I Hate My Parents—and I Hate Myself Because of It
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I’ll just say it: I hate my parents with every fiber of my being. I’m pretty sure they hate me, too. My dad beat me almost every day when I was little, and never had anything nice to say when I was growing up. He was always on drugs, burned me with his cigarettes, told me I was garbage. Which is exactly what I felt like. My mom stood by and let it happen. He hit her too. I watched it happen. She took it out on me. She wouldn’t even let me eat some nights. I wish I had reported them, but I never did. I was too afraid of what would happen to me.
I am 27 now, and until last week I had not talked to either of my parents in years. Then, out of the blue, my mom calls me. I hung up right away. She’s called me twice since, leaving messages saying she hopes I’m happy. She said she thinks I should forgive them and doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her. I’m like, “Really?”
I don’t know why she’s suddenly interested in my life, but I don’t care. I’m not one of those people who thinks just because you accidentally got pregnant and had a kid, your kid owes you something. I had terrible parents. I had the worst childhood you can imagine. I don’t want to be my parents’ son anymore. I don’t want anything to do with them. I don’t see that ever changing, either.
I know hate is an ugly word. Article after article says it’s “unhealthy” to hate and that it’s “healthy” to forgive. But I hate my parents. I can’t forgive them. And what’s worse is I hate that I hate my parents, which makes me hate myself. I don’t know what to do with that except what I’ve always done: nothing. —No Love Lost
Dear NLL,
I’m sorry to hear about what sounds like an awful childhood. In some ways, the blaming and emotional abuse you experienced may be even more impactful than the physical abuse; scars that remain invisible often take the longest to acknowledge and heal.
You mention reading about how it’s “healthy” forgive one’s parents, let go of the past, etc. Whenever I’ve talked with people about some of their overwhelmingly toxic parents (yours appear to fit in that category, I’m afraid), I’ve had cause to doubt this maxim profoundly. In some cases, we may be unable to forgive until there has been some parental or caregiver recognition of the abuse and suffering inflicted upon us. Furthermore, an ongoing lack of recognition of abuse or neglect indicates the toxicity persists. Setting a boundary, as you have, is reasonable and may in fact be the safest way forward.
Whatever your mother’s reasons for wanting to connect with you, she cannot reasonably expect to set the terms of any relationship with you. The terms are yours to define, and she needs to respect them, even if it means no contact.
Emotional experience is subtle and complex. It’s possible—through therapy and other avenues— to simultaneously heal wounds of the past and set boundaries with toxic others. It is vital to acknowledge your emotional authenticity and experience, however painful or awkward. Otherwise, your psychological agency is in danger of becoming fractured, dissociated, or radically undermined.
This brings to mind a person I worked with many years ago whose mother actively intervened (starting in elementary school) to ruin her son’s friendships with others because she felt no one was “good” or “pure” enough. The way she “protected” him was to gossip behind his back to teachers and his friends’ parents about what a untrustworthy and generally nasty kid he was, going so far as to whisper in the ear of the local pastor to keep an eye on her “wayward” son. This awful behavior had the desired effect: the friends he wanted were told by their parents to stay away from him, and he grew up with insecurity issues that led to drug addiction.
When he grew older and entered therapy, the son fiercely resented his mother’s behavior (while struggling with guilt over “hating” her) and refused to comply with her demands that he write and call her regularly. He came to recognize her chief aim was to isolate him—a classic abuse technique—so he might become a surrogate “friend” and stop trying to have his own life. Her alcohol-addicted husband worked long hours, and when home he remained locked in his den watching television, sipping booze. Unable to address her husband, she directed her rage at her son and essentially held him hostage with her manipulations and subterfuge.
A couple of years ago, I had the good fortune of studying with a longtime psychoanalyst and mentor. I asked about forgiveness of one’s parents as a “must.” You see, I had inadvertently caused some controversy in one of my doctoral seminars after reading an article by a psychoanalyst who felt that forgiving one’s parents was a sign of maturity; I disagreed, as I felt there could be no global rule about forgiveness as it pertains to one’s parents, and clashed with my fellow students and instructors.
My mentor waved off this “doctrine” in no uncertain terms. “Why do you have to forgive your parents?” he wondered aloud. “I’ve never been a fan of that idea. Especially if they were horrible to their kids. Am I going to tell a woman who experienced incest with her dad, with a mom who denied such things ever happened, ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’? Of course not. And anyway, do we really want requirements of the people we help? What do we do if they can’t or won’t forgive? Refuse to see them? Give them moral instruction? That’s repeating the very abuse they’re trying so hard to escape.”
All of this is a way of saying this: Do what feels safe and right to you. Keep your boundary. The fact you took the time to write means there’s some part of you that treasures your own preservation and well-being; trust your instincts! Also, the fact you have set a boundary and had such a human, understandable, and honest reaction to your mother’s recent contact tells me you’re probably the healthiest person in your family. The healthiest person is often the first to seek therapy, as it turns out.
I have discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.
Speaking of which, I would encourage you to seek a counselor, preferably one who can address the psychodynamics of such pernicious abuse. The damage can be very subtle. I discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.
You might say the vulnerable part of us, which we have to hide or “put away” in an abusive context, inevitably emerges as we try to fulfill our hopes and goals for an authentic life, especially in regard to relationships with others (sexual/romantic, friendships, even educationally or professionally). Sustaining hope means remaining vulnerable. Some people end up sabotaging their own hopes, or withdrawing from life, due to the savagery of past suffering. Finding a competent healer might be the most loving thing you could do for yourself.
Hating your parents is one thing. Hating yourself for hating them is quite another. You clearly don’t deserve that burden. A competent therapist can help you recognize and have compassion for the forces at work in your self-directed misgivings.
One final note: Are there are any other family members you can talk to who “get” your experience and can validate it? A cousin, aunt or uncle, even close family friend? The son I spoke of earlier had an aunt who was far more balanced than his own mother, and he and his aunt developed a fairly close rapport. The aunt validated his experience as real, which was an important aspect of his coming to terms with his experience and moving forward.
I hope this has been helpful. I further hope you are able to find the peace so unfairly denied to you by your parents.
Kind regards,
Darren Haber
Learning to Trust Again After Gaslighting 
Why Is Emotional Abuse So Difficult to Recognize? 
How to Heal from the Narcissistic Abuse of a Parent - 58 comments
- Leave a Comment
-
Lauren
May 6th, 2017 at 7:45 AMThis is all on them.
Don’t let their actions from the past have to make you unhappy today.
If you are happier in your life without them in it, then that is the path that you should pursue.
Yes it would be great if everyone could have an awesome relationship with their parents, but those are not the cards that we have all been dealt.
I say that you have a lot of crap from the past that you have to work through, and if that includes doing that without them, then so be it. -
Josiah Asamoa
May 9th, 2020 at 9:52 AMI am not going to forgive my mother
-
Josiah
May 9th, 2020 at 9:55 AMI change my mind I am going to forgive my mother I do not even care she is drunk and she is so mean
-
Darren Haber
May 6th, 2017 at 11:39 AMThx Lauren! 👍🏻
-
Frances
May 8th, 2017 at 7:50 AMI understand the feeling of guilt, because after all these are your parents and you feel in some ways that you owe them love. But do you really? especially after the pain that they have caused you? I don’t think so. The guilt should definitely be felt by them, because why even become a parent if this is the best that you can do for someone?
-
Kristen
May 9th, 2017 at 12:54 PMThis was a helpful post. I am trying to learn that it is ok to not forgive my parents . Also, finding validation is very important, unfortunately my sister has been in total denial since our mother died. I can’t pretend.
