My Therapist Cries

Dear GoodTherapy.org,
My therapist is a lovely woman except she has on numerous occasions started to cry during my sessions (not sobbing, but tears). She is very professional in every other sense, although this to me is inappropriate and very unprofessional, obviously leaving me feeling very uncomfortable! I would be interested to know if this has happened to anyone else? I have stopped my therapy with her, it got to be too much. - Tears for Fears

Dear Tears for Fears:,

I appreciate your comment about therapists who cry, and I understand that it makes you uncomfortable. From the outside, I can’t know the exact cause of your therapist’s tears, but there are several possibilities.

Had your therapist been sobbing uncontrollably, the issues you shared may well have triggered something personal within her—a sign that she could benefit from doing her own therapy and is probably not fit to help you. Most experienced therapists who have done their own therapy have become comfortable with painful places most would rather avoid and, as a result, are well equipped to embody a state of compassion and to not feel overwhelmed or triggered by their clients’ issues. These therapists are particularly adept at guiding people through the therapeutic process. But therapists who haven’t addressed certain personal wounds or issues in their own therapy, are usually limited in helping clients with similar wounds or issues.

That said, tears are more often a sign of empathy—a normal, healthy and sincere human process of relating emotionally to the experience of another. Receiving empathy can help us feel safe and understood, strengthening the bond of trust between therapist and client. Sometimes one of the explicit goals of therapy is for clients to become comfortable with vulnerable feelings. And often, a therapist transparently displaying empathy for a client helps that client foster self-compassion. I say ‘often’ because for some, and perhaps for you, the experience instead feels uncomfortable. So, therapists cry when a client’s experiences reflect their own

One thing is clear: your therapist’s emotions make you feel uncomfortable. So before stopping therapy, perhaps you can take this opportunity to explore why you feel this way. Are you uncomfortable with vulnerability? Is it difficult for you to receive empathy? Do you expect therapists to be superhuman and detached? Could this be an excuse to avoid therapy because it’s difficult to explore your wounds?

I highly encourage you to talk with your therapist about how her crying made you uncomfortable. Finding a therapist who is less triggering may feel easier, but it could be less productive if it
avoids a deeper issue. Of course, if your therapist starts crying when you tell her this, then yeah, don’t feel bad about finding another.

Comments

Evander H July 2nd, 2012 at 6:17 PM #1

I had a therapist one time that had a similar issue. It really worked out to be an empathy issue. He and yes I said he was breaking down on my issues with my father. He had conquered similar problems earlier in life and was very very empathetic with my situation. We conquered this much as any couple would conquer the issue by talking about it and working through the problems. I would say talk to your therapist about the issue when your not in the situation.
Jill S November 5th, 2012 at 5:59 PM #2

I wonder if what a therapist did to me was right. I had been seeing her for over 3 years. She was told by me that I had DID. She allowed email contact sometimes multiple times a day, she called me without me calling her first, and made special exceptions to therapy. She said this was all due to the fact that she thought this is what I needed. I confessed recently that I don’t have DID and that my problems were borderline personality. She cried and said, “that really hurt”.
I want to add that I believe that my progress has had a down slide after all I have been through with this t. Can anyone tell me if her crying was appropriate or any of the other things I mentioned was?
Anonymous December 25th, 2012 at 4:41 AM #3

If a therapist can’t remain professional, then find a different therapist. The moment they cross that line they cease being a therapist and become a sympathizer, which isn’t what you’re paying for and won’t help you at all.