When Is It OK to End a One-Sided Friendship?

A friend of mine recently pared down her "friends" list on Facebook. She said she was cutting out people she hasn't physically seen or talked to or chatted with in at least a year, family excluded. I survived the cut, but it got me thinking about supposed friendships in my life (real life, that is) that are not serving me. For example, there is a woman I used to work with who I've been there for on several occasions (picking up her kids, listening to her vent about her marriage, etc.), but who is never there or available for me when I need someone. Every time I have called on her for help, or even just an ear, she has had some reason for not being there. She will call me about something she's stressed about, and as soon as I start talking about something I'm dealing with, she has to go. It's always about her and her needs. I have always been a caretaker and enjoy helping people, but in a few isolated cases I sometimes feel taken advantage of. I guess my question is whether it's appropriate to "end" a friendship that feels one-sided, and if so, how to go about doing that. I think I would feel guilty and selfish. —Friend for Now
Dear Friend for Now,

You know what they say: “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” I guess in this case, your part is the friend part and she’s the “in need” part. You say she calls on you when she needs help, but she’s never around when you could use a hand. It is wonderful to be able to help people, and some folks seem to be natural-born caregivers, but if you’re feeling taken advantage of, perhaps you should say so, directly, to your friend. Initiate a conversation about the meaning of friendship and helping hands, and see what she has to say. Then you could reply, if you like, and share your feelings. This could be a way to resolve an issue that has been festering for you. It might lead to a deepening of the relationship and real understanding of each other.

On the other hand, if a dialogue doesn’t develop and you don’t believe your feelings are heard and respected, say that, too. Tell her, if you think it’s appropriate, that unless your relationship becomes more balanced, you are thinking about terminating it. It seems apparent to me that you are not getting what you need from the friendship.

Friendship implies balance between two people; it may seesaw sometimes if one person is in a stickier patch than the other, but both partners have to know that they can—must, even—both give and receive.

You write that just thinking about ending the relationship, one-sided though it seems to be, makes you feel guilty and selfish. That’s an important piece of information. What does that mean about how you think about yourself? Must you always be the caretaker? Do you always have to be ready to help your friend out? Do you feel guilty when you discover that you, too, have needs that should be recognized and met? Why would that be? Do your needs feel less important? Do you feel less important or deserving of consideration and understanding? A good relationship means being able to both give and take, a relationship between equal partners.

Friendship implies balance between two people; it may seesaw sometimes if one person is in a stickier patch than the other, but both partners have to know that they can—must, even—both give and receive. Things can’t always go one way. It’s really important for people to know when they’ve had enough and to take care of themselves. After all, if you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anybody else, either. Before takeoff, the flight attendant advises you, should an emergency arise, to always put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others in need. There’s a reason for that.

Thank you for writing about this important question. Many good-hearted people find themselves with problems like yours, and I hope you arrive at the positive resolution you deserve.

Take care,
Lynn