-
susie
May 10th, 2017 at 7:15 AMI grew up with a not so great relationship with my own parents and as a result I don’t think that I have the best one now with my own children.
I am not trying to use this as an excuse but when you have never really been shown how that role should function one should understand that it is hard to know how to even behave when you become a parent yourself.
I am trying to do the work that is needed to encourage some healing, but I know that it is going to take some ti,me and I am always afraid that my kids are one day just going to give up on me. -
Tbrok
September 21st, 2017 at 6:09 AMHow I know this. My father was/is a white collar workaholic, as the eldest son I got the sharp end of his rage and frustration- some nasty physical abuse but only a handful of instances that I remember. Far worse is the mind games, bullying and ego smashing. Classically trying to isolate you, belittle you, make you doubt yourself. I am left with a sea of rage towards them. I hate them. I felt like such a **** up growing up and half or more was the way those nasty psychopaths treated me. Every single friend I ever had instinctively knew something was wrong with them, didn’t want to be in the same room as them, they could smell what nasty pieces of work they were. There’s no consistency, there’s no “soul”- there’s no feeling. It’s like dealing with a pair of psychopaths. You never know what the game is they are going to try and play today, and by god I’ll never forget the instances where my father got me on my own, threatened and psychologically abused me, threatening to kick me on the street – I will never forget the way he smirked at me when I offered to pay rent, he smirked and said “I don’t need your money”. He’s a monster and I feel myself die any time I speak cordially to them. They’re animals. They don’t deserve my presence let alone do they deserve to be spoken to kindly. I hate them with all my heart. I would never seek any confrontation with them that would risk any more damage to my life. They aren’t worth it.
-
Walter S.
October 12th, 2017 at 2:44 PMSeth and Aiden, I hope one day you stumble upon this and read it, and realize that what you are going through is not your fault. You were always both good kids, and you are both growing into strong and intelligent young men with good hearts,and I am very proud of you. Your sister Haley misses you both very much, and she hopes very much that she can be reunited with you one day.
As for me, I am broken. I can’t fight anymore. Every day my heart and mind is consumed by my grief and longing for our relationship to be restored, but after five years, I can’t go on like this. I have to put it away and focus on other things. Should you ever decide to look me up, I will be in Orlando, like always, and not hard to find. My door and my heart will always be open to both of you. Please believe that I don’t blame you for any of this, and I’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through. I am also sorry for the mistakes I have made along the way, and I hope you can forgive me for them.
Remember to be kind and forgiving to each other. The turmoil and strife between you two is not because of who you are, but because you have been played against each other. Don’t let the fact that you were treated differently drive a wedge between you. You are brothers, no matter what. I love you both, yesterday, today, and always.
Walter S., Dad -
Jane
November 12th, 2017 at 1:38 PMI’m in my early 30s and I hate my parents too, except unlike you, I was never abused as a kid and I don’t really feel bad at all for hating them. I used to be closed to my father until maybe a couple of years ago. It got worse the last year or so. My grandparents died recently within a month of each other, as did his best friend. I know it affected him, but he took all his anger or whatever out on me. Whether I gave support or did nothing, made no difference. I think he is also cheating on my mother. They are both retired and he is always out of the house. Since he retired he became this social butterfly trying to act all “hip” with people that he meets. It’s really sad and embarrassing to see. Even his ring tone on his cell phone is too much. My mother and I have always had an on again, off again relationship. She is the most neurotic, selfish, and self absorbed person that I have ever met. Since childhood, she has never apologized for anything wrong that she might have done (to anyone..not just to me). I admit though me and father are often the ones who end up being the ones to apologize just in order to get her to stop talking, screaming, and honestly just to get her to leave the room. Everything with my mother has a catch as well even if something since well intentioned. I should mentioned for the first time in years guess who my roommates are? Mom and dad…. As stupid as this sounds, I am doing it for my dog who has access to a nice big backyard and my mom is always in the house and he loves her. Had it not been for that, I would have gotten my own place.
-
Jeanne
January 19th, 2018 at 1:11 PMThank you for this. It really helped me understand. My mother always talk bad about my friends and a close cousin, and I always wondered why she did that. But she is also lonely, no friends. And it all really makes sense now!
My father is the classical home-terrorist, who would yell and shout for misplacing shoes or leaving homework at the table. I remember him as always yelling, always angry, always telling us we weren’t good enough, smart enough ect. He still does this. My mother would to protect herself, by just shutting down mentally, and not react to all the name calling and mental abuse, unable to give any love but the superficial.
I hit a rough patch a couple of years ago, feeling myself getting more and more depressed. I tried talking to my mother about it, and she couldn’t handle it and just told me that I must be bored and suggested that I read a book… It was really tough, having to realise that when I needed my parents the most, they weren’t able to and wouldn’t help me at all.
I have really had trouble accepting that I don’t like my parents. I try to protect myself, by not visiting them, not answering the phone and not seeing them except when I absolutely have to (birthdays and such). And your article made that okay. I feel so much better about myself. Thank you so much! -
Darren Haber
January 19th, 2018 at 2:08 PMYou’re quite welcome! Thanks for the nice feedback!
-
Bama
February 1st, 2018 at 9:56 PM@ . —No Love Lost You sound like we are kin the way our parents beat us kids for no reason at all with belts. tree branch’s base ball bats, fishing poles, pots and pans, cigarette burns go days with out eating kicking us stepping on our face my dad was nuts he would undo the bed post and beat us with it and his tools when he was close enough to grab them they would set us in the front yard in front of our friends and cut off all our hair off and talking about being bullied at school was bad enough from the scars and welps. what ever was in reach is what we got a beaten with ,am like you my mom calls I hang up on her I do not wish to talk to her she downs her our grand daughter and i will never under stand as to why to this date as even as today 2/1/18 on voice mail trying to get under my skin to get me to anwser the phone. .. but as kids she would stand around and let dad beat us until we could not even walk or crawl mom & dad would degrade us kids so bad around our friends but to us kids we thought we was good kids never in trouble at school our any where else. I hate to say it but am glad my father is dead after watching him beat our sister and brother and stepping in and trying to stop it and we get more of the beatings just was bad . he would call us names that you could never under stand as to why . dad always said it was because it was the way he was raised and left it as that .. Mom always said because her dad was a moonshine runner and a drinker and a drunk . I always ask them but why us and got the same anwsers . Now that i have 1 kid that i love with all my heart i have never as i told my self from childhood i will never in my life touch my kid or kids and she has never been hit or touched in her life . Only thing that bothers me when i look in the mirror and see all the scars on my face whice is alot and my parents always lied how we got them. and taking my clothes off and seeing all the scars on my legs arms stomach looking in the morror seeing part my ear gone omg. scars on my back i hate it but am strong and i live one day at a time knowing what i didnt do with my kid and am SO PROUD OF MY SELF . as my parents did to us.. just letting out steam lol. P.S yes i talk to my brother and sister to this date and they hate them just as bad. @ Darren thanks for having a site for us to Vent.. @ . —No Love Lost Hugs Bama
-
lul
February 23rd, 2019 at 7:03 PMi still hate my parents
-
Sweet H
February 2nd, 2018 at 8:21 AMI’m in my mid-twenties and all i can say is i hate both my parents fron the bottom of my heart. My father has always been abusive in his words and gestures towards both my mother and my brothers. But worst was that my mother always did everything that my father asked her to do. She even told my brother and i that it was our fault if my father was abusive to all of us. How could a mother not protect her child? I’ll never understand that… That situation has caused me so much pain that i’m unable to have real connections with other people, specially boys. I have been constantly attracted to boys who never liked me, or wanted to be with me. I feel so lost right now and i don’t know how to deal with all that. Its too much of a burden!
