Creating Rituals to Move Through Grief
June 27th, 2011
By Karla Helbert, MS, LPC, Grief, Loss, and Bereavement Topic Expert Contributor
We humans like things to stay the same. Even if we are open to change, change can be very difficult. There is nothing more disruptive than the death of someone you love, someone whose existence is part and parcel to your own. When those people die, we are left floundering. That person may be your child, your husband or wife, your companion, your friend, your sister, or your brother. The depth and breadth of your grief depends on the connectedness you feel to the person who has died—your spiritual, emotional, or physical connectedness, and often, your perception of your very existence. The more intertwined your life with a person, the more affected you are by your experience of grief when that person dies.
When someone you love dies, you experience deep, soul-wrenching pain. Your life changes. You change. Everything changes. Things are very different than you thought they would be. Yes, it hurts terribly. But there is nothing wrong with you. Grief is not pathological. Grief is normal. It totally sucks, but it is normal. Grief is a part of life—a very painful, difficult part of life. And it flat out just sometimes sucks, but it is normal. There are things you can do to help grief along its way; one thing I believe can be the most helpful is to engage in ritual.
What Is a Ritual?
Rituals are actions done in purposeful ways that symbolize something much more than the acts themselves. Rituals are made up of actions that represent ideas, thoughts, myths, or beliefs about a particular thing. Rituals give purpose to action and always serve to connect us to something else, generally something greater than our own solitary selves. We may engage in ritual as we seek peace, clarity of mind, or to become more grounded. We may seek connectedness to family, a particular person, our culture, society, traditions, ancestors, or even to our own selves.
We perform mini-rituals daily. Most of us have a specific routine associated with preparing for bed each night; we may wear a particular piece of jewelry or clothing for specific occasions; or we may make our beds each morning. We might repeat a particular phrase when we make a toast, or perhaps we close our texts or emails in a certain way. Whether small or elaborate, the rituals we engage in tell stories about who we are, who we want to be, and what is important to us in our lives. Your own rituals may be derived from your family, culture, ethnicity, or a particular religious or spiritual tradition. No matter what story they tell, rituals always provide structure, meaning, and connectedness.
Perhaps the most significant thing that rituals provide is a certain order to an existence that otherwise might be full of confusion and chaos. Human life is full of confusion and uncertainty and, undoubtedly, the most chaotic times in our lives are the times when we are grieving. Grief is chaos. Times of grief are when we need ritual most. Unfortunately, in our society there are few rituals that are specifically designed for grieving people, aside from the funeral or memorial service. These are necessary and helpful, but grieving people need more than a couple of rituals to help quell the deep chaos the death of a loved one can bring.
Create Your Own Rituals
Creating your own personal rituals to remember your loved ones allows you to access and work through your grief in a safe and constructive way. Some people plan rituals in honor of a loved one’s birthday or an anniversary. Others choose to express their grief through small daily or weekly rituals. A ritual can be as elaborate as a public memorial service or as small as a quiet moment alone with your loved one’s picture. Some examples of small rituals include:
- Lighting a candle at certain special times of the day or week to remind you of your loved one (for example, at dinnertime to represent sharing meals with him or her)
- Creating a memory scrapbook and filling it with photographs, letters, postcards, notes, or other significant memorabilia from your life together
- Spending time listening to your loved one’s favorite music or creating a special mix of music that reminds you of that person
- Watching his or her favorite movie
- Planting a tree or flowers in your loved one’s memory
- Making a donation to a charity that your loved one supported
- Visiting your loved one’s burial site
- Carrying something special that reminds you of your loved one that you can take out and hold when you feel the need
- Creating a work of art in your loved one’s memory
- Preparing and eating a special meal in honor of your loved one
- Developing a memorial ritual for your loved one on special days or whenever you wish
Some people engage in the smaller, spontaneous rituals listed above on a regular basis. You may do something similar, or you might choose to create a more structured ritual. You may decide to create a special ritual only one time, or you might decide to hold your ritual (or some version of it) on a regular basis—daily, weekly, monthly, or on special days like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, or other special occasions.
When selecting activities for a more structured grief ritual, choose specific things to mark the opening and the closing of your ritual:
- Light a special candle used only for your ritual purposes
- Light some incense
- Read or say aloud an inspirational verse, poem, or prayer
- Sing a song
- Chant
- Play a particular selection of music
- Ring a chime or a bell
Clearly marking the beginning and the end of the ritual will help you transition into a different frame of mind at the opening, and it will signal that it is time to shift consciousness back to the mundane at the closing.
