My Husband Cheated! So Why Is Our Sex Life Hotter Than Ever?
Dear Arousing Doubts,
Thank you for your letter. Let me start by saying this pattern is more common than many people realize. There are varying opinions on why feelings and reactions evolve this way, but there are a couple of things that may be playing into it. First, the revelation of an affair is indication that your marriage is on shaky ground, and your increased desire for sex may be one way of “staking your claim,” consciously or unconsciously, and regaining the ground you feel you have lost. You may—again, not necessarily consciously—desire increased intimacy with your husband because you are afraid to lose him.
Second, there are many people who, for various reasons, associate love with extreme emotions. When those individuals get into relationships that are relatively “easy” and “normal,” they can and sometimes do lose passion for their partners. When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined—again, possibly unconsciously—to equate intensity with love. While maintaining passion is important for a relationship, it is also not reasonable to maintain high levels of intensity long-term. In the course of everyday life, over time, intensity may diminish and passion may wane. Part of the challenge every couple faces is how to have a strong, passionate union when life’s many demands creep in.
When something happens to heighten emotions, it can serve as a spark of sorts and passion can, as a result, be reignited. Based on what you described about the trajectory of your relationship, it sounds like you might be inclined—possibly unconsciously—to equate intensity with love.
During this confusing time, despite the intense feelings you’re having, you are asking yourself some valid and serious questions that deserve to be carefully examined before you make any rash decisions. While it is well within the realm of “ordinary” to have your passion reignited in a situation like yours, it is worth deeper examination to understand why you responded this way and if you want to continue this pattern. The other questions you are asking are also important to sit with; the trust in your relationship was breached, and that takes significant time and effort to repair. Are you both willing and able to do that? If you do choose to stay together and work things out, how will you deal with the dynamics at play and work to maintain passion without crisis? Another question that bears examination is if your relationship style is best suited for monogamy; it sounds like you both once enjoyed a more open or “swinging” style that inspired passionate feelings reminiscent of what you’re feeling now.
Your husband made his choices and surely had his reasons, and exploring his experience of this as well as yours in a safe, nonjudgmental, therapeutic space likely would serve him, you, your relationship, and ultimately your family. Your situation is complex, but there are many therapists who specialize in sexuality and relationship concerns. I strongly suggest you seek out a skilled therapist who can assist you in navigating your path, whatever you decide. Best wishes along the way.
Sincerely,
Lisa
Lisa Vallejos
- 8 comments
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Leila
April 17th, 2015 at 9:22 AMI agree. Sex is just one of those ways that you can immediately connect with someone, and maybe by having more sex you are trying to show him what he would be missing if he were to leave you for someone else.
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michael
April 17th, 2015 at 1:41 PMI agree partly with the answer. However, there is also the small matter of the fact that they were both into an alternate lifestyle when they met and that it seemed to have been set aside over time. His unfaithfulness could have triggered sexual desire by way of her actually being turned on by his being with another woman. Voyeurism and sharing are often a part of the lifestyle and they would not be if they were not erotic. Further, the lifestyle has clear rules. One can be unfaithful while also being a swinger. His breach of trust is one thing; his sexual exploit is another. I think they both need to reflect on their sexual and personal needs within the context of their value system and lifestyle.
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AARON
April 18th, 2015 at 7:52 AMyou knew what he was into when you married him
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deb
April 20th, 2015 at 11:26 AMIt’s probably multi faceted I would suspect.
I think that this is partly because you want to try to keep him with your womanly gifts and then there is another part of you that really wants to throw ut in his face what he would be missing out on.
At least that’s probably what I would do anyway. -
Stefan
April 22nd, 2015 at 3:35 PMIs it that your sexual desires have been awakened or you have such a fear of losing him that now you will try anything that make him stay?
I hope that it is the first, and that these new feelings that you are having can help save your relationship with each other.
But I would make sure that he has the same feelings toward you. -
brooke
May 7th, 2015 at 10:54 AMLook, no matter what happened he is the one who made the bad choice and he is the one who needs to do the work to get the relationship back to normal. You shouldn’t feel like you have to be some hot sex goddess for him to love you again because he should love you for who you are and not some made up version of yourself that you only feel like you have to be.
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Azi
February 25th, 2016 at 2:05 PMYou both cheated on other people to be with each other in the first instance, so you are both adulterers. He commits adultery again and you are surprised? Im not.
Sex wont make him stay with you, neither of you respect it. You dont respect other peoples relationships, so why expect him to respect yours?! -
Ken
October 11th, 2022 at 5:56 AMInvite the girl he cheated with into your marriage bed, and while you are at it have some outside sex yourself (with your husband’s full approval and knowledge, of course. And he has no right to disapprove.) My wife and I treat outside sex as a hobby, like bowling but 10x as fun. We watch each other with others, and have 3,4, once even 5, thoroughly vetted people in bed with us, with no emotional attachments. It’s all good.
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