-
Rich
May 25th, 2018 at 9:30 PMOf course I hate my parents… my Dad is dead and I am glad about it! That evil man lied to me, treated me less then my brothers, and did everything he could to destroy my psychologically. My Mom was his slave, she endured embarrassment and beatings at the hand of my father.
Forgive that sick B******? NO WAY.
How much do I hate my dead Dad. I went to his grave and reliveved myself on it. That is how much I hate him. Now, I must forget him altogether. My stupid, mentally-ill Mother is about to die. I will NOT be at her funeral. I hate them both. I hate being alive. Who the f*** did they think they are to have children? They were both useless human beings and should BOTH have been sterilized… or better yet ABORTED. -
Maria del Cielo
June 16th, 2018 at 1:05 PMRight now i have to be writing an article that i will present in two days… But i cannot concentrate on it… I saw that my mom called me again and i cannot stand hearing her needy voice on the phone. I didn’t hav the nerves to talk to her. The same with my father. After reading the stories of the others that commented here, i have realised that mine was similar too. Hometerrorist man which portrays himself outside as a cool and loving dad and husband and a woman who became a mother at the age of 19 despite her will. I was the first child of the two. They experimented on me. My father was beating my mother in front of my eyes from very early age . And i tried to protect her, got beaten by him too and stigmatised by my mother for being against my father. How much i hated them and the society that creates such marriages at the age of 5 even. They also creaed injustice between me and my sibling that is 3 years younger. She was more the domestic type while i was the rebel. I was jelous of her as she was approved and i was punished constantly. I started to hit her and my parents instead of creating better communication between her and me, she added fuel to the flame. She composed a song with the lyrics “bad girl, evil girl” targetting me. With my sister together they sang it at my face so many times. One day years after i found a tape that recorded from those times. And there was that song… I cannot explain you the thunder in my mind when i heart it… All those bad memories were vivid as if they happened a minute ago. Anotther example is that my sister got goitre (a hormonal illness mainly genetical) and my mother put the blame on me. She did everything to make me and my sister be enemies with each other. I guess the main motive was that in her eyes i was like my father and my sister was more like her. So in her own sick small mind she was taking her revenge on a playground. All my life i tried not to be like her; passive aggressive housewife with no life at all. She has always been my negative role model. And my father still the same sadist ignorant machist guy who is completely unaware of himself and what he did to his family. If you ask him he will truely defend that he is the best father and the husband in the world. They both disgust me to a point of vomitting whatever i have inside me from my past. And the worst thing is that they play the roles of good parents for some years; calling me, complaining at me why i never call them. Do not think that i hide my feelings. I was always pretty open about them. But really it hearts. I hate them and i am disgusted by them… I started at a very early age critising everything in the society; all that double standarts were too much for a little child. I had some relationships but all ended up by me with very negative feelings inside me. I never had a child. I even aborted twice. At the age of 43 i tried to be a mother but this time my health didn’t give me permission. All my life i have found it difficult to trust people and love them. The funny thing is that i turned my face from young age to the non-human world. I rejected that i was a human being. If these two idiots were my parents, then i refused to believe that i was part of them. I made up a dream to keep sane. Mt dream was that i was an alien on this planet who was waiting for her people. I knew that it was just a fantasy because i was always a very realistic kid but it helped me to protect my belied in myself. One great thing about myself is i am an extremely loving person to my friends and nature. Despite their horrible involvement in my life i have become a positive person so surprisingly. I could have been a killer or a drug addict etc. I really cannot forgive them. The older i get (44 now) the deeper my hatred for them. They even poisoned my relationship with my sister whom i truely love. Violence in the family hurts everyone. Even after they die my hatred will be perfectly alive i know. They put this poisoned seed in my heart and i don’t know how to keep it under control. I would appreciate if you could give me some insights.
-
Renee
October 13th, 2023 at 11:20 AMEveryone on here needs to check out NPD. It sounds like most of these parents have it. I did some research on it when I discovered my mean Mom fit the bill to a “t”. Check out books like “Will I ever be Good Enough” and “Mothers who can’t love”
-
Jason
July 30th, 2018 at 12:52 PMNo Love Lost,
I also hate my parents. They are terrible people and suffice it to say I have good reason for hating them. Because of this selfish irresponsibility by them I must always contend with the affects on my psychological well being, I am 42. I have found that if a parent doesn’t demonstrate love to you, you grow up unsure if you can love yourself. It’s cause and affect; a kind of lifelong curse bestowed by them to me. It isn’t a choice; they’ve helped design the neurological pathways that exist today, and now I must carry that. Therapy has helped immensely.
Hate. Let me say a word in defense of Hate. Hate is a double edged sword, one edge is for your enemy, the sharper side however, is for you. They say when you kill a man, you kill yourself as well. That’s the trouble with hate. Its a powerful flame that you are trying to contend with, but it’s so close to you, your flesh.
I’ve identified the things I hate about my parents, and I use that still-hot flame as motivation to be unlike them. The more I choose to be their opposite, the more I can stand as a rejection of them and that past. I have a son. I’m patient, loving, tender, a good teacher, and fully aware of my own capacity for tyranny. How I treat my family, my behavior is an altar of resistance, a stand against all that I hate in my parents. And that, I think, is the best way to hate your parents.
Jason -
X
August 22nd, 2018 at 1:53 PMSome people never change. No matter who they are in the present. Their present self won’t change what they did.
It only hurts me when i see them everyday in front of me. I hate it and i hate myself. I hate what they made feel. Now i don’t have even the slightest courage to tell them that “f*** off! I can’t bear you. I can’t bear your smile that you keep on and i can’t bear the fact that you are so comfortable to move on ahead with your life after what you did to me” -
Thomas
August 13th, 2019 at 8:42 AMSometimes family are the ones holding you back good for you for moving on i love my family but the things they have done and still do to me are not the best for me and i should of left them a long time ago I had a chance to move in with the right people but I said there my family sometimes family is not the best for you
-
v Mariposa
May 23rd, 2020 at 6:39 PMMy parents tried to control my exuberant nature by criticizing everything I did. I decided that I would do well despite their nastiness. I had a very loving, uninhibited grandmother whose house I was raised in until my father returned from WW2. I was 3; he didn’t bond. Everyone ELSE loved me, and thank god I identified with my outgoing grandmother (who ate dinner at the WH occasionally; she was no cheap trick!) to the point that she became my spirit mother. Nonetheless, I didn’t receive the parental nurturing a child needs to mature emotionally; I was considered wild. Don’t worry, I got my B.A. in Psychology from UC Berkeley back when it only cost $150/year. I also worked, saved my money and went to Europe on a whim. I fell in love with Europe and especially Spain. People were so kind. I also married a Frenchman, studied French at l’Alliance francaise. I translated at doctors’ conferences by my fourth year in Morocco. My husband’s grandparents immigrated to Algiers when it was a French colony. But I never wanted or had children; I wrote novels and was very adventuresome as was my husband. This is almost a Cinderella story except that I got dysentery and fell for his 2nd cousin, which ended our marriage, so I had to come back to the USA. At age 77, having published several novels and taught ESL, done lots of interesting things, I still struggle with a very jealous younger sister…it never really stops, but I have forgiven my parents. They did their best, but they were angry, materialistic people, so be it. The struggle is pretty much over, but I am at peace. Try to forgive people so that YOU CAN ENJOY LIFE! I’m pretty sure release comes with forgiveness and this allows you to grow and become your own person. I’m sorry that you were abused so horribly. I love all of you!
