—we think these are choices people are making, not an illness that has taken over their personality. Most people wonder why the unrelentingly depressed person doesn’t just get over it and may even wonder if it’s a manipulation or if the person is just lazy, weak, or giving into something they could fight. It is difficult for the person who experiences it to describe it, because it is intensely painful, but not in any particular part of the body. It can be totally debilitating and sometimes even fatal.
People with chronic severe depression are not indulging themselves, lazy, giving in, manipulating, or exaggerating their pain and dysfunction. Taking this view is destructive to them and the situation. While this kind of depression can be described as an illness, compared to other debilitating, painful, potentially fatal illnesses, it is pretty unique in the affect it has on people’s minds, behavior, personality, and thought process. When the mind is part of the illness, other people may not recognize the ill one as the person they love, and that makes it more difficult to be patient, to take care of them, and to remember what they loved about the person, much like when a loved one has Alzheimer’s disease.
Of course this is all true for someone who has one episode of major depression, but it becomes much more complicated when it is recurring and takes over a person’s life. We know that statistically, every major depressive episode someone has makes additional episodes more likely. So once a person has had two or three such episodes, it’s pretty clear that more of them will happen and likely with increasing frequency. It’s also likely that during significant hormonal events, such as menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, perimenopause, and menopause, women with recurring major depressive episodes will be especially vulnerable to having another episode.
How does a person live with a chronic disability that can’t be effectively described to those around them? How do people function? How do loved ones take care of them long-term? How do relationships survive?
Next time I’ll talk about how the loved ones of someone who goes into deep depressions can best handle relating to that person.
Related articles:
Depression as Trickster and Communicator
Unrelenting Sadness Experience of Depression
© Copyright 2012 by Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, therapist in El Cerrito, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
I grew up with a mother who has never been happy, has always been depressed and we as kids were always trying to find out ways to make her happy. Nothing ever did. And that hurt us as kids not knowing that it was not us making her unhappy, that that was just her state of being and there was nothing that we could do to bring her out of that funk. Eventually I know that is what killed her, you can’t live and thrive with that kind of sadness and depression in your life all of the time. There is no one who could stand that.
People have to wANT TO HELP THEMSELVES. They can’t get better unless a part of them wants it, but if that happens then they stop getting all that attention from families and docs and stuff. And they would not be able to function at all without that.
it is important to remember that there is a big difference between just being sad and being clinically depressed. and while people do have to do something to help themselves it is also important to note that sometimes when you get so depressed there may honestly feel like there is no way out, and in those cases it gets kind of hard to help yourself. you have to have someone step in and offer you more help than what you can do alone.
Its bad enough to be depressed n not have people understand you but to go through something like this could make a person further depressed by itself!
I have known people before that for them being depressed is like their natural state of being. They have never been anything but that so this is just who they are.
Thank you all for your compassionate thoughts about people who are deeply suffering and very limited in how much they can control it. It’s not always easy to be patient with someone who is chronically depressed. I hope some who feel this way are reading your kind thoughts.
chyeah, they have to WANT to help themselves and who of us wants to get out of HELL ON EARTH when we are getting all this attention, sheesh, some people need to get a grip before they comment
Get over it. I hear that a lot in subtle and not so subtle ways. I am 35 now and have been dragging myself through the days for about 30 years.
Do I WANT to get over it? Absolutely. Is that going to happen? After years of drugs and therapy, I’d have to say no. The idea that I’m enjoying the ‘attention’ that comes with depression is ludicrous. You don’t get attention when you’re depressed, you get scorn. You get people who think it’s your fault for being lazy and weak-willed. You learn to hide your depression, or alienate those around you.
People who can ‘just get over it’ are people who aren’t stuck with depression.
I had a depressed and angry mother and a sociopathic father. Neither were capable of feeling anything for anyone except scorn and distrust. And yet the only help available to me as a sufferer of depression for over thirty years is a choice between drugs or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – implying that either my brain lacks some chemical or I’m some kind of dimwit whose thinking is ‘disordered’. And they wonder why these things don’t work. Give me strength!
My fiance has struggled with deep depression and anxiety most of his life. When we met and started dating in college 2 years ago he did not show symptoms at the time and we fell in love quickly and deeply. This past year and a half we have struggled to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. He wants to be happy in life but is not. He’ll blame his job and want to quit often. He’ll then go further to say that he hates people, hates how the world works and is cruel, and doesn’t see the point in it all. I have loved him through the ups and the downs and we have manged to build a strong life together. I do have fears. Fears that he will quit his job and I’ll be financially responsible for us both. Fears that he will continue to self treat with alcohol as he has given up on the ability of medicine and doctors to help him. I know that marriage will not fix this and I fear that my life will forever be dictated by his condition and that one day I will resent him or have to leave him. I want to be strong and be the support that he needs but I want to be happy too. I have never posted on this issue before and I tend not to talk about this to family or friends because I don’t want them to wish us apart. If you can give any feedback or comments to help please do. Tonight was a bad night and I fear for him and our future due to the instability depression brings into our lives.
