I am having trouble getting past the breakup of my marriage. I truly want to be in a better place, and I’m tired of grieving a loss that seems to mean a lot more to me than to him. Frankly, I am not sure I would ever be able to feel safe in a relationship again because of how everything played out. I thought I was married to a kind and loving husband. I was happy in the marriage, and I thought he was, too. He certainly gave the appearance of being happy and in love. He regularly told me he loved me and told me I was beautiful. He would send me cute little videos from his iPhone while at work and other sweet things. He had not mentioned any problems with me or our relationship prior to ending it, so I had no idea it was coming. I sent him a text one day asking where he was, and he said he was out shopping for school supplies for his son and that he was thinking about our relationship and it was not positive. I asked him what he meant, and he said we were not blossoming. I asked him to explain further, but he just repeated it like I should understand. That was it, and I have not seen or heard from him since. It has been over three months now. This is not behavior I would have ever expected from him. Is this a midlife crisis thing or what? I am so heartbroken and confused. I keep trying to figure out what I missed. I feel like a disposable razor, just tossed away without any consideration. -- Feeling Discarded
After a brief and shocking text message, your husband disappeared! Your letter describing these events leaves me feeling as confused as you undoubtedly were when you reached your husband, asked him where he was, and he told you that the two of you “were not blossoming.” You asked him what he meant and he didn’t explain; he simply repeated himself, as though he expected you to read his mind, to understand him and his behavior, with no discussion or meeting involved.
I wonder how long you were married. Also, was his appearance of “being happy and in love” an act entirely, or did he sometimes mean it when he told you he loved you? Were the “cute little videos” he sent you all a game? Is he a con man? Or does he have serious emotional problems?
I don’t know if you will ever be able to figure out what really happened, however much you keep trying. You were happy, you thought he was too—and then he vanished into thin air, leaving you to wonder if you even knew what was real and what wasn’t in your relationship. Who wouldn’t feel “heartbroken and confused”? I wonder if you might feel angry, too, over this callous treatment.
You say that you haven’t heard from him in over three months. I suppose if he were to turn up, you would want an explanation, at the very least, if you were even willing to see him at all, but I’m not sure he could ever say anything that would be adequate to explain what really happened, and then to make this up to you. It might, as you say, be a symptom of midlife crisis, but it is an extreme symptom.
You feel like a “disposable razor” that has been “tossed away.” Your husband seems to have tossed away his own life, too, and all that he shared with you, treating your relationship and you like a throwaway. The entire scenario sounds like something out of a mystery movie.
I’m not sure if you will ever figure this mystery out; what’s more important is where you will go next, how you will organize your life to make sure that you experience security as well as the joy that you deserve.
Are there other people in your life who you trust and have known for a long time? Do you feel that you can be real and safe with them? Will they offer you much-needed support? This experience with your disappeared husband is so unusual; you can almost bet that nothing like this will ever happen again.
Perhaps your best path would be to put this strange and painful experience behind you and travel toward a better and more secure future. It might be a good idea to join a therapy group or to work with someone individually to help you regain your self-confidence and ability to trust.
I wish you a safe, sound journey.