-
Really Emo Fake
June 8th, 2020 at 3:25 AMIt’s kind of hard to believe EVERY single one of the people here are real and their parents really abuse them. It sounds like so exaggerating and fake. ughhhhh sooooo emmoooo!
-
Person
June 16th, 2020 at 11:29 AMPLEASE READ AND GIVE ME ADVICE!!!!! I have never been physically abused by either of my parents, so my story is nothing in comparison to others here, but I’ve still had some unpleasant experiences with them. My parents have been divorced for 3 years now and have split time with my brother and I. At each house I feel unwelcome and unsafe. My mother does drugs and cannot keep a house clean. Every time I’m over there I notice more wrong things. For example, moldy food in the fridge and on counters, clutter every which way you look, drugs (Illegal and not), and the list goes on. I have to sleep in a basement with centipedes and spiders that crawl on me and my mom yells at me every time I complain about it. She also does drugs around my baby sister who once (Accidentally) drank vape juice and had to be taken to the ER. My mom’s boyfriend who lives with us yells at me over nothing. One night I burnt my hand at around midnight and he came down the stairs, took my phone, and screamed about how I was being “Too loud” I showed him my hand and he said “Does it look like that’s my problem?!” The only reason I choose not to call CPS is because she takes the time to listens to me and my opinions and problems. At my dad’s house it’s the opposite, we have a clean and organized house with good food and nice rooms, but on the other hand, my father doesn’t care about my emotions or mental health AT ALL. I’m forced to take all advanced classes while I’m also expected to be on our varsity team for track and cross country. Right now (summer) I’m expected to run at least 30 miles a week and get up at 5 am to do so, even though I’d much rather sleep. Any time I attempt to bring up the fact that it is very unpleasant for me to have to do all these things and run my dad forces me too and disregards any shred of sympathy. I’ve been grounded from my phone for months at a time for ridiculous things like texting a friend he’s never met. The funny thing is is that he treats my stepsister like a perfect little princess even though she’s more of a trouble maker than I am. She fails classes, messes around with guys, and has nothing expected from her other than to keep her room clean. I’m constantly being lectured about things I’ve never done, and I feel like I have no voice around him or good options regarding my situation. At one point I felt so hurt by his lack of love I started self-harming. I tried to hide it from him, but when he found out instead of being worried, he yelled at me and lectured me. I have major anxiety issues and I’m extremely self-conscious, I’m easily hurt by people’s words and am scolded for crying over small things. On top of my parents I have abusive siblings who pick on me, gossip about me, and physically hurt me and my parents do nothing about it. I hate myself, the way I look, just everything… I wish I could be more like my siblings.
-
The GoodTherapy Team
June 16th, 2020 at 4:05 PMThank you all for sharing here.
If you would like the support of a therapist or counselor, you can search for clinicians near you, here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
If you are in crisis or worried about someone who might be, you can find crisis resources here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html -
kate
June 19th, 2020 at 2:13 AMi really dont get my parents mentality. who r always racist. who dont have good mentality. they always discriminate. i cant tolerate my home. they talk shits. i dont wanna look at their face . the way they talk , they judge others and blame without knowing. i hate everything about them. they dont even look like me and i know i dont have any of their genes. i have many thing to tel about how m depressed since from childhood till now.
-
stelios
November 30th, 2020 at 10:58 AMmy parents love me but they reported me like a garbadge and this awful feeling do me to hate myself
-
anonymous
December 1st, 2020 at 10:25 AMi dont feel a guilt in hating my parents for the things they have done to me and other people around them, they have beat me done drugs and drank in front of me just let me sit in foster care with people i didnt know while there doing god knows what, and im just there being screamed at forced to work like a slave with no food or water wondering when will my parents come get me, i hadnt seen my dad in 7 years and my mom in 3 and as i got older i realized something very important i wanted to kill them and make sure they felt just how i did every second of my life making sure they know just how it feels to be dead inside
-
Tina
December 19th, 2020 at 11:27 AMRecently, on being pulled back into the realm of family, once again had to endure screaming emotional abuse from a parent level person. Just more non-sense and it makes you think, ‘yes indeed must be dealing with a narc’. To cope, because I could not ‘escape’ – I became a small child in my head, very happy, happy. And for my real self? We (my personalities) sent her to sleep in the corner like a little kitty cat and we gave her lots of pets and love while she rested.
Pretty messed up!
Then combined that will having to withstand abuse from a sister who I guess I am just now realizing also has major narcissistic issues. Because I now ‘understand’ the dynamic, I won’t be her unquestioning servant anymore. So she is also having a lot of fun abusing me with a narcissistic discard.
Once again, I just want to run far away from anyone who is ‘family’ – the others seem to enjoy watching my pain. My mother just sat there – once again – watching my beration. My bro and dad condone my sister’s treatment in their silence toward me overall – while still discussing me with her behind my back, then coming up with catty little things she said as her good little flying monkies.
I am over 50. I’ve tried low contact and no contact – but the narcissists rage and do what they will to suck me back in.
But this was the last time. I will leave soon and I won’t be back this time. -
Grace
January 22nd, 2021 at 7:47 AMI always thought i had a bad and hard life but this story taught me that i have a great life
Thankyou -
AYLA
January 22nd, 2021 at 2:13 PMi hate everything
-
Someone
March 27th, 2021 at 4:24 PMI hate my parents u guys………. I hate them so much. they’re always against me, they don’t like anything I do.
-
Ty'T.
April 7th, 2021 at 5:52 PMMy parents call me stupid and dumb. I have a condition called excema. I looked it up on google and it says it can’t be cured. I had a few bumps on my right leg and nowhere else my mom screamed and hit me. They said I would get teased in school. One time my mom scratched me and I was bleeding. I told her and she said she didn’t care. My dad does nothing and these past few weeks my dad has been getting angrier and angrier at us, calling us names like dumb,stupid, idiot, hard – headed, and slow. Well they both called me slow. They mock me. I keep crying… it is never a day when my parents aren’t yelling. My dad hit me today for spilling a little spot of ketchup in the microwave and called me dumb. I’m starting to look up if my parents hate me or not and the quizzes aren’t helping. I’m starting to hate them. I just want to know if my parents hate me or not.
