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When Depression Can’t Be Cured

Contemplative older woman
 

Depression doesn’t go away for everyone. For most people, depression is temporary and passes naturally or once the person has expressed the feelings and resolved the thoughts causing the depression. But there is a small percentage of people who can talk about their issues, express their feelings, take very good care of themselves emotionally, even take medication and have a great life, and still be depressed throughout their lives. They may have periods of feeling good, periods of feeling less bad, and periods of feeling horrible, but the depression never goes away permanently.

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Major depressive disorder is the medical term for repeated episodes of a very intense, deep depression that is disabling and enormously painful. People who are bipolar experience similar disabling depression during their depressive phase. Often, between episodes, people return to a functional, happy state. Sometimes people can also have a milder depression, even between episodes of major depression.

There are also people with “atypical” depression who can be in a deep depressive episode and yet appear to come out of it long enough to laugh or enjoy something briefly before sinking back in, or can act normal for short periods. This can be confusing to both the depressed person and to other people. This isn’t an indication that the person is any less depressed or any less in danger than someone in a major depressive episode who doesn’t have those brief breaks. It’s just a different form. Atypical depression is also characterized by feeling emotionally paralyzed, physically leaden—barely able to move or engage in any activity, and often overeating, oversleeping, and experiencing sensitivity to rejection.

It’s difficult for most people to understand any kind of deep depression if they haven’t experienced it. What people see with illnesses or injuries is a runny nose, blood, expressions of acute physical pain, or an X-ray of what hurts. What people see when someone is seriously depressed is a person who isn’t doing anything; this person may be crying or snapping at them or sounding insecure and hopeless. These are behaviors we associate with personality and moral character—we think these are choices people are making, not an illness that has taken over their personality. Most people wonder why the unrelentingly depressed person doesn’t just get over it and may even wonder if it’s a manipulation or if the person is just lazy, weak, or giving into something they could fight. It is difficult for the person who experiences it to describe it because it is intensely painful, but not in any particular part of the body. It can be totally debilitating and sometimes even fatal.

People with chronic, severe depression are not indulging themselves, lazy, giving in, manipulating, or exaggerating their pain and dysfunction. Taking this view is destructive to them and the situation. While this kind of depression can be described as an illness, compared to other debilitating, painful, potentially fatal illnesses, it is pretty unique in the affect it has on people’s minds, behavior, personality, and thought process. When the mind is part of the illness, other people may not recognize the ill one as the person they love, and that makes it more difficult to be patient, to take care of them, and to remember what they loved about the person, much like when a loved one has Alzheimer’s.

Of course this is all true for someone who has one episode of major depression, but it becomes much more complicated when it is recurring and takes over a person’s life. We know that statistically, every major depressive episode someone has makes additional episodes more likely. So once a person has had two or three such episodes, it’s pretty clear that more of them will happen and likely with increasing frequency. It’s also likely that during significant hormonal events, such as menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, perimenopause, and menopause, women with recurring major depressive episodes will be especially vulnerable to having another episode.

How does a person live with a chronic disability that can’t be effectively described to those around them? How do people function? How do loved ones take care of them long-term? How do relationships survive?

© Copyright 2012 by Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, therapist in El Cerrito, CA. All Rights Reserved.

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Comments
  • Ms Froge February 9th, 2012 at 5:51 PM #1

    I grew up with a mother who has never been happy, has always been depressed and we as kids were always trying to find out ways to make her happy. Nothing ever did. And that hurt us as kids not knowing that it was not us making her unhappy, that that was just her state of being and there was nothing that we could do to bring her out of that funk. Eventually I know that is what killed her, you can’t live and thrive with that kind of sadness and depression in your life all of the time. There is no one who could stand that.

  • Bryson February 10th, 2012 at 6:14 PM #2

    People have to wANT TO HELP THEMSELVES. They can’t get better unless a part of them wants it, but if that happens then they stop getting all that attention from families and docs and stuff. And they would not be able to function at all without that.

  • greta February 11th, 2012 at 6:48 AM #3

    it is important to remember that there is a big difference between just being sad and being clinically depressed. and while people do have to do something to help themselves it is also important to note that sometimes when you get so depressed there may honestly feel like there is no way out, and in those cases it gets kind of hard to help yourself. you have to have someone step in and offer you more help than what you can do alone.

  • Andy February 11th, 2012 at 11:47 PM #4

    Its bad enough to be depressed n not have people understand you but to go through something like this could make a person further depressed by itself!

  • Irene February 12th, 2012 at 6:01 AM #5

    I have known people before that for them being depressed is like their natural state of being. They have never been anything but that so this is just who they are.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT March 6th, 2012 at 12:58 AM #6

    Thank you all for your compassionate thoughts about people who are deeply suffering and very limited in how much they can control it. It’s not always easy to be patient with someone who is chronically depressed. I hope some who feel this way are reading your kind thoughts.

  • Elaine- March 27th, 2012 at 10:47 PM #7

    chyeah, they have to WANT to help themselves and who of us wants to get out of HELL ON EARTH when we are getting all this attention, sheesh, some people need to get a grip before they comment

  • Liza May 17th, 2012 at 8:24 PM #8

    Get over it. I hear that a lot in subtle and not so subtle ways. I am 35 now and have been dragging myself through the days for about 30 years.

    Do I WANT to get over it? Absolutely. Is that going to happen? After years of drugs and therapy, I’d have to say no. The idea that I’m enjoying the ‘attention’ that comes with depression is ludicrous. You don’t get attention when you’re depressed, you get scorn. You get people who think it’s your fault for being lazy and weak-willed. You learn to hide your depression, or alienate those around you.

    People who can ‘just get over it’ are people who aren’t stuck with depression.

  • Jeree May 26th, 2012 at 4:41 PM #9

    I had a depressed and angry mother and a sociopathic father. Neither were capable of feeling anything for anyone except scorn and distrust. And yet the only help available to me as a sufferer of depression for over thirty years is a choice between drugs or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – implying that either my brain lacks some chemical or I’m some kind of dimwit whose thinking is ‘disordered’. And they wonder why these things don’t work. Give me strength!

  • Michele September 9th, 2012 at 6:59 PM #10

    My fiance has struggled with deep depression and anxiety most of his life. When we met and started dating in college 2 years ago he did not show symptoms at the time and we fell in love quickly and deeply. This past year and a half we have struggled to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. He wants to be happy in life but is not. He’ll blame his job and want to quit often. He’ll then go further to say that he hates people, hates how the world works and is cruel, and doesn’t see the point in it all. I have loved him through the ups and the downs and we have manged to build a strong life together. I do have fears. Fears that he will quit his job and I’ll be financially responsible for us both. Fears that he will continue to self treat with alcohol as he has given up on the ability of medicine and doctors to help him. I know that marriage will not fix this and I fear that my life will forever be dictated by his condition and that one day I will resent him or have to leave him. I want to be strong and be the support that he needs but I want to be happy too. I have never posted on this issue before and I tend not to talk about this to family or friends because I don’t want them to wish us apart. If you can give any feedback or comments to help please do. Tonight was a bad night and I fear for him and our future due to the instability depression brings into our lives.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT September 9th, 2012 at 11:15 PM #11

    Oh Michele, you are in such a tough position. Very few if any relationships can happily survive such deep, chronic depression, especially medicated with alcohol. Before marrying him, I believe you have to ask yourself deep down inside if you can be happy with him the rest of your life if he doesn’t change, or gets worse. Many people commit to the person they love based on who they would be if they evolved into their best selves and then inevitably get disappointed and angry when their partner stays the same. At the same time, it’s important you tell him how he affects you and the minimum you need to be happy with him. Believe me, I feel for both of you, and realize how hard this is for him too, but being with a chronically depressed person is very very difficult. He may be able to minimize the effect on you, even if he can’t resolve the depression, but he may need to learn and be motivated to do that. It’s like taking care of a chronically ill partner. One of the secrets is for the ill person to do the maximum they can for themselves. This can make taking care of them more manageable for the caretaker.

  • Lori November 28th, 2012 at 12:45 PM #12

    Bryson,
    I really believe you have no idea what you are saying. Obviously, you do not suffer from a mental disorder. I think it would be best if you would not respond to subjects that you know nothing about. Honestly, it makes you look quite ignorant! If you really want to know, people with mental disorders do not want attention. That is the farthest from what they want. All that I and others want is to get better. To able to function in this world. Have some compassion.
    Love,
    The Depressed

  • Lori November 28th, 2012 at 1:10 PM #13

    Cynthia Lubow, MFT
    I just wanted to say that I loved your article and I’m looking forward to more. I am planning to read this to my husband tonight. I hope that this will give him insight to how I feel. It has been hard on us both. But I truly feel that understanding and acceptance is key. Thank you.

  • mkh January 29th, 2013 at 5:02 PM #14

    Thank you for your article. I’ve found it very difficult to find any validation of how I feel anywhere on the internet or with therapists. For over 40 years, I’ve dealth with nearly constant suicidal ideation, to the point that it simply makes up part of my daily routine. I’ve made attempts, obviously unsuccessful, and I’ve tried all manner of treatment to have these thoughts blocked.

    Am I depressed? Probably. Do I show it? I have a successful career, I own a home, I volunteer the equivalent of one month per year, I donate money to many causes, I exercise regularly, journal when I feel like it, and take medication.

    I have been a member of two long-term, multi-month wilderness expeditions, I participate in extreme sports, I contribute to the raising and development of three children, none of whom are biologically mine. I write music and record music, play multiple instruments, and compile multimedia presentations as a hobby. These presentations seem to make many people happy. I’ve been married (though not currently), I’ve been in long term relationships. I have a career in optical research, and I’m relatively highly compensated. I’ve travelled internationally. I’ve always managed to pick myself up and keep going.

    All that said, most days are spent with on-going multiple conversations and thoughts in my head, all negative, all pointing to suicide, like a constant, low-grade headache.

    Thank you for acknowledging that there are a few of us in society with these issues. We are not necessarily sitting at home crying. You would NEVER guess we were depressed, and if we told you, you would laugh. If we mention suicidal ideation, most of you would immediately exit our lives and never contact us again because of the shock.

    Suicide is NOT a permanent solution to a temporary problem for me, because the problem is likely quite permanent, as this article gives creedence to.

  • Daniel February 14th, 2013 at 1:19 PM #15

    I am very happy, that someone actually admits, that this sometimes cannot be cured.
    I’ve been depressed my whole childhood. It got worse when I was a teenager, and now its even worse..
    I’m 21.. I seem to forget my whole life sometimes.. Its very painful. Its like something evil is eating me bit for bit..
    I managed to take an education, but haven’t got a job..
    Cannot function in any activities at all, and I’m very afraid of my future..
    I think that the depression has caused me, to be in the middle of nowhere.. Cannot concentrate, and taking another studio is impossible for me, cause my memory and concentration is all but disappeared..
    I will never be the same person again, and in fact i never think that i knew.. Haven’t had any trouble with school in the past, its only now it had gotten bad..
    Feel like I am dying bit by bit.
    In my world there is no such thing, as learning to be a better person, cause when you experience yourself getting weaker psychological every year, you get kind of.. Whatever..
    Things are so messed up..
    I really wanna leave this world, and never come back again…

  • admin2 February 19th, 2013 at 9:34 AM #16

    Hi Daniel,
    Thank you for your message. Please know that there are resources available for you if you are experiencing an emergency or if you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, and it’s very important that you seek help immediately.

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
    • The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below:
    Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.

    Warmest regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT February 20th, 2013 at 2:07 AM #17

    Daniel,

    I’m so sorry to hear you are suffering so much! Though in a small percentage of people, depression can’t be cured, almost everyone can at least get some relief from one treatment or another. Please tell me what you’ve tried, so we can figure out what might get you some relief. You still have so much potential ahead of you!

    Cynthia

  • Karen February 21st, 2013 at 3:42 AM #18

    My son (age 28) has been suffering on and off for the past 15 years. Now we are experiencing major problems. He has 1 year of law school left and doesn’t want to go back. His wife is ready to divorce him. He is now living with me, in anticipation of finding his own apartment, but I am scared for him to live by himself. I’m at my wits end on what to do and how to take care of him. There is no money to send him to a hospital. We can barely afford for him to see a psychologist. Help!

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT February 21st, 2013 at 9:37 AM #19

    Karen,

    I would be worried too. Can you get him to a good psychiatrist? A good diagnosis and medication evaluation could make a difference. Do you know if he’s addicted to drugs, alcohol, or anything else? Is he actually seeing a psychologist? Does he have any guns or obvious ways of killing himself or others? Will he talk to you about what he’s thinking or feeling?

  • Karen February 21st, 2013 at 8:05 PM #20

    He is seeing a psychiatrist that he likes. Diagnosis is severe anxiety/depressive disorder and he is taking meds. No addictions known. This began when he was in high school. He has periods of normal behavior, then sinks back down, especially when life changes occur (i.e. graduation). He had suicidal tendencies when he was young, but never actually attempted. He has been in hospitals and under treatment for some time now. Just worried that this will continue for the rest of his life. Seeing a psychologist is cost prohibitive at this point.

  • Paige February 22nd, 2013 at 1:30 PM #21

    I am a 28 year old female. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I know I felt okay until age 9 or so, but I can’t remember how that felt. My mother, who also had major depression, was an alcoholic who would become violent with my father when she was intoxicated, and this led to an accident in which he shot her in self-defense when I was 11. He passed away while I was in college. My mother expressed love for me while she was alive, and my father was quiet and distant but I knew he loved me….but they didn’t guide me. I went to live with my godparents who I didn’t know, and they were involved in their own love affairs with prescription pills and wine, respectively. They briefly attempted to guide me, then gave up, I guess, when I had behavioral problems. I was raised by books, the internet, then a juvenile RTC for 8 months and boarding school for the remainder of high school. My only family is my sister who struggles with alcoholism, and I myself often resort to substance abuse. I have been through many programs, many institutions such as residential treatment centers, therapy, and an endless list of medications, and nothing has helped. I am now at what is rock-bottom so far, though I always manage to drill lower and lower. The limitations of mental health knowledge and medicine are just a harsh reality I have been thinking about lately. Although it should give me hope that we will probably keep making new discoveries in the area, it doesn’t help me feel any better now, and I wonder if the progress of the modern world is directly inverse to the degree and incidence of depression in humans, because of the way some aspects of our lifestyle have evolved. I know logically that self-medicating will only make things worse, but I feel so paralyzed and trapped, I am almost always desperate for some relief. I’m not using any substance or dosing to any degree that is readily apparent to the few people in my life, and when I have in the past, I have put myself somewhere where I simply did not have a choice. It feels like going to a prison and paying for a stay there. I put the money I got from my parents’ estate into a trust, and there’s enough that I don’t have to work, So, being depressed and not having the usual motivation of “not working equals not surviving”, I feel utterly paralyzed. Most people who don’t have to work are envied because they spend their lives in recreation and leisure, but I am not interested in doing anything. I want to be. I feel so much shame. I am ashamed that everyone around me thinks I am incredibly lucky to be in my financial situation, and to an extent I know I am. I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have this safety net. On the other hand, it feels impossible to force myself to do *anything*. There are periods when I have this indescribable feeling, where I can’t even bring myself to put in the usual effort to self-medicate. I feel lazy, spoiled, worthless, and sometimes, evil. I was in law school with a big scholarship up to 3 years ago, then withdrew, got engaged, and went through a terrible series of break-ups and reconciliations with another mentally unhealthy person. Since last year, I haven’t been able to do anything or maintain anything resembling a functioning life. Some people tell me to get over it, and some express sympathy. Those who purport to understand tell me to exercise, go out and volunteer, etc. I want to. I have in the past. Right now, though, they might as well be telling me to leap across an ocean. I am sitting here trapped in my head, wanting to want to move, having a second-order desire to move, I guess. But I don’t. I wonder if it’s just because I “won’t”. I don’t understand how I could both have and not have the will to function and be productive. Yesterday I called a psychiatrist I saw once last year (I had a psychiatrist when I was with my fiance, but we lived in another state; every time he flipped out, I would come back to my home state), and we talked, but I wasn’t completely honest because I feared her reaction. I have a deep, *deep* fear of rejection. It causes me to allow myself to be treated in ways that make me feel taken advantage of. I have an appointment with her next week, but I never make it there; I scheduled several appointments with her last year and missed them. Our talk last night was via phone. I don’t have anyone who knows how bad this really is. I act cheerful and bubbly when people are around; it’s not even a conscious thing, I just revert to this mode. I have a good idea of how this behavior developed. I have a pretty good idea of a lot of stuff that might traditionally be viewed as the “why” behind behavior, but knowing this stuff hasn’t been helpful so far in changing anything. In fact, knowing rationally that self-medicating is bad, this is why I am the way I am, etc, but feeling like I’m unable to change the way I feel anyway and not having the motivation to force myself to do things like exercise to increase endorphins makes me hate myself. I attempted suicide once in the past (had been addicted to cocaine and gone to the country to stop cold turkey; ended up feeling pretty miserable, and probably should have succeeded in ending my life but was lucky. I no longer go anywhere near that stuff) but I don’t feel like killing myself. I used to say I just didn’t want to wake up, but that isn’t what I feel now either. I want the amazing life I know I could have. So is this just laziness? I am finding it difficult to articulate exactly what I want to convey, and I am pretty surprised I even wrote this, but these comments helped me to know I’m not alone. I sometimes feel like going to a program like Austin Riggs, but I don’t want to once again tell my trustee I need more help & more money for help, as I have left several programs AMA, and I am afraid to go somewhere I might want to leave again. I have completed programs only because I felt like I would be too harshly judged for leaving, and the thought of being in that position again is just…I can’t even think of a word. After reading about this stuff, I am crushed by the thought that I will be this way until it simply gets so bad I kill myself. I wonder, though, if the fact I don’t want to kill myself is a sign there is some chance of recovery. I think about suicide in a detached way, like trying to imagine hanging myself, and I just don’t think that I would ever be able to, nor do I want to. So here I am, somewhere in between limbo and hell yet fully in both at the same time. I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could think of something that makes me happy…but nothing does. I feel like a “bad” person. I say to myself “well, it isn’t as bad as you make it out to be, or else you’d feel motivated to fix it”. But if never feeling good or motivated is the main problem, does that change the usual dynamic between desire, motivation, and action? I don’t know why I wrote this; I don’t know what to do and typing is the most I feel I can do right now, I guess. I am afraid someone(s) will express scorn or disgust or just dislike for the way I am handling this, i.e. avoidance and no effort, but I felt compelled to put this in writing, somewhere, anywhere.

  • Paige February 22nd, 2013 at 1:50 PM #22

    Sorry, to correct/clarify: I wonder the the advancement of medicine and technology is related to the degree and incidence/degree of depression- not whether the two are inversely proportional (d’oh) but whether the former exacerbates the latter. If I had more to do and less time to think, would I be happier? I could be doing more, but I’m already depressed, and can’t/won’t motivate myself. At least in modernized places, we live very different lives than our ancestors, and the focus is less on basic survival and more on what I can only describe as things not “absolutely, biologically necessary to life”. I don’t see this as necessarily bad, it just might be a factor in my case.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT February 22nd, 2013 at 10:08 PM #23

    Karen,

    All I can think of for you with your son is to listen without criticism to what he is thinking and feeling. If you can make yourself (or someone who can listen and give him lots of attention) available to him as much as possible, that may be all that can be done, and he will have to do the rest. Expect him to do whatever he can, even if it takes a great deal of effort, and don’t expect him to do what he can’t–based on a realistic assessment of him in the current moment.

    Cynthia

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT February 22nd, 2013 at 10:19 PM #24

    Paige,

    I do think it’s a good sign that you don’t want to die, and you do see that you have the potential to have a great life, and you want that life! I can’t make you do what you need to do to feel better, but I can encourage you to be honest with your psychiatrist, and keep looking and asking for help until you feel good and are living the life you are capable of. If you can get trauma and grief counseling, maybe a good EMDR therapist to help you resolve stuff–that could make a huge difference.