Oh Michele, you are in such a tough position. Very few if any relationships can happily survive such deep, chronic depression, especially medicated with alcohol. Before marrying him, I believe you have to ask yourself deep down inside if you can be happy with him the rest of your life if he doesn’t change, or gets worse. Many people commit to the person they love based on who they would be if they evolved into their best selves and then inevitably get disappointed and angry when their partner stays the same. At the same time, it’s important you tell him how he affects you and the minimum you need to be happy with him. Believe me, I feel for both of you, and realize how hard this is for him too, but being with a chronically depressed person is very very difficult. He may be able to minimize the effect on you, even if he can’t resolve the depression, but he may need to learn and be motivated to do that. It’s like taking care of a chronically ill partner. One of the secrets is for the ill person to do the maximum they can for themselves. This can make taking care of them more manageable for the caretaker.
Bryson,
I really believe you have no idea what you are saying. Obviously, you do not suffer from a mental disorder. I think it would be best if you would not respond to subjects that you know nothing about. Honestly, it makes you look quite ignorant! If you really want to know, people with mental disorders do not want attention. That is the farthest from what they want. All that I and others want is to get better. To able to function in this world. Have some compassion.
Love,
The Depressed
Cynthia Lubow, MFT
I just wanted to say that I loved your article and I’m looking forward to more. I am planning to read this to my husband tonight. I hope that this will give him insight to how I feel. It has been hard on us both. But I truly feel that understanding and acceptance is key. Thank you.
Thank you for your article. I’ve found it very difficult to find any validation of how I feel anywhere on the internet or with therapists. For over 40 years, I’ve dealth with nearly constant suicidal ideation, to the point that it simply makes up part of my daily routine. I’ve made attempts, obviously unsuccessful, and I’ve tried all manner of treatment to have these thoughts blocked.
Am I depressed? Probably. Do I show it? I have a successful career, I own a home, I volunteer the equivalent of one month per year, I donate money to many causes, I exercise regularly, journal when I feel like it, and take medication.
I have been a member of two long-term, multi-month wilderness expeditions, I participate in extreme sports, I contribute to the raising and development of three children, none of whom are biologically mine. I write music and record music, play multiple instruments, and compile multimedia presentations as a hobby. These presentations seem to make many people happy. I’ve been married (though not currently), I’ve been in long term relationships. I have a career in optical research, and I’m relatively highly compensated. I’ve travelled internationally. I’ve always managed to pick myself up and keep going.
All that said, most days are spent with on-going multiple conversations and thoughts in my head, all negative, all pointing to suicide, like a constant, low-grade headache.
Thank you for acknowledging that there are a few of us in society with these issues. We are not necessarily sitting at home crying. You would NEVER guess we were depressed, and if we told you, you would laugh. If we mention suicidal ideation, most of you would immediately exit our lives and never contact us again because of the shock.
Suicide is NOT a permanent solution to a temporary problem for me, because the problem is likely quite permanent, as this article gives creedence to.
I am very happy, that someone actually admits, that this sometimes cannot be cured.
I’ve been depressed my whole childhood. It got worse when I was a teenager, and now its even worse..
I’m 21.. I seem to forget my whole life sometimes.. Its very painful. Its like something evil is eating me bit for bit..
I managed to take an education, but haven’t got a job..
Cannot function in any activities at all, and I’m very afraid of my future..
I think that the depression has caused me, to be in the middle of nowhere.. Cannot concentrate, and taking another studio is impossible for me, cause my memory and concentration is all but disappeared..
I will never be the same person again, and in fact i never think that i knew.. Haven’t had any trouble with school in the past, its only now it had gotten bad..
Feel like I am dying bit by bit.
In my world there is no such thing, as learning to be a better person, cause when you experience yourself getting weaker psychological every year, you get kind of.. Whatever..
Things are so messed up..
I really wanna leave this world, and never come back again…
Hi Daniel,
Thank you for your message. Please know that there are resources available for you if you are experiencing an emergency or if you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, and it’s very important that you seek help immediately.
• Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
• Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below:
Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.
Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.
Warmest regards,
The GoodTherapy.org team
Daniel,
I’m so sorry to hear you are suffering so much! Though in a small percentage of people, depression can’t be cured, almost everyone can at least get some relief from one treatment or another. Please tell me what you’ve tried, so we can figure out what might get you some relief. You still have so much potential ahead of you!