-
Robin
April 10th, 2021 at 10:39 AMI hate my parents for the lack of guidance or protection they failed to provide me with growing up. They taught me absolutely nothing as a child. So much so that as far back as I can remember, I had to get my foreskin surgically removed because they failed to teach me about hygiene. Because the mother was too weirdly bunched up about sexuality and the body that she wouldn’t discuss a thing. I’m pretty sure today it would be child neglect. That was just the beginning, I once had a sheet of plastic given to me as a Christmas present from an Aunt, supposedly a ‘high-speed sled’ thing which I very much wanted to try out one rare snowy day that year, at the bottom of the garden is a massive stone wall. Well, before I could even balance myself on that death-trap I careened into that solid stone wall at the bottom, took literally 2 to 3 seconds to cover that ground. No reaction time. Luckily “I” had the presence of mind to wear a little plastic helmet, the mother didn’t even insist on it. After that incident I wasn’t even taken to hospital for a check-up. It’s still unknown what mental damage that (evidently) caused me. Before finishing primary school I was kicked so hard in the testicles by a much older and stronger girl that one of them failed to develop and drop properly, probably stunting my growth and causing unknown developmental issues. They did no follow-up with the school, …didn’t seem to care. They were invasive of my privacy and once the mother openly confronted me about some drawings I did which I hid under my bed and a stupid ‘journal’ thing I kept as pure fantasy, the kind of release a child needs developmentally, nothing but pure fantasy and expression. She exclaimed how it was ‘offensive’ to her. Not seeing how she was over-stepping a boundary and widening the tentative gap of trust between us. I still to this day have no idea what she did with those. I’m pretty sure she gave them to someone to ‘analyze’ or even handed them in to the police or something. As I grew up and went off to college, I’d return home to find my wardrobes empty, the mother would routinely go through my clothing and remove it to give to charity. Then think nothing of it even deny she touched anything. I used to struggle in school (Surprise, surprise… Unchecked head-trauma and absolutely no support or guidance at home…?) And once a Right-wing nutcase teacher gave me the lowest-possible mark out of spite purely because she had opposing political views to my Councilor father. Again, they did nothing about it. I was raped as a very young, vulnerable teen (Possibly just turned 17) on 2 separate occasions by 2 different abusive over-weight women. I couldn’t open up about that at home, I had no support network or love there. With no coping mechanisms and no known-strategies, I had to push it down, try to move-on and cope myself. When I passed my driving test the father had the audacity to say to my instructor (in-front of my face) that, “Well, I know you have to let a certain percentage pass” ..Yeah. No, “Congratulations” for me. When I was harassed constantly by a newly-arrived CID inspector all over the town I was growing up in, the parents turned a blind-eye. Didn’t want to know. I was bullied to 2 older kids in school, every chance they got to mess with me they did, eventually I was assaulted by one, when I went home with a sore eye-socket the mother screamed at ‘me’ for it. Not the reaction you would expect from a ‘loving parent’ I know families who would go out of their way to spill blood over something like protecting their children. But, oh well. Then I had to get the hell out of that toxic home. I began failing at life, I struggled with many addictions, primarily alcohol problems. There was no love or concern about that. I started to go off the rails, admittedly. But what chance did I have? Looking back I just can’t blame myself for the trouble I fell into. I was unloved, raised in an un-loving home environment. Taught absolutely nothing and never given any guidance to help me through life to speak of. …Yea, I hate my parents. I now have a dead father and a mother I haven’t spoken a word to in almost 10 years. I abhor the adoption system too, as I see it as their fault they let all this happen to me.
-
Josh
May 19th, 2021 at 10:21 AMI hate my dad
-
annoymymous
June 18th, 2021 at 10:29 AMim 16 and i wish i was an orphan
-
anonymes
June 18th, 2021 at 10:34 AMHow old are you now Robin? its sucks to hear that people lives can be chopped in half because of their upbringing (in terms of quality of life). Im 16 and i also hate my family. i could relate to some of the things u said. i fear that my ubringing will hinder the rest of my life.
-
Sonia
July 30th, 2021 at 11:17 PMI too hate my parents…One is to get angry when drunk and the other is to hit, abuse without any intoxication. And this is what my parents a like. they have no control over their anger and still whole blame goes on my and my younger sister. why the hell they do this just to satisfy their ego?????? i am done with this shit……if I say they had faced a bad past too that’s why they do this then I will wrong, because the one who faces wrong, he\she can not do anything wrong with others specially with their own children. Today is my birthday, my father remember and not even few more relative except my maternal aunt. I am 21 now. A last year BTech college student. Today also my mother abused me and hit me. For the first time I am getting suicidal thought. I have lot of patience but now it’s like getting over. I cann’t tolerate this abuse, unnecessary hittings. Mental peace is foremost thing for me, my mother know this very well. I have told her this many times still she doesn’t back off for once. We are a kinna middle class family, I have few jeans to wear but my muma not having much , still she tonts me may be cause she doesn’t have. I have any went to any party with my friends because once I went, then that that after every 15 mins she was calling me where I left. I don’t even talk to my any college mate on phone because I always feel my mother is there behind and listening to my conversations and she still does this though I talk any vulgar or anything like that. Every time I feel someone is there and staring me and even if an little silly mistake I do, I will be smashed and that person is none other than my parents. I feel safe outside the home and dangerous inside my home. Every time they make us realize that me and my younger sisters are torturing them and they are the victims. I was not worldy wise when I entered college for the first time, as my mother always kept me inside home. mostly said I have no dressing sense. 2 guys called me “gaon ki gori “, still I didn’t feel much bad. Then again in my 2nd year I felt heart break, i took it as turning point of my life. From that day onwards I have trust issues. I want normal life, wanna be happy , wanna make friends, wanna live among people, ain’t wanna be odd one out. whole day they just utter vulgar things and their voice is irritating me a lot now. She once also confessed that the my future in-laws will love me more and Will get as much love as is not found here. Means she accepting they don’t love me as much we deserve!!!! I don’t how I am facing me this harsh reality. Other people say they feel more lovable , safe and comfort at their home, but I am not one of those lucky people. My father even insulted me in front of my cousin sister although it was not my mistake and cannot tolerate anything wrong happening to either with me or any other in front of me but what if my own parents do to me!? and they might know this, but in front of relative they don’t take my stand, and my mother hit me and that whole night i was crying, my eyes were swollen. Still my mother next day asked me to smile and cheer up. even when the function ended my parents parents were explaining my actions to other relatives instead of taking stand for me. My mother still tonts me for the mistake I did while I was in my school in class 8th or 9th, she my relation with a guy. I caught up in 3-4 short term relationships till last year just to feel lovable without making any bedroom stories. Now I don’t want anyone because from inside I am lost. My parents does lot good things for me but on other hand abuse me, insult me. Is it just a favor they do???? they even don’t realize their mistake and apologize. I am like I am just preparing to get excellent placement and become independent. I only know I ain’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this I know this fact. sorry for any grammatical mistake and long article, I just write it while crying.
-
Sara GT
July 31st, 2021 at 10:23 AMDear Sonia, perhaps you might wish to speak about these issues with a mental health practitioner? You can start finding therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Once you enter your location, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, please feel free to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team
-
John
September 7th, 2021 at 7:03 PMI have nothing but disgust and hatred for my parents.
My father is an overgrown child who throws tantrums and is probably autistic.
My mother is an overgrown child who is incapable of acting on her own and has no life experience.
They’re too childlike to hurt me intentionally. Instead, they’ve crippled me in all areas of life due to
their sheer incompetence. They’re such social failures that I can’t even seem them as human. They have zero social
awareness and fail at the most basic level. I think I have made eye contact with my father maybe five times in
my entire life. An autistic parent can really deprive you of the most basic of luxuries like having someone
who will look you in the eye. I will say I don’t hate autistic people in general. In high school, my best friend was autistic. But the damage they can cause when left unchecked can ruin lives in the most disgusting ways possible.I would seriously have taken a narcissistic, antisocial family or a negligent, alcoholic one over this. Anything
other than this autistic, neurotic hellhole of weakness and incompetence. I can’t even hate them in good conscience
or have a serious conversation with them because it feels like I’m bullying a kid. And I don’t think the experiences
I’ve had are relatable because autistic people don’t reproduce often. I will never find camaraderie with others
over this neurotic, insane situation. I wish I could feel burning hatred toward these subhumans, but I always have to reign in my hatred since they’re too childlike to hold fully accountable. Instead I can only feel the same emotion I feel when looking at a nest of maggots: pure disgust. If you’ve ever worked with special-needs kids, imagine if they had power and resources over you and made up your entire world.I’m so envious reading interesting stories of hellish households, always followed by someone saying
they went through something similar. As long as your suffering is interesting and relatable you’re good.