    If I were you, I would force myself to go to an AA meeting everyday no matter what. I don’t know much about you, but I think you need community to support you, I think you need tremendous support to stay sober and replace alcohol’s compelling comfort. Sometimes motivation is possible when you don’t think about what to do at all–just do it without thought. You, like most depressed people probably need to commit to a schedule–meetings can be a start. Work gives people a schedule effortlessly–yours will be harder, but you still need it, and need to commit to it.

    If you can think of anything that might give you pleasure without negative consequences, or even something that used to give you pleasure, seek it out–even drops of pleasure–pleasant smells, music you like, people you like, massage, nature, water–whatever gives you drops or more of pleasure–do as much as you can of these, on schedule, including AA meetings, and when you can, add aerobic exercise. But start with one thing–once you accomplish that, add something. Do what you can and commit to doing it on schedule.

    Check back with us and let us know how and what you’re doing in a week, ok?

    Cynthia

  • robin February 24th, 2013 at 9:06 PM #25

    “get over it” Get over the high blood pressure, the high blood sugar, the broken leg! really! those of you who say this so easily are basically just ignorant. I’m a 47 year old nurse who hasn’t been able to work for nearly four years because my depression over the last 23 years has become so unmanageable. I would love to “get over it” love to go back to work, socialize with friends and family, spend good, quality time with my daughters and grandchildren. Who the hell would want to live like this…always making excuses not to go somewhere, to visit loved ones, to say how sorry you are for feeling so damn bad, for hurting someone’s feelings. to lose friends because of it. do people apologize for having medical disorders of other types… Nope! do they get stupid remarks from people, feel ashamed of being sick???? !!!!! you have no idea how hard “we” struggle. You get over it! one day it could be you.

  • robin February 24th, 2013 at 9:13 PM #26

    guess it’s my fault too that grown men were all over me from the time i was 4. you don’t know what people have gone threw and how they have had to find a way to live instead of killing themselves. easy to say, “what i would do if i were you” well, you’re not. must be nice.

    be great if depression was another vital sign that could be shown on a meter. right?

    so out of here.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT February 25th, 2013 at 12:57 PM #27

    Well said, Robin. Thank you! I imagine most people on this thread agree with you, but I know there are plenty of people who don’t get it, and that adds to the pain and frustration of coping with depression.

  • SHARON LARSEN March 8th, 2013 at 12:02 AM #28

    IT MAKES ME FURIOUS TO READ A COMMENT LIKE BRYSON’S… YEAH, A PERSON WITH MAJOR DEPRESSION WHO HAS MERELY EXISTED FOR YEARS RATHER THAN HAVING AN ACTUAL “LIFE”.. REALLY DOESN’T WANT TO GET WELL… HE OR SHE HAS TRIED EVERY MEDICINE AND TREATMENT THERAPY KNOWN TO MAN- IT’S COST THEM A FORTUNE- AND STILL THEY HAVE NO JOY, NO HOPE, NOTHING…… EXCEPT CONSTANT SADNESS, TEARS, LONELINESS, FEAR, FEELINGS OF GUILT, HOPELESSNESS, WORTHLESSNESS,NO SELF-CONFIDENCE AT ALL, INABILITY TO EVEN HELP THEMSELVES ANYMORE DUE TO YEARS OF HAVING NOTHING WORK AND NOT BEING ABLE TO FIND THE DOCTOR WHO ACTUALLY MIGHT BE HAVING SUCCESS WITH THIS TYPE OF DEPRESSION.
    YEAH, BRY, WE ALL WANT THE ABOVE, DON’T WE?
    ON… YOU ALSO MENTIONED ALL THE ATTENTION AND WONDERFUL THINGS WE GET FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS. SOME OF US DONT HAVE FAMILIES ANYMORE… AND NEWS FLASH: MOST FRIENDS BECOME FED UP AFTER PUTTING UP WITH JUST A LITTLE BIT OF BEING WITH THOSE OF US WITH THIS CRIPPLING ILLNESS! WE AREN’T ALWAYS THE BEST COMPANY WHEN EVERY PART OF OUR BEING WANTS TO DIE TO GET AWAY FROM THIS SADNESS AND DESPAIR. OH, ONE OTHER THING: FAMILY MEMBERS WHO DON’T LOVE US UNCONDITIONALLY AND DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW DEPRESSION CAN MAKE US FEEL DO NOT GIVE US ATTENTION AND CARE! NOT AT ALL! INSTEAD, I HEARD FROM MY COUSIN, MY CLOSEST RELATIVE AFTER THE DEATHS OF MY BELOVED PARENTS: “I’M SO SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THAT DARN DEPRESSION!”

    DO I SOUND ANGRY? ANGER AND IMPATIENCE ARE ALSO GIFTS FROM DEPRESSION. BEFORE I BECAME SO DEPRESSED, I LIKED EVERYONE AND WOULD NEVER HAVE WRITTEN AN EMAIL LIKE THIS. HOWEVER, YEARS OF UNHAPPINESS AND NO HOPE CAN CHANGE A PERSON.

  • Jon Walker March 11th, 2013 at 5:34 PM #29

    bravo Sharon.
    I am on my “smart” phone so I missed the post you so passionately responded to. none the less I can tell you speak from real hard won experience.

    This hateful disease has been visiting my life since my 20′s so 20 plus years of pursuing different western traditional medical intervention, with no lasting results to date. Frustrating and gut wrenching.

    My heart, which once was full of life pours out to you and fellow sufferers.

    I’d love to connect with you for any support and insight we might share.
    Wish you an opportunity to live free of depression!
    Cheers
    Jon

  • Jon Walker March 11th, 2013 at 5:44 PM #30

    so well said, thank you for clearly stating my personal outrage when I see evidence of the all too common ignorance associated with this disease.

    And thank you for your service as a nurse, that is a tremendous gift. I hope you are able to experience peace.
    My very best to you,
    Jon

  • Jon Walker March 11th, 2013 at 6:19 PM #31

    Wow Paige,
    Probably not what you want here, but I was struck with your articulate voice. You are lacking motivation as many of us with major depression do, but I’ll just purt it out there, KEEP WRITING, and while you are at it contact me for mutual support and motivation.

    Wishing you peace and a life without this debilitating effects of this cruel disease.

    My best
    Jon

  • Leah March 14th, 2013 at 4:50 PM #32

    There is no stereotype associated with mentall illness, and particularly depression, that I can’t stand more than the ole “attention seeking” assumption. As if a life lived in the abscence of purpose and hope is something you could just get over. I think that is what seems to get to me the most- the lack of purpose. It is the most debilitating aspect of my depression- the fact that what makes up our society is so ridiculous, how we, as human beings, are torn apart by such trivial things, and how, after it is all said and done, you just die. And that is really the bottom line. A life having so much potential of great peace and beauty, destroyed by the walls of our society, by the norms of society, the standardism of everyday life- yet in the end, we’re all just going to die anyways. And it sounds so ridiculous and petty to some- they think it is an excuse for my laziness. As a junior in high school, I spend most of my time sleeping as possible- just to not feel the environment I’m in for a couple of minutes, and I no longer feel like I should waste my time communicating with others. Teachers always say stuff like “Poor Leah” or “oh, you’re just so special” in this really sarcastic and just plain ignorant tone- I don’t know how to respond to them other than the teenage eye roll. That’s another thing. They always think depression in any teenager is just a result of teenage angst. They love to belittle the issues of someone, such as myself, suffering from a mental illness (which, after suffering from this since I was 6 or 7, is more of a lifestyle condition)- and it makes all the other students feel so much better and stronger than me- teachers have told some of them to not be around me, those kids just love to mock me- or any person who suffers from any mental illness- saying “UGGGHHH I’m so depressed”. I’m not asking them to care or be concerned about me, but it brings me this terrible, apalling sadness to know that this is how they are- that they will go on to be insensitive and indifferent towards everyone who differs from them for the rest of their lives. I wish I could say something to them, but I just don’t know what.
    And the only thing that keeps me going is the naive thought that things will one day better.

    “All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water, and that is the tragedy of living.”
    -Unknown

  • noname March 16th, 2013 at 4:51 PM #33

    Has anyone found that their depression has changed as they’ve got older?

    I found in my younger days I had crying episodes and that was a big part of the depression, but now I no longer cry. I often thought about suicide but back then that’s all it was, just thoughts and knowing that there wouldn’t be any follow through – and besides, I couldn’t put my family through that anyway. I used to be a caring person and full of empathy – That’s how I used to be, but that’s changed.

    Now I feel like I’m a lot colder as the years have passed, I no longer really care about people like I used to, and actually feel that with every passing day suicide is becoming more of a reality.

    - no, I’m not attention seeking, or looking for sympathy, I’m genuinely interested if anyone else has exerienced changes in their depression? I’m not sure if subconsiously I’ve tried to become detached from my friends and family which would make it easier to end my life if that makes sense? I know I’ve not purposely tried to change my feelings/depression, I’m just trying to make sense of what’s happening and why.

    So if anyone has anything to add then fire away.

    Cheers

  • Tina April 6th, 2013 at 9:17 AM #34

    Well said Sharon, Robin,Paige and Jon. It was good to read your posts.
    I feel so deeply for all of you. I too would love to work again, use my talents, enjoy life even some of the time, but effective treatment seems elusive. (Bryson obviously is just another ignorant , judgemental member of society who rather than educate himself would prefer to criticize. Ignore him.!)
    The only thing that brings me any relief is forcing myself to play an hour’s hard racketball. For the next few hours I feel normal. No other form of exercise seems to work-it has to be nearly exhausting.I’ve read all the hype on how exercise is as effective as Zoloft-well, maybe for some it is. I’ve had so many prolonged deep episodes it takes a lot more. Maybe something similar could bring relief to others who have given up believing exercise can be that helpful.
    I wish I had an answer. I have lost track of the hours I have spent researching treatment, talking to therapists, taking meds, changing diets, taking supplements,etc. The only decent relief I had was from ECT, so please don’t be afraid of it if you haven’t tried it. Yes, I did lose some longterm memory, but life’s a compromise-right? I would do it again if there was anyone close who still did it-I’m that desperate again.
    I personally think Marujana shoud be legalized for severe depression-to just get a break for an hour or so. I’ve had several really major surgeries and they were a breeze compared with living with the hell of depression. the nurses couldn’t do enough to make sure i wasn’t in pain-which i appreciated-don’t get me wrong!

  • Tina April 6th, 2013 at 9:30 AM #35

    To continue, we know this is real, and it takes more courage and strength to deal with every day than anything else I can imagine. I feel connected to all of you who are also suffering, and in addition dealing with the hurt that comes from everyone else’s ignorance and lack of understanding.
    I’m sure you all know this, but if it could help 1 person it’s worth posting-a low thyroid(even IF your values are within normal range), can compound the issue. Likewise low vit D levels and adrenal fatigue .Insist on a check.
    Please reply-so glad I found this website. I am sick and tired of reading of ‘cures’ -the majority posted by those who have never had a days depression in their lives, and yet think they have all the answers for all us folk who ‘like’ being depressed, ‘don’t want to help ourselves’, or are somehow supposedly deriving benefit from feeling so awful, losing our jobs, friends and lives!

  • Tina April 8th, 2013 at 1:16 PM #36

    I am/was actually also a licensed social worker in the mental health field. I mostly worked with children /adolescents doing play and art therapy.
    I have battled depression for 30 years, and have lost 3 careers because of it.It began immediately after the birth of my eldest daughter, happened again after my second and since then has become more and more prevalent , with longer episodes responding very poorly to meds. I’m still married-somehow, but it has taken it’s toll, that’s for sure. It produces incredible guilt for me for the effect my illness has had on my husband and daughters. I know I can be hard to live with when depressed, and in retrospect I wish my children had gone to counseling as I way underestimated the effect it was having on them growing up. My husband and I did go to counseling, but the focus was not my depression, but our relationship, which of course was primarily suffering because of me.
    If folk cannot afford counseling, i would suggest NAMI( website NAMI.org). They have free support groups in most towns nationwide. There are also free courses for consumers, run by those who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. They also have free support and classes for family members, helping them to understand what their loved ones are going through.It is a wonderful advocacy organization for those living with mental illness. Please check it out. Their website contains a wealth of information for all affected by mental illness.

  • wesley April 9th, 2013 at 1:29 AM #37

    I have asperger syndome i need to talk to someone so badly

  • admin2 April 9th, 2013 at 1:24 PM #38

    Hi Wesley,
    Thank you for your comment. We want to make sure that you have resources to find a therapist or talk to someone as soon as possible.
    Please visit this link to find a therapist: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html You can even select “developmental disorders” in the drop-down menu for Concerns, and search specifically for therapists who are familiar with and work with Asperger’s.
    If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
    • The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Debra April 18th, 2013 at 12:29 PM #39

    Thank you for the initial article that started this thread.

    I’m 58, and have been depressed since about age 5. I’ve been through so many drugs, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, therapists, and support groups,and nothing helps much.

    Maybe the hardest part for me is that it sucks the life out of me, so I can’t find the strength or energy to do even the most mundane of tasks.

    The only thing that has kept me on this planet for so long is my husband, whom I love with all my heart and soul, and vice-versa. As long as he is here, I am here. If he dies before me, there is no further reason for me to hang around, so I will be only minutes behind him. I have prepared things so that I won’t have to try to think about what needs doing in the distress of the moment. I have drafted a note telling what to do our remains and our dogs, if any are still living at that time, and I will attach their medical records. There will be no note of “explanation” – there is no way to explain.

    There is one note I’ve considered leaving: “That’s it. I’m done. This is me, opting out”.

  • Debra April 18th, 2013 at 12:56 PM #40

    One more thing:

    Paige, so much of what you wrote is so much like me. I, too, constantly feel worthless and ashamed, and ask myself if I’m just lazy. I blame myself for almost everything negative that happens to my husband and I. And you express what it’s like to be here, so well.

    I do think, as you wondered, that if you don’t want to kill yourself, there is some chance of recovery, even if it’s a drug that actually works. There are always new ones in the pipeline.

  • michael April 23rd, 2013 at 6:01 PM #41

    Why is it people say seek help immediately ?? I am 41 and my wife left three yrs ago and havent had one date in that time frame. I was emotionally abuse as well as sexually neglected for 19 yrs that i was her lilly pad.. i was a project manager for a company for 17 yrs. New home and many toys couldnt buy her love.. i allowed myself to be used and abused is what i was told by my therapist which i wont deny now but that just makes things worse.. live in a small town of 100,000 and since moving here 21 yrs ago i know not one person. Havent any friends no family company closed doors and yet seek help is what i am supposed to do.. i have put a gun to my head and pulled trigger and yet i am still here, ducked taped hose to muffler to window of car and some guy broke window and was revived by paramedics,, well maybe third time is a charm.. there are some people that just have no reason to live with this much pain, emptyness, just let us die already..

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT April 24th, 2013 at 7:47 PM #42

    Hi Michael,

    People are probably saying seek help immediately, because you sound like you are intending to kill yourself, and if you do that, you have no more chance of getting the pleasure and joys life offers. I know you’re not finding that in life right now, but you undoubtably did once, and lots of opportunities can come your way for sex, love, good food, good smells, friendship, fun, adventure, beautiful things, accomplishments, successes, etc etc. If you kill yourself, you will miss all of that opportunity. I don’t want you to suffer, and that is why I also want you to seek help immediately. Please call your therapist and wait for a response, call 911, go to an emergency room, or call a suicide hotline. Give yourself another chance to get what life offers for yourself. Call: 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY) and tell them exactly what is going on. Please.

    Cynthia

  • michael April 25th, 2013 at 10:47 PM #43

    My oldest daughter (who will be 20 in few months) and you have same name… We used to be close and did everything together.. she could walk on the jobsite as an early teen and point out to my crew there was a problem… Good ol days… I saw her the other day and she just kept on walking… Three years of silence is enough for anybody to go insane.. i do not know anybody at all… My job is at night and i work alone… My day job tourists not locals shop there, so its not like ill find a friend there. Only employee there also… Everyone needs to be able to enjoy thier own company or they wont be able to enjoy others.. with that being said talking to walls and trees is old already.. i see my therapist in the morning and he knows everything about me, heck he is the only person i communicate with and have weekly for a year… Have delt with some things over that time but most just linger….. I am in quicksand the more i fight the tougher it gets. I think maybe youll understand better if i inform you of the straw that broke me… My ex is very beautiful, 5 – 6 , 125 lbs and i not once saw her naked or hold hands in the 19 yrs we lived together. One day 18 mos ago she handed me a mini SD card and said it was mine. Placed it in my laptop and there she was,,,,,,,, i wont go into detail but the man and her are naked and its daytime….. I turned to her and asked why she gave this video to me and her response was ” i told you i would f..k you up, ha ha ha ha ha ” …. That straw on my laptop are visions in my head that play repeatedly.. so maybe now you can realize that there are some of us that cant enjoy life anymore… I have already made my decision and have just few more things to put in order for my daughters.. someday they will understand… Thank you for your response…

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT April 27th, 2013 at 12:04 AM #44

    Michael,

    I think you have mixed feelings about killing yourself, because you’re writing to us. I’m glad you’re reaching out, and want to stay connected. Please tell us what you need from us. We’re here.

    Cynthia

  • Rebecca April 29th, 2013 at 11:54 AM #45

    I am 32 years old. I live in a small town where there is much stigma in regard to mental illness. been on antidepressants since i was 16 and BEGGED for help. I was always told to ‘get over it’. I am willing to try ECT. Desperate. I can’t function. I can’t believe i made it this far today to even type, open the computer. I have no health insurance right now, but has ECT helped others when nothing else has helped? I have tried just about every antidepressant out there. I have 2 young daughters i want to enjoy life with. I hate life right now and myself. wondering if ECT could help, even if for a bit….

  • Jenna June 1st, 2013 at 12:10 AM #46

    I am deep into my third major episode of major clinical depression. It feels the darkness will not lift. I am a strong follower of Jesus, and my deepest longing is to be with him in heave…he promises that nothing, including life or death or the unseen prriccipalitird fightin against me…NOTHING CAN SEPARATE…INCLUDIND ME can separate me from his love …I am sealed by the Holy Spirit…god does not unadopt me . Whom have I have in Heaven? And Earth has nothing I desire besides you,my heart and my flesh,but remains my strength forever,,,sealed eternally be the redeeming work of Jesus…I am a con heir with JEsus…all reseasons I will abdicate in a heartbeat, as soon as my God fulfill the deepest yearning of my heat peace,

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT June 1st, 2013 at 1:25 PM #47

    Jenna, if you are in your third major depressive episode, does that mean you felt very differently between episodes? Usually depression colors people’s outlook so severely that they can’t see that most of the time they feel so much better.

  • Al June 4th, 2013 at 6:22 PM #48

    I am 25 years old I’m pretty sure I have been somewhat depressed all of my life. I remember when I was a child I would stay in my room a lot and be sad and I wasn’t really sure why, just sort of feeling incomplete. My father struggles with depression, and perhaps my family life wasn’t perfectly healthy growing up but we love each other. I am very introverted but I’ve always had plenty of friends, now have a degree and steady job. The incomplete feeling has never left me, even in my happiest times with my first love I remember being depressed. I’ve had my battles with drugs and alcohol and generally reckless behavior, but I have grown out of it. I tend to keep my depression to myself because I don’t want medication and don’t much like to talk about it with most people – but I struggle every day and try to smile and laugh and be a good person. I have sabotaged the few romantic relationships I’ve had in my life and it is very difficult to be this lonely, but I try to be happy about the small victories like a smile from a pretty woman that I am too anxious to talk to. The most satisfaction I ever get is through writing songs, and it is only temporary because once the song is a bit old I usually don’t care for it much anymore. Perhaps my depression will never be cured, but its part of who I am and it is all I know.