Cynthia
My son (age 28) has been suffering on and off for the past 15 years. Now we are experiencing major problems. He has 1 year of law school left and doesn’t want to go back. His wife is ready to divorce him. He is now living with me, in anticipation of finding his own apartment, but I am scared for him to live by himself. I’m at my wits end on what to do and how to take care of him. There is no money to send him to a hospital. We can barely afford for him to see a psychologist. Help!
Karen,
I would be worried too. Can you get him to a good psychiatrist? A good diagnosis and medication evaluation could make a difference. Do you know if he’s addicted to drugs, alcohol, or anything else? Is he actually seeing a psychologist? Does he have any guns or obvious ways of killing himself or others? Will he talk to you about what he’s thinking or feeling?
He is seeing a psychiatrist that he likes. Diagnosis is severe anxiety/depressive disorder and he is taking meds. No addictions known. This began when he was in high school. He has periods of normal behavior, then sinks back down, especially when life changes occur (i.e. graduation). He had suicidal tendencies when he was young, but never actually attempted. He has been in hospitals and under treatment for some time now. Just worried that this will continue for the rest of his life. Seeing a psychologist is cost prohibitive at this point.
I am a 28 year old female. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I know I felt okay until age 9 or so, but I can’t remember how that felt. My mother, who also had major depression, was an alcoholic who would become violent with my father when she was intoxicated, and this led to an accident in which he shot her in self-defense when I was 11. He passed away while I was in college. My mother expressed love for me while she was alive, and my father was quiet and distant but I knew he loved me….but they didn’t guide me. I went to live with my godparents who I didn’t know, and they were involved in their own love affairs with prescription pills and wine, respectively. They briefly attempted to guide me, then gave up, I guess, when I had behavioral problems. I was raised by books, the internet, then a juvenile RTC for 8 months and boarding school for the remainder of high school. My only family is my sister who struggles with alcoholism, and I myself often resort to substance abuse. I have been through many programs, many institutions such as residential treatment centers, therapy, and an endless list of medications, and nothing has helped. I am now at what is rock-bottom so far, though I always manage to drill lower and lower. The limitations of mental health knowledge and medicine are just a harsh reality I have been thinking about lately. Although it should give me hope that we will probably keep making new discoveries in the area, it doesn’t help me feel any better now, and I wonder if the progress of the modern world is directly inverse to the degree and incidence of depression in humans, because of the way some aspects of our lifestyle have evolved. I know logically that self-medicating will only make things worse, but I feel so paralyzed and trapped, I am almost always desperate for some relief. I’m not using any substance or dosing to any degree that is readily apparent to the few people in my life, and when I have in the past, I have put myself somewhere where I simply did not have a choice. It feels like going to a prison and paying for a stay there. I put the money I got from my parents’ estate into a trust, and there’s enough that I don’t have to work, So, being depressed and not having the usual motivation of “not working equals not surviving”, I feel utterly paralyzed. Most people who don’t have to work are envied because they spend their lives in recreation and leisure, but I am not interested in doing anything. I want to be. I feel so much shame. I am ashamed that everyone around me thinks I am incredibly lucky to be in my financial situation, and to an extent I know I am. I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have this safety net. On the other hand, it feels impossible to force myself to do *anything*. There are periods when I have this indescribable feeling, where I can’t even bring myself to put in the usual effort to self-medicate. I feel lazy, spoiled, worthless, and sometimes, evil. I was in law school with a big scholarship up to 3 years ago, then withdrew, got engaged, and went through a terrible series of break-ups and reconciliations with another mentally unhealthy person. Since last year, I haven’t been able to do anything or maintain anything resembling a functioning life. Some people tell me to get over it, and some express sympathy. Those who purport to understand tell me to exercise, go out and volunteer, etc. I want to. I have in the past. Right now, though, they might as well be telling me to leap across an ocean. I am sitting here trapped in my head, wanting to want to move, having a second-order desire to move, I guess. But I don’t. I wonder if it’s just because I “won’t”. I don’t understand how I could both have and not have the will to function and be productive. Yesterday I called a psychiatrist I saw once last year (I had a psychiatrist when I was with my fiance, but we lived in another state; every time he flipped out, I would come back to my home state), and we talked, but I wasn’t completely honest because I feared her reaction. I have a deep, *deep* fear of rejection. It causes me to allow myself to be treated in ways that make me feel taken advantage of. I have an appointment with her next week, but I never make it there; I scheduled several appointments with her last year and missed them. Our talk last night was via phone. I don’t have anyone who knows how bad this really is. I act cheerful and bubbly when people are around; it’s not even a conscious thing, I just revert to this mode. I have a good idea of how this behavior developed. I have a pretty good idea of a lot of stuff that might traditionally be viewed as the “why” behind behavior, but knowing this stuff hasn’t been helpful so far in changing anything. In fact, knowing rationally that self-medicating is bad, this is why I am the way I am, etc, but feeling like I’m unable to change the way I feel anyway and not having the motivation to force myself to do things