At least it’s not flat-out bizarre. My suffering is as horrifying as it is boring, and so I can’t relate to
others.It’s impossible to describe the horrors of my father in words. Only when observed can you see that he
takes these concepts to the extreme. So well-intentioned parents overprotect their kids, right? Not to this extent.
Not in the same adrenaline-addled insanity that surrounds this subhuman waste of genetic material.
Who else has a father who has almost never looked them in the eye (for no intelligible reason)?
He runs around the house like a special-needs kid when something trivial happens.
He spikes everyone’s adrenaline whenever the smallest conflict arises.
He was 50 years old when I was born effectively being my grandparent, failing to keep up with the times
and ensuring I can’t relate to my peers.
He snaps and throws a tantrum at the most bizarre, random things.
He has zero sense of boundaries due to “good intentions” down to the most trivial matters, and calls you
ungrateful if you try to claim your independence and self-efficacy.
He divorced my mother and yet they lived together for another four years, turning the house into a barren wasteland. They were so incompetent they couldn’t even separate properly, like humans.
He paid zero attention to his child’s development yet restrained me from social opportunities out of “safety”
like I’m some princess who needed to be kept in a tower. He couldn’t even cripple my development like a f**king man, forcing me into situations I may not be prepared for. Instead he protects me from situations I should handle myself because I’m totally going to bust my head open if I go play ball with the other kids who are younger than I am.Literally anything other than this autistic mockery of humanity. Give me love, give me hatred, just give me an interesting story. I just wish I’d had a human family.
-
Ann
November 7th, 2021 at 12:32 PMMy brother and I had a rough life at an orphanage where we suffered from PTSD and our adopted parents have never helped us with our mental health and they never helped us heal. Instead they just made it a lot worse. My adopted mother continued to abuse me and my brother and tried to kick me out of the house naked at age 19(F) and my older brother at age 10. My parents would give us gifts for chrismas and birthdays and then when we get into arguments, she would hit us with kitchen wares or hit us across the face to show that she is in control. On top of that she would tell us that me and my brother and the most selfish kids she has ever seen and said that she wishes that she never adopted us. My adopted father on the other hand, never trusted me and my brother. He would put spy ware crap on our phones and hide cameras inside and outside the house without telling us. He accused us of doing drugs, smoke, and throwing parties, etc. He got me a car for christmas and then accused me of stealing it and so he hid the car keys away. My dad also told his mother that he doesn’t care about my brother, and that he doesn’t care that if something bad happens to my brother. When I confronted him about this, he lied to me and then pulls this bullcrap Christian crap saying that he swears to god and that he is Christian. Even though I was right there heard everything as he was screaming at the top of his lungs saying how he doesn’t care about my brother. My parents have never really cared about me and my brother and have always hid their trueselves away from people. they would pretend to love us and to care about us in front of people, but behind closed doors, they are really screwed up people who care about themselves only and who take advantage of me and brother. Honestly. I wish and I keep praying and keep hoping that both our adopted parents would just die one day. I just want them dead either today, tomorrow, the next day. or even before thanksgiving of 2021. I just cant take this crap anymore. Yesterday I just couldn’t stop crying. Every day of my life I am crying and asking what did me and my brother do to deserve this kind of life where we we were treated like we were no one from day one to having these sucky parents. My dad called me yesterday and I literally said Hi dad, did you call me? and then my mother, that awful person who is on the line with him starts nagging me and starts lashing out at me saying that I have no manners and that I need to show respect to her and 2 face husband. She told me that I need to say hello and I told her I did. and then her stupid scumbag husband just hangs up the phone and doesn’t say anything else, like good bye. Like WHERE THE HECK IS THAT MANNER? I cried so much last night because of that. My mom is one screwed up stupid person who gives a heck about herself only an dnot anyone else. She is a stupid lawyer who is abusive and manipulating loser. You know the funny thing, my brother posted on facebook saying that he gives no care if that woman was dead. and honestly I agree and I don’t blame him. I just hope that both my parents die so that my brother and I don’t have to tolerate with either one of their crap. I just want to be with an adult who loves me and doesn’t care if I share my feelings or talk about my life to them. My parents act like they are the only humans in the world. This is just plain stupidly funny, so when I tell my mom what she does and told her that I’m not taking her gifts because she tried to kick me about of the house naked, she told me she was mad and she never meant to do that and she says thing that are hurtful and that she didn’t mean it. How many of you have parents who says this and then continue to repeat their crap? to get to the bottom of this, I just want both my adopted parents to die already. I just want them dead before thanksgiving of 2021, either today or tomorrow would be great! I don’t care how they die, I just hope and want and wish for them to be dead! I dontcare that this is mean or cruel, but honestly, if you were in my shoes, You would know exactly how the hell I am feeling and how much pain and how hurt I am. I don’t care about my adopted parents anymore, I tried to see the good in them, but all I see is selfish ungreatful, untrustworthy, 2 faced narrissist, abusive, toxic parents. I wish they were dead.
-
KF
November 21st, 2021 at 11:22 AMI have lived with a toxic dysfunctional family my whole life. Abusive parents and siblings who then gaslight you about their abuse.other relatives who do the same because all they hear is one side and all they see is the wonderful public side of my parents etc. and I don’t bad mouth or air dirty laundry plus it’s embarrassing to admit I have such a messed up family. Publicly we are well known and respected in the community but here I am at 50 years old still dealing with my 81 yo abusive father who has always criticized me and for years has verbally assaulted me and keeps getting worse. He has no restraint and calls me horrible vile names. He treats my mom same way. As a kid he would tell me he didn’t want to be married or he once told me he was leaving as my 5 yo self hysterically cried and begged him not to go. All I know is chaos. That’s why I never had kids. As much as I wanted to in order to create my own healthy family I also was too afraid to repeat the cycle and I have repeated the cycle towards my own husband. My father is selfish and gives zero fks about the damage he has done to my spirit. He doesn’t even care anymore if we are in public he will verbally attack me, call me horrible names and flip me off. He’s pathetic. Even his own grandkids he never played with when they would visit. Just watches TV like he did when I was a kid but constantly complains that he has no time for himself and we all take up all his time etc. I have always been the helpful one and he has never appreciated it, but I have two siblings who are suddenly monopolizing al his time because I know they are hoping he will ,Dave them money when he dies. I can’t even afford a house and want nothing from him. He has never helped me with anything. He puts strangers before his own family and whenever er I have needed help he uses it as an opportunity to criticize me and blame me for my problems. As a little girl he was my hero and now I hate him and resent him and have no respect for him. He has publicLy humiliated me and verbally abused me too many times to count including the day my fiancé took me to pick out my wedding ring. My siblings also treat me horribly but if I defend myself in like, then I’m the bad person. I feel guilty because my parents are old now but I also resent them so much. My mother wasn’t much better (and we don’t need to get into the physical abuse as a child due to her having zero frustration tolerance with five kids) but she also defends him as he does her yet will complain about each other separately. Such hypocrites. All I ever wanted was a healthy family. I am always angry and depressed now and sometimes wish I was dead.