  • Cheryl June 6th, 2013 at 9:27 AM #49

    I am 50 years old and have been depressed since I was 12 or 13. I wasn’t diagnosed until 16 years ago as being bipolar manic depressive. I suffer from the depression the most. I have been on every medication known to mankind with nothing helping. My husband is threating to leave me because I don’t have the energy to clean the house, cook, wash clothes or the gumption to do anything. I can’t explain to him what depression makes me feel like, it’s not like I want to wake up feeling like this everyday of my life. I would like to know what “normal feels like. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with my dad being a alcoholic and my mother trying to “fix” him and trying to keep her family together. My father beat my mother and she put up with t till I was 21 and out of the house. My first husband died from a cerebal hemorrhage at the age of 28 and I was left with a 6 year old and a 19 month old to raise by myself. I still grieve for him. It has been 23 years in October. I married a good man who has been great to my children and they love him like their own father, but his kids hate me. They were older and I was the disciplinarian in the family. I was a hard person to get along with until I was diagnosed. My husband has put up with me for 21 years and 16 of them have been with depression. We have problems with our kids. Out of 7 children only 1 is established and doesn’t give us any problems the rest of them are on drugs or drink. We are raising one of our grandchildren. Recently some of my medication came up missing and 2 of my checks were forged. My son did this to me and has yet to tell me that he is sorry. He lives with us and has custody of his child every other week. He doesn’t pay rent, he doesn’t pay a light bill, he doesn’t pick up after his child, he doesn’t mow the grass. Basically he lives off of us. And when any of the other children need anything they come to us like we have a money tree. My husband just got a full time job after being laid off for over a year. We live off my disability check, such as it is, his little bit of retirement and now a paycheck. I know we have been too good to the kids and they should be cut off, but how do you say no to your children when they have children that will suffer if you say no. I just want help with my depression and find some medication that works so that I can function and deal with life. Any suggestions?

  • Cynthia Lubow June 6th, 2013 at 1:27 PM #50

    Cheryl,

    The problems you face would be very difficult for anyone, but to have to face them when you can barely move must feel impossible. It sounds like you need a combination of good therapy and medication. What have you tried?

  • Minty June 26th, 2013 at 1:33 AM #51

    Is it weird if I started to have suicide thoughts at the age of 7..? Due to my family’s financial issues, I feel that my family experience poverty after I was born. My dad sold the house and went to stay with his friend’s family for over 1 year. My mum, older brother and I had no where to live. My older sister took us and we stay with her family when I was 9.

    When I was 10, my dad came back and we applied for a 2-room flat – 1 living room, 1 bedroom, 1 kitchen and 1 bathroom. My dad and mum filed for separation. My mum wouldn’t agree to divorce because I was under 21 years old and she gave my custody to my dad. But my dad isn’t working at all, he’s lazy and rewrites the bible.

    I started slitting my wrist when I was 14. My friends became concerned and encouraged me to stop doing it. However, 5 years ago I fell in love. I think I was normal at that time but I became agitated easily. It was probably my mood swings. We broke up eventually because I don’t want him to be unhappy anymore.

    This time round, in another relationship for over 2 years+, every time I quarrel with my boyfriend, I would bang my head on the wall, slap myself hard and slit my wrist. I have no appetite at all.

    On one occasion when I went to the doctor to allow me to rest at home instead of going school, the doctor noticed the scars on my wrist and referred me to a psychologist. I was diagnosed of moderate depression. Each visit cost about $30 SGD and I don’t have the money for it. So I stopped going for the sessions.

    What’s worst is that my boyfriend doesn’t understand my condition. He says that depression can be cured only if I want to and that he won’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves. I feel that I’m empty inside. He doesn’t do things to show that he love me anymore. He doesn’t initiate conversations and doesn’t tell me that he love me anymore.

    I feel that he doesn’t understand. I don’t know if I want to become better but at least, I want him to show affections to me. Am I asking for too much?

    I slit my wrist again, I don’t know what else I could do than dying. I feel worthless to anyone.

    My older brother told me that it would be better for the family if I had a shotgun marriage with my boyfriend, he says that if I wasn’t born to this family, this family wouldn’t experience poverty.

    My mum called me a jinx since I have memory of things.. I don’t know what I did to make them say all these. It’s falling into black hole.

    I came here to understand what is depression. Am I really suffering from depression? What can I do so that my boyfriend can understand and help me?

    I’m 20 years old this year, my boyfriend’s 21 years old. Maybe I need some help..

  • admin2 June 26th, 2013 at 10:44 AM #52

    Hi Minty, thanks so much for posting. We read your comment and are concerned, so we want to make sure you have access to resources that may help. You can look for a therapist with our advanced search (http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html), or call our toll-free Find-A-Therapist line at 888-563-2112 ext. 1 and our Support Team will try to connect you with a therapist in your area.
    If you feel you are in crisis, please call 911 (if you are in the United States) or go to your nearest hospital emergency room immediately. You can find other crisis information and help here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
    Thank you again for posting! We wish you the best.
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Carolyn July 3rd, 2013 at 9:54 PM #53

    If you are still here with us Michael, please don’t go.. I love you! I know you don’t know me, but I do love you.

    If you have love for one other person on this earth, whether they love you back or not, you have a purpose in this life. Having love in your heart makes you a man of worth. Give that love away to anyone and everyone as often as you can, and I promise you that someone will love you in return. In fact, I love you right now.

  • Jon July 20th, 2013 at 3:14 PM #54

    Rebecca I hope you will be careful when deciding on ECT. Both my sister and I have had it after many years of trying to heal our depression. She believes it MAY have been helpful in breaking a severe episode, she had 6 treatments and with multiple medications has been back to her old self again for several years, has two kids and a good career. I’m happy she responded to it and her medication too.
    My experience was different, after two plus years of no improvement & nearly constant major depression with periodic depression over many years, I had 8 treatments. I was told by others I had bad reactions to the first couple treatments i.e. trouble coming out of sedation and a lot of anxiety. After several treatments I started having side effects, muscle spasms, balance and vision problems. I stopped treatment with no lasting improvement; the ECT doc said he didn’t consider it failed because I didn’t do enough treatments. I did all I could take. I tell you my story because I am concerned about the use of this and other invasive unscientific treatments. But I also respect the decisions that major depression forces us to make. I’m of the mind that treatments work for people for different reasons, such as placebo, our views and willingness to accept or trust procedures and those administering them. I also think some treatments truly work as prescribed, but it is all trial and error, as you already know, this can wear a person out and cause further stress. There are so many unknown variables when treating this illness. I wish you well with what you choose to do.
    Peace to you!

  • pvs July 30th, 2013 at 4:09 PM #55

    I am not well

    My mind is my enemy

    This can’t be real

    Slipping further everyday

    Pain and fear overwhelming

    Nobody understands

    Lots of kindness…why can’t that be enough

    I am a complete coward

    Only thing keeping me alive

    My days must be numbered

    Just too unbearable

    Something is terribly wrong

    All I want is LOVE

    Not the fleeting kind

    I am starved for love

    Any hint of it makes me melt

    Love has been missing for too long

    My survival depends on it

    Not saying I am worthy

    Just know I am dying without it

    Been miserable most of my life

    Joy came from giving to others

    Now that is gone

  • admin2 July 31st, 2013 at 6:03 PM #56

    Hi pvs,
    Thank you for your comment and your words, which so many people can relate to. You are not alone, and we want to make sure you are aware of resources that can help.
    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911 in the United States);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can give further resources in your area.

    Warmest regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Roland August 4th, 2013 at 12:26 AM #57

    1st therapy: age 17 (post years of self-medication).
    Drug rehab and religious ‘homosexual reprogramming’ – self-flagellating rhetoric of being ‘damaged’ and ‘sinful’. Despite this trauma, graduated high school top 5 with honors and a full scholarship.

    2nd therapy: age 23 (condition worsened and self-medication returned resulting in drop outs; graduated with double major with honors).
    Traveled aimlessly in the US & Europe doing ‘odd jobs’ then flew to Nepal on a whim. Plan was to hike on my own or die. Obviously I survived a 3 month hike.
    LESSON LEARNED – you can’t get away from the inside but it helps to get away on the outside.

    3rd – 10h therapies: age 40 (condition improved from age 26-29 but returned).
    Have been on numerous combinations of pharmaceutical treatments with limited improvement. Successfully pursued a career in science that has allowed me to work and travel internationally.
    LESSON LEARNED – you can’t get away from the inside but it helps to get away on the outside [UNLESS you have a DEBILITATING DEPRESSIVE EPISODE].

  • Jessie August 30th, 2013 at 9:39 PM #58

    I’ve been uncharacteristically cold as lately suicidal thoughts are becoming daily occurrences. I’ve left/shut out 3 close friends, two that I’ve known for 6 years, and am completely remorseless about it. Theres no point or future to be gained in mending these relationships

  • admin2 August 31st, 2013 at 9:48 AM #59

    Hi Jessie,
    Thank you for commenting. In addition to resources above, you can visit this page if you ever feel you are in a crisis situation or if you are having suicidal thoughts. You can find many supportive people through the resources on this page: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
    You can also always look on GoodTherapy.org to find a therapist near you here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
    Thank you again for your comment, and we wish you the very best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • bt September 18th, 2013 at 2:30 AM #60

    Best way I can describe what my chronic depression feels like is its like being on a drug. Except the effect sucks, like an unpleasant pressure on my mind/brain. Genuinely don’t feel sober. Its always been like that for me except in regards to school. When I think about or have to do school work it takes a more stereotyped form.

  • Sally September 22nd, 2013 at 4:25 PM #61

    What a find to stumble onto this web-site. I googled “clinical depression I am stuck”….and here I am. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression in 1999, but I know I had been dealing with it for at least 5 years before then, and actually I have always been someone whose emotional band was broad. High ‘highs” ‘and low “lows”. Throughout my life, as long as I could maintain the energy to keep engaged in activities that would give me the adrenaline kicks I needed, I could go and go and go. A professor once described me as someone who would never have moss growing on my back. Since I would strive hard to put myself in positions of responsibility, that required me to accept rigid standards, I thankfully never resorted to alcohol to self medicate. I was always “on view” by people whose admiration meant a lot to me, as a mentor, teacher, parent, colleagues etc. Even though it would appear as though there was no end to my energy, I have ALWAYS found getting up in the morning as the MOST difficult part of my day. My coping mechanism was to sleep. Even though for years I would often go for weeks averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night….and then every once in a while I’d find an opportunity to sleep for 12-13 hours in a night. That was how I did life. Accomplished a lot, put degrees and trophies on my wall in my home office. About 20 years ago though,push, push, push, became the daily mantra I had three sons, over a period 12 years. As I moved into my 40′s with a career, a baby, a grade school child and a middle school child I began to feel totally exhausted but…I did all the mental work of affirmations and walked about 15 miles a week to do what all the “books” said to do to fight off depression. Eventually though, I LOST the battle. By 1999 I was loosing a grip on everything…my business was slowly but gradually declining and I would lock myself behind closed doors from the time I got the youngest son on the school bus until I had to “be on” when they would come in the door at the end of their day. As long as I could “perform” from 4pm to 7PM and get everyone around the table for dinner before it was homework time and Dad would head for the TV I could hide it from everyone. I was like a closet alcoholic, successfully hiding my depression. Then, my body began to show signs of the illness, bad mammogram, mad pap smear, hair and nail loss, and sleeping away over half of my days. That in itself is depressing, because you NEVER get anything done. I truly cannot recall many days….I feel I lost so much. I finally got on medication and began the journey to reclaim my life. I have only been off medication for about 4 years and I am right on the edge all the time again. All my kids are now grown and married, husband has been retired for 12 years and he “thinks” he understands, and I think he understands as much as anyone can (who hasn’t been “here”). We have been married for 40 years, miraculously. How we have done it? Only by the desire NOT to divorce. I have had a void in my life for years that I have not been able to fill. My father died 7 years ago the night before my oldest son and his wife left for Europe and began teaching overseas. The two men in my life whom I felt did love me and admired me for who I was, were both no longer within reach. Today is the 7 year anniversary of that pivotal week-end. One could make it trite by saying I’ve had “empty next syndrome” since that son (my oldest) left for college in 1997. I feel lonely nearly all the time. I don’t know which is worse, being alone, or being with someone and feeling totally alone. I wish I could find a way to FEEL loved. I find myself thinking often that even if I died right now, everyone would go on just fine. Sure they would miss me, but they would be fine. Do I want to die? No, it would make my family sad, and all I have ever wanted was to make them happy and create for them a home life that would prepare them to lead a happy and fulfilling life for themselves. I hope they are more capable at doing that than I have been. The thought that they may also fall victim to clinical depression is a heavy thought for me to bear. Genetics does seem to play into this. I don’t really want to take med’s again, but I just don’t know what to do.

  • Jamie F September 25th, 2013 at 7:38 PM #62

    I’m surprised to see there are more people like me. Exactly how I feel. What hurts me the most is no being able to fulfill a career and work like I use to. Been on disability for 2 years now and it makes me feel so useless:(((

  • Eli September 26th, 2013 at 4:43 PM #63

    Jamie,
    So am I, especially those who have everything else to maintain a good life. One would think they won’t be affected by this disorder. In my case, it is the same as yours but also have loss my hearing. I use to be a very happy person (nice personality, party person, open minded, Bowler, loved to laugh and meet new people). Now I wish I won’t wake up in the morning and don’t know if I should mention this to my daughter or sisters.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT September 30th, 2013 at 11:08 AM #64

    Sally, you have been so brave to struggle through all of that! Have you tried any kinds of treatment?

    Eli, is there any way for you to get some professional help? If you are getting help, the people who love you would probably want to know what you’re going through.

  • Tami W October 22nd, 2013 at 2:54 PM #65

    I can totally relate to what a lot of you are saying. I am 49 years old and have come to realize that I have been suffering from depression since I was 12 years old. Sure I have periods where I feel happy, but something happens or something is said and I’m right back to feeling sad and hopeless. This latest episode has been going on for over a year. I have seen a couple of therapists but I really just didn’t connect with them. My husband’s insurance doesn’t cover therapy adequately and we just couldn’t afford it anymore,so I stopped going. I hide my depression very well because I couldn’t stand the thought of people thinking less of me. Some days it’s so hard to just get out of bed, go to work, and get things done. There are days when I wish the morning wouldn’t come,but I put on my happy face and plow through the days as best as I can. I wish I could find someone to talk to about this who wouldn’t charge an arm and a leg and wouldn’t want to force meds on me. I wish it was as easy as just “snapping out of it”.

  • AntD November 10th, 2013 at 1:16 PM #66

    A major depressive episode is kind of like dying, again and again. With each one you lose something of yourself – whether it be an interest you had, a person you cared about, a song you liked to listen to etc etc. I think there comes a time when one is so destroyed that it feels like there is nothing left within you to carry on. “What more can depression take from me?” you ask yourself each time. Psychologists are nowhere near a cure. Therapy only works for so long and to a certain extent. How can one constantly survive and fight a war with their-selves without respite? With some people even sleep isn’t an escape.

    It’s a shame that things are this way, that there is no miracle cure. All someone who suffers from depression can do is live for the small moments where you’re happy, where you feel some kind of normality. I have found that writing helps. It allows you to document your thoughts and help you analyse them better. Even the process of just admitting how you feel to something, even if you know it won’t ever be read by anyone but you, is relief in itself. All we can do is try our best, as a community, to be thoughtful and support each other. There is no one cure and there is no one answer – the moment both the Psychological and medical community admit to this the better it will be for those who are trying different meds and therapies and thinking that it’s them that’s the problem.

    TL;DR – Make a thought diary and realise that the Psychological/Medical community is seriously failing us and that if ‘cures’ fail you, it is their fault not yours.

  • Jamie Fuentes November 19th, 2013 at 6:57 PM #67

    I so much agree! People think you can snap out of it. You can if you have a lot of support but when people around you think u can just snap out it really makes you feel worse.

  • justme November 26th, 2013 at 11:44 PM #68

    Im a man in my early 30′s and have suffered from severe depression since I was a kid. Just when I thought I had got through it it has just bit me again and right now it feels worse than ever. I want this out of my life its so frustrating and nothing seems to help. To all you know it alls who say snap out of it I know what I would like to snap. I just want to be normal. Love justme

  • JOHANE THE THIRD December 3rd, 2013 at 3:08 AM #69

    what an idiots, the website is offering a therapist.YOu mother f***** the theripest can not do anything neither the medication can.And most of the people who are commenting have already tried going to therapist and take medication.Therapist know that they can’t really help because they have seen people getting worse with being able to help them, all they want is to get income from the degree they got so they tell you we will help huh

  • Parisa December 12th, 2013 at 12:41 PM #70

    i also suffer from depression since i was 9. almost 10 years has passed but i cannot do anything about it. there must be s th wrong with our genes.

  • Asger the soon to be December 21st, 2013 at 1:40 PM #71

    Im 25 been depressed all my life. i dont want another Christmas and new year alone.

    Im happy this nightmare is soon over. all my life from 7 grade until now have been almost nothing but shame and pain.

    I hate mankind.
    there is no god, no heros. but hell is real enough and so are bullies.

    for those of u looking for away to be happy, then i propose to plan your own suicide, it gives a clam feeling to get and exit date in your head.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT December 21st, 2013 at 11:06 PM #72

    Asger,

    I’m so sorry to hear you’ve given up! If you are living in the Hell of shame and pain caused by bullies, that makes me really angry at the injustice of that, because if you kill yourself, then the bullies win, and they don’t deserve your life. I understand not wanting to live in pain anymore, but there are ways to do that without dying. I hope you get angry and fight back instead of giving up. The bullies aren’t right about you–you have gifts for the world. The world needs you.

    Cynthia

  • Carl White December 24th, 2013 at 1:25 PM #73


    I randomly stumbled in to this site, I have not read every single post but does anyone have an update of what happened to Michael from posts #41 and #43?
    His posts really got to me.

  • Jon W. December 27th, 2013 at 12:12 PM #74

    hi Jamie~
    That is part of the vicious cycle of this elusive bizarre disease. Becoming too sick to continue being productive then getting sicker as a result of further loss of self. I want to to continue working and biuld my life up again but feel less able to do so as this disease drags on. This is truly a hateful catch 22 scenario. I wish you all the best in recovering your self respect, career, etc etc.
    Jon

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT December 29th, 2013 at 1:11 AM #75

    Carl,

    I would love to know what happened to everyone, especially those on the edge, like Michael, and Asger (71). If anyone cares to follow up–there are lots of us out here, and we’d like to hear from you!

    Cynthia

  • Jason B January 1st, 2014 at 9:39 PM #76

    My wife has been to a therapist for help with ADHD and given Vyvanse. I believe that while she may have ADHD, she truly has depression. All she wants to do is move away… With or without me and our children. She has many regrets professionally and personally. I have entertained leaving my business and moving our family but it just doesn’t feel right because I believe depression is driving all of her decisions. She feels trapped and is resentful towards me because I have a business that I cannot easily leave behind. She is aggressive and hostile at times and our kids are starting to react to her behavior. I try to keep everybody calm and level but its not getting any easier. I kind of like the idea of a fresh start in a warm climate but it seems more of a fantasy and irresponsible in some ways. Our kids are very happy where we are, we have a great home, financial stability and a good network of friends. I know she needs help but I’m just not sure how to help her considering she does not want to help herself. She says she hates living here and wants to move to the west coast. Anywhere but here. Thanks for your help.

  • Sarah January 2nd, 2014 at 8:07 AM #77

    Hi,
    I have been with my partner for 15 wonderful years, however the last 2 or 3 he has suffered from serious depression. He is on medication and sees a psychologist very week. Last year at this time he left for a week saying he could not cope. I was shattered, but he came back and told me a relationship had seemed too much and he needed time to get well. This year has been very hard, I have struggled to trust that he does love me. He told me his therapy was going well. We even made an offer on a house. Then last Thursday, he left again. He had become isolated in himself but I did not see it coming. He just drove home from work and told me that he loves me but he cant do this anymore. I have to move on and believe he no longer wants this relationship,but I never ever thought this would happen to us. I thought we were a team. Now I wonder if he has been trying to leave all along but has not had the courage to tell me. I would really like to try to understand this from the perspective of somebody who suffers from depression? Could this be the depression talking? Why does he not let me support and love him? I am really worried about him, but so hurt by this I am not sure I could ever trust him again even if he did come back. He has told me he is sure of his decision. What shall I do? I love him. I also send love and strength to all the partners of people living with depression.