like exercise to increase endorphins makes me hate myself. I attempted suicide once in the past (had been addicted to cocaine and gone to the country to stop cold turkey; ended up feeling pretty miserable, and probably should have succeeded in ending my life but was lucky. I no longer go anywhere near that stuff) but I don’t feel like killing myself. I used to say I just didn’t want to wake up, but that isn’t what I feel now either. I want the amazing life I know I could have. So is this just laziness? I am finding it difficult to articulate exactly what I want to convey, and I am pretty surprised I even wrote this, but these comments helped me to know I’m not alone. I sometimes feel like going to a program like Austin Riggs, but I don’t want to once again tell my trustee I need more help & more money for help, as I have left several programs AMA, and I am afraid to go somewhere I might want to leave again. I have completed programs only because I felt like I would be too harshly judged for leaving, and the thought of being in that position again is just…I can’t even think of a word. After reading about this stuff, I am crushed by the thought that I will be this way until it simply gets so bad I kill myself. I wonder, though, if the fact I don’t want to kill myself is a sign there is some chance of recovery. I think about suicide in a detached way, like trying to imagine hanging myself, and I just don’t think that I would ever be able to, nor do I want to. So here I am, somewhere in between limbo and hell yet fully in both at the same time. I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could think of something that makes me happy…but nothing does. I feel like a “bad” person. I say to myself “well, it isn’t as bad as you make it out to be, or else you’d feel motivated to fix it”. But if never feeling good or motivated is the main problem, does that change the usual dynamic between desire, motivation, and action? I don’t know why I wrote this; I don’t know what to do and typing is the most I feel I can do right now, I guess. I am afraid someone(s) will express scorn or disgust or just dislike for the way I am handling this, i.e. avoidance and no effort, but I felt compelled to put this in writing, somewhere, anywhere.
Sorry, to correct/clarify: I wonder the the advancement of medicine and technology is related to the degree and incidence/degree of depression- not whether the two are inversely proportional (d’oh) but whether the former exacerbates the latter. If I had more to do and less time to think, would I be happier? I could be doing more, but I’m already depressed, and can’t/won’t motivate myself. At least in modernized places, we live very different lives than our ancestors, and the focus is less on basic survival and more on what I can only describe as things not “absolutely, biologically necessary to life”. I don’t see this as necessarily bad, it just might be a factor in my case.
Karen,
All I can think of for you with your son is to listen without criticism to what he is thinking and feeling. If you can make yourself (or someone who can listen and give him lots of attention) available to him as much as possible, that may be all that can be done, and he will have to do the rest. Expect him to do whatever he can, even if it takes a great deal of effort, and don’t expect him to do what he can’t–based on a realistic assessment of him in the current moment.
Cynthia
Paige,
I do think it’s a good sign that you don’t want to die, and you do see that you have the potential to have a great life, and you want that life! I can’t make you do what you need to do to feel better, but I can encourage you to be honest with your psychiatrist, and keep looking and asking for help until you feel good and are living the life you are capable of. If you can get trauma and grief counseling, maybe a good EMDR therapist to help you resolve stuff–that could make a huge difference.
If I were you, I would force myself to go to an AA meeting everyday no matter what. I don’t know much about you, but I think you need community to support you, I think you need tremendous support to stay sober and replace alcohol’s compelling comfort. Sometimes motivation is possible when you don’t think about what to do at all–just do it without thought. You, like most depressed people probably need to commit to a schedule–meetings can be a start. Work gives people a schedule effortlessly–yours will be harder, but you still need it, and need to commit to it.
If you can think of anything that might give you pleasure without negative consequences, or even something that used to give you pleasure, seek it out–even drops of pleasure–pleasant smells, music you like, people you like, massage, nature, water–whatever gives you drops or more of pleasure–do as much as you can of these, on schedule, including AA meetings, and when you can, add aerobic exercise. But start with one thing–once you accomplish that, add something. Do what you can and commit to doing it on schedule.
Check back with us and let us know how and what you’re doing in a week, ok?
Cynthia
“get over it” Get over the high blood pressure, the high blood sugar, the broken leg! really! those of you who say this so easily are basically just ignorant. I’m a 47 year old nurse who hasn’t been able to work for nearly four years because my depression over the last 23 years has become so unmanageable. I would love to “get over it” love to go back to work, socialize with friends and family, spend good, quality time with my daughters and grandchildren. Who the hell would want to live like this…always making excuses not to go somewhere, to visit loved ones, to say how sorry you are for feeling so damn bad, for hurting someone’s feelings. to lose friends because of it. do people apologize for having medical disorders of other types… Nope! do they get stupid remarks from people, feel ashamed of being sick???? !!!!! you have no idea how hard “we” struggle. You get over it! one day it could be you.
guess it’s my fault too that grown men were all over me from the time i was 4. you don’t know what people have gone threw and how they have had to find a way to live instead of killing themselves. easy to say, “what i would do if i were you” well, you’re not. must be nice.
be great if depression was another vital sign that could be shown on a meter. right?
so out of here.
