On Being A New Parent
January 29th, 2010
By Susan Martinez, MA, LMFT, Parenting Topic Expert Contributor
Click here to contact Susan and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile
I think most of us wish our kids came with an instruction manual. Wouldn’t that be nice? Whenever I have a concern about my minivan, I simply pop open the glove compartment, pull out my manual, flip through, and find the answer! Well, as you know by now, that isn’t the way it works with our kids!
During pregnancy, you were probably bombarded with all kinds of unsolicited advice. However, now that you have your baby and have some real concerns, doubts, and questions you don’t know where to turn! You may be blessed with some guidance from family and close friends that you trust and feel comfortable with. Or you may be hesitant to follow their advice because it seems outdated or just doesn’t feel right to you. You may hesitate to get advice from those close to you because you want to do it your way or are afraid asking about one thing will lead to them taking over and telling you how to do everything. Or you may not have family or close friends to turn to for advice. You may turn to your pediatrician, but discover those rushed appointments don’t lend themselves well to exploring all the concerns you have in depth. Your pediatrician is a fantastic resource and is there to assess and monitor their growth and development, as well as treat and prevent illness and disease. But when it comes to the laundry list of parenting questions, those 15 minute office visits aren’t going to cut it!
First, notice who among your family and friends you think is a “good” parent. Then, make a point to spend time with that person. Join a local mothers group and notice who you feel comfortable with and make a point to spend time with those particular people. Moms Club International, La Leche League, and Meetup Groups are available in most towns. Also, your local parenting magazine publishes a list of local parenting groups. Surround yourself with “good” influences!
Now about those people that you think are not “good” parents or those that simply have a negative effect on you, for example you may notice you feel bad about yourself when you are around them. They may be critical, unsupportive, or judgmental. Avoid spending time with these people. If you can’t avoid them, limit the amount of time both in frequency and duration. Stay away from “bad” influences!
Pay attention to your child. Be mindful of how they respond to you and what you do. Your baby will be your best teacher of what they need from you as a parent!
Read books and magazines about parenting, but be critical of what you read! Remember that during the first year of life a child is developing a strong bond and attachment with parents that shape their future relationships. Their developmental task is trust vs. mistrust. If they have “good enough” parents (and other caregivers) who are consistently (not perfectly) responsive to their needs they learn they can trust others and are loveable. This responsiveness is a gift that you give your child that sticks with them and serves as a solid, stable foundation to future development. Books can be helpful but don’t follow advice blindly or rely too much on them. Listen to your instinct.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is a sign of strength. We can’t do it all alone! We need all the help and support we can get. Consider getting counseling, especially if upsetting feelings are prominent and persistent. You don’t have to suffer with marital conflict, anxiety, worry, depression, or emotional pain. A counselor is an experienced and objective third party who can listen, offer guidance, and help you find your way.
©Copyright 2010 by Susan Martinez, MA, LMFT, therapist in Broken Arrow, OK. All Rights Reserved.
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Comments
It is very important not to pressurize yourself into striving into becoming a ‘good’ parent… but what is actually required is to make sure that you and your baby comfort each other and are happy and content with each other’s presence… when there is good care-taking, the bond develops naturally…
Thank you for writing this wonderful article! With three children of my own I often get overwhelmed and concerned about how I am raising them. Your article has given me some great ideas to aide me in my journey of being a loving and nuturing parent.
Parenting is really just all baout feeling things out for yourself and finding what feels right for you and your family. There is some great advice out there to be had but there are also some bad ideas that are flotaed around as well and it is hard to make sense of it all. But I think that the best thing to do, as I get my 2 cents worth in, is to find out what works best for you and your crew. Parenting is not one size fits all. Every family and family dynamic is different. As long as you give the children love and support the rest will typically fall into place.
having a kid is a major event in any person’s life… it brings in a new relationship and also changes the aspects of your relationship with our spouse.
I LOVED the article!!!! I found it very helpful. Parenting is hard and I agree that finding parents you feel like are doing a good job with their children. We moved out of state when my daughter was only 3 months old. I went to many play dates and found moms doing things that did not feel right in my heart. For example, forcing their kids to sleep alone in a crib and letting them cry it out! I knew that did not feel right in my heart. So I found Attachment Parenting International and La Leche League. Both organizations had the same belifes as me. I soon met many other moms doing things the way I did and felt at home with them. Finding the right group is key!
I agree that it is important to discern good and bad influences. As a new mother, I found myself questioning my own intuition and searching for “quick fixes” as promised by some bad parenting advice. In the end, I learned to connect with my children and allow them to guide me through their needs on a much deeper level.
Being a parent is hard work and if anyone ever tells you anything different then they are lying.
When you become a parent that is definitely the time to throw away all of the bad influences in your life and concentrate on bringing only positive things into the life of your child. If you are not willing to let go of the negative environment then you are probably not ready to have a child!
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