-
Eli
November 21st, 2021 at 12:00 PMI’m sorry this has happened. The world is unfair. I don’t understand how children who get rescued either thru adoption or foster care often times continue to be abused. The system is a failure, just like what has happened with those 13 Turpin children after they escaped such a horrific life. They have been victimized again and again. It’s hard to believe there is a God when some people have a horrible life from day one. You will be an adult who can choose your own path and cut off ties with them.
-
Linda
November 29th, 2021 at 2:35 PMAs a wife of sober alcoholic, life has by no means become a wish-granting factory, I’ve experienced some dream-come-true moments, as well as the fruition of most of my fears, but together, we’ve walked through each of them soberly and that fact remains front and center in my mind. Believe me, the moment you take action about what’s going on, is the day, you turn your life around. If you don’t know how to get to this point, check out this book – net-bossorg/how-to-help-an-alcoholic-you love
-
Avinash
January 8th, 2022 at 3:02 AMI hate my mom
i love my dad
my dads marry another wife when i was 4 my mum and my dads had divorce
my step mother do maltreat me and beat me i always feel to run away but i feel where would i live
any time i tell my dad he would say i will do something to it she even lie to my dad what i didn’t do.
i hate my mum and my step mom
i always wonder why i come to this life.
and am just 14 years. -
Jeremy
January 21st, 2022 at 1:56 PMMy mom I would like her to stop with this ridiculous bug nonsense right now saying about bugs that don’t even exist and to stop talking to me stay out of my room.
-
Gregory
January 31st, 2022 at 11:35 PMSometimes the lack of overt, physical or otherwise obvious abuse makes it hard to validate one’s feelings (or lack thereof) towards one’s parents. The classic logic of blood is thicker than water, they did the best they could, etc. throws even more stumbling blocks onto the journey of recovery. In my instance, the situation was further complicated by sibling dynamics (a twin, middle child, with big age gaps). I’m pretty introspective and a well-adjusted person overall, but it wasn’t until the death of my father when I started to truly unpack my feelings. The death of my mother allowed me to repack them. It doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally catch myself standing in front of those boxes staring at the labels. Sometimes we realize we forgot to pack something away and have to go back and redo something. It takes continual effort to keep things straight. You won’t always find the validation you think you need, but logically moving through your experiences, thoughts and feelings (and perhaps writing them down) will get you well on the way. I like the part that mentioned the healthiest of people are the ones seeking treatment. I often felt I was the only one trying to clean up the toxicity in our family. I failed but I will survive. Thank you for the article.
-
SADFACE
February 18th, 2022 at 9:18 PMMY MOM ALWAYS HATE ME SINCE I WAS A KID SHE NEVER TREAT ME AS HER CHILD. SHE ALWAYS LOOKING AT MY BAD SIDES AND THE WRONG THINGS IM DOING NOT TO THE GOOD ONE. I TRY PROVING MY SELF BEING GOOD TO HER BUT IN THE END SHE ALWAYS ACTS IM NOT ONE OF HER CHILD. I ALWAYS WISH TO GET LOST I DONT BELONG TO THEM. MAYBE IM JUST AN ORPHAN I GUESS 🙂
-
Precious
February 21st, 2022 at 10:40 AMMy parents made me hate my self.dad said he hates me n m his worst daughter on earth.he hates me so does my family.he had gaven me marks n torn my dress in public.d day he tore my dress while i was preparing for school at age 15.
My boyfriend bought me a phone on my 17th birthday,and i lost my v to him.i nva wanted to tel my dad abt the gift,bt my bro decieved me.
I told dad abt it n he siezed it knowing it hurts,from october til december he gave it out to my brother without my consent.he caused me pains.broke my heart n had made me had an attack,sick.
My family abuses me -
Seokjin
May 8th, 2022 at 3:43 AMSame here….I am 13. My mother often creates scenes and scolds my elder sister almost every time. I’m always stuck between both of them!! Mom has stopped talking to us and behaves very rudely. I am also kinda irritated by them. I feel like suiciding or leaving my house. She’s always concerned about my marks and she beats me if I score 19/20!!!! She always has high expectations from me and wants me to listen to her. But I am afraid to behave rude with my mother so I always hide my feelings…Please suggest what should I do???
-
Maya
May 24th, 2022 at 2:00 PMI hate my mother for removing my capacity for empathy towards her. I was too forgiving for too long, and she exploited that completely, she took every inch. I have been pushed beyond my own limits, and forced to either become someone I did not want to be, or be completely broken. She is addicted to destroying me, and even now when I have cut all contact, she destroys me by destroying my sister. She is sick, perverse and evil. I will be relieved when she dies – how awful does that sound? It is a feeling I cannot escape, it is a feeling I dislike myself for, but it is her doing entirely. Sometimes I wonder if she wants me to hate her, trying to pursuade me to love her again so that she can take me back through the cycle and watch me learn to hate her all over again. This is the rollercoaster I spent most of my life on, and I have chosen to get off. If I alllow myself not to hate her, I fear I will be back on the rollercoaster. Perhaps that is why I look forward to her death – I will be able to stop hating her without that fear.
-
mark
September 23rd, 2022 at 6:05 AMIt’s not that I really hate my parents,but I do remember my mother who was an old fashioned school teacher and I always had to be with her disciplined and always have good school marks too! Otherwise she whipped me with the french Martinet ( in English a leather flogger)! either on my buttocks or my naked ass! I can assure you that on the handle of the martinet they were 12 thin strips of leather about 35cm long! and they did really sting me!At that period we were in the 1970’s and practicly every mother who had boys and girls they whipped them frequently with it ! and after that you couldn’t even sit down even on a chair ,but as I said before this was the usual thing dished out by mothers here in France! Plus as for school clothes up to 16 years old our mothers chose for us ,we had nothing to say!Like me for Instance,I had to wear for school and at home ,short trousers with large leather end braces,plus nylon buttoned overalls,a beret, and like all the boys my mother shaved my head every month ,and that’s the way it was !You had nothing to say ,because if you did , straight away you were whipped with the Martinet bare ass!Concerning the number of strokes the minimum was 10 strokes ,and very hard too!and for more serious matters it could go up tu 20! Plus when the mothers met either on their doorsteps or on the street It was the one who would boast ,that she had the best Martinet to whip and discipline her children! As for the girls a part from not shaving their heads like us the boys ,thet too had to wear everyday white socks,tergal pleated skirts with buttoned straps,a nylon buttonned overall,plus a beret and up till 16 just like us !But even today quite a lot of people agree that in that era the children were much better disciplined and learned better too at school ,and that they regret the time when not only we had to wear all this ,but we were whipped practicly everyday by them with their Martinet !
-
Oluwafunmilayo
September 24th, 2022 at 8:40 AMAll have learnt is that hurt people hurt others, am grateful for my family, learnt that too, Though am hurt, I believe Ave also hurt them in a way too.only God in us is our perfection. My pain taught me life and empathy, it okay to be human but it better to live for God. God is Love
-
carmen
December 15th, 2022 at 12:55 PMMe too even as a teenage girl in the 80’s My mother still used to whip my buttocks and bare a** with the Martinet ,a matter of fact the question is ,who was’nt whipped by mothers Martinets?!in that era?!Plus as I said also before me we all the other boys and girls had to wear our nylon buttoned overalls,wich could be buttoned in front,on the side or even in the back but always with big plastic butttons!Our mothers too also wore their long and large nylon overalls too with their big butttons in front ,like my mother her’s was a very long yellow nylon overall buttoned up with huge black plastic buttons to shut it!’in the front with huge pockets on the front ,where thet usualy put heir Martinets inside ,so as you can see you were whippend very hardly in a jiffy either on your legs,on your buttocks and even bare a** too n after tha tyou could’nt sit down even on a chair for a couple od days correctly ! But it was like a kind of fashion ,because as far as I know every house hold had at least one or even two Martinets to whip all the girls and boys even teenagers ,Because you could be whipped because like mine were very long one’s and buttoned in the back with big and large plastic buttons in this manner ,so you could’nt getnthem off and as we were so ashamed We dared asking somebody to unbutton your buttons to get it off! But in the 1950’s 60’s 70’snand even the 80’sthat’s how things were here in France in that long period!
