Help! I Can’t Seem to Forgive Myself for How I Treated My Ex
Dear Broken Up,
Your very sad story is touching. You’re worried that you’ve wasted four years of your life and clearly miss the man who was your partner, and you long for the good times you spent together. Nevertheless, your memories of the good are almost buried in your regret. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist to help yourself grow and develop and learn how to hold onto the good, so you can learn to care for yourself and how to take care of yourself, too, and become a better partner. It’s apparent to me that you have accepted responsibility for your role in the way things ended, and that shows growth.
Part of human development is learning to accept yourself and your actions, your history, and use it as a springboard to move forward in your life. As your therapist says, forgiving yourself is essential. Once you do that, it’s time to shut the door on it. You cannot return to your past.
Clinging to the past and especially to regrets about your behavior may feel unconsciously like a way to cling to the person who was once your partner, but in fact it’s only a memory you’re attached to.
You seem preoccupied with thoughts about how your partner thinks of you now. You’re worried that the bad times will outweigh the good ones, and the good will be forgotten. This may or not be so for him—we don’t really know that—but what we can be sure about is what your feelings are. You can remember the good and the bad that you both experienced, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and move on. The best testament to the good times you enjoyed in your relationship is the ability to hold onto the good and go forward with your life. The past has a vote, not a veto. It can vote to show you better paths in the future, but it cannot have veto power over the rest of your life.
After some time of healing and mourning, I hope you will be ready to move on and use all you have learned to forge a new relationship filled with compassion and love for yourself and the person who becomes your next partner, if and when you choose to pursue another relationship.
Clinging to the past and especially to regrets about your behavior may feel unconsciously like a way to cling to the person who was once your partner, but in fact it’s only a memory you’re attached to. The person has gone away, and you deserve something real, solid, and present.
I wish you patience and success as you continue your journey with your therapist.
Take care,
Lynn
Lynn Somerstein
- 11 comments
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Xavier
January 22nd, 2016 at 8:32 AMu can’t beat urself up forever
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Breanna
January 23rd, 2016 at 12:50 PMI know exactly how u feel. I have been in that same spot before and even though u know it is a solution for the best that still doesn’t make it easy. Best of luck as u work through this!
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Alec
January 25th, 2016 at 8:54 AMThis was not a waste of time for either of you if you both have learned and have something that you can take away from it that was helpful. Never think of it as a waste, just as a chance that you then used to learn something new.
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Tami
January 26th, 2016 at 3:46 PMHoney you will never be able to have a future if you continue to live in the past.
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brad
January 28th, 2016 at 8:08 AMIt wasn’t that you were not the woman he needed you to be, you either are something or you are not, so look at it like this. The two of you were not meant to be together and there is nothing wrong with that./ You shouldn’t feel guilty about the fact that the two of you were not the right fit for each other. You would rather find that out now than you would later, and so would he.
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Alyssa H
January 29th, 2016 at 10:49 AMWe can all sit here all day long and tell you that you need to let it go and forgive yourself but until you are ready to do this then nothing that we say is going to change how you feel. I would start the process by looking at whether you actually did something wrong or if what you are feeling is simply guilt or another feeling like that. If you did something wrong then of course own up to it and apologize. That is the best that you can do and if he accepts fine, and if not, then that is something that he will need to work on for himself. But you shouldn’t punish yourself for the rest of your life over something that is bet left in the past.
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taylor
January 30th, 2016 at 2:30 PMIt could be that he keeps bringing things up just to make you continue feeling bad?
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R Jones
February 18th, 2016 at 2:15 PMI would not dwell in the past. It never gets you anywhere except filled with regret.
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Mitzi
February 21st, 2016 at 4:16 PMIt sounds like you need to talk with him in order to get closure and move on, even if you make contact in a letter or email. It sounds like you are drowning in guilt that is driving your feelings, and is of the chemical imbalance nature. I pray that you will be able to resolve it soon. Don’t let anybody tell you to NOT contact him, because the pain that comes from having to work through your unresolved feelings alone, with no contact with him, will take a lot of time and be a miserable process. I’ve grieved like that two times in my life, wasting 2 years of my precious life, twice, over 2 different guys—all because it wasn’t resolved with him at the time. God bless you in finding your peace. Remember, “This, too, shall pass.” Turn to the scriptures for incredible words that will help explain your situation and feelings, as well as give you the advice and peace on how to get through this. BEST of luck to you, sweet lady.
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Jasmine
April 12th, 2022 at 9:33 AMI did thid before getting married and hid it from others. Ever since my relationship ended last year, I have been ravaged and consumed by guilt. He broke up with me in part because I was unwilling to go to therapy with him. I have long dealt with depression and anxiety that meds have never helped, my issues put a strain on our relationship, and I basically wasn’t the partner he needed me to be. I had very little energy toward the end of our relationship. I resisted everything, didn’t want to do anything, didn’t do my part around the house, put my needs first, and even lied at times to manipulate situations so they were more comfortable for me. I have since been in therapy and come to understand and even empathize with his decision to break up with me, but at the time, it felt like my world came crashing down. I felt abandoned when I needed him most, and I was angry. I said and did things I am deeply ashamed of, things that aren’t consistent with my true character—nothing violent, but I scared him, without really even meaning to. He cut me out of his life completely at that point. I feel like I ruined any positive memories he may have carried with him of our time together.
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Rich
March 9th, 2023 at 11:05 AM@Xavier Wrong. I was married 14 years and 30 years after the divorce there doesn’t pass a day I am not reminded of what a dick I was to a woman who did not deserve any of it. To put it into perspective, I was married a second time for seven years and treated that wife much better. I have no regrets about the way I treated her (I learned from the mistakes of the first marriage) but she was an alcoholic and it didn’t work out. So, to sum it up. I treated a woman like shit for 14 years and we’re still on speaking terms. She even wishes me happy birthday even though she’s been remarried these 30 years and I just turned 63. The second wife holds a grudge and for what? I could not tell you. The son we had is 23 years old and knows she’s f***ed up. But yeah, you can beat yourself up forever. Right up until my last breath.
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