Well said, Robin. Thank you! I imagine most people on this thread agree with you, but I know there are plenty of people who don’t get it, and that adds to the pain and frustration of coping with depression.
IT MAKES ME FURIOUS TO READ A COMMENT LIKE BRYSON’S… YEAH, A PERSON WITH MAJOR DEPRESSION WHO HAS MERELY EXISTED FOR YEARS RATHER THAN HAVING AN ACTUAL “LIFE”.. REALLY DOESN’T WANT TO GET WELL… HE OR SHE HAS TRIED EVERY MEDICINE AND TREATMENT THERAPY KNOWN TO MAN- IT’S COST THEM A FORTUNE- AND STILL THEY HAVE NO JOY, NO HOPE, NOTHING…… EXCEPT CONSTANT SADNESS, TEARS, LONELINESS, FEAR, FEELINGS OF GUILT, HOPELESSNESS, WORTHLESSNESS,NO SELF-CONFIDENCE AT ALL, INABILITY TO EVEN HELP THEMSELVES ANYMORE DUE TO YEARS OF HAVING NOTHING WORK AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND THE DOCTOR WHO ACTUALLY MIGHT BE HAVING SUCCESS WITH THIS TYPE OF DEPRESSION.
YEAH, BRY, WE ALL WANT THE ABOVE, DON’T WE?
ON… YOU ALSO MENTIONED ALL THE ATTENTION AND WONDERFUL THINGS WE GET FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS. SOME OF US DONT HAVE FAMILIES ANYMORE… AND NEWS FLASH: MOST FRIENDS BECOME FED UP AFTER PUTTING UP WITH JUST A LITTLE BIT OF BEING WITH THOSE OF US WITH THIS CRIPPLING ILLNESS! WE AREN’T ALWAYS THE BEST COMPANY WHEN EVERY PART OF OUR BEING WANTS TO DIE TO GET AWAY FROM THIS SADNESS AND DESPAIR. OH, ONE OTHER THING: FAMILY MEMBERS WHO DON’T LOVE US UNCONDITIONALLY AND DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW DEPRESSION CAN MAKE US FEEL DO NOT GIVE US ATTENTION AND CARE! NOT AT ALL! INSTEAD, I HEARD FROM MY COUSIN, MY CLOSEST RELATIVE AFTER THE DEATHS OF MY BELOVED PARENTS: “I’M SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THAT DARN DEPRESSION!”
DO I SOUND ANGRY? ANGER AND IMPATIENCE ARE ALSO GIFTS FROM DEPRESSION. BEFORE I BECAME SO DEPRESSED, I LIKED EVERYONE AND WOULD NEVER HAVE WRITTEN AN EMAIL LIKE THIS. HOWEVER, YEARS OF UNHAPPINESS AND NO HOPE CAN CHANGE A PERSON.
bravo Sharon.
I am on my “smart” phone so I missed the post you so passionately responded to. none the less I can tell you speak from real hard won experience.
This hateful disease has been visiting my life since my 20′s so 20 plus years of pursuing different western traditional medical intervention, with no lasting results to date. Frustrating and gut wrenching.
My heart, which once was full of life pours out to you and fellow sufferers.
I’d love to connect with you for any support and insight we might share.
Wish you an opportunity to live free of depression!
Cheers
Jon
so well said, thank you for clearly stating my personal outrage when I see evidence of the all too common ignorance associated with this disease.
And thank you for your service as a nurse, that is a tremendous gift. I hope you are able to experience peace.
My very best to you,
Jon
Wow Paige,
Probably not what you want here, but I was struck with your articulate voice. You are lacking motivation as many of us with major depression do, but I’ll just purt it out there, KEEP WRITING, and while you are at it contact me for mutual support and motivation.
Wishing you peace and a life without this debilitating effects of this cruel disease.
