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My husband and I have been separated for over a year, due to (in my opinion) our lack of connection and emotional intimacy. He now says he is willing and able to learn to connect emotionally and desperately wants to make things work. I love him and the life that we shared very much. During this separation, I have had two sexual relationships with women which were very emotionally and physically satisfying. I am struggling now to decide whether to work on my marriage or accept that I am now going in a completely different direction. This indecision is making me crazy.
It sounds to me like you have distilled your decision down to two clear options, but you are not quite ready to dive headlong into either one of them. You probably, deep down, have a leaning one way or the other, but taking the plunge must be a very frightening prospect at the moment. Is there a need to rush this decision? It is quite a weighty one.
It might be helpful to know that you can either work hard at trying to figure out the best next step, or you can relax and let Life take care of it. Sure, if you don’t actively choose, you may have to deal with the effects someone else’s decision has on your heart and mind. But sometimes letting go of control and allowing Life to lead the way can take us places we may not have chosen for ourselves, but which turn out to be exactly what we need.
I’m hearing that the biggest difficulty for you at the moment is frustration with your own indecision. You can change this situation from a struggle to a growth opportunity by embracing your lack of clarity rather than fighting with it. It is perfectly ok that you are not quite sure what to do next. Whatever comes next in your life will require good stores of energy and vitality to aid you in starting anew. What a gift that you have foreknowledge that a major life change is on the way! So often we are blindsided by Life without time to prepare and shore up our resources.
Perhaps you can ease the pressure you are putting on yourself and let go of trying to force a decision. The “right” answers will come from within you when you give your heart and mind some time to process it all at a calm pace. From gentle self-inquiry and contemplation, a phenomenon I call “the third option” often arises. So often we boil our choices down to two possibilities, a representation of black and white thinking, a struggle between opposites. Life is actually much more complex, gray-hued, and mysterious. When we take a step back and let life’s less-obvious forces play a role in our decision-making, we may find that another possibility enters the picture, one we hadn’t previously considered.
It may be that you are feeling indecisive because neither of the options you have identified is exactly right. Your thinking may be too pressured at the moment for you to come up with a next step that feels just right to you.When we release our stress and open our minds to the possibility that a situation might have an unexpected resolution, we make room for magical things to happen. Granted, there may not be flying elephants or fairy godmothers, but relief from your distress may come when you least expect it, from the most unlikely source. And, believe it or not, this happens frequently, as I have witnessed over and over again. But it requires patience and the knowledge that most decisions can be made more slowly than we are often encouraged to believe. Slow and steady wins the race.