Everything Seemed Great … Until My Husband Blindsided Me by Text
I am having trouble getting past the breakup of my marriage. I truly want to be in a better place, and I’m tired of grieving a loss that seems to mean a lot more to me than to him. Frankly, I am not sure I would ever be able to feel safe in a relationship again because of how everything played out. I thought I was married to a kind and loving husband. I was happy in the marriage, and I thought he was, too. He certainly gave the appearance of being happy and in love. He regularly told me he loved me and told me I was beautiful. He would send me cute little videos from his iPhone while at work and other sweet things. He had not mentioned any problems with me or our relationship prior to ending it, so I had no idea it was coming. I sent him a text one day asking where he was, and he said he was out shopping for school supplies for his son and that he was thinking about our relationship and it was not positive. I asked him what he meant, and he said we were not blossoming. I asked him to explain further, but he just repeated it like I should understand. That was it, and I have not seen or heard from him since. It has been over three months now. This is not behavior I would have ever expected from him. Is this a midlife crisis thing or what? I am so heartbroken and confused. I keep trying to figure out what I missed. I feel like a disposable razor, just tossed away without any consideration. -- Feeling Discarded
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Dear Feeling Discarded,
After a brief and shocking text message, your husband disappeared! Your letter describing these events leaves me feeling as confused as you undoubtedly were when you reached your husband, asked him where he was, and he told you that the two of you “were not blossoming.” You asked him what he meant and he didn’t explain; he simply repeated himself, as though he expected you to read his mind, to understand him and his behavior, with no discussion or meeting involved.
I wonder how long you were married. Also, was his appearance of “being happy and in love” an act entirely, or did he sometimes mean it when he told you he loved you? Were the “cute little videos” he sent you all a game? Is he a con man? Or does he have serious emotional problems?
I don’t know if you will ever be able to figure out what really happened, however much you keep trying. You were happy, you thought he was too—and then he vanished into thin air, leaving you to wonder if you even knew what was real and what wasn’t in your relationship. Who wouldn’t feel “heartbroken and confused”? I wonder if you might feel angry, too, over this callous treatment.
You say that you haven’t heard from him in over three months. I suppose if he were to turn up, you would want an explanation, at the very least, if you were even willing to see him at all, but I’m not sure he could ever say anything that would be adequate to explain what really happened, and then to make this up to you. It might, as you say, be a symptom of midlife crisis, but it is an extreme symptom.
You feel like a “disposable razor” that has been “tossed away.” Your husband seems to have tossed away his own life, too, and all that he shared with you, treating your relationship and you like a throwaway. The entire scenario sounds like something out of a mystery movie.
I’m not sure if you will ever figure this mystery out; what’s more important is where you will go next, how you will organize your life to make sure that you experience security as well as the joy that you deserve.
Are there other people in your life who you trust and have known for a long time? Do you feel that you can be real and safe with them? Will they offer you much-needed support? This experience with your disappeared husband is so unusual; you can almost bet that nothing like this will ever happen again.
Perhaps your best path would be to put this strange and painful experience behind you and travel toward a better and more secure future. It might be a good idea to join a therapy group or to work with someone individually to help you regain your self-confidence and ability to trust.
I wish you a safe, sound journey.
CyndiFebruary 15th, 2013 at 3:18 PM
Wow… she deserves to accurately discern authentic support, security, and joy in a professional therapeutic environment.
EarlineFebruary 15th, 2013 at 11:07 PM
First of all Please do not ponder as to what it was for too long.You are not going to be able to figure it out on your own.The only result of pondering too much would be continuous hurt and disappointment.
instead,try to look ahead and see how you can cope better.Thinking about the reason is not going to help.While it can be very hard to stop thinking because yes everybody does require an answer,I think it is best for you to not think too much about it right now.
JillFebruary 16th, 2013 at 6:22 AM
OMG who is this person who would do something so thoughtless and callous like this through a text?!
I am serious, run, don’t walk to the nearest divorce attorney and start some separation proceedings because that kind of blindside isn’t something that you should ever have to worry about from a man who loves you@!
Cuff linkFebruary 16th, 2013 at 10:20 AM
Sounds to me like a case of Narcissism. An undiagnosed PD which leaves their loved one confused and damaged. Number one advise when involved or left by someone with NPD, seek therapy and only look forward. Don’t look back- its not your fault. You were played. Learn how not to get sucked in again. You’ve just learned the damage they create. The bright side is YOU can get help and learn what to watch for. NPDs are stuck with their false made up selves.
