Comments on: What to Expect in Internal Family Systems Couples Therapy

By: mona barbera

mona barbera — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:30:45 +0000

Dear Stephanie, thanks for your question. It brings up an important issue. In couples, it’s best that we respond from all of our parts. Usually we respond from only one at a time – for instance we might vacillate between anger, hurt, hopelessness, pleading, stoney distance, and loneliness, fully immersed in each one, and then switching to the next.

We can bring more resources to our relationships when we have access to both our anger and our hurt, our hopelessness and our hopefulness, our empathy for our partner and our own need to be understood, our desire for distance and our desire for closeness, at the same time. Instead of alternating between opposites – and leading with just one part, as you say – partners can bring surprising resources to tough relationship situations when they have access to opposite parts of themselves. What would it be like if a partner could bring both anger and hurt to the conversation at the same time? Hopelessness and desire for connection? Strength and vulnerability?

As Joseph Roach says in his book about charisma, “It,” people who are effective communicators have “the power of apparently effortless embodiment of contradictory qualities simultaneously: strength and vulnerability, innocence and experience, singularity and typicality…” For instance, Princess Diana, who drew people to her with a combination of royal self-assurance and vulnerability.

You can read about my own journey and how others can bring their opposites to their relationships, in the preface of book, “Bring Yourself to Love.” Here is the link:http://www.loving-relationship-information.com/support-files/bytlpreface.pdf

By: Stephanie W

Stephanie W — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 13:38:25 +0000

So are you saying that when we are in trouble we turn to one specific aspect of our personality to take the lead in dealing with our issues? I guess I am a little confused too.

By: Bruce Hersey

Bruce Hersey — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:12:16 +0000

Sandy,
Your question has me wondering if what you are taking from this is that there is a managing partner and a non-managing partner. If so, I would like to clarify that in IFS, both partners have managers. All of us have managers, firefighters and exiles. When couples are in trouble and seeking help, most often neither one has been able to sustain much Self-presence, because each partner’s managers are very busy protecting their own exiles from being further hurt by the other. The therapist helps them both understand this about themselves and each other. Often understanding how your own managers fiercely protect your vulnerable exiles allows you to identify those exiles and care for them in a more direct and healthy way from Self. Simultaneously, understanding hat your partner’s managers are really just trying to protect their exiles enables you to be more understanding and compassionate about their exiles that need caring and protection. As the caring and compassion increases, there is less need for protection from the managers of both partners.

By: mona barbera

mona barbera — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 21:30:44 +0000

Dear Sandy, great question. Responding with Self energy to your partner doesn’t necessarily mean saying what the other partner wants to hear, adapting to them, or going along with them. When Self qualities are present (courage, clarity, and confidence, connection, etc), one can say almost anything to one’s partner and feel good inside about it afterward. It could be, “I hurt when you don’t listen to me,” or “I don’t like it when you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it.” When Self qualities are present, you can say any part of your truth with calm, connection, and compassion. Most likely you’ll get a good response from your partner (either right away or after a while), and if not, you have data about how your partner responds when you do your best.

By: Sandy

Sandy — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 17:24:30 +0000

So does this type of therapy just try to get the other “non managing” partner to conform to what is going to best work with ther partner’s personality type? That does not necessarily seem so healthy.

By: Margo Marriage Counseling

Margo Marriage Counseling — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 19:58:40 +0000

There is definitely something to be said for giving couples the resources that they need to make a difference in their relationships and not necessarily telling them the exact steps that they need to take. Not only does them give them a better understanding of their own selves, but it can also open up their possibilities as a couple and lead to discovery about what they need together to make their relationship continue to work.