Remain Open: Do What Feels Comfortable to You
Before starting the ceremony, take a few deep breaths to center yourself. Remember that it is okay if you cry. This is your space and time to express your grief in whatever ways you need to do so. If all you can do is cry during your planned ritual time, most likely, that is what you need to do. Whatever happens in between the opening and closing of the ritual is completely up to you. You can have an activity planned, or you may be the sort of person who feels more comfortable planning nothing at all. Perhaps you’ll choose to do whatever you are moved to do once you are in the ritual space—you might wish to simply sit quietly for as long as you need to, listen to music, spend time crying, look through photos of your loved one, meditate, pray, or read some healing literature or a sacred text. It is okay to remain open and do whatever comes to you in the moment.
Sometimes you may feel the need to communicate something to your loved one. The sacred, safe space of a ritual is an ideal place to do this. When you need to communicate, you may choose to speak aloud, meditate on your thoughts silently, or write your thoughts in a letter. Consider incorporating the burning, burying, or floating of the letter that you write in a future ritual.
You may simply feel the need to release energy in your ritual space. Yell, scream, or cry as much as you need to. If you’re working through feelings of anger in your grief, keep pillows nearby that you can hit, punch, or throw. Tearing and ripping paper or stomping cardboard boxes can also help release anger. You may wish to include some movement, dance, or vocal expression such as singing, chanting, or yelling. You might want to beat on a drum or play some other instrument to release energy and emotion through sound.
Consider Inviting Others
You can conduct your grief rituals alone or with others. Your ritual could be an ideal time to share your grief with friends and family members grieving the same loss. If you invite others to join your ritual, you may wish to ask each person to share something about your lost loved one—a memory, story, or thought. Ask guests to bring something to read or share as part of the ritual, and invite them to participate in any ritual activity you develop, such as chanting, drumming, or letter-writing.
Continue Your Ritual as Needed
Conduct your grief rituals for as long and as often as you need to. As you heal, you may find that your need to engage in ritual for your grief will wane. Continuing to maintain some of your small rituals, such as continuing to carry your loved one’s photograph or wearing a particular sentimental piece of jewelry may serve you. Your more elaborate rituals may change over time, or you may feel the need to hold them only on special occasions, such as birthdays or anniversaries. If you have created a shrine or altar that you have used in your rituals or kept in your home, you may find that you wish to make changes to it over time. This is okay, too. The changes mean that your personal process through grief is progressing, and your rituals have helped you move from chaos and pain to wholeness and stability.
I hope that this has helped you think about ritual and how you might use it as you move through your own grief process. Please feel free to comment about how ritual has helped you, what kinds of ritual activity has helped you—large or small—and what your thoughts are on engaging in ritual to help us move toward healing.
Read More
Grief, Mourning, and Loss: Healthy Ways of Coping
Grief Mythology
Therapy As a Sacred Ritual
©Copyright 2011 by Karla Helbert, MS, LPC, therapist in Richmond, VA. All Rights Reserved.
-
Find the Right Therapist
-
15 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
Rituals offer you a sense of comfort and normalcy in a world that can feel upside down. This especially happens when you are grieving over the loss of someone important in your life. They can give you a sense of feeling like there are things that still matter, and also things that you have some control over. Plus they can help you to reconnect to the memory of the one you have lost. It gives you special time to remember the good times and to help you get through this difficult period.
Visiting the place of my brother’s burial feels like I am close to him. It gives me peace and I not only go there on his birthday but also wen I am stressed and honestly I feel better when I visit the place.
For me still celebrating my son’s birthday every year has kept me grounded.
I know that some people would find it morbid but for me it lets me still feel close to him and confirm that One day we will see each other again.
Those birthdays have now gone from sweet to bittersweet but it gives me a way to honor him.
Allowing myself a time each week to remember and grieve is immensely helpful. I haven’t thought of it as a ritual, but it is. I wear my father’s T-shirts during my walks, which is my ritual time. I feel closer to him especially at those times.
Nancy–We also celebrate our son’s birthday every year, including a cake as well as balloons, which always release at the end of the day. It is absolutely not morbid–anyone who thinks it is has never experienced the death of a child. Sending love and light to you…
I was close to my aunt who left us last year and I didnt even realize it but started reading from her mini library and have been quite addicted to it.I feel comfortable when I read those books.I didn’t realize it was almost like connecting with my dearest aunt again through those books until I read this article and thought about what I do.