RogerFebruary 17th, 2013 at 5:26 AM
There has to be something more to this story other than he just came up one day and said that things aren’t going to work out. I think that there has to be another woman or someone else, otherwise I don’t think that there are too many men who would have the nerve to just blindside someone that they “loved” like this. I know that it must hurt pretty bad right now- we have all had those relationships that have abruptly ended and we didn’t understand why at the time. But I think that eventually you might see that this was a good thing and be able to move on to someone who cares more about you than he does about himself.
MeFebruary 17th, 2013 at 5:33 PM
The same thing happened to me, more or less, after a ten year marriage. I am six months down the road, and I still wonder why, but I have to take care of myself now rather than focus on my ex. Litigation is pending, and it might take a year or two to get it all settled because the ex wants to take everything. As we are not legally married and in a lesbian relationship, this is possible. We did however contribute equally to our shared assets, and she had me played in not adding me to the title etc. by always insisting I trust her, and by controlling and dominating me for so many years. I am now trying to recover both my heart and my part of the assets, I want nothing else but what is mine. She’s a coward and I do believe she is mentally ill with NPD. Funny thing is, she would always accuse me of being mentally ill. I do have issues but have handled/managed them fairly well. And anything she told me she was afraid of, she did these things to me. She accused me of doing what she has now done.
I can’t know for certain, but after reviewing the pattern of behaviors in books and online, it’s the only thing that makes sense. She had just told my sister two weeks before the incident that I’m the one for her forever, unless I ever cheated on her. Which I never had done or would have done. I hope the pain fades, and you recover fully – you deserve it. You also must file for divorce to recover your assets. Take care, and all the best to you.
isabelFebruary 17th, 2013 at 11:47 PM
I know its not easy to cope with something like this. but think of it this way – he is someone who didn’t need a moment to end something as beautiful as marriage. does he really deserve the tears and feeling you are going through right now?I don’t think so.
HallmarkFebruary 18th, 2013 at 6:21 AM
Seems this story is too familar in the NPD and Anti-social PD scenario. Its all to common where HE ubruptly “just leaves” without explanation. It’s what they do. They don’t care they don’t look back they are incapable of apologizing because they don’t believe they did or can do wrong. They fabricate their stories, lives and personality just to fit in and get by. He did you a favor by “just leaving” – otherwise you would be exhausting yourself from pleasing and catering to him to make him stay. And just as Roger said, there must have been someone else. Most likely, he is correct. And the message your husband sent was hopefully his final head game. Stay true to yourself, love yourself and God Bless.
markFebruary 18th, 2013 at 9:29 AM
I agree with Roger.
There is something else there that he is not telling you.
Either it is that or he has tried in some way to show you before what kind of person he is and you have chosen to not see that in him.
People typically show us who and what they are but it is our fault when we refuse to see it and continue to wear those blinders that we think will keep us safe from the truth.
I am not sure that I would force the issue with him- why would you want to keep someone in your life who would treat you so callously?
BrendaFebruary 18th, 2013 at 5:07 PM
Your focus should be recovery.Let go of the memories and look forward.That man deserves no time to think about.You have to understand this.He is a coward who didn’t even have the decency to talk about it.Just let go of it and focus on your future,girl.All the best.
ArthurFebruary 19th, 2013 at 3:56 AM
He did all this to you via text? By text?! What a loser! Honey, let this one go and chalk it up to a bad experience. He ain’t worth all the heartache and trouble that he’s causing you.
BarbFebruary 19th, 2013 at 11:57 AM
Is there a possibility that something could have happened to him like a car wreck or something? Did you check with local police to make sure he is okay? That’d be awful if he was in a hospital somewhere and didn’t know who he was.
T DavisFebruary 19th, 2013 at 11:59 AM
People can be so strange. Just chalk this one up to experience and move on. Yeah, some therapy would probably help. Just don’t give up on love. It will happen one day for you when you least expect it. I wish all the best for you!
ClyveFebruary 19th, 2013 at 12:01 PM
While I think you do need to give love another chance, I do think you need to take some time-ok a lot of time-to be by yourself and heal from this one. Trusting someone again is going to take so much bravery and courage. You will have to find a great person worthy of your love and trust and recognizing signals of who that is or isn’t will also take some work.