  • Vicki G January 2nd, 2014 at 9:27 AM #78

    I have just read this story on site “When Depression Can’t Be Cured” Unfortunately I fit right into the category. I have been like this for 2 years after being diagnosed with cancer. Prior to that I had a lot of bad things happening in my life but Zoloft (high dose) kept me level and I worked long hours and had a fairly normal life. For the past 2 years I have attempted suicide several times, twice having to be airlifted to a major city hospital and I assume put into induced coma and barely made it, unfortunately I did, causing most family and friends to cut connection with me, making things worst of course. I have been on max Zoloft and now max Cymbalta. I am getting worst, not improving and my Superannuation Policy whch includes TOTAL AND PERMANENT DISABILITY cover are making me fight to get my claim paid. After doing just a little research I can see I fit into a category of major depression who will not ever be cured. The stress of a 4 month battle with Centrelink to get a Disability Pension and now an 8 month battle with superannuation insurers is not doing my health any good. I am suffering because of it and I feel like I am being eaten away by depression, more than cancer which is at bay right now. WHY IS CENTRELINK AND SUPERANNUATION COMPANIES AND INSURERS UNABLE TO SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO PEOPLE LIKE ME? I HAVE WORKED HARD ALL MY LIFE AND PAID A LOT OF TAX. WHEN I HAVE TO TURN FIGHT FOR SOMETHING THAT I AM ELIGIBLE FOR, IT CAUSES ME A LOT OF UNNECESSARY PAIN,SUFFERING AND FRUSTRATION, BY THE TIME I GET THE PITIFUL AMOUNT i HAVE DUE TO ME I WILL MORE THAN LIKELY BE DEAD AND BURIED. WHO ACTUA;LLY CARES OR CAN HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME. IT IS SO WRONG

  • Deb January 3rd, 2014 at 8:30 AM #79

    I’m 27 years old. I have been in counseling for 5 consecutive years now. Before that I was in it on and off while in Fostercare. I’ve been on medication on and off as well. Nothing seems to help fully. I’m very fond of my counsellor and when I see her it helps but if I miss appointments I’m completely lost. My depression won’t get any better and I fear it will always be like this. I can’t seem to pull myself out and no one understands I’m not sure even my counsellor does anymore. What am I supposed to do?

  • GoodTherapy.org Support January 3rd, 2014 at 12:13 PM #80

    Thank you for your comment, Vicki. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Nicole January 11th, 2014 at 2:32 PM #81

    I’m engaged to someone who has been diagnosed with Pure OCD, Anxiety, and Depression. We’ve been together for almost five years and we’re experiencing a very dark time at the moment. He’s “getting help” at our local community mental health organization, but overall it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. He is disabled due to his mental health and is suffering. He takes his medication, but it does little or no good to take away his emptiness.
    Yesterday, he was due to go see his psychiatrist, where I wanted to bring up ECT, but she was out for the day dealing with some personal matters. Now, he’s despondent and acting very depressed. He makes comments about feeling empty and not caring about anyone anymore. He says he wishes for death. This tears me apart, but I’m helpless. I called the on-call therapist and she tells me that there’s really nothing that they can do. She repeated this sentiment to me several times.
    I bring up the idea of hospitalization and they ask if he has a plan to commit suicide. No, not actively, but he’s not doing well. She says she’ll speak with the doctor on call, but that there’s no guarantee he’ll know anything that can be done for him. She also mentions that all the beds are filled.
    He continues to lay in bed singing and mumbling to himself and I’m scared left with no help. The therapist calls back and tells me that they can’t help and that he’ll need to call his psychiatrist’s office on Monday. It’s Saturday and there’s no help. I go back in to speak with him and he’s still mumbling and singing.
    I try to speak with him about going to the ER, but he refuses. He tells me that there’s no help for him. I feel how helpless he believes his situation to be and there’s nothing I can do to help. I start crying and call his mom and step dad, who live two hours away. They decided to come and take him for the week. He tells me it won’t help and that there’s nothing that can be done for him. I’m lost and scared, I’m asking for some good solid advice. I’m asking for someone to care and to help.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT January 13th, 2014 at 1:15 AM #82

    Wow, Nicole, that must feel so horrible–to not have anything you can do, no one offering help or hope, and his being so disconnected from you. It sounds like you still have hope that the psychiatrist might help, at least with ECT tomorrow. Is that right? Do you think it’s a matter of money that makes people say they can’t help him? Or do they think it’s his personality, or addiction that’s causing his depression? Because if it’s not either of those two things, most depression is treatable. I couldn’t tell from what you said what is blocking successful treatment. If you’re engaged, that sounds like there was a time recently when he was hopeful, thinking in terms of his future, and feeling love. Did something happen?

  • Joanne January 14th, 2014 at 11:04 PM #83

    I don’t know what my official diagnosis is, but I’m 36 and have suffered from depression since childhood. I haven’t been able to find a partner or get married or have children. I’m not sure why but I always thought that I would improve as I got older after doing therapy and self help and maturing, but with all the work I’ve done the episodes have gotten worse and last longer and include more suicidal thoughts. In fact, I am scared of them now.

    Anyway, I’ve read the comments here and want to say how much I value all of your experiences and what you’ve shared because it is very hard to find anyone, let alone a group of people who understands what it is to have severe depression over a lifetime and that you can’t snap out of it. I feel like my depression is something I’ve gotten really good at hiding and just dealing with on my own, feeling ashamed, because I have learned that it is rare to come across someone who will really understand and not try to get me to just perk up. Many times I’ve opened up to people about it and they’ve said hurtful things so I just hide it mostly now. It makes me feel so bad about myself when someone who doesn’t understand first hand what its like to have this condition tries to tell me there is a simple way to feel happy or choose different thoughts. I believe there is power in choosing different thoughts, but when you are depressed, it can be like moving a mountain. Not easy or even practical at many times. Therapists have helped me, but I think this will be something I deal with on some level for my lifetime.
    The worse part is the feeling of being alone, and for many of us, we actually are alone and don’t have a partner or lots of friends, or a supportive family. My heart goes out to everyone else in this situation. It really is difficult and I just want to say that it helps me to hear about your experiences and I don’t feel so abnormal.

  • Joanne January 14th, 2014 at 11:28 PM #84

    I would also like to add that most of my depression at this point involves feeling great loss and disappointment in myself for not having a loving relationship and a family. I’ve been trying for a long time to meet the right person and start a family, but my relationships have not been successful and I feel hopeless, as if I will have to give up the one thing I’ve always wanted in my life. The idea of spending the rest of my life pursuing some career so I can pay my bills but not having close relationships makes me feel so empty and isn’t something I can feel excited about.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT January 15th, 2014 at 10:54 AM #85

    Hi Joanne,

    Thank you for contributing to our little community here. I agree with everything you’re saying. Depression isolates us from people and being close to people because we have this secret and because we often don’t have the emotional energy to handle being with people. Yet isolation is also depressing. It seems like there must be a way for people who feel this way to be a support to each other, since we do understand how it feels, but other than this forum, I haven’t figured out how to facilitate such a community.

  • Melanie January 18th, 2014 at 1:36 AM #86

    I do wonder if it’s better to take ones own life rather than be “dead above ground” on earth for the rest of your days. What if you don’t ever get better? What happens when what little hope you have starts to fade… And yes, I’m in therapy and am on two antidepressants, I work full-time and manage to keep my ‘mask’ on while at work. It’s just all very tiring.

  • JJ January 18th, 2014 at 10:07 PM #87

    I think AntD hit the nail on the head. Depression can rob us of our identity, our joys in life. Even though I am functioning on the outside–work, maintaining a household–so much of what was ME, my love for music, my intelligent mind, are put on permanent hold. I can only imagine how many others are out there struggling, yet invisible because to all outside appearances they are surviving independently.

    Therapy, diet, exercise, right thinking all have their place. But what we really need is to experience being ourselves and knowing and feeling intuitively “this is how I am meant to be”. It’s not so much we need to be free from depression, we need to be connected, at least on occasion, with the vitality that is within us! And that is something medicine has little understanding of, or seemingly any interest in.

    Perhaps I am just spouting nonsense. Here’s to all those who still hold out hope–that you may discover what is vital and real within yourself. I will keep searching wherever it takes me.

  • phoenix717 January 20th, 2014 at 8:46 AM #88

    Hi.I’m 26 years old now.I was diagnosed with depression in 2012.I should have graduated from medical school last year but I deffered the session because I was experiancing memory loss and concentration problems.I’m always isolated,I’m putting on weight because of the drugs.I feel hopeless like I have no future.I don’t know what to do……

  • phoenix717 January 20th, 2014 at 9:29 AM #89

    I take seroxat(paroxentine)I don’t feel depressed anymore,its just the trouble I’m having concentrating and with my memory

  • Marie January 26th, 2014 at 2:00 PM #90

    Joanne,
    I have never commented online before and have no idea if this will provide any solace for you; but I too am in my late 30s and felt myself nodding in agreement with almost every sentiment you so bravely shared. I too have held onto the ray of hope that time, maturity, and ‘doing the work’ would eventually lead me to some sort of freedom from the chronic dis-ease of anxiety and depression. Though as the years have passed, this has become more difficult, I still continue to work at it hourly, daily, weekly. Thank you for sharing.

  • jil February 5th, 2014 at 9:15 AM #91

    hi, i’m 22 years old suffring from my depression for only about 3 months now. i haven’t imagined that i will suffer from this kind of illness in my life. i just passed my board exam last 2012 and started to work as civil engr by feb of the following year. but now i already lost my first job bcause of being such a negative thinker and always sad. i had lost my focus and concentration and started to think that it’s my fault for loosing my job because of being a self-centered human being. i always blame myself and think that i cant go back to my normal life again. i always wanted to go back to work again but every time i think about being working again realy makes me say to myself that i would be ending up in the same traumatic situation again, and that what makes me realy depressed again. is it okay for me to find a job and start working again? i really need to get back working again for my family. :(( sorry for my bad english

  • jil February 5th, 2014 at 10:12 AM #92

    it all started when i was still working. i didn’t have a healthy workng envrnment. i felt like i was descrminated by some of my coworkers. they sometime bullied me or make fun of me. but not all of them. it gets worst when the woman i really like gets back with his boyfrnd and i started not communicating with her anymore until now. My salary also made a big factor to my depression when the company failed to give me my salary increase because of there negligence. i felt like i was being betrayed. then i started to lose my interest of what i’m basically doing in my job. felt like nothing’s makes sense, why am i doing these things? then that time i started to find it hard to sleep. i also had a sudden wake-up having a very fast heartbeat and feeling unwell. i think it’s panic attack. And so i decided to file a resgnation but from that time i felt that my depression gets worst. i totally lost my focus and interest to many things. When i was already home i didn’t like to go out and talk to anyone even my friends, i slept until 11am-12pm. i felt like not going back to work again having the feeling of so depressed. all i think now is negativity. i also have of suicidal thoughts sometimes feeling that i can’t get better. :(( i really want to get back my life.

  • admin2 February 5th, 2014 at 1:51 PM #93

    Hi Jil,
    If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately if you are in the United States:

      Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
      Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
      Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    GoodTherapy.org has further resources on this page: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
    You can also look for a therapist on GoodTherapy.org at http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    We hope these help, and we wish you the best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT February 5th, 2014 at 8:36 PM #94

    Jil,

    Most depression can be relieved by psychotherapy. Would you consider talking to a therapist about all of this? We can be supportive, but we can’t get you though this here on the forum, but if you see a therapist, you will very likely feel better and be able to have a good life.

    Cynthia

  • Rich February 10th, 2014 at 10:41 AM #95

    @Bryson-the second post from the top.

    Buddy, you don’t have a clue as to what you’re talking about.

  • Mark February 14th, 2014 at 10:52 PM #96

    I thought I wanted to write about how depressed I am. But sitting here thinking about what to say it seems so useless. I know talking about things is supposed to help, but I really don’t believe anything will help. I’m bitter about the way I feel. This is not the way anyone’s life should be. I’m actually embarrassed about my feelings. Can you believe that? I’ve dealt with depression all my life. Even as a child I would cry myself to sleep for no apparent reason and it’s so bad now, I don’t want to go on and my pride is still making me not want go into details. Absolutely incredible!

  • Colleen February 15th, 2014 at 10:53 AM #97

    It’s all well and good to suggest psychotherapy… but it all costs money and when you don’t have any extra, it’s simply not a reality. Besides, over the years, I’ve been through various therapies, and none of them have had any lasting impact. My entire life–for as long as I can remember–I’ve had varying degrees of depression. I’ve attempted suicide twice and contemplated it countless times. I’ve been on medication for years now, too. I don’t necessarily want a quick-fix, but I do want something permanent. I’m exhausted with feeling apathetic on a good day and suicidal on the bad days… It’s as if I am neurologically incapable of pleasure.

  • Cynthia Lubow February 15th, 2014 at 1:37 PM #98

    Mark, It’s unspeakably unfair that you’ve had to suffer so much your whole life–I totally agree with you, and understand why you’re bitter. It’s even more unfair to have to feel embarrassed about it–adding pain to the pain. I don’t know whether or not you can get full relief from the depression, but I know you can at least get relief from the additional pain of the embarrassment. Have you tried therapy, or have you felt too embarrassed to go? I know there’s a great deal of pressure in our culture for men not to talk about or get help for emotional pain, but if you haven’t tried good therapy, you owe it to yourself to bite the bullet and get some relief.

  • Dip February 19th, 2014 at 9:10 PM #99

    Hi ! This is my personal experience … And I find that anulom-vilom Pranayam work best for depression … As earlier I had it since last may be 2-3 yrs bt since last six month I m doing this pranayam for 40 mins. Daily and now I feel it totally cured… If u want u can extend the time duration of it depending yr requirement …let me tell you I was on medicine bt it didn’t work …..but this pranayam really work try it and never miss it for a single day. Best of luck for yr new journey towards endless joy and happiness

  • Ethan February 20th, 2014 at 6:33 PM #100

    Don’t worry eventually u will get there. And I used to cry about my life and kept doing it until I hardly ever cry anymore like I stopped caring. And I remember one time my mom was like Ethan stop trying to get attention but I now say screw you to that cause I care how I feel because that’s the only person who needs to care not your freinds. my freinds never really call me out on it I guess it doesn’t show but opening up to ur freinds is supposed to help if u can’t or don’t have any friends just tell ur feelings here cause u need closure. And it’s funny how I’m trying to tell someone bout my depression most people don’t think I know what depressed is cause im not even driving yet.

  • Dawn February 20th, 2014 at 10:53 PM #101

    Hi Cynthia I wanted to make a suggestion to # 85 post, about how being depressed keeps us from being around others like family and friends isolating..I had just found a website called “meetup” and this message is for everyone on here, this meetup website is a bunch of different groups you can join for free, pretty sure it is in every state, I found one called Depression defeaters, it is people who have depression that meetup of course with an organizer of the group to simply try and get out, whether its for lunch, bowling , a movie etc.. and it may help some to be able to meetup with people who are in our shoes and get out of the house and meet some nice understanding people that can be supportive as well as supported. just an idea. if you want to know more just ask. God bless you All! Dawn

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT February 21st, 2014 at 11:43 AM #102

    Thank you Dawn–good resource for people who can make use of it. Being depressed often puts people in the unfortunate position of being unable to bear going out and socializing yet feeling lonely at the same time.

  • Lucy February 27th, 2014 at 8:51 PM #103

    Anyone with depression should check out this study which measures childhood traumatic experiences and resiliency. I found out that I have very good reason for my lifelong depression.
    acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/

  • Ella March 5th, 2014 at 1:22 AM #104

    Thank you for your uplifting words. A lot of people don’t understand depression or how we feel. I wish that I could just get over it. You are right no one wants to live like this. Knowing that someone out there is feeling the same way gave me strength. Thank you and God bless ;) Ella

  • Gracie March 6th, 2014 at 11:11 AM #105

    In response to:

    Cynthia Lubow, MFT says:
    February 5, 2014 at 8:36 PM
    Jil,
    Most depression can be relieved by psychotherapy. Would you consider talking to a therapist about all of this? We can be supportive, but we can’t get you though this here on the forum, but if you see a therapist, you will very likely feel better and be able to have a good life.

    ………

    In my case psychotherapy has NOT relieved my depression. Therapy has NEVER helped me “feel better and able to have a good life.” I am 42 years old. I have been in treatment (psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, CBT, DBT, etc.) for 34 years. I have taken medication (every kind imaginable) for 20 years. I have been hospitalized for depression and self-harm more than 10 times.

    Needless to say I have tried everything that people promise will releave depression without ANY success. My depression is comparable to cancer. It is killing me. I am ready to die. I have a plan.

  • GT Support March 7th, 2014 at 10:15 AM #106

    Gracie,
    You are not alone! Many people feel the way you’ve described. Still, they have been able to find relief with the right therapist or combination of therapies. Please remember that there is hope, and many people want you to succeed in finding a path that works for you. See below for further resources:

    If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);

    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;

    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    • The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT March 7th, 2014 at 12:24 PM #107

    Gracie, I see you have tried so hard for so long to feel better, and nothing has worked for you. This does happen sometimes. Usually people who experience this still don’t want to die, they just want to stop suffering and dying seems like the only way. I think you are not convinced you want to die, because you are writing to us about it. There must be some tiny thread of wanting to find a way to live with less pain. In fact you have managed to survive decades of suffering, multiple treatments and multiple attempts to kill or hurt yourself. Something in you is fighting to keep you alive. What is it?

  • Sarahhavs March 8th, 2014 at 9:02 AM #108

    Hi,
    I’m 29 years old and I’ve been having depression since my early teens. My family life was not stable as a child, my mom was always sad and it felt like she didn’t love me or want me. She jerked away from me when I walked into the room with her, and sometimes locked me in the laundry room or gave me Benadryl. My dad was mostly distant but when he did talk to me it was like a fantasy kind of love that made me feel good for a time but later empty. After my dad left my mom to be gay, we moved to Hawaii where my uncle lived- but in a shack with no electricity very minimal solar power and a generator. It was all very confusing as a child, the changes. My mom got worse and fantasized out loud about not having children and talked about the sympathy that mothers get whose children died. It may not have been what it sounded like, but to me it felt like she had fantasies about killing me and my siblings or at least us being dead. I have an older brother that is mentally handicapped and she beat him and us, but she beat him a lot with cooking utensils. As it had occurred with me when I was younger, I caught my mentally handicapped brother inappropriately touching another sibling… CPS and others became involved… Long story short she was going to put my other sibling in foster care- because he got molested- instead of giving up my mentally handicapped brother who was a threat to the the rest of us- it didn’t happen. My older brother was taken into his father’s care (he’s a half brother) I sympathize with him too, but my mother wanted him in her home to hold onto his disability money. And she should have been supervising us more, because it happened more than once.

    My father eventually freed us from her care- when I was 12 and my brother 8, but he let his new partner raise us and his partner had very little understanding of how to deal with children. He did his best and he cared but he kinda treated me and my siblings like rag dolls. I felt like I had no will of my own, and even in conversation, he’d keep talking until I agreed with him, getting more and more repetitive and aggressive. Sometimes he’d be paranoid I was doing something wrong and invade my room when I was half dressed. He did some caring things but also did things that felt very wrong. And no amount of protest for the way I was being treated helped. My dad seemed like his partner overwhelmed him too- but my dad has always been a perpetual kid, I don’t know how someone else would have put in their part in that situation. My dad was distant and depressed most of the time. He said mean things to me mostly. Brian only seemed to be happy with me when I was glowing with some unreal happiness and my dad was only happy when I was miserable.
    I just want love. I want to someone to hear me for real.
    I have tried to calmly talk these things out with each of my parents but when they totally didn’t get it, I got more and more angry. With each of them it has ended in anger and frustration and feeling even less loved than before because nothing feels like it works out.

