Decision Making in Relationships: Three Important Values to Help you Know When to Give in or Dig in

October 2nd, 2009
By Pamela Lipe, MS, LP, Relationships & Marriage Topic Expert Contributor

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Jonathan and Michelle came to my consulting office looking for someone to help them make a decision about the upcoming holidays—especially Thanksgiving with parents. Jonathan said Thanksgiving was his mother’s favorite holiday. After dinner, she would drive the men out of “her” kitchen. They would watch the game and she would clean up. When Jonathan and Michelle were married two years ago, Michelle was brought into the family fold and treated by his parents as one of the children. Michelle loved Jonathan’s parents but was taken aback when his mother expected her to participate in the preparation and clean up while “the boys” watched football. Michelle wanted to relax and watch the game too. Michelle decided to go along with Jonathan’s family tradition in the first two years but began to feel resentful towards Jonathan and his family.

In sessions, I encouraged them to consider three components of decision making in relationships. Being mindful of these elements can help you know when to give in and when to persevere.

The three aspects of a relationship that good decision makers keep in mind are:

1. The value of the relationship (in this case in-laws and the marriage)
2. The importance of the issue at hand (or content)(in this case, how to clean up dishes and watch the football game),
3. Your own personal integrity (in this case, Michelle’s feeling of resentment)

Good decision makers weigh out these three values when they are having difficulty making a decision to give in or dig in. For example, if the relationship is the most important element, you might consider compromising or even giving in. On the other hand, if the issue at hand is the most important, then you stick with your side of the argument and present the importance of the issue. You may decide to compromise somewhat if the other person presents reasonable data. The third aspect, integrity, involves deciding how much of your honor is at stake. If going along with the other person means you have crossed your own line for honesty and you think your personal reputation is at stake, and then you are less likely to compromise or give in.

So what should Michelle do? Her relationship with her husband is important as is her relationship with her mother-in-law. However, she really wants to relax and not do any work on Thanksgiving. Thirdly, she has no investment in winning this argument and does not see this situation as having to do anything with her honor. So, it came down to relationships versus rest for her. Michelle decided to press for compromise—both from her husband and her mother-in-law. She said she would like him to help the two women for part of the cooking or clean up so she could finish up in time for the game.

When Michelle was able to focus on the things that were most important to her, she was in a more open attitude for compromising and asserting her own needs as being valid.

Jonathan said he didn’t care so much about the issue and did not feel that his integrity was on the line. He did care about his relationships with Michelle and his mother. Just like Michelle, he could more clearly decide where to put his energies after examining the three aspects of decision making in relationships: relationship, issue (content), or integrity.

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