-
mark
December 22nd, 2022 at 12:36 AMI would like to have another say if you don’t mind ,of a true story that happended to me and my 2 sisters! we were in 1976 and at that time on wednesdays we never had school but on saturday mornings we did,wich had always seemed a bit funny to me! So automaticly all 3 of us we had to wear again our nylon overalls,at that time our mother had bought all 3 of us each a long navy blue nylon overall buttoned in the back with none less than 10 big plastic buttons too!+ even I was 16 years old and my 2 sisters 13 and 8 years old we also wore short pants with large pant suspenders wich were always pulled up high by our mother,at such an extent that we could’nt even bend down properly!or go to the toilettes alone at school with all of nylon overalls buttoned in the back + our large elastic pant suspenders,but that’s the way our mother wanted to see us + it was very easy to whip our buttocks with the Martinet aswell ,because all she had to do is just lift up our nylon buttoned overalls!suspenders too,!When I did have to go to toilet like my sisters ,we had to ask a teacher to Undo everything ,and put it back again ,wich did ‘nt bother them too much,on the contrary they liked it ,and me at the age of 16 still being dressed like a little boy ,it did embarrass me,but that’s the way it was! and all the French mothers were the same ,because thetyput allot of this stuff on their boys and girls and once again if ever you complained you got whipped instantly by your mothers who were all like us in their very long and very large nylon buttoned overalls too,and without saying anything bad some mothers were really tall and fat and with their nylon overalls they looked huge and Impressive,in those days there was no Regime, or Diet!and you ass whiipings you felt them beleive me!,and one day in the middle of the school playground there was an oak tree and betwenn boys we boasted wich one couls reach the top of it!,Oh sure imanaged it ,but came down in a terrible state ,espcially that I could not have any free mouvement with my legs ,because of all those big overall plastic button were Imprisoning my legs ,but I managed to get to the top! But as I said before my sisters told me when mummy is going to see you in such a state ,you’ll have the whipping of your life, wich in fact I did ,my butt was so sore that I could’nt sit down on a chair for over a week,but at that time I was maybe still foolish Finaly all 3 of us me and my sisters we continued always wearing for another 2 years our usual outfit and receiving mmmmmMartnet whipings from our mother ,so boy do I remember!
-
AS
January 23rd, 2023 at 3:35 PMReading these comments brings a level of relief. I don’t just hate one parent, I hate both. My parents physically, emotionally, and mentally abused me as far back as I can remember. I was four years old when I my dad gave me my first black eye. I remember the day clearly; my parents were having family over, and they didn’t want anyone to see my black eye. They had me stay in my room and pretend to be sick. They even trained me to lie about it. I went to the dentist and I remember her asking me what happened. Right on cue, like a trained puppy, I said I walked into a door. I used to think it was my fault and thought this was normal. It isn’t normal and it wasn’t my fault. I am a mom now, and my daughter was once four years old. I have never laid a hand on her. Try imagining what awful thing a four year old can do that deserved that. I can’t and never will. The beatings continued over the years. My brother and I got horrifically and inhumanely beat. I was put in a foster home by child protective services in second grade, as my cousin filed a complaint, since my mom decided it was okay to slap her too. Even after we were reunited with our family, they never stopped. I grew up sad, lonely, miserable, had zero friends, was bullied at school, and had no identity. I am shocked no one at my schools saw this over the years. My dad used to hit my mom, too. My mom never stood up for herself or her children. She would hit me, pull my hair, call me names (kuti in Hindi. means female dog; thought that was my middle name growing up), and would tell me wait till your dad comes home. I was always scared of my dad. He used to call me fat as a child and force me to run at the park, even pushing me from behind. If I spilt a glass of milk, my mom hit me. If I missed a corner while dusting, my dad beat me. Never correct me, showed me the correct way to do, just swiftly moved to punishing. Fists, belts, wooden spoons, 2×4, you name it, it was a weapon. My dad once choked me with a rope and all my mom could say “you are gonna kill her.” Didn’t stop him. To teach me a lesson to never lie again. I lied cause I was afraid of them. I have to tell you even when I got my period, my mom didn’t give me any privacy and asked me to lay down and she wiped my crotch for me. I was flipping 12 years old! I had no clue what a period was. In the Indian community, puberty and body changes aren’t discussed in healthy manner. You are shamed and embarrassed for changes you have no control over. I had no autonomy over my own body. My parents would tell me I was ungrateful, since they went to work all day, and I was not good enough. I have so many memories of being hit. Now, I am 45 years old. I am a mom and adore my daughter and I have never laid a hand on her. I broke the intergenerational trauma. My daughter now has a head start in life. A healthy, normal one. I was supposed to have an arranged marriage; after watching my dad hit my mom over the years, and I saw it in other marriages in my family as well. I went no way. The one thing I did right, was standing my ground, and refusing to marry whom they wanted me to marry. I married for love. I am happily married to the love of my life. He dotes on me and our daughter. He has never laid a hand on me or our daughter.
My mom died and now my dad is trying to guilt me into moving closer to him, to help take care of him. My brother went onto to become a meth addict and live a horrible life. He has my dad to thank for his addiction. One of the things my brother said to me in a psychosis was “do you know what it feels like to be in fourth grade, and your legs are trembling as you are walking home, cause you know you will get a beating for getting a low grade on your report card.” That came from a man who was 28 years old at that time. Fear destroys your soul. Now, my dad is saying garbage like “I fed you, clothed you, took you to school, etc.” My answer to that? Your kids don’t owe you for doing what parents are supposed to do. They are not indebted to you no matter the indoctrination you subject them to as children. Don’t have children if you are expecting a payout. Its funny to me; the man who never once hugged his children, said he loved them or showed them any affection, now wants love in his elderly years. To bad for him, I don’t know how to give it to him. Nor do I want to. I hope he dies a lonely man. I used to mourn my mom and didn’t know why. I now understand I clung to the one parent who showed me some kind of affection even if it was barely there. Children look for attachment to their caregivers, even if it an abusive one.
I wish I could go back and have a re-do. Be a happy kid. But you learn the hard way, there are no re-dos. What matters now, is my daughter is free of the intergenerational abuse and trauma. That makes my heart soar.
-
Kibet
April 24th, 2023 at 4:21 AMWhy do you bear children that you know they are going to suffer,,,,why bear children to go through the pain that you went through,,,,why do parents make their children suffer he rest if their life,,,,and this is what i went through my parents have never loved never loved me ,,,and one of the painful moments that made me hate myself is that i finished my high school and i was supposed to go to university,,but my parents were so ignorant even my older brothers and sisters were not even bothered to take me to university,,,most of the time they say that even business is good ,,,,,,i can’t tell everything ,,, because my family members are so favoured alot ,,i really hate my parents alot especially my father who has been belittling me since as a young boy,,
-
bajrang
July 15th, 2023 at 8:49 AMi hate my parents because they bully me
Leave a Comment
By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.