    I just feel like I want love- I feel like by ignoring everything there is no way to see each other. I don’t want or
    Like blame and I’m probably being too harsh even here. But I’m so angry and hurt and I can’t seem to stand on my own two feet.

    Now I have a hard time trusting anyone.
    I feel like I hate myself, and I don’t know how to build value in myself. I’ve been to therapy as a child, teen and as an adult. I was in two year of therapy and quit a few months ago. I institutionalized myself a year ago for three days because I was afraid I was going to kill myself. I have a hard time getting into routines, but mostly I have a hard time eating. A really hard time. Every day I wonder if all this trying is worth it because the pain is so great I can barely take it. I throw up all the time and have lots of anxiety. The medication made me feel asleep all the time or like I was suffering from memory loss. And I didn’t feel any better. I smoke pot but it seems to make things worse, but it’s really hard to cope with the pain without it. At this point I really don’t know what to do, I feel like everyone I know looks at me like I’m weak, and it’s hard not to feel that way about myself because this has been going on for so long. I’m isolated from other people. It feels like a cycle i don’t know how to get out of.
    Any advise would help so much.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT March 9th, 2014 at 12:33 AM #109

    Sarahhays,

    Wow, what a sad, sad story you’ve lived! I don’t know how you’ve had the strength to survive this long–it’s a testament to your amazing strength and will to live. It seems to me that you need to basically be re-parented. The messages you got from your parents were basically that you had no value and shouldn’t be alive. We all need to have a sustained experience of people valuing, understanding, comforting and protecting us with unconditional love. This is how we develop the ability to love and thrive. Your parents couldn’t do this, so you will have to find a mentor or therapist or relative or spiritual guide or someone who can do this with you for years, so that you can develop into a happy, healthy adult. This can even be done with a person in your imagination; you just have to have witnessed it in life, book, movie, whatever. I know this may sound wild or impossible, but it’s actually neither.

  • Sarahhavs March 9th, 2014 at 10:17 AM #110

    Thank you so much for the quick reply. This really helps a lot. I will feel better asking for help, and I will go back to therapy. Thanks again.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT March 9th, 2014 at 10:34 PM #111

    I’m so glad! Thanks for letting me know.

  • Riikka March 11th, 2014 at 5:15 AM #112

    “Atypical depression is also characterized by feeling emotionally paralyzed, physically leaden—barely able to move or engage in any activity, and often overeating, oversleeping, and experiencing sensitivity to rejection.”

    Thank you for writing this. The above describes my husband to a T. Until now we have been puzzled about what is going on with him. He has had periods of depression before, but lately he hasn’t felt so much depressed as all of the above. To be quite frank, living with him can be unbearable at times. He feels rejected, unlistened to, stressed out and attacked from the smallest change of tone in my voice – and he expresses it all through getting angry at me for “fighting him”.

    We have been married for almost three years but have no children. Some days I just want to run away. Not many things are tying us together, I could start a happier life with someone else, I could have an emotionally stable husband and co-parent. The way my husband is today, I wouldn’t dare to get pregnant. He is not fit to handle the stresses of having an infant, raging toddler or moody teenager for that matter. At the same time, I love him. I do. And I have chosen to be with him, through good times and bad. These are definitely bad ones. I feel like I would let him down by abandoning him when he’s down, and I know he would never forgive me for doing so either.

    But what is there to help us? Help might be available but not unless he takes initiative himself. Therapy only helps if he is motivated to help himself and he refuses any antidepressent medication, a decision which I do respect, because would probably choose to do the same. But I am finding myself more often in a spot where I no longer feel like I can accept his decision not to act and aggressively reach out for the helping hand that is constantly offered to him. I am finding myself thinking: make an effort or I will leave you to deal with it on your own. An unfair threat to a depressed person I suppose, probably he would help himself if he knew how. But I am feeling increasingly tired helping him as well. And that is not a good sign.

  • Fiona March 23rd, 2014 at 3:35 PM #113

    Very good article. I have lived with the condition for 20 years and thought I knew everything there is to know. Turns out I have more to learn!

  • Will March 25th, 2014 at 3:33 PM #114

    I have been depressed several times before, and now I am in it again. It feels worse now because I am older, and I have less hope for getting an education, a good job, girlfriend or a wife. When I think about these things it makes me want to kill myself. I have less contact with my friends now, I isolate myself. I have nothing to say about the reasons for my illness anymore, I think. Had an appointment with a psychiatrist today, and she didn’t have much to say about things. She said I could be hospitalized if I needed it, but I don’t want to do that anymore.

    I take Effexor. Worked last time, but not now. Been on it for 8 weeks, 225 mg. Every day now is torture. I don’t see how therapy will help. But I am desperate. It’s awful when they (psychiatrists) ask: “What do you think could help you now?” I am totally blank. It makes me hate them. I feel like I should have an answer. It makes me feel guilty and lazy and awful. I see the statistic seems pretty gloomy for me and my fellow sufferers. I don’t know how many more of these episodes I can take. People around me are not surprised or very concerned about it anymore. But it is still just as painful for me. Every day is shame and hiding and anxiety and walking around in a haze wondering why I am still alive. I am not sure why I am writing this, but I liked the article.

  • Good Therapy Support March 25th, 2014 at 3:57 PM #115

    Thank you for your comment, Will. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • ell March 25th, 2014 at 8:57 PM #116

    life is so hard, I don’t want to get better, I do not want attention. freedom from my mind is what I want.

  • Ange March 27th, 2014 at 9:08 PM #117

    Dear Bryson,

    I’m not sure the purpose of you reading the information here.

    I’m using great restraint in keeping my words and thoughts about you as kind as I can.

    I wish you well and that you discover the true source behind your anger

    I wish you wisdom in your life’s journey’s

    I encourage you to consider the need for increased capacity for personal insight

    I hope that you are able to grow in your knowledge if you choose to provide opinions

    Consider reading about emotional intelligence, empathy, compassion, consideration

    A Final Proverb: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.

    and to the others who chose to respond to Bryson’s post Yes! I think I only remained “kind” in my response because you spoke the angry words for me :)

    TO ALL OF THE INDIVIDUALS HERE that experience depression, or are a close friend or family member of a loved one with depression we all walk a very different walk on the same path and I am grateful for the honesty and openness shared here.

    LASTLY, I’m extremely thankful for the professionals who moderate and provide counsel, guidance, resources, and support.

  • tibble April 6th, 2014 at 1:48 PM #118

    thanks to everyone who has written, i relate to so many of you. too tired to write much now. Is this forum based in the US.
    ps. Joanne (message no. 83) I feel very similar to you.

  • Sad Old Soul April 6th, 2014 at 2:55 PM #119

    I did not realise there were so many people suffering the same way I am. I came here for solace as my medication is just not working. I didn’t find it (solace), I’m just so sad for us all. Why can’t we find a way.

    Something about all these comments strikes at me hard, they are all so eloquently written, by obviously highly intelligent people. I have often wondered if, the greater the level of intelligence of a person, the worse the depression gets?

  • Heather Warren April 6th, 2014 at 6:08 PM #120

    Hi,
    I have quickly read through everyones comments and I empathise with almost all.. I don’t suffer from depression however, my son who is 33 has done for about the last 15 years. He has been taking antidepressants for such a long time, prescribed by professionals, and they do nothing. Unfortunately now he has given up and ‘doesn’t care anymore’. He doesn’t want to see any more psychiatrists, all they do is up his medication and want to give him more ECT, which he has had and it didn’t work. It is really hard as a family to watch this once talented, beautiful person fade away into nothing. All he does is sleep and occasionally eats and as his mum I now feel absolutely helpless, I’m watching my son die a very painful death.
    Has anyone had similar experiences or know of someone who has? I am at my wit’s end.

  • Alex April 7th, 2014 at 7:46 PM #121

    Heather(120), what your son walked throught i am now walking after, but… im still 20 years old. at first it was a light depression from my 13 years old… but then at age 16, everything changed for me. i was sick all the time due to sleep deprivation, my girlfriend turned out to be cheating on me, my friends didnt care for me afterall, my grandmother died, my mother became depressed for awhile aswell, i failed school due to skipping as i felt sick and so was forced to dropout, my father no longer talks to me.

    thats when i realised how you cant trust anyone, and how i started hating people(which i latter found out pointless). for a few month all i did was sleep all day, i felt like i had losten something really important and today i still feel that nostalogy.

    even after that, for the next 2 years i didnt belive i had depression(i simply thought i was sick), so i kept doing analyzis.

    in the same year, i went back to school, but my anxiety has gotten so bad that i feel unwell. i managed to finish 1 year but… the next 2 years after that, i dropped out after 1 month as i started having suicidal thoughts…

    ah ye… 2 years after my depression started, i finnaly gave in and i realised i had been depressed for those 2 years… then for 1 year i tried lots of medicine and physicriat but… it wasnt working, and i kept lossing mney so i stopped.

    now im here at 3 am posting this hoping that i can resolve myself to finish highschool at least….

    yes…. i dont want to continue like this, havent been able to love or feel interest for anyone for 5 years, i feel either sad or indiferent all time for no reason, i also feel nostalogic often, and im tired all time(even thought i do exercice evrry day and it doesnt make me feel more tired, funny enought), going out bed every morning is hell, eating is tiring, and the saddest part i look at myself and i realise am a failure in society and that everyone would probably be better of if i suicided(thts the main reason i wont, i dont want to give up to this society i hate).

    what im going throught, your son probably went too. i just hope i dont end like him.. it sadness me to think my future has no goals.

    btw.. i have goals such as working out my best every day only because…. theres no reason in living. after releasing that, i figured out i wont feel better without trying to accomplish anything, even if i feel really bad trying to.

    funny… i guess im both a depressed and phycopath guy who contradicts himself at times. as if i need to go a doctor to know that. dont waste your money, thats my last tip, cya(sorry for being immature at end but we both realise theres no point in continuing this discussion).

  • Alex April 7th, 2014 at 8:03 PM #122

    actually your son depression wont get better, but stilll…

    theres 2 paths for him:

    live with it.

    or

    die with it.

    what he chooses its up to him, but if hes been like that for years then im sure he doesnt want to die. my suggestion would be, tell him to set a goal. doesnt have to be something he likes(just as people grind in korean games every day as a goal, even thought it as borring as doing nothing). im sure he will get tired of sleeping after a few months, then his problem will be anxiety of doing something different, not even the depression.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team April 8th, 2014 at 8:44 AM #123

    Thank you for your comment, Alex. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jimmy April 13th, 2014 at 11:26 AM #124

    Depression is a scary thing. I’ve been on and off meds for 14 years and some have helped better than others. I did hide an addiction to alcohol until recently but after being sober now for over a year I find I’m struggling w it again. Its scary because I have so much to be grateful for but I feel it pulling me back. A friend mentioned I need to go see another doctor and start over fresh. Nothing against the old doctor just a fresh perspective on me. I guess you just have to have hope. I’ve had lots to be grateful for and even w that it can be hard to see. I hope someone that is struggling and less fortunate than me just can keep holding on and ask for help. Even a friend reach out to someone you think is hurting. I fortunately still see my son often but miss him dearly and still miss my ex that i pushed away. Sounds cliche just keep fighting.

  • Malynn April 16th, 2014 at 6:43 PM #125

    So many poor, sad, dark souls here. I am one. I am 26 years old and a female. I think I was depressed as a child because I was severely bullied and remember having extremely low self esteem from as far back as age 14. I used to walk around clinging to my grandmother asking her repeatedly “Do you love me Granny?” This would happen at least 15 times every day. I was always worried about being ‘bad’ and was angry at school all the time. I also remember wanting to die so I wouldn’t bother people. She pretty much raised me as mom and dad worked all day. On the outside I had a really great childhood. Both parents were with me and always loved and cared for me, no abuse of any kind. Something just went wrong somewhere.

    Flash forward to college. Due to a learning disability I was never able to get my AA degree. I remember the first wave of what I now realize was probably major atypical depression settling in when I was 22. I just cried because I knew I wasnt good enough for anyone and that I had dissapointed everyone in my life. Sleeping 14 hours a day, I never bathed and rarely ate. I hated who I was and kept my anger inside. God only knows why I never started self harming. I would snap at my parents but never, EVER got angry at anyone but myself. I started to seriously think about killing myself at this point. I remember going out and buying a bottle of sleeping pills and lying on the floor sobbing, wanting nothing more than to take them but was unable to because I knew it would devastate my elderly grandparents, who I adore. I was able to work and function, but inside I just wanted to die. During this period I was also very promiscuous and did a good many drugs. I was in pain and didn’t know how to get out of it. I still don’t. I thought that if maybe I could get a man to love me, I would feel better. They never stayed or wanted me for longer than one night. I started to hate looking in the mirror. One day I put black curtains up over the mirrors in my bathroom and kept them up for months until my mother came in and yanked them down.

    Eventually, I guess I just learned to ‘cope’ or live with the blackness in my spirit. It was always there, on some days more noticeable than others. Until now.

    I thought that for awhile, I was in the clear. That I wouldn’t feel THAT bad ever. again. I was so wrong.

    I started working two hours away from home at a high stress job. I have been bullied there in a subtle and sometimes aggressive way, and right from the start I knew inwas going to be in trouble. The night before the job I woke up screaming bloody murder, running from m ybed. This was the first of seven re-occurring night terrors that are so horrific, I’m afraid to sleep. I think about jumping in front of the subway platform at work every day now. There is a beach that will be my suicide spot. I know it. I can’t take this any more but I’m terrified to quit as I will lose my health benefits. Everything that has ever brought me joy has vanished. I used to love hiking and rock climbing. When my father told me that he and some friends were going hiking to a national park and that they wanted to take me, all that I could think of was which waterfall to jump off of and end my life. Even my love of the natural world has been stolen from me. I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

    This depression has me by the throat like a tiger. I can’t believe that it has come back even stronger than before.

    I wish I could see a way out but there is no way but death. And I’m tired of fighting.

  • Malynn April 16th, 2014 at 6:57 PM #126

    I should also add that this episode of depression is also different in that now I simply do not care. About anything. I have always taken pride in my work but now I dont give a d*** if my work is done at all. Today I found myself thinking “what is the point of doing all this work at my job when all I want to do is end my own life? If i killed myself tonight someone else would come in and clean up my mess by the end of the next day. Why am I doing this?” Everything is pushed off or ignored. I just want the pain to end. It is almost as though the only thing that matters any longer is stopping this terrible hurt.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team April 17th, 2014 at 8:41 AM #127

    Thank you for your comment, Malynn. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sarah April 19th, 2014 at 5:34 AM #128

    I really do feel for you I suffer from depression have done for many years now as did my mother and brother . I have three lovely children two of whom have been affected themselves . My daughter is 27 and has suffered since being bullied at school she recently lost her boy friend and was made redundant she has been very upset and tearful at times and tells me that she’s finding life really hard . It breaks my heart. My son became ill at uni and ended up marrying his college girlfriend whom I feel I have nothing in common with I’m so scared he married her because he was trapped at a difficult time in his life all this worry is making me very I’ll. I love my children so much and can’t bear to think of them being unhappy because I have experienced it and know how dreadful it is.

  • Sad Old Soul April 22nd, 2014 at 5:07 PM #129

    Up until today I only thought of suicide as a way out of the pain. So for the hell of it and because it didn’t really matter anymore I mixed up all my meds and took whatever was in front of me. And guess what….today was my first good day in years. I mean a really good day.
    Just to thank God for the beautiful breeze on my face and to want to live for more. And then I got scared that this might be the only good day so I don’t want to go to sleep tonight in case it never happens again….oh the irony.
    I also realised that talking helps. I talk to myself a lot as I have not a single friend and my husband just doesn’t understand depression at all. If anyone feels the need just to share, I will read your message, I will listen to you. Not offering a solution, but I will understand how you feel.

  • GoodTherapy.org Team April 23rd, 2014 at 9:34 AM #130

    Thank you for your comment, Sad Old Soul. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • mmadttog April 27th, 2014 at 12:26 PM #131

    For 12 years I’ve been beyond depressed and I’ve given up on ever being happy again.I’m a master at covering the never-ending emptiness and near total-isolation in my personal life or should I say so-called life.The good thing is I’m over 55 so I will not last too many more years anyway.I cry every morning when I awake and if it weren’t for the 2 days a week I work part time,I never leave my bedroom and spend some days all day with my head underneath sheets and blankets.No way I would think to inflict my soul-death on anyone so of course I live alone with no visitors.My neighbors go for months without seeing me sometimes because I peek out before I scurry to my car and I shop at the 24 Hour grocery store at 3 and 4 AM to avoid eye contact and when I see another person in an isle,I avoid the isle because sometimes I start crying when out in public plus my self disgust is so high no one should pay a second of attention on me.As a realist,my wounds are too deep and no light gets in.
    All the lonely people,where do we all belong?

  • Jody May 2nd, 2014 at 11:30 PM #132

    There’s lots of lovely people and places and things to see. I’ve been in a dark hole In my spirit for so long that I think I would miss it if it was gone. Keep going. It’s really not so bad. Please don’t die, not like that. There can be so much more. Some one will be emotionally damaged for the rest of eternity if you make that choice- please, please don’t commit suicide. And if your job makes you feel that bad, find a new one and leave.

  • amanda May 4th, 2014 at 12:11 AM #133

    I suffer from schizoaffective disorder which is a mixture of schizophrenia and depression. The schizophrenia isn’t nearly as bad as the depression side of it. I think I could live with being delusional if only it weren’t for the feeling that I am walking around every day with a weight inside my chest. Every day, I’m scared I’m going to die. Not suicide or anything like that, I’m just scared that the emotional pain will get so bad that I’ll suddenly just drop dead out of nowhere. I sleep most of the day away, but even sleep isn’t much of a release for me. I’m plagued by terrible nightmares and most of the time I wake up screaming only to fall back asleep a couple minutes later and have it happen all over again.

    My boyfriend tells me to “just be happy.” How can I be happy if I don’t even know what happy is? He makes me feel like I’m being an emotional little harpy. My dad doesn’t help either. I lied to him and told him I’m being treated for anxiety so he wouldn’t get too freaked out. Ever since he got a glimpse of all my medications, he’s been telling me I “don’t need them” and to “get off them asap.” Nobody gets it.

    I’m in therapy and I take medication, but I’m scared this just isn’t going to go away. Reading this article just confirmed that for me. I don’t think I can do this forever.

  • GT Support May 4th, 2014 at 8:30 AM #134

    Thank you for your comment, Amanda. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow May 4th, 2014 at 2:20 PM #135

    Amanda,

    I have found sometimes schizoaffective disorder is triggered by childhood trauma. If that is the case for you, some good EMDR treatment might be very helpful in getting you relief. Any chance trauma was involved for you?

    Cynthia

  • Cynthia Lubow May 4th, 2014 at 2:28 PM #136

    Malynn,

    One of the great gifts of such deep, intense depression is realizing you have nothing to lose by making your life be whatever you want it to be. If the choice is losing your health benefits or dying, why not give up your job that is killing you and try to create a life that doesn’t kill whatever capacity for joy you have? You can’t afford to work at a job where you feel bullied and get night terrors from–really you can’t afford to do what you think is playing it safe by staying. You are actually doing the opposite, one could argue; you are risking your life by continuing to work there. Just sayin’.

    Cynthia

  • James May 16th, 2014 at 4:32 AM #137

    I have bp, I am 27 and live by myself, I wont get a partner because I know what a drag it is to be around me. I work 40hrs a week and that just manages to pay the mortgage and bills. My problem is I get that sick with depression I am physically slow at work and its going to cost me my job. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want depression and homelessness. Been thinking suicide is the only option. “just get over it” go f yourself, I wake up everyday go to work and try to fight.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team May 16th, 2014 at 8:14 AM #138

    Thank you for your comment, James. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT May 16th, 2014 at 8:30 AM #139

    Hi James. Yeah, I get it–it’s so hard to keep fighting all the time, and also not to know if you can count on yourself to be able to do what you need to do. Have you been to a good psychiatrist and tried medication or even ECT? Most people with bp can live a pretty normal life with the treatments we have. I have a friend who feels pretty normal with ECT treatments. Also, have you considered disability and lowering your costs? I know that’s tough, but then you could work or volunteer when you were up to it and rest when the illness took over. Just some thoughts. Maybe you could even help others with bp, because lots of people have this issue and need help.