I ran into a good friend just yesterday who lost a child and she said that the only thing that gets her through her days sometimes are her visits to the child’s gravesite. She knows that there are people who think she is odd for continuing this ritual but she feels like she has abandoned her child and herself if she does not go and talk with her at least once a day. I guess I am on the fence about whether this is hurting or helping but I cannot say that I would not be doing the same exact thing if it had been my own child that I had to bury.
Marti–I don’t know your friend, but having lost my own child and having spoken with and knowing many, many other bereaved parents, your friend’s going out to her child’s gravesite daily is not abnormal (in what is now her new normal). It is likely that this ritual really is, as she says, getting her through each day. Nothing actually “helps” when our children die. There are things that can be hurtful, but I would venture to say visiting the grave is not one of those things. She may need to visit the grave daily for a long time to come. That’s ok. It sounds like you are a good friend. The best thing you can do is simply to let her know you love her, you support her and that you can be there if she needs you to listen or to simply sit with her.
VuZ–I am glad that you were able to recognize yourself and your own ritual in the piece. I know for me, my rituals, big and small, bring me great comfort. I hope you can continue to gain comfort and feel close to your aunt while reading her books.
Tammy–what a lovely way to remember your father while you walk through nature. Grief truly is a process that demands ritual–and like you said, often we don’t even realize that what we are doing is engaging in rituals to help us heal and to maintain a connection to those we love. Thank you for sharing.
It is really helping to read what other people have to say about grief, and I especially liked this article about grief rituals. When Tony died, part of me died too, and even though I know he’s not really dead, there are definite ways in which he is now dead to me. It’s harder to communicate with him, but not impossible, but still, I’m human. I grieve his physical presense, they way he was, the wonderful things he used to say, be do…..So, I have three small circular oil lamps which are on a special tray. I light them and keep them burning whenever I think of it. I gave the idea to Tony myself when he asked me what to do about grieving for his mother. He was the one who bought the little oil lamps for her. Now I use them for him. I imagine he likes the light. I also wear his old t-shirts, an old ring of his I found in a box. I have prayer beads I wear and an ohm symbol in diamonds and a yin yang symbol. I dress myself in ways that I would never have dressed before. I’m looking forward to finding MORE rituals, tree planting, planting flowers. I keep Tony’s favorite plant on a special stand too. It’s all ritual. But this is article is right. It helps. Everything helps when I reach out for it. You’d think I’d get this even more, but I’m still grieving.
Anniecaroline
Anniecaroline–I just wanted to say that your rituals for your Tony are beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing with us. I am glad that your rituals bring you comfort.
My Mom passed away last week and I am lost. My heart is broken and I have never had to live without her in my life. I don’t want to go back to work.
Jan, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. I was always the stoic type, rarely shedding tears for anything but anger and frustration — until my mother died, a mother who, for years, I didn’t get along with. Probably because we were so much alike. I’m grateful I made up with her before her death, and tho dementia had robbed her of the ability to speak in sentences, I know she understood, because she held my face in her hands with tears running down her face and kissed me.
Anniecaroline, bless you and your rituals for your sweet Tony. It has been almost 2 years since my beloved Jerry died, and because of circumstances and my own deep shock, I am only now beginning to truly grieve his loss. I will consider rituals for us. I believe Jerry communicates to me through the clock that once hung in his office, but now in my bedroom. It’s supposed to chime hourly, but it does so only very sporadically, and always when I most need to “hear” from him. What seems to provide me the most comfort is working in the yard, pulling weeds and planting perrennials, as he loved to do.
Grief is a long, lonely walk, and I continue putting one foot in front of the other, every evening, until I can again walk in the light of Life.
My soul mate, spouse, best friend, lover and everything passed away on May 14 2012. Grief sucks and it is a lonely process. I continue to talk to him looks for signs of his “Promise” to be waiting for me when it is my time. Our time was so short just 3 years together. We talked all night long when I was at work (midnights) (yes this man switched his schedule to be with me), I continue to write to him in the chat and then free type back from him to me (some think it is weird) it comforts me. Thanks for sharing your losses and rituals with me.
Thanks
Leave a Reply
By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.