My best
Jon
There is no stereotype associated with mentall illness, and particularly depression, that I can’t stand more than the ole “attention seeking” assumption. As if a life lived in the abscence of purpose and hope is something you could just get over. I think that is what seems to get to me the most- the lack of purpose. It is the most debilitating aspect of my depression- the fact that what makes up our society is so ridiculous, how we, as human beings, are torn apart by such trivial things, and how, after it is all said and done, you just die. And that is really the bottom line. A life having so much potential of great peace and beauty, destroyed by the walls of our society, by the norms of society, the standardism of everyday life- yet in the end, we’re all just going to die anyways. And it sounds so ridiculous and petty to some- they think it is an excuse for my laziness. As a junior in high school, I spend most of my time sleeping as possible- just to not feel the environment I’m in for a couple of minutes, and I no longer feel like I should waste my time communicating with others. Teachers always say stuff like “Poor Leah” or “oh, you’re just so special” in this really sarcastic and just plain ignorant tone- I don’t know how to respond to them other than the teenage eye roll. That’s another thing. They always think depression in any teenager is just a result of teenage angst. They love to belittle the issues of someone, such as myself, suffering from a mental illness (which, after suffering from this since I was 6 or 7, is more of a lifestyle condition)- and it makes all the other students feel so much better and stronger than me- teachers have told some of them to not be around me, those kids just love to mock me- or any person who suffers from any mental illness- saying “UGGGHHH I’m so depressed”. I’m not asking them to care or be concerned about me, but it brings me this terrible, apalling sadness to know that this is how they are- that they will go on to be insensitive and indifferent towards everyone who differs from them for the rest of their lives. I wish I could say something to them, but I just don’t know what.
And the only thing that keeps me going is the naive thought that things will one day better.
“All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water, and that is the tragedy of living.”
-Unknown
Has anyone found that their depression has changed as they’ve got older?
I found in my younger days I had crying episodes and that was a big part of the depression, but now I no longer cry. I often thought about suicide but back then that’s all it was, just thoughts and knowing that there wouldn’t be any follow through – and besides, I couldn’t put my family through that anyway. I used to be a caring person and full of empathy – That’s how I used to be, but that’s changed.
Now I feel like I’m a lot colder as the years have passed, I no longer really care about people like I used to, and actually feel that with every passing day suicide is becoming more of a reality.
- no, I’m not attention seeking, or looking for sympathy, I’m genuinely interested if anyone else has exerienced changes in their depression? I’m not sure if subconsiously I’ve tried to become detached from my friends and family which would make it easier to end my life if that makes sense? I know I’ve not purposely tried to change my feelings/depression, I’m just trying to make sense of what’s happening and why.
So if anyone has anything to add then fire away.
Cheers
Well said Sharon, Robin,Paige and Jon. It was good to read your posts.
I feel so deeply for all of you. I too would love to work again, use my talents, enjoy life even some of the time, but effective treatment seems elusive. (Bryson obviously is just another ignorant , judgemental member of society who rather than educate himself would prefer to criticize. Ignore him.!)
The only thing that brings me any relief is forcing myself to play an hour’s hard racketball. For the next few hours I feel normal. No other form of exercise seems to work-it has to be nearly exhausting.I’ve read all the hype on how exercise is as effective as Zoloft-well, maybe for some it is. I’ve had so many prolonged deep episodes it takes a lot more. Maybe something similar could bring relief to others who have given up believing exercise can be that helpful.
I wish I had an answer. I have lost track of the hours I have spent researching treatment, talking to therapists, taking meds, changing diets, taking supplements,etc. The only decent relief I had was from ECT, so please don’t be afraid of it if you haven’t tried it. Yes, I did lose some longterm memory, but life’s a compromise-right? I would do it again if there was anyone close who still did it-I’m that desperate again.
I personally think Marujana shoud be legalized for severe depression-to just get a break for an hour or so. I’ve had several really major surgeries and they were a breeze compared with living with the hell of depression. the nurses couldn’t do enough to make sure i wasn’t in pain-which i appreciated-don’t get me wrong!
To continue, we know this is real, and it takes more courage and strength to deal with every day than anything else I can imagine. I feel connected to all of you who are also suffering, and in addition dealing with the hurt that comes from everyone else’s ignorance and lack of understanding.
I’m sure you all know this, but if it could help 1 person it’s worth posting-a low thyroid(even IF your values are within normal range), can compound the issue. Likewise low vit D levels and adrenal fatigue .Insist on a check.
Please reply-so glad I found this website. I am sick and tired of reading of ‘cures’ -the majority posted by those who have never had a days depression in their lives, and yet think they have all the answers for all us folk who ‘like’ being depressed, ‘don’t want to help ourselves’, or are somehow supposedly deriving benefit from feeling so awful, losing our jobs, friends and lives!
I am/was actually also a licensed social worker in the mental health field. I mostly worked with children /adolescents doing play and art therapy.
I have battled depression for 30 years, and have lost 3 careers because of it.It began immediately after the birth of my eldest daughter, happened again after my second and since then has become more and more prevalent , with longer episodes responding very poorly to meds. I’m still married-somehow, but it has taken it’s toll, that’s for sure. It produces incredible guilt for me for the effect my illness has had on my husband and daughters. I know I can be hard to live with when depressed, and in retrospect I wish my children had gone to counseling as I way underestimated the effect it was having on them growing up. My husband and I did go to counseling, but the focus was not my depression, but our relationship, which of course was primarily suffering because of me.
