Help! My Husband Wants to Go Back to School, Not Work

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m a wife, mother of two, and have a great career in the legal field. I’ve been supporting my husband since we got married three years ago while he finished his degree, which he did nine months ago. The plan was for him to start his own career after he graduated, but he has had no success finding a suitable job and is quickly losing hope for finding work in the field he studied.

He has a history of depression, and I think he is quite depressed. The only types of jobs he can get right now are for minimum wage doing things like janitorial work. He is unwilling to do that type of work out of concern it will kill his spirits and make it harder for him to get a job he really wants.

Instead of focusing what little energy he has on finding the job he wants, now he’s talking about going BACK to school to study something else with better career prospects. Needless to say, I’m not too keen on this plan, as I didn’t think I was signing up to be the sole breadwinner for the first five to seven years of our marriage, if not longer. It’s starting to feel like he’s taking me for granted and instead should be redoubling his efforts to put the degree he just attained to use.

I think he expects me to go along with his new plan. It’s true that I can afford to provide for the family by myself indefinitely, but that doesn’t sit well with me and it doesn’t feel fair or reasonable. I am afraid to bring up my true feelings about this out of fear it will worsen his depression and sense of hopelessness. His mental health seems precarious as it is.

He’s a good father despite not being my children’s biological dad. He’s a good husband, too, aside from this ongoing saga. I just don’t know what to do. I want to be with him, but I don’t know if I’m willing to go down this road again. I don’t want to resent him, but it feels, in a way, like I have three children. What do you think? —Sugar Mama

Dear Sugar Mama,

It sounds like you and your husband BOTH may be depressed, and you appear to be somewhat angry, too, about his inability to find a decent job and help support the family. I feel for you both. It’s hard to carry this load alone, as you have been doing for three years already. I imagine it’s hard for him to be carried by you, too, and to not be able to find suitable work.

I don’t know what kind of career he has in mind for himself, but it is true that some fields are slow starters. Maybe he’s thinking he made the wrong choice for himself professionally and wants to correct this mistake. Maybe you’re thinking you made the wrong romantic choice and want to correct that, too. At the very least, you feel burdened.

You are afraid to talk to your husband about your fears. I understand your concerns, but communication is a top priority in a deep relationship. Learning how to discuss difficult things together is part of learning how to get along with each other. It will serve your relationship well both now and in the future.

Despite his real problems work-wise, you state he is a good father to your children, even though they are not biologically his, and he is a good husband to you. These are priceless gifts. His ability to be caring, loving, and nurturing are important contributions to a happy family life.

You are afraid to talk to your husband about your fears. I understand your concerns, but communication is a top priority in a deep relationship. Learning how to discuss difficult things together is part of learning how to get along with each other. It will serve your relationship well both now and in the future.

I wonder if you have each considered counseling. Your husband might benefit from consulting with a career counselor, and it sounds like you both could benefit from couples counseling and perhaps individual therapy, too. Your family seems strong aside from this issue, certainly worth working to save, in spite of your resentful feelings. Love is a great and important gift. If talking this through with your husband (with or without a counselor present) would help preserve your marriage, consider it an investment in your family.

This is a decision you must make together. If you both want to stay together, or if you’re deciding on perhaps parting, please act to find counselors or social workers who can help you with this choice. Professional help can allow space and clarity to make any important decisions.

Marriages need to be cared for by both partners, but sometimes outside circumstances don’t favor family life—in fact, it can seem like they conspire against you. I hope you’ll do everything you can, together, to prevail. Silent resentment never works.

Good luck and take care,
Lynn

Lynn Somerstein

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT is a Manhattan-based, licensed psychotherapist with more than 30 years in private practice. She is also a yoga teacher and student of Ayuveda—the Indian science of wellness. Her main interest is in helping people find healthy ways of living, loving, and working in the particular combination that works best for them, connecting to their deepest energic source so their full range of abilities can be expressed. Lynn's specialty is understanding and alleviating anxiety and depression.