FrancisFebruary 19th, 2013 at 12:06 PM
My heart just breaks for you. To think your marriage is a happy and stable one and for your husband to just banish into thin air? That must be so difficult to wrap your brain around. And, I know you must have been worried sick in those initial hours and days when you didn’t hear from him. You mentioned that he has a son. Is it possible to contact the son’s mother (assuming it isn’t you of course) and find out if this behavior is typical. I realize that not all relationships with a spouse’s x lend themselves to these sorts of conversations. But, if yours does, it could give you some answers you seek. Or, you could contact a parent, friend, cousin, etc. of your “husband” and see what they have to say.
DonFebruary 19th, 2013 at 12:10 PM
You are definitely not a disposable razor! You are a warm and caring person. I can tell just by reading your letter and the care you obvioulsly have for this man despite the way he has treated you. Remember-this is HIS problem, not yours. Do not take ownership for it. Sure, no one is perfect in a marriage and we all make mistakes. But, NOBODY deserves that sort of treatment. Chin up!
SylviaFebruary 19th, 2013 at 11:34 PM
the last part about self confidence is so important. pretty sure the person who wrote in would feel battered and her self confidence would be low after an episode as brutal as this one. she needs to look at how she can help herself and repair the wounds rather than going back into the depths of sadness and confusing to harm herself.
Although that is the automatic and easier thing to do it will invariable end up harming her even more and will delay her recovery. i wish her all the best and hope she makes the right choice- of looking ahead rather than looking back.
LeightonFebruary 20th, 2013 at 4:11 AM
wow texting and email is great until it is used against you in a way that deosn’t make it feel that great at all! i find that a lot of people have taken to texting to do things that are uncomfortable when they don’t want to face the music. pretty much the cowardly thing to do
chloeFebruary 21st, 2013 at 10:38 AM
I feel like there has to be something there about him that you missed- and i don’t say this as pointing to you to get the blame! What he did was so wrong and dismissive- do you know if he had ever disappeared from the world before with another person or at another time? i mean, none of that really matters now, but maybe there would be someone else from a former life who might could help you out with some answers. Gosh, this has to be so hard to face or to even ask for help with, but I am honestly stumped and would have no idea at all what I would do if something like this ever happened to me!
KWFebruary 21st, 2013 at 11:22 PM
DO you really think you will feel better if he does come over and explain things to you? While it may soothe you temporarily what you need to realize is that the things that matters most – of his true feelings and commitment to the marriage – have become revealed to you. You have been saved from further cheating by this terrible person who could have caused even greater emotional harm to you.
alecFebruary 22nd, 2013 at 11:36 PM
my girlfriend walked out of the relationship without a reason over an year ago and it still makes me wonder and makes me sad.I can only imagine what you are going through.
sometimes all were looking for is an answer is an explanation.but I guess some people cannot even respect others so much and they walk out without a hint.I know they dont deserve the feeling and the tears but sometimes things can be hard.
my advice to you would be to stay with someone you are close to,be it friends or family.do not stay alone at this point in time as it will only push you deeper into darkness.my best wishes are with you.
Pete WallaceFebruary 25th, 2013 at 4:00 AM
this sounds kinda weird, like my uncle who did something similar, and he has a personality disorder
Barbara FarisMarch 17th, 2013 at 11:31 AM
As crazy as it may seem, my relationship with my ex after 21 years ended in a surprise as well. However he was emotionally distant most of our marriage because he thought people should be tough skinned, but I was sticking it out. The point is – even though your relationship was seemingly a good one, the questions are the same when someone suddenly decides a relationship isn’t working and they leave. The other person ends up grieving and wanting closure with some kind of explanation. After five years of asking the same questions you are asking after three months, my advice is to GET AN ATTORNEY to protect yourself and don’t make any LIFE changing decisions for at least 6 months. You have to give yourself time to overcome the shock and get your mind to begin thinking of how to take care of yourself and your future. If he returns and tries to tell you there will be a friendship, make sure you do all you can to get your affairs in order before re-entering into a relationship again – with anyone. Lastly – seek help from a professional and if you have a supportive church program – use this as well. Getting the support you need to sort through your life will help you to make good decisions for your future and give you hope again. Best of luck to you.
BlindOctober 19th, 2014 at 9:01 AM
Did he ever express any needs he wasn’t getting? Were there any unresolved issues? It seems odd to leave without an explanation unless he feels that he can’t save his marriage.
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