If folk cannot afford counseling, i would suggest NAMI( website NAMI.org). They have free support groups in most towns nationwide. There are also free courses for consumers, run by those who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. They also have free support and classes for family members, helping them to understand what their loved ones are going through.It is a wonderful advocacy organization for those living with mental illness. Please check it out. Their website contains a wealth of information for all affected by mental illness.
I have asperger syndome i need to talk to someone so badly
Hi Wesley,
Thank you for your comment. We want to make sure that you have resources to find a therapist or talk to someone as soon as possible.
Please visit this link to find a therapist: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html You can even select “developmental disorders” in the drop-down menu for Concerns, and search specifically for therapists who are familiar with and work with Asperger’s.
If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:
• Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
• Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
• Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.
Warm regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Thank you for the initial article that started this thread.
I’m 58, and have been depressed since about age 5. I’ve been through so many drugs, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, therapists, and support groups,and nothing helps much.
Maybe the hardest part for me is that it sucks the life out of me, so I can’t find the strength or energy to do even the most mundane of tasks.
The only thing that has kept me on this planet for so long is my husband, whom I love with all my heart and soul, and vice-versa. As long as he is here, I am here. If he dies before me, there is no further reason for me to hang around, so I will be only minutes behind him. I have prepared things so that I won’t have to try to think about what needs doing in the distress of the moment. I have drafted a note telling what to do our remains and our dogs, if any are still living at that time, and I will attach their medical records. There will be no note of “explanation” – there is no way to explain.
There is one note I’ve considered leaving: “That’s it. I’m done. This is me, opting out”.
One more thing:
Paige, so much of what you wrote is so much like me. I, too, constantly feel worthless and ashamed, and ask myself if I’m just lazy. I blame myself for almost everything negative that happens to my husband and I. And you express what it’s like to be here, so well.
I do think, as you wondered, that if you don’t want to kill yourself, there is some chance of recovery, even if it’s a drug that actually works. There are always new ones in the pipeline.
Why is it people say seek help immediately ?? I am 41 and my wife left three yrs ago and havent had one date in that time frame. I was emotionally abuse as well as sexually neglected for 19 yrs that i was her lilly pad.. i was a project manager for a company for 17 yrs. New home and many toys couldnt buy her love.. i allowed myself to be used and abused is what i was told by my therapist which i wont deny now but that just makes things worse.. live in a small town of 100,000 and since moving here 21 yrs ago i know not one person. Havent any friends no family company closed doors and yet seek help is what i am supposed to do.. i have put a gun to my head and pulled trigger and yet i am still here, ducked taped hose to muffler to window of car and some guy broke window and was revived by paramedics,, well maybe third time is a charm.. there are some people that just have no reason to live with this much pain, emptyness, just let us die already..
Hi Michael,
People are probably saying seek help immediately, because you sound like you are intending to kill yourself, and if you do that, you have no more chance of getting the pleasure and joys life offers. I know you’re not finding that in life right now, but you undoubtably did once, and lots of opportunities can come your way for sex, love, good food, good smells, friendship, fun, adventure, beautiful things, accomplishments, successes, etc etc. If you kill yourself, you will miss all of that opportunity. I don’t want you to suffer, and that is why I also want you to seek help immediately. Please call your therapist and wait for a response, call 911, go to an emergency room, or call a suicide hotline. Give yourself another chance to get what life offers for yourself. Call: 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY) and tell them exactly what is going on. Please.
Cynthia
My oldest daughter (who will be 20 in few months) and you have same name… We used to be close and did everything together.. she could walk on the jobsite as an early teen and point out to my crew there was a problem… Good ol days… I saw her the other day and she just kept on walking… Three years of silence is enough for anybody to go insane.. i do not know anybody at all… My job is at night and i work alone… My day job tourists not locals shop there, so its not like ill find a friend there. Only employee there also… Everyone needs to be able to enjoy thier own company or they wont be able to enjoy others.. with that being said talking to walls and trees is old already.. i see my therapist in the morning and he knows everything about me, heck he is the only person i communicate with and have weekly for a year… Have delt with some things over that time but most just linger….. I am in quicksand the more i fight the tougher it gets. I think maybe youll understand better if i inform you of the straw that broke me… My ex is very beautiful, 5 – 6 , 125 lbs and i not once saw her naked or hold hands in the 19 yrs we lived together. One day 18 mos ago she handed me a mini SD card and said it was mine. Placed it in my laptop and there she was,,,,,,,, i wont go into detail but the man and her are naked and its daytime….. I turned to her and asked why she gave this video to me and her response was ” i told you i would f..k you up, ha ha ha ha ha ” …. That straw on my laptop are visions in my head that play repeatedly.. so maybe now you can realize that there are some of us that cant enjoy life anymore… I have already made my decision and have just few more things to put in order for my daughters.. someday they will understand… Thank you for your response…
Michael,
I think you have mixed feelings about killing yourself, because you’re writing to us. I’m glad you’re reaching out, and want to stay connected. Please tell us what you need from us. We’re here.