  • Kat May 16th, 2014 at 11:26 AM #140

    I’m astounded by the things people who have posted here have suffered. While I haven’t had such trauma in my past, I’ve been dealing with depression (hereditary from my mom) for about 10 years on and off. I’m noticing the big picture effects of this illness.. inability to maintain many close relationships, career confidence, etc.

    My main struggle right now is getting my live-in boyfriend to understand the depression. How do you make someone get it? It’s exhausting to be depressed and then on top of it explain it’s just my depression and hope to God the person understands. He is mostly supportive but I know he doesn’t truly grasp what depression is. My support system is my boyfriend and sister (I have friends but don’t feel I can trust them and don’t want to burden them and scare them away with it) and I don’t think they understand my actions and state are a result of depression.

    I have a therapy appt in a few weeks and that was the earliest they could get me in with the insurance I have. I’m sure I’ll explore more of this with the therapist but wanted to get that concern out now. Thanks!

  • Cam May 16th, 2014 at 1:20 PM #141

    Hi. I just want to apologize for my horrific writing in advance so I’m sorry. This is the first time I’ve ever voiced my concerns. Where to start? Well I think I might be depressed. I’m a 28 year old male. I don’t know. I’m miserable. Everyone around me thinks I’m doing so well but inside I’m eating myself alive. There’s not a day that his by that I don’t think about putting a bullet through my head or pinning it in my car into a stone or brick wall. I have had these thoughts since I was a young man maybe 15. There’s so much to write but I don’t know where to start. I have a great life. I have a great family, friends and I work at one of the greatest restaurants in the world which was a goal I worked towards since I was 13 but no matter what accomplishments I have or experiences I have nothing can take away the underlying thought that I am just miserable. I just need someone to talk to. As much as I want to leave this world I have to many people relying on me and if I did take my life it would hurt them to much. Are there any free hotlines or anything? I don’t know.

  • TJ May 16th, 2014 at 1:40 PM #142

    It’s not that people with depression don’t want to help themselves, it’s that they are so lost and sad that they don’t know how. It’s an illness that overwhelms you sometimes and you can’t think of how you can help yourself. Don’t critisize people with this illness for not getting help. It’s not their fault. It’s because they feel that there is no hope for themselves and that there is no one and nothing that can help them. Unless you have the illness, you can’t possibly understand how it feels. I know because I’ve had depression for 24 years. I’ve tried therapy, meds, you name it. It just doesn’t go away. It’s more painful than you can imagine. Partly because people don’t understand and partly because it’s not an illness that you can see like a broken leg or a cut. I often have to suffer in silence.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT May 16th, 2014 at 11:59 PM #143

    Kat, you might want to take a look at, and maybe show him my blog article on what goes on inside a depressed person’s head. It’ might help him understand a little better. That’s why I wrote it.

  • GT Support May 17th, 2014 at 9:17 AM #144

    Thank you for your comment, Cam. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT May 17th, 2014 at 12:47 PM #145

    Hi Cam. I hope you have called the free hotlines referenced by GoodTherapy.org. I just want to add that it’s very likely that you could live without suffering so much and enjoying your life instead. We have treatments for what you are experiencing and you owe it to yourself to seek them out so you can live without being tormented like this. Find a good therapist and get evaluated by a good psychiatrist. between therapy and medication, you have a good chance of feeling happy to be alive, as hard as that maybe to believe right now.

  • Tina May 19th, 2014 at 6:52 PM #146

    i am a 41 yr newly married to a divorcee of 3 kids of which we r staying with us. im so misserable bt my hubby helps a lot. i have a good job but im just so lazy. i only cook at home thats it. my hubby does the rest. i pursue my studies bt i cant even.open the books. i hate de house im staying at whivh is my husband house in his previous marriage. im so depressed i feel like im noy sure why i got married but i love my husband
    . pls help.

  • Wendy S. May 29th, 2014 at 1:16 PM #147

    Hi. I am so tired of being sad. I’m 37, and struggled with depression my whole life. I have been married a wonderful man that has helped me through it all. Its not fair to him to have to live with someone like me. We’ve been together since we were 15. I was finally able to have a baby. He is 13 months old. I want more. I just want to be able to care for them. I lay here in bed now while he’s asleep beside me crying. I want to get out and do stuff. Most days it’s a struggle for me to even get ready. My mind is tired and I feel empty. I’ve been disabled since I was 24. That is when things started getting worse. Im stuck in the house all of the time. I don’t want my child to have a mentally sick mother. I wanted him for so long.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT May 29th, 2014 at 11:47 PM #148

    Hi Wendy S.

    What have you tried in order to get relief? Maybe if you tell me what hasn’t worked, or what has ever worked, I can think of some ideas for you.

  • chris June 2nd, 2014 at 11:03 PM #149

    Cast seem to find the strength to do anything anymore and mad at myself. Can’t focus at work .ir the task at hand without just walking away. Not sure if something US wrong with me Ive had. Issues before but it would go away. For a while but it’s never been this rough . My spark is gone I’m not.as gun holt. As I was when I was 18-22 but I’m 28 now and I’ve battled myself to go to work but I’d lose focus and just leave. I argue to stay or go but the only ppl that I dont feel that way around is ny wife and daughter. I’m on the verge of just going off or blowing up and I know I’m better than this plz help

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team June 3rd, 2014 at 8:39 AM #150

    Thank you for your comment, Chris. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT June 3rd, 2014 at 9:18 AM #151

    Chris, there is help out here–have you tried talking to a therapist? Therapists help people with depression and motivation issues every day. Please make an appointment with someone you feel helped by. You are coping with too much suffering for one person alone. Your family needs you to be alive and well. You’ve already started reaching out–reach a little further and find a therapist to help you find joy.

  • Efraim June 4th, 2014 at 5:32 PM #152

    Are there answers to the ending questions?

  • rols June 7th, 2014 at 1:53 AM #153

    Hey, I never realized life was going to be so difficult while growing up. Now m 30 and I have absolutely achieved nothing. Evrytime any difficult turn would come I would just shut myself off ccoz I would get so nervous.when I was fourteen I was in a blast where I lost my mum ,that was my first episode of depression which lasted 6 months. After that every few months this horrid illness returns wher I feel complete hopeless.,I stay alone and do not have a job, I just stay at my home hoping I just decay and no one notices. What is the point in this life, every few days there is a hurdle, I wonder why God made life so difficult., if he was throwing so much trouble at us atleast he should have given us the courage to face it.. in addition everytime I go through these episodes its like I have gone back a few years , instead of my brain moving forward ,it just go back a few years..I do not have money to go to the therapist..and I keep reading what I can do to get rid of this feeling but my will to fight has got lost.. I feel like a lost child who wants someone to hold their hand and just guide me ,tell me how to sort my life. I don’t know how it comes to somany people naturally, how do they know how to handle life. I have become my worst enemy.how do I become normal again.I know ppl have worse problems ,but there problems are real, my my brain creates a problem and then makes it so bad that there is no running away,my heart beats fasterbut it still beats,I hope that it stops beating but the damn thing still keeps pumping.

  • rols June 7th, 2014 at 2:15 AM #154

    Its funny how everyone says just go to friends and distract ur self from negative feelings,no friend listens to a sob story, they will listen a first few times and then just run away.this depression is like a curse, even if something good happenning, the depression will make it run away…

  • rols June 7th, 2014 at 2:21 AM #155

    Tell me one thing, if a person is feeling suicidal, why will they call a helpline, they have had enough of life and are not strong enough to bare it anymore, won’t it be better if they just end it, all the torture that thier brain can take, its taken, why would they like any help, its not as if life will change afterwords, life is still going to be cruel.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT June 8th, 2014 at 12:19 AM #156

    Rols,

    To me it is key that you had your first episode after the blast that took your mum. That means at the root of all the other stuff you’ve suffered is an unresolved traumatic loss. EMDR can resolve traumatic losses, and you may not have to suffer so much anymore. I know you said you don’t have money, but even a few sessions with a good EMDR therapist could make a huge difference. Is there any way?

  • Mr. Dana L. June 10th, 2014 at 10:14 PM #157

    I’m a prior service disabled combat veteran from the 82nd Airborne of the US Army. I have several deployments to both theaters of war. I have had been diagnosed with PTSD/TBI and secondary depression. I’ve been through the VA in patient and out patient treatment, taking mind altering meds, but stopped because they were making me not care about people. The meds made me feel like I could turn into a mindless homicidal zombie because I had no sympathy for anyone else. I lost feeling for anything, when I stopped I remained depressed but at least not like an evil void that could just flip out. So nothing the VA has done has helped much at all. A little but not much, now with all the scandals I can’t even trust the VA in my area. The last visit I had, I had gotten kicked out because I had mentioned that I didn’t believe the entire story of why we were deployed overseas, that there was something seriously wrong with the way everything has been going with our country and the world governments, there is more to the story, and that I wanted to seek religious treatment. The vetcenter therapist basically told me good luck and I wasn’t invited back to visit or to group. So the vetcenter doesn’t help, the va doesn’t help and are working to kill veterans, I have been searching for religious help and have nothing to help me get over this thing that drains all of my energy and makes me so embarrassed to see anyone. I am drained of all the options I can think of, I can’t get over this and I’m afraid of getting work that I’ll let down whoever I work for. I finished my degree from college, but I just can’t find a path to take myself for fear ill let people down. I have no one to trust that I can turn to. I’m all out of options, I guess I am too crazy for the VA or Vetcenter to even want to treat. I really have no idea what to do, I really feel like I was deceived by my own government, injured in the line of duty, I come home with the DHS saying I’m the next greatest terrorist threat, the VA is in scandals of letting veterans die, therapists that tell me I’m a psychotic conspiracy nut for questioning what’s been going on, maybe I am psychotic, I mean I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t need help. So WHAT DO I DO? Sorry for rambling, I just don’t know what to believe anymore, who to trust, and what to do, I’ve lost all interest in things I use to like to do, I can’t even get out of the house without feeling like I’m being judged for my failures, I’m miserable by myself but I’m worse around other people. I’m just so ashamed of myself. I really hope God and my loved ones will forgive me. I’m at the end here, I have no other choice but not be a burden anymore…

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team June 11th, 2014 at 8:41 AM #158

    Thank you for your comment, Mr. Dana L. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • thewalkingdead June 12th, 2014 at 10:29 AM #159

    I’m seventeen, with depression since I was 13. It feels like it’s been forever since I felt okay.. I’ve almost failed seventh, ninth, tenth, and now I’m going to actually repeat 11th grade if I don’t just decide to quit..
    I don’t know how I’ll even do in college. I’m scared I’ll end up as a drop out in college if I even get my diploma.. I’m so afraid for my life because studying and even completing the simplest assignments at school make me cry.
    I cry nearly every day. My ex boyfriend cheated on me. I talk to NO ONE at all. No friends, no social life, nothing. I can’t maintain any friendships. They all last a week and I never contact anyone back ever again, so I gave up on talking to anyone anymore.
    The only time my older sister speaks to me is when she’s yelling at me and my mother’s always at work.
    I’ve been hospitalized 3 times, on different medications, almost committed suicide once, used to cut myself for about 3 and a half years.

    I can’t do anything anymore for school. I’m in therapy and nothing works for me and I’m scared to death for my own future.

    I feel like im literally disabled. I don’t know how I’ll end up when I’m on my own. I’ve always dreamed of studying hard and getting into a great career but that doesn’t seem realistic.

    im so scared. i just want to take all my pills right now and hope that i die.

  • Carter June 12th, 2014 at 1:35 PM #160

    I have no idea what to do anymore. I have tried everything possible short of being hospitalized, but nothing has worked well for me so far. I have hurt many good people, because of this. I have never asked somebody for help before I usually never tell anybody about this because I don’t want to burden people with it, but I am nearing the end here. It is like a never ending nightmare. I wake up every once in awhile for a short period only to fall asleep again. I have now isolated myself from my friends for awhile because I am having another episode. I always feel an emptiness inside, and a void in my heart that I can never seem to fill no matter what I do. I hate feeling this way. My friends, and family tell me very depressing things, and I do my best to help them, but I am never of as much help as I would like to be because it hurts me greatly to hear they are suffering, and It affects my ability to assist them. I am tired of hurting people i care for i always try my best to do good, but i always fail. I don’t know what to do anymore Does anybody here have any ideas that could work. I have tried medication but taking antidepressants only made me more depressed that I wasn’t strong enough to handle it on my own.I feel very selfish that i am feeling this way. I don’t hardly eat anymore now, I chain smoke very often. I have drank until I blacked out multiple times. I have been sleeping much more then I used to. I am a male if that makes any difference. I feel so worthless all the time… I probably am not worth helping, but if anybody has any ideas I would be really grateful for them?

  • Step June 15th, 2014 at 11:08 PM #161

    Try St. John’s wort it’s what I use and I think to myself before bed everything I’m grateful for because there are a lot of people out there that have it way worse then I do ‘ :)

  • Carter June 17th, 2014 at 2:13 AM #162

    I really can’t handle it anymore, and I can’t really understand why I am feeling this way? It is like the pain of a very bad heartbreak the constant emptiness, it feels always like a giant hole in my hwart. I can’t properly put it into words. It’s like going through all the stages at once confusion, anger, sadness. I just want it to stop. There are breaks every now and then which is always nice, but there far and few between.

  • Gary June 17th, 2014 at 9:02 AM #163

    Carter,

    I am a 52 year old male who has been suffering since I was a teenager. I have looked up everything on the computer. You may be an empath-please look it up. I’ve been on many meds in hospital 2x and have tried everything. Suffered loss of dad, divorce, work and home.

    I became a christian years ago and suffer still.

    I want you to know that I don’t know you but care because I live it.

    Don’t give up

    People care about you-even though you feel worthless, it’s just the opposite

    Keep your mind busy, take your mind off yourself – I am no expert but I do know about this area.

    Bless you friend

    Gary

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT June 17th, 2014 at 11:48 PM #164

    Carter,

    There are lots of possibilities for where your suffering comes from and what might relieve it. Have you tried therapy? What have you tried that hasn’t helped and what if anything has? Let’s start from what you already know about yourself.

    Cynthia

  • Rod June 18th, 2014 at 9:52 AM #165

    I am 47 years old and have been suffering from depression and anxiety since I was young.

    It has recently gotten much worse, to the point where I feel that my life is meaningless and I don’t feel I can continue to live this way.

    I have tried everything but nothing is working anymore.
    I don’t know who to reach out to anymore.

    I lost my only brother to stomach cancer 9 years ago and now my father is battling the same cancer.

    I just don’t have the strength to go on.

  • Debra June 19th, 2014 at 5:03 PM #166

    Dana,

    You are not crazy. The VA does not care. Call out to God and he will comfort you. In the meantime remember, you are made in the image of God. Keep that as your mantra. Every second of the day

  • Jeanette June 24th, 2014 at 12:27 AM #167

    My name is Jeanette and I have had depression for 8 months now.It all started with college.I had so much stress,low self esteem, financial problems, family problems.I had a boyfriend and friends at the time so I tried to distract myself but nothing helped. During winter break depression hit me hard and I started cutting myself

    This depression really affected my concentration so I ended up failing some classes, my GPA dropped and now I’m dismissed.

    coming back home made me think things would get better but my parents and sister keep asking me what will happen next semester in college and I don’t know how to answer.
    Anyways this has brought nightmares and fear.I go through everyday feeling hopeless with nothing but pain.I have a hard time enjoying things, I can hardly sleep and worst of all is my parents believe in just lazy but I’m actually dying on the inside.
    I finally got the courage to tell my mom then I find out that my grandpa is really sick and is showing signs of depression as well.

    I dont know what to do anymore I get laughed at, unappreciated and recently I get constant thoughts of suicide.All I think is that things would be better without me besides it doesn’t look like I have a future.I cant get a job and I’m a dropout.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team June 24th, 2014 at 8:48 AM #168

    Thank you for your comment, Jeanette. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • priscilla w June 25th, 2014 at 4:01 PM #169

    I have on and off depression. My husband is in the military and we had to move 12 hrs away from home. I have a very active 18 month old. My husband works ALOT of hours. So I am home alone alot. I feel like I can go crazy, and like I am gone to smother. I feel like I am only happy with my parents. I am 25 years old and I just want it to go away and live normal. Miki life is very stressful I’m always moving back and forth and it always seems funeral and further away from family. I know i need help and I want it. I want to stop feeling alone and except I’m away from family

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT June 26th, 2014 at 8:51 AM #170

    Priscilla, Is there any way to meet friends, other Moms preferably? Are there play groups on base or in the community, where your child could play while you visit? Or is there any way to get a break from parenting, and you go play? Is taking your child to be with your parents frequently an option? Give yourself permission to do what it takes for you to feel better, because feeling this way doesn’t serve you or your husband or child. People often think they can’t do what they need, because it’s not what other people do or what others want for them. That self-limiting can cause depression to get worse and worse and become harder to return from. Let yourself dream about what you really really really want and see if it would help you feel happier. Then find a way to do it.

  • Overwhelmed June 29th, 2014 at 6:53 PM #171

    I feel the same as Carter.
    I lost my Sister( my best friend) in February. Now my therapist decides not to see me anymore at a time when I need it most. I am devastated, hurt, and vert sad about this. I am at a loss for words. I don’ t know what to do. I am in a deep dark place and having a very difficult time.

  • Emma-Lee July 4th, 2014 at 8:34 PM #172

    My name is Emma-Lee and I’m 19. I have been suffering from depression since I was at least 12 and have been cutting since I was 13. I have little to no self esteem and I know it sounds petty and childish but can find any reason for my patents to care. They have always favored my little brother because he is brilliant and a top varsity athlete for thee different sports. Everybody knows it. I have even had people ask if I knew they favored him. I always knew when he’d beat me more because I wasn’t smart or good at anything. I think the longest I went with out cutting was 10th and 11tg grade and that was because I had really great teachers. Lately though it’s jUst gotten so bad. I started cutting again a month into my first year of collage. I was too depressed to get out of bed and go to classes then my anxiety would go into overdrive because I missed classes. I started drinking heavily and smoking and doing a bunch if different drugs just to try and feel better or forget. I was such a wreck and failed first semester. My best friend and rugby teammate helped me relize I needed to get medicated after what would have been my third attempt and I did a lot better. But now I can no longer afford school so I’m back to working and I told my parents I wanted to enlist in the Navey but you can’t be in any depression medication so I’ve stopped taking it. It’s been barly a week and I’m falling apart. The last three days all I have wanted to do is cut and smoke and drink. I know my parents don’t care cause they have made jokes about my problems on many occasions and when I showed my cuts to my father he said “well that’s a silly thing to do”. I mean wtf am I suppose to do w that??? I’m just a mess.

  • Jon July 4th, 2014 at 11:16 PM #173

    My sister (now 26) has struggled with clinical depression for almost 10 years. What was first diagnosed as bipolar, has since evolved into unipolar depression, and it has reached such critical levels that she has attempted suicide a number of times and has been involuntarily hospitalised on a number of occasions.

    She lives with my parents, and I live about 10 minutes away so the three of us care for her as best we can. However, at the moment her behaviour is such that we are struggling to stay afloat. She actually has a very good and caring psychiatrist, but no medical regimes seem to offer her much relief. She also has a good psychologist, but she is so reluctant to engage or speak with anyone that it is hard to get the benefits from this.

    Almost every day is the same now – she wakes up late (around 2-4pm), is barely communicative and just aimlessly walks back and forth between rooms in the house, pausing only to stare into space. Then she starts to cry, and then this builds up until she reaches a hysterical state, screaming at the top of her lungs (no words, just screaming), and then starts smashing things in the house, or tries to jump out a window (we are on the 8th floor of a high rise block).

    Nothing we say or do seems to offer any comfort, and the slightest thing can trigger these hysterical rages (the other day she was crying, and I sneezed, which all of a sudden triggered her to start screaming and shouting).