Cynthia
I am 32 years old. I live in a small town where there is much stigma in regard to mental illness. been on antidepressants since i was 16 and BEGGED for help. I was always told to ‘get over it’. I am willing to try ECT. Desperate. I can’t function. I can’t believe i made it this far today to even type, open the computer. I have no health insurance right now, but has ECT helped others when nothing else has helped? I have tried just about every antidepressant out there. I have 2 young daughters i want to enjoy life with. I hate life right now and myself. wondering if ECT could help, even if for a bit….
I am deep into my third major episode of major clinical depression. It feels the darkness will not lift. I am a strong follower of Jesus, and my deepest longing is to be with him in heave…he promises that nothing, including life or death or the unseen prriccipalitird fightin against me…NOTHING CAN SEPARATE…INCLUDIND ME can separate me from his love …I am sealed by the Holy Spirit…god does not unadopt me . Whom have I have in Heaven? And Earth has nothing I desire besides you,my heart and my flesh,but remains my strength forever,,,sealed eternally be the redeeming work of Jesus…I am a con heir with JEsus…all reseasons I will abdicate in a heartbeat, as soon as my God fulfill the deepest yearning of my heat peace,
Jenna, if you are in your third major depressive episode, does that mean you felt very differently between episodes? Usually depression colors people’s outlook so severely that they can’t see that most of the time they feel so much better.
I am 25 years old I’m pretty sure I have been somewhat depressed all of my life. I remember when I was a child I would stay in my room a lot and be sad and I wasn’t really sure why, just sort of feeling incomplete. My father struggles with depression, and perhaps my family life wasn’t perfectly healthy growing up but we love each other. I am very introverted but I’ve always had plenty of friends, now have a degree and steady job. The incomplete feeling has never left me, even in my happiest times with my first love I remember being depressed. I’ve had my battles with drugs and alcohol and generally reckless behavior, but I have grown out of it. I tend to keep my depression to myself because I don’t want medication and don’t much like to talk about it with most people – but I struggle every day and try to smile and laugh and be a good person. I have sabotaged the few romantic relationships I’ve had in my life and it is very difficult to be this lonely, but I try to be happy about the small victories like a smile from a pretty woman that I am too anxious to talk to. The most satisfaction I ever get is through writing songs, and it is only temporary because once the song is a bit old I usually don’t care for it much anymore. Perhaps my depression will never be cured, but its part of who I am and it is all I know.
I am 50 years old and have been depressed since I was 12 or 13. I wasn’t diagnosed until 16 years ago as being bipolar manic depressive. I suffer from the depression the most. I have been on every medication known to mankind with nothing helping. My husband is threating to leave me because I don’t have the energy to clean the house, cook, wash clothes or the gumption to do anything. I can’t explain to him what depression makes me feel like, it’s not like I want to wake up feeling like this everyday of my life. I would like to know what “normal feels like. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with my dad being a alcoholic and my mother trying to “fix” him and trying to keep her family together. My father beat my mother and she put up with t till I was 21 and out of the house. My first husband died from a cerebal hemorrhage at the age of 28 and I was left with a 6 year old and a 19 month old to raise by myself. I still grieve for him. It has been 23 years in October. I married a good man who has been great to my children and they love him like their own father, but his kids hate me. They were older and I was the disciplinarian in the family. I was a hard person to get along with until I was diagnosed. My husband has put up with me for 21 years and 16 of them have been with depression. We have problems with our kids. Out of 7 children only 1 is established and doesn’t give us any problems the rest of them are on drugs or drink. We are raising one of our grandchildren. Recently some of my medication came up missing and 2 of my checks were forged. My son did this to me and has yet to tell me that he is sorry. He lives with us and has custody of his child every other week. He doesn’t pay rent, he doesn’t pay a light bill, he doesn’t pick up after his child, he doesn’t mow the grass. Basically he lives off of us. And when any of the other children need anything they come to us like we have a money tree. My husband just got a full time job after being laid off for over a year. We live off my disability check, such as it is, his little bit of retirement and now a paycheck. I know we have been too good to the kids and they should be cut off, but how do you say no to your children when they have children that will suffer if you say no. I just want help with my depression and find some medication that works so that I can function and deal with life. Any suggestions?
Cheryl,
The problems you face would be very difficult for anyone, but to have to face them when you can barely move must feel impossible. It sounds like you need a combination of good therapy and medication. What have you tried?
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