    Really at a loss as to what to do. Occasionally she screams out that she needs help, but then any attempt to help (or even ask what kind of help she needs/wants) makes her even worse.

    She is terrified she is going to be committed to a mental institution, which of course none of us want. But we need to find some way that she can get back in control of her body, because right now her depression/frustration is so deep it is totally debilitating.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support July 5th, 2014 at 10:16 AM #174

    Please use this for comments where people are in crisis:

    Thank you for your comment, Emma-Lee. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Fran July 5th, 2014 at 11:10 AM #175

    I’m 62 and I’m severely depressed, now. I am now and have been on medications for the last 25 years. I also have been in therapy off and on. Nothing seems to help. I live alone and I really don’t have anyone who cares and would stand by me to help me. Most people just don’t get it and don’t want to be around you, anyway -even friends and family. I barely, function (I’m retired, thank god). I just don’t have the energy to pick myself up and continue living. It’s hard when you have no good reason. What’s the point of it all? Suffer, suffer and then it’s over.

  • Ricky J.M II July 6th, 2014 at 12:07 AM #176

    This is my life. I have been through the drugs and therapies – it doesn’t change stuff. I just don’t have the belief/delusion that there is any point to even trying, when all I get is frustration and failure; and the only ‘success’ is wrapping myself up in compulsive hobbies I don’t actually give a shit about.
    There’s never any ‘resolution’ or end to it, just more s**t more s**t more s**t. I’m freaking sick of trying over and over when all I want to do is kill myself.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support July 6th, 2014 at 10:35 AM #177

    Thank you for your comment, Ricky. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • marcos July 6th, 2014 at 10:42 AM #178

    I ve heard that ayahuasca may help some cases that conventional medicine didnt.
    Just dont do it, if you never tryed other things

  • marcos July 6th, 2014 at 10:43 AM #179

    I ve heard that ayahuasca may help some cases that conventional medicine didnt.
    Just dont do it. Keep living.

  • zeezee July 7th, 2014 at 12:22 PM #180

    I suffer from anger and depression near every day now. It’s real easy to blame other people…even when the roots of your depression are actually all your fault. It makes a person feel better in a way, but sometimes certain people do have terrible luck in life. I look back, and people of authority, including doctors, a lawyer, a policeman, the MTO, have all contributed to what I know is a bad hand dealt to me. Now, I could kill these people with no problem. Nothing can be done to expose what these “pillars of society” have done to me in the past, and that’s all I want. I suffer from their deceit and prejudice in the past, and nobody wants to even hear the dang story. “Get over it.” is the common theme. Kind of extremely difficult, when the things these people did are in the way of improving my life and thus making myself happier. If it didn’t embarass my relatives so much, I’d pay these jerks back in spades…just sayin’.

  • Trying to survive July 8th, 2014 at 12:05 AM #181

    Hey guys
    Just wanted to share my story. I’m 30 and have been battling depression for about 5yrs now. However it was bearable and I was able to do my day to day activities. Since the last few months I feel as if it has overtaken me and engulfed me with a vengeance. Don’t feel like eating getting out of bed. Life seems a border and of no use. Tried various medication but of no help. Am clueless and blank. Seems that I’m losing the battle

  • Katie B July 8th, 2014 at 12:59 AM #182

    My boyfriend suffers from severe clinical depression. he believes that it is who he is and it is all that he is. He won’t come out of his dark room anymore and isn’t eating, and he is now refusing his meds. I’m not sure what to do because all I’ve wanted is for him to be better, but sometimes love is not enough. and this has gotten a lot bigger than me. Please give me advice, I am at my witts end and am desperate for someone to help him and our relationship.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team July 8th, 2014 at 9:10 AM #183

    Thank you for your comment, Trying to survive. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Chmf July 12th, 2014 at 12:33 AM #184

    Hey overwhelmed,

    I just came across your comment and had to say something. First of all I can’t imagine what that must be like. I think for people that suffer from a painful mental state there is like this survival instinct to look for something outside to help out of desperation. This is because inside feels so bad. I think though that even though the feelings you feel tell you otherwise, you have a lot more power than you think. Depression and feelings of hopelessness are so lethal because it tells you that there’s nothing you can do and than most people outside agree with that at least to an extent because they either suffer from depression and feel the same or they don’t fully understand what it’s like. But I do. And I believe that if you create a space for a better reality, hard as it is, it will start to form. You have to be kind and patient with yourself and don’t try to fix the bad that you can’t fix. Just focus on that space of things that are better as much as you can. And slowly you will see that things are actually better. It sounds weird. But I have suffered through major depression for most of my life and can say that even though everything is telling you the exact opposite, things can genuinely be better. I wish you all the best and to find your happiness and love inside.

  • Teresa July 13th, 2014 at 7:06 AM #185

    Hi Jeanette. Hope you are feeling better at this time. I want to recommend you to go to church. They can help you. There are groups in church that helps people in situations like you. If you believe in God pray to him to help you. You will see. Hope this can help you.

  • Teresa July 13th, 2014 at 7:08 AM #186

    Hi Rod. Hope you are feeling better at this time. I want to recommend you to go to church. They can help you. There are groups in church that helps people in situations like you. If you believe in God pray to him to help you. You will see. Hope this can help you.

  • Teresa July 13th, 2014 at 7:10 AM #187

    Hi Carter. Hope you are feeling better at this time. Have you try in going to Church?. They can help you there. There are groups in church that helps people in situations like you. If you believe in God pray to him to help you. You will see. Hope this can help you. Best wishes.

  • Teresa July 13th, 2014 at 7:17 AM #188

    Hi.. if you need someone to talk to email me and I will listen to you. Life still beautiful. You are young and problably pretty. You see no way out now but there is always a good way out. You can find it. Talk to your mom go to Church look for help. I have a daughter that is 19 and is going through something similar. Hope this help. But is you wanna talk send me an email. Take care

  • holly July 13th, 2014 at 11:48 PM #189

    Fran, I am in the same boat as you and know how it feels. I would be happy to email with you so we each have someone to talk to if you want.

  • Charlie July 17th, 2014 at 7:20 AM #190

    You didn’t fail ME Dana. Or any of the hundreds of thousands of people who don’t have the courage to do what you did for us. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Without you, who would fight for us. Who would take on what you took on and endure what you have, and still are, for us? Screw what the government says. Of course they lie but that doesn’t matter. You didn’t sacrifice yourself for the government. You sacrificed yourself for your brothers and sisters. For us. I don’t know how to make you feel better but I know I wouldn’t be able to sit here on the internet trying to find ways to make MY sorry ass feel better, without you. Don’t only worry about letting down other people because you have a responsibility to look out for yourself as well.

  • Rob July 20th, 2014 at 3:50 PM #191

    I’ve had at least three major emotional breakdowns. And, I’ve been “inconsistently”, but more or less continually depressed for the past five years. The way I’ve felt has caused me to push away family and friends, maintain inconsistent work despite acquiring two higher educational degrees. I don’t want doctor’s attention, and I don’t want family and friends attention as a result of my depression. I miss having friends and family very much. I’ve tried several SSRI’s and SNRI’s, a consistent dose of Benzodiazapine, and now I’m trying a mood-stabilizer on top of these; I no longer drink any alcohol. I bike ride and have a phsyically active job. Some people simply can’t understand–I simply don’t want to exist like this; I’m ill to the end. For the last six months I’ve been researching suicide extensively: I’ve been researching methods, locations where suicide is legal. Also, I’ve been reading religious, and philosophical perspectives on suicides. It’s quite scary to consider killing yourself, and especially the unknown after the act is committed. I try not to share this with family and friends because it does upset them. I think maybe we, as a society, should consider offering compassionate suicide to those with pervasive — I’m talking decade–of severe mental illness that medication does not touch.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT July 20th, 2014 at 11:22 PM #192

    Rob, I agree with you that in certain cases, depression is a fatal illness, and we should offer compassionate assisted euthanasia, when everything else has failed, and decades of trying and considering the options has not brought relief from intolerable emotional pain. I would hope this would be after raising any children one has, discussing it with those who will be affected, and putting everything in order as much as possible. I think very few people fall into this category–most people want to make life work, and most of those do. Most people who think they want to die and don’t are later grateful they lived.

    But incurable, chronic intense depression in my opinion should not be excluded from the list of terminal illnesses when assisted suicide is permitted for people with terminal illnesses. Sure, depression can cloud one’s judgement, but depression that causes constant, intense pain without relief for decades shouldn’t be put in the same category as a depression that will pass with treatment or time.

    The biggest problem is that our culture is so fearful of death that we don’t seem to be able to make headway toward giving people a compassionate choice to decide for themselves when the pain is unbearable. We have the means to give our animals a quick and painless death when they are suffering, but refuse to offer it to our people.

  • Luke July 21st, 2014 at 10:18 AM #193

    Hi everyone, I’ve read all your comments and I’m so glad I have now… I’m 34 now and been battling depression for about 7 years after my memories of my childhood all came flooding back when I was 28, I used to get sexual and physical abuse from cousin who was only a kid at the time as well, I was 5 years old when this happened and carried on for 2 years after… I was never good in school as I have dyslexia and I caught my father having an affair with my eye surgeon at the age of 10 I think, and all this got to me when I was 14 and I tried killing myself with pills after I didn’t die (which I was quite glad of at the time) I then went through my whole life and wanted to live, I had such hope and dreams of my future I was looking forwards to what might come… And change my physical appearance and mind and be the best person I could be. Well anyway I managed to block all the crap from my past out and focus on what I wanted. I’ve done most of the things I wanted to do so far but yet come across this brick wall (depression) again… People do love me for who I am I’ve hiding this side of myself for many years now and told my family about what I went through it at 28 and did change my thinking for awhile but I still fill empty and shit inside. I have never felt good about myself and probably never will, looking back on old photos I was a handsome chap if not a thin one, I’ve had sex in the past and just I can’t enjoy it which makes having a girlfriend hard to have. All I’ve ever wanted is a nice normal happy life and a family with a beauiful wife, but I can’t let myself, I think I so deserve to have this, but can’t let myself. Do I call it a day? Or carry on fighting which I feel Like I have no more fight left in me. It’s a funny old game life that’s for sure. Sorry for my moaning.

    Regards Luke

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT July 21st, 2014 at 6:01 PM #194

    Luke, please look for some EMDR therapy. What you’ve experienced explains your depression and most of what you suffer from. EMDR may be able to relieve you of the past traumas and give you the chance for a life you deserve!

  • Luke July 22nd, 2014 at 1:18 PM #195

    Thank you kindly for getting back to me! I shall have a look into it. Regards Luke

  • holly July 23rd, 2014 at 6:35 PM #196

    Hi Rob,
    I have many of the same thoughts and feelings as yourself. I would be happy to email with you if you would like someone to talk to.

  • Isabela G July 24th, 2014 at 10:20 PM #197

    My boyfriend of one year has not been diagnosed with depression. But he seems to have the signs. He constantly says he is a failure. He overthinks on everything and he has moments where he is in a little hole in his mind that he can’t get out of. Even if he has good moments, he has even worse bad moments, hating himself and criticizing everything he has done. He isn’t happy and I can tell. He is battling a silent battle in his head that not many know about. He doesn’t necessarily want to kill himself but rather get away and be calm inside his head. To be Peaceful. It seems no matter what I do, I can’t seem to help. It is taking a toll on both him and I. I love him dearly but I am at a loss at what to do…

  • Luke July 25th, 2014 at 11:23 PM #198

    Hello Isabela my names Luke I wrote the post just below yours. I’ve kinda come to a lot of conclusions in this life, life is what you make it! And only you can get yourself out of this state of mind I.e your boyfriend in this case. He doesn’t want to hassle you with his problems and probably fears you leaving him because of the way he feels, he needs to find his own answers in life as I’ve done myself and I’m looking forwards to the future. I watched some pretty motivational speech on YouTube just two days ago and found it connected to the way I was feeling it may work on him so here’s the link youtube.com/watch?v=_aAA9-edO3I I really hope this helps. And to the person who replied back to me, I kinda want to beat this myself and I’m pretty sure most depressed people are in the same boat as talking about it doesn’t really solve anything in the long run. It’s all about state of mind.
    Kind regards Luke

  • brooke July 26th, 2014 at 9:29 PM #199

    Hi first thing a male talking so openly about emotion is so helpful for me. have u ever tried hypnotherapy? it has really helped me. l think u deserve lots of love and u should wake up everyday knowing u are not on the same path as everybody else so dont compare.

  • Barbara R. July 27th, 2014 at 10:45 AM #200

    I am 65 and have been struggling with depression my whole life. Since age 19, I’ve sought out regular doctors, non-traditional medicine, all kinds of therapy, everything I could think of. My life has been basically hell. I just found out that I have 3 genetic markers for depression and personality disorders, including suicidal ideation. After all these years, science is able to see the links between genetics and mental illness. How do I feel about this? It’s a bit late–my brain has been functioning as a depressed person for most of my life. I am EXHAUSTED from looking for cures. I am burned out and would welcome an end to my life, although I’m incapable of taking my own. How do I go through yet another period of hope–knowing I am biologically programmed for depression and maybe there’s some kind of relief for the problem, when I feel that my life has become totally unmanageable and I can hardly see the positive, although I have periods when life seems okay, but the baseline is always depression and suicide?

  • David S July 27th, 2014 at 6:33 PM #201

    ive been dealing with depression for most of my life. I’m 28 and recently checked myself into a mental hospital it got so bad. I’m suicidal pretty much everyday. lately… every day is a chasm or endless pit. I’m falinng and falling and falling. my parents and fiance know my ordeal ive been candid and open with them because i feared for my life. I wanted to be saved from myself. havent felt much hope in a while now. It was intensified by a crappy job in my carreer with a horrible boss who treated me like scum. I give up and i try to piece it all together everyday. im kinda at the point where ill just give in accept im destined to be depressed forever. go back to work with no intentions of succeeding get my paychecks and live a solitary life maybe build a cabin and live there nd visit people when i get momentry bouts of non depression

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT July 27th, 2014 at 10:23 PM #202

    Sometimes I think the only thing that can work for someone who has felt depressed most of their lives and tried everything to get relief is to embrace it in some way. Being someone who understands intimately the experience of depression, you are in a unique position to be support for others who feel that way. Not support in the sense that you will be able to provide relief, necessarily, but sometimes just having another human being get what you feel is better than nothing. Actually, just being with one another without judging each other, just getting it can be really important. It’s like the difference between being in prison and being in solitary confinement. Prison is still a horrible nightmare, but being alone in prison is worse. Giving support and receiving support can both be helpful in the pit of depression. This forum is a small opportunity to be with each other in this way. I’m so glad people are using it!

  • holly July 28th, 2014 at 11:22 PM #203

    Barbara,
    I completely understand what you are saying. I may be younger than you but I have been battling all my life as well and I know it runs on one side of my family. It is a living hell whether non-depressed people want to hear it or not. I agree about it being so hard to keep going when you know you will be always facing that wall. I would love to be able to talk with you. If you want to reply, I would be happy to share my email address with you. It would be good to be able to share with someone else who “gets it”.

  • Rose July 30th, 2014 at 8:42 PM #204

    Katie,

    My boyfriend has severe clinical depression as well as it is very tough. I’ve tried to be positive and supportive. I love him but I don’t make him happy and I focus a lot of effort on trying to help him. It’s scary. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m not sure that I’m in a healthy relationship but I’m not ready to let go. :-(

  • Linda July 31st, 2014 at 12:23 PM #205

    I’m sorry to read of your struggle. I’m struggling. Did not know there was any genetic tests.

  • Elle August 2nd, 2014 at 4:29 AM #206

    Hello to everyone,

    I am 39 and have suffered many bouts of severe depression since I was 21. I believe that I have Dysthymia with bouts of other depression, eg: it gets worse 2 weeks before my menstruation and other various ‘bad’ luck events in life can trigger it off very easily. Ending of numerous love relationships (the first ending of a love relationship that set me off into severe depression when I was 20 years old). Mostly it is a heavy pain inside that is below my breasts, in what an Indian yogi would call my solar plexus. Anyhow, most of my life has been a struggle to keep on top of this illness, most of my life working out any way possible to hide it from people that I knew, and researching constantly for any cure available. I have tried therapy for years, ie; over 10 years, many different anti depressants, acupuncture, yoga (but i find it hard to stick to), blood tests, magnesium tablets, homeopathy, anthony robbins, and many, many more, I just can’t think off the top of my head of all of them at the moment. My mother saved me many times in my life, as she was the only person who truly understood my illness, and I was truly lucky to be blessed with someone like her. It has been almost 2 years since she passed away with the most horrible lung cancer, and for 3 years I tried everything in my power to try to save her, as I loved her so much, but in the end she had to leave this world earlier than any of us would have imagined. I am left with the remainder of the family who never understood my illness and cannot help me as they do not know how. During my mum’s illness a very kind man entered my life and truly helped me through the most difficult part of leaving my mum and we then quickly married as he needed a visa to stay in the same country as myself. He truly was a blessing at the time, but we were not compatible in many areas, and now, after being together it is very difficult to see a positive future for us. From being an angel in my life, he has actually turned against me, cannot understand my depression and screams at me and threatens many horrible things verbally when he thinks I have done something to wrong him. this happens on average every 4-5 days, and has been going on for 11 months. It is indeed very, very difficult, and I cannot cope with my own depression, let alone what I see as extremely inappropriate bordering on abusive behaviour from him, and it is making me sicker. I apologise that my writing is all over the place, but why I initially wanted to write was that if any body on this site was privileged to have the money to travel to India or Sri lanka and attend an Ayurvedic resort/ retreat/ hospital, this truly has been the only medication that has given me some relief from depression. Unfortunately in the west, this treatment is far too expensive, but it is doable to go to India and stay and have treatment there for 3 weeks or more, or less. Along with this vigorous exercise, or opposite end of spectrum, yoga can help as well. It helps me, but I find it very hard to stick to doing it daily. I hope this information can help some others.

  • Nadia August 4th, 2014 at 9:26 PM #207

    I’m 17 yrs old, I have no idea how long I’ve had depression but I don’t know the last tone I felt truly happy n not empty, Im suicidal and self harm, I was put into a hospital 2 times in 1 yr n had therapy for 3 yrs. The problem is that I’m getting worse and worse everyday but my Mom doesn’t know, I always go to the beach with y family but I haven’t gone in the water for 3 yrs cause I always c my body lay lifeless in the water but the pool is different I go in on rare occasions but get out quickly cause I start to feel so uncomfortable. My family doesn’t know cause they all blame me for everything n hate me. I’m not social so I flat really have friends n I was bullied through out of all elementary school. I’M scared that I will never feEl again…. I’m just….. Numb

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team August 5th, 2014 at 9:03 AM #208

    Thank you for your comment, Nadia. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT August 5th, 2014 at 9:20 AM #209

    Nadia, life doesn’t have to feel so horrible. Please find someone you can trust to talk to and tell how you feel. It could be the beginning of a much better life. Is there a teacher or counselor at school, or a religious counselor, or a community mental health or graduate school near you that has a clinic? Will you be getting a job or going to college soon? There is help and a better life for you out there–you just have to find it!

  • Paul M August 8th, 2014 at 8:18 AM #210

    I don’t know what I am doing. I am 57 and most days I could care less if I live or die. I refuse to comitt suicide because I know that is something that would make others feel bad. I survive day to day…most days I can function just fine except for the concentration aspect. When I go through my bouts of deep depression it is like I have no feelings. I am looked at by those around me as being a grumpy old man. I get away with most of my episodal significant attributes because I live alone and I am pretty good at engrossing myself in work. However I really never accomplish anything. I hate being miserable. I depise those around me for having a successful seemingly healthy life and relationship. I can’t remember when in my entire life I have felt happy. Sure there are days I feel like I am on a mountain top bursting with energy and euphoria. Those days are far and few between and they are getting fewer and fewer as I get older. I am afraid to disclose my depression to anyone in fear of losing any remaining sanity that I have. My only recorse is that I know based on statistics I am 75% through with my life based on the national average men live. I retire in 27 months…maybe things will get better.

    Thanks for listening.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team August 8th, 2014 at 8:22 AM #211

    Thank you for your comment, Paul M. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • onetopher August 8th, 2014 at 8:24 AM #212

    Please seek out the help of a psychiatrist, and get a case worker or counselor. There is also the suicide hotline and they have a Chat line in the afternoon until 2 am: suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
    I went through all the medications treatments and just started ECT treatment two weeks ago. I am feeling better and have not had multiple daily weeping spells. So please don’t give up on your life. You are here for a reason and important to others.

  • Vandasha August 9th, 2014 at 5:41 PM #213

    my name is van, i am 18 years old. how to decribe my situation ? .. i really dont know ; i really dont know if this is even going to help, but its like i dont know nobody i should talk to .. i fill so out of place most of the time , FOR EXAMPLE! my family is downstairs RIGHT NOW , and everybody is calling ne to go down but i just dont. i just want to go lay in my bed. no reason just sometimes i REALLY need to be alone, and by myself.. yesturday i woke up and just burted into tears , why ? I DONT REALLY KNOW .. i was just sooo sad for NOBREASON and everybody came into my room wondering what was wrong and .. THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY when i tryed to tell them i was just sad and i dont know why. like OMG its just so hard to explain and it HURTS .. SOOOOO BAD !!! not physically , but it hurts. and the faxt that i just CANT EXPLAIN how sad , mad , or alone i fill sometimes and i look up and the room is filled with people i love and adore SO MUCH and i just fill so down and out of place. for all i know i could wake up tomorrow and fill like the happiest person alive and for that split second im quiet acting as if im into the conversation .. all blacked out to how down i fill, how hurt , angry, down, and sad o fill ! & i look up and im laughing because im back again .. back in the living room table with my family.. i just hope this explains it , i just DONT KNOW HOW .. how else to let anybody know how i fill and i dont even know why i fill this way ..

  • Sally August 10th, 2014 at 2:10 PM #214

    I think I am depressed. I just went back to highschool Thursday and this weekend I can’t stop crying and I’ve been lying in bed all weekend. I hate school so much I’ve never hated going back to school so much. I also have been thinking about growing up and leaving home a lot. I love my parents and home so so much and I never want to leave. Is this normal? I don’t know what to do each year marks a new beginning of me growing up and I am just so so sad. Help

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT August 10th, 2014 at 8:52 PM #215

    Suffering so much is a sign that something needs attention. Can you talk to a counselor at school, or ask your parents if you can see a therapist for awhile, while you work this out?

  • Nat August 11th, 2014 at 12:06 PM #216

    Hi, my name is Nat. I’ve had depression since I was 15 and I’m now 23. I’ve never been able to talk about my issues, because the bullies who did what they did to me convinced everyone I was in the wrong. I was gang raped at 15, and my friends left me because I was a “whore” I was 15 and those same friends had been slipping vodka into my drinks so I could have a “good time”. I feel it’s too late to talk about it, and even if I did it wouldn’t matter. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been physically and emotionally abused by most of my family for what seems forever. I’m in my first long term relationship and I feel that everything starts to crumble when ever I get a little upset, like it’s not okay to be upset; so I don’t get upset infront of him and it hurts even more. I fear I will never be happy because I can’t talk to anyone about what has happened. I don’t cry every day, I just do nothing… Because I can’t do anything right. I’m often to anxiety ridden to leave the house, and I get called lazy. I am on social support and I’ve been told to avoid work for a few years, but my boyfriend won’t stop pressuring me into work, because he thinks I’m lazy. I would never kill myself, because I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I do welcome it. I’ve never felt like a normal human being, I don’t have any friends because I found it hard to trust people after what happened to me years ago. I’ve never deliberately been horrible to people, but I get picked on all the time. I just feel like my existence is useless, and that whatever I want to do my past will come up and ruin my life. All in all because of what happened, I feel I won’t have a normal life like everyone else and I lost so much time being depressed that I’m sure I’ll be depressed for the rest of my life.

  • KP August 11th, 2014 at 8:14 PM #217

    Hi Cam,
    I am in my mid 40s. I’ve had problems w/ depression since I was 11. I just wanted to share w/ you. The main problem I’ve had recently is I’m afraid that I may hurt ( kill ) myself. However, I know I don’t want to die. The scary thoughts pop into my head, w/ no rhyme or reason. They’re compulsive. I feel they come up from anger that I’ve surpressed. I get freaked out when I hear someone has killed themselves. I think, why did they do that? I don’t want to do that. Dead is dead, Gone.
    We need to find a way past these scary thoughts. We only have one chance at life. We need to find even the littlest thing in life that we enjoy to motivate us to be strong. Find help. Talk to someone close to you. You’re not alone. We must Live. ( I know that sounds corny, but true )
    KP

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team August 12th, 2014 at 11:06 AM #218

    Thank you for your comment, KP. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Thalia g August 13th, 2014 at 1:20 PM #219

    I never thought I would be back on here after I got my boyfriend because I figured he would be the one I could open up to and talk to and he’ll understand me like he should but he doesn’t, he doesn’t even listen to me or hear me out. Everything I say never comes out Right I have so much built up in me I just want someone to give me the time of day to hear me and not think I’m stupid or crazy, I’m so emotionally broken. I wish he can understand me and agree with me, he never takes what I say serious it’s always me talking stupid. He wants only things his way so it’s like his living in his own state of mind and I’m living alone in mine but yet we live together.. I just want him to be there for me and be my boyfriend and best friend as well I have no one else, I feel like he never wants to be apart of my family but I’ve been living with his for almost a year. His family doesn’t even like me I can feel it, they talk bad about me and think the worst. I feel so unwanted and uncomfortable here and the worst thing is he never speaks up for me and defend me , he lets them and I still have to respect them and everything around the house when they don’t do the same for me but I still have too.they make me feel mmore useless and like s**t. They don’t care about me or even try to have a good relationship with me but my boyfriend has a good relationship with mine, mine wouldnt be so picky and bitchy all the time we would have more space and freedom and actually not have to worry about being talked down on constantly, my family needs help, they are struggling my sister lost her husband in a accident and is now paralyzed and may not be able to walk again but it’s all up to her and when she’s ready and I have belief and faith she will be back on her feet, my mom is divorced and it’s me and 2 sisters and brother and she has raised us all by herself giving up her time to make sure we have food and a roof over our head, she would work all day everyday non stop and when I would ask her when is her day off she would respond ” I don’t have one I need to work to make money” my father never really helped but he’s been there from time to time and he lives in Texas and we live in California , when we came here we took off without him knowing I remember waking up and my mom said to hurry and get in the car and get as much things as I can, we came here for a better life and a new beginning but that hasnt started yet we have been here for more than 5 years and it’s all seem to be he’ll, we’ve been taken away one by the court and separated and my sister got her kids taken away as well and her and my mom got put in custody as well. It wasn’t fair for my mom, she did absolutely nothing she was working and when she came home she noticed the kids and everyonewasgone and went to the police station and they immediately handcuffed her without letting her speak. She didn’t deserve that she already been thru so much. She even developed breast cancer and that made her break down she kept it as a secret from us for as long as she could , when I found out I couldn’t even belIeve it it was just like ” now this” I couldn’t stand the thought of her even thinking and saying she is scared to die of it and thought it was time for us to know before it was too late , I don’t understand why all this is happening, It Kills me when I think about everything me and my family been thru. I wish my father could be here I miss him so much I would do anything just to hug him right now, I love him so much I don’t hate him for what he did he is and always will be my dad. Ive been thinking of going with him to Texas for a while but the thought of me leaving and leaving my family is what holds me back but my dad told me it would mean the world too him if I went with him or would be everything to him, he apologized for what he did and I forgive him it just hard to be at two places at once. I wish we were all back together… Ive opened up with all of this to my boyfriend he is the only and first person I opened up to and he didn’t even say much back it’s like he didn’t even listen to me I feel like I wasted my time even talking about my life and everything to him.. his family has it easy they have a nice home nice things in the house his dad has a good job nice cars and he is lucky his mom and dad are still together and a family, they don’t have worries they can afford things and able to do fun things he should be thankful for that. his family doesn’t even care if we are here or not they don’t even need us as much as much my mom does. and my mom is doing it alone still and she needs all the help she can get so I don’t see why he doesn’t want to move there, I miss my family. He just doesn’t see that he still wants to be here because he says it will be better here… i just thought he would understand and i was just wrong….

  • David August 13th, 2014 at 11:14 PM #220

    I’ve been suffering from depression the age of 16. I didn’t know what it was till maybe 10 years later and now it’s going on 35 years and if you want to hear my story It won’t be very long.I’m all alone myself because i also don’t want to hurt anyone.

  • David August 13th, 2014 at 11:28 PM #221

    look up the word depression which is similar to the way you feel and copy it or edit it so that it is what you feel you are feeling and get everybody together and read it out loud to everybody and prove to them that this is clinical and I want to be happy but I can’t please I know that nobody will understand so don’t say you do.the only thing they should understand is that you need help. I’m sure with a little practice you could say it better than I can,I’m actually losing my language because I don’t speak to too many people anymore.

    Stuff like that because if I had family that cared about me I would do the same thing I’ve tried talking to them but they just don’t care I email i texts and I tell them its too late anyways because I’m already 56 years old and if I thought you guys really cared I would ask for help but I know it will hurt me more knowing that nobody will help me. I’m sorry I got a little out of hand there don’t tell your family what I just told you that last paragraph just stick with the first part I told you that I discussed at the beginning.

  • David August 16th, 2014 at 4:28 AM #222

    Nadia, I am 56 year old living with depression for 35. If you want to hear what I have to say it might help please don’t give up till you hear me out just let me know. I’ll be checking in. please hear me out I haven’t given up even though I am suicidal.

  • Jen August 17th, 2014 at 12:25 AM #223

    I’d like to hear your story

  • Kat August 17th, 2014 at 8:11 PM #224

    Hi Paul,im 58 and i feel the same way you do,my husband ignores me,like i dont exist and im always down,im struggleing with trying to figure out what to do.all i do is cry

  • charlotte August 26th, 2014 at 4:33 AM #225

    I am 36 married (for the 2nd time) and have 4 children (1 with current husband)

    When I met my husband (40 this year) 7 years ago he opened up to me about his ex wife taking his children 400 miles away and him not knowing where they are.. He was very open with me, we talked, we cried, I offered to help find them and we looked at pictures he had.
    For many years after he only mention them on the odd occasion somtimes just “oh I remember my son doing that” or “my daughter had one of those” I never dismissed it and allowed him to reflect.
    Since then he had a rough time at work, his boss (a vial small little man) made his life a misery. He made my husbands job dissolve and caused us to fight in court for unfair dismissal. My husband struggled because at that time his then boss would goad him saying “oi you will do what I say!” And make him clean toilets when his actual job was a far higher position. My husband would find it difficult as outside work he would of knocked him out (yes I know that’s not great!) And his boss knew that!!
    My husband ended up getting his money but then started to change, he began to hate socialising, even taking his little girl to bed (we have together)would be a chore.
    He was diagnosed with depression and given tablets and although eventually he said he felt better I didn’t ever see a change.
    Now he’s become horrendous! !
    He’s always struggled with my elder 3 (ages now 12,14,16) he hates that I still am friends with their father and HATE that my kids don’t want to call him dad, they never say “your not my dad” but he really wanted them to treat him like they do their actual father.
    They actually don’t really like him that much at all now.

    He has done some very strange things… He took the keys off me so I couldn’t take my son to school, making him late… He hates that I want to sit down stairs late in the evening watching a film if he goes up, with 4 kids and a depressed husband I enjoy chilling ALONE in the evening as it’s the only time I get.. He will text my phone, call me, even come down and unplug the sky and sit on sofa until I give in and go up. He’s also sat with his back against the door to the lounge to stop me going in!!!!
    These are just a few things I can remember.

    For months I haven’t felt like I want to have sex or anything at all intimate with him as he is so spiteful to me. He snaps at me all the time and in the next brethren says “I know your going to leave me as iv been here before, i’ll end up with nothing again! ” the trouble is i don’t know how I feel anymore… when we got together he was everything to me, he was so loving, great with my kids and kind… now I’m on edge all the time.
    He now runs a very successful buisness and somtimes he goes away for a few days with work and I actually LOVE IT!
    I feel like I can do what ever I want, I have gained weight in the last 2 years and am having far too many glasses of wine.

    He moans at me because I won’t have sex, but I don’t fancy him when he’s like that, I don’t feel any attraction to somone that can be so nasty, even though I kmow he may not mean it…at the time it’s very hard to switch off.
    Iv tried to explain that to him but he seems to think that if I just give in to his needs he will feel better, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME??
    He hates me going out with my friends “woman are all out to cheat! ” is his saying…. so I don’t go out anymore.
    I really am struggling.
    Is their any groups I can go to for help for my sanity. … I don’t want to give up on him as I remember that man I met and know he’s still inside their somwhere.
    😢

  • Ryan August 26th, 2014 at 6:09 AM #226

    My name is Ryan and I’m in a very dark and lonely place in life and am very very close to completely unraveling!!! I have been depressed since the age of 5 and i’m 42 now. My dad was a big time drug dealer in Miami, then became an addict. He used to beat my mother and I on a regular bases. The beatings were no where near as bad as the verbal abuse that rings out in my head constantly. Growing up in that life style I ended up going to 14 different schools in all, 6 different High schools. Everyone of us knows the mental turmoil that comes with dealing with your classmates. The only person I had in my in the years from 4-15 was my cousin who was 6yrs older than me. When I was 7-9 he molested me numerous times, and at that time in my life it was the only attention and love I got from anyone. When I turned 15 I stayed with my grandmother from time to time when my dad didn’t want me. I promised my self I would graduate high school and my senior year I moved back down south and graduated on my own. After graduation I hit the road and burried every thing deep inside. Every year the pain got a little worse the feeling of loneliness grew stronger and stronger with every breath. I always would run and start somewhere else when things got to close to uncovering all those things I have hidden inside for so long. I got married in 05 and my wife is the only reason I am here writing these words. Now I can’t stop the depression, it’s out of my control. I am very thankful I found the strength to get help. I hated my father and mother for never being there emotionally there for me as a child and it has destroyed my soul. In 2011 I drove across country with a friend from Orlando to San Diego. On my way to the airport to fly home, I received a call that my father had hanged himself. He suffered from bipolar,depression, and Parkinsons. So I guess it’s in my blood and there is no running away from this darkest stage in my life. I keep finding myself getting jealous when I hear that someone has passed away, cause I pray that it was me. Thank you allowing me to let this out it’s a start I hope!!!!

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team August 27th, 2014 at 10:31 AM #227

    Thank you for your comment, Ryan. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Diane August 27th, 2014 at 5:50 PM #228

    Charlotte,
    Let me know if you get any help. I feel like we are in the exact same position. Trapped and not knowing what to do.

  • Laurie August 28th, 2014 at 2:32 PM #229

    Dear Ryan, it’s no wonder you’ve had depression. First, don’t blame yourself. There are evil people in the world. I turn to God because He can heal your wounds! Many people turn away from God, because they blame Him for their pain, when it’s actually satan that caused it. There are so many ways now to get help and feel better !! Promise! Start with seeing a good neurologist. It could be biological. Anger turned inward =depression! I’m a nurse, dealt with depression for 28 years. They have deep brain stimulation for unrelenting depression. They have TMS, vagus nerve stimulation etc. no more having to live n the dark! I’m sure you’ve (like me) have been on all the meds. Counseling would help you to get past what happened to you and possibly relieve the depression when you’re finally at peace. My family is difficult, but nothing like you described. I hope I can help you. I want too. hugs.

  • Keith Cuadros August 30th, 2014 at 10:27 PM #230

    As I read some of the other comments I am nearly breaking into tears and it is a great feeling because I am no longer able to cry to get out the pent up pain that I’ve been carrying over the last 3 or 4 years. I am 21 years old and have been hospitalized 3 times over the summer due to depression and suicidal thoughts yet I am unable to pinpoint exactly why I feel so down all of the time. I have a loving family that still cares about me supports me yet I go to bet every night praying that I won’t wake up the next morning. I grew up as a pretty popular, athletic kid and was only bullied on a rare occasion due to my race but that never really bothered me too much. Now as I am delving further and further into adulthood I am becoming more and more withdrawn from my old friends and I instead choose to spend days at a time in bed feeling like I am both paralyzed and have absolutely no desire to interact with anyone. I know suicide is wrong but I truly feel as if I lack the will power to help myself and death will be the only answer that will rid me of the suffering I constantly feel. I have sought professional help and was participating in an outpatient tangent program earlier this month but any useful information and coping skills I picked up I have been unable to use in my own life. I feel as if I am lazy and lack the desire to help make myself better but I just feel as if anything I do well be worthless

  • charlotte August 31st, 2014 at 2:15 AM #231

    I’m desperate for help… He got up for work this morning, (yes sunday) and was arguing saying how he says it’s my fault because I won’t touch him, cuddle him, kiss him…. etc but I try to explain that I feel abused and a victim naturally wouldn’t want to do these things to the person attacking them.
    It all started because I said I needed to get school shoes for the children.! He just went off on one….
    I’m on edge the whole time..
    He said “you make my life a misery!” He says this allot!
    I couldn’t help but cry, and he never consoled me or reacted to my tears just wrote a note saying things he likes that I do and things he don’t! …
    Things he likes….

    I make his tea..
    I do his invoices. …

    I feel heartbroken, I look after a 4 bed house and 4 kids!!!
    I do so much more than that!

    When I tried to explain to him how I felt, he talked over me and totally disregarded me.

    I’m at a loss, I feel like leaving him!

    My ex husband who I was with in total for 15 years cheated on me endlessly, but even he wasn’t as bad as this!
    He cheated yes, but obviously I didn’t realise that at the time and was always loving, I suppose to cover his tracks!!
    Nevertheless iv never felt so bullied in my life.:(

  • JJ September 1st, 2014 at 9:45 AM #232

    I have suffered severe major depression for 35 years.
    Nothing, and I mean nothing, has helped. My whole life, work, relationships, family have been impacted.

    Is there any way to contact other on here in the same boat?

    JJ

  • Jenny September 1st, 2014 at 5:08 PM #233

    I am sorry for how you feel. I am in the same boat. I don’t know what to do to get away from my own self and some days I don’t even want to et out of bed.

  • holly September 1st, 2014 at 7:09 PM #234

    JJ – I am in the same boat. Would like to talk to you. Let me know.

  • Milo September 2nd, 2014 at 11:27 AM #235

    Well JJ,

    I was just released from the nut house for the second time in my life and I am trying to convince myself not to kill myself. I am severely depressed and bipolar but I’m not sure about bipolar because the dr’s say “mania”. When’s that happen? I’m just strictly depressed. Not a care in the world. Already signed over my rights for two children and the pen is in my hand for the other two. Now that I kicked everyone out of my life, I feel paranoid, like I should be doing something. I cannot concentrate on my business so that’s not doing so well. I already notified my older kids and told them I love them because I feel the end is near for me. I’m not going to live another 30 years with depression, no f**kn way. I stopped drinking and partying almost 5 years ago and I am 100% sober, no cigs, weed, nothing. Some people say “GREAT”, “THAT’S GOOD”. I say “oh really, good for who”? All my friends party but they’re really not my friends. I take so much lithium I glow and I take an anti-depressant. All garbage. Atleast for me, I’m not Catherine Zeta-Jones. So the moral to this story is it basically dwindles down to this, you either want to live with the depression and cope with it (that was real easy to say) or go the route I choose and that’s not to suffer anymore. You can throw me in jail or the nut house and that just pisses me off even more, send me to counseling which I don’t want to hear about someone else’s problems and counselors never give me a response. That just look at me like I’m nuts and they’re right, I’m a nut job just like the rest of you. So good luck with whatever you choose and like they say to me, don’t worry about what anyone else thinks, worry about YOU.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support September 2nd, 2014 at 12:49 PM #236

    Thank you for your comment, Milo. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

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