Is Divorce As Bad As You Think? Maybe Not
October 16th, 2012
By Andra Brosh, PhD, Divorce/Divorce Adjustment Topic Expert Contributor
We have made so much progress in the realm of matrimony over the years. Same-sex marriage, no-fault divorce, and the paternal right to equal custody keep us moving forward as a society amid the hotbed issues of marriage and divorce. However, there is still one area in which we seem to be stuck: our perceptions of marriage and divorce.
Back in the 1950s and earlier, divorce was widely considered disgraceful and humiliating. It was equated with complete and utter failure, and for a woman in particular, the demise of her marriage represented the end of her life. In contrast, marriage represented the ultimate accomplishment, the pinnacle of social status.
Here we are in 2012, and not much has changed. Divorce is a dirty word, and it has been referred to as “contagious,” as if it is some awful disease. Being divorced—or even single, for that matter—is often seen as undesirable and tragic. Marriage, in contrast, is seen as a rescue ship from singledom, a guarantee of eternal happiness.
Most of what you know about marriage and divorce comes from external sources. From the happily-ever-after stories ingrained in you from Disney movies to the volatile divorce conflict between your parents growing up, your perceptions of marriage and divorce live inside of you both in and out of consciousness. When you combine this internal schema with your present-day outside influences, you may find that processing your experience of divorce can be confusing and conflicting. You may feel completely at peace with your divorce, but find that friends and family look at you with pity and regret. You may also feel like a complete wreck inside, while people around you can’t understand why you aren’t simply relieved to be out of the relationship.
The important thing to remember is how you choose to experience divorce is completely up to you. Divorce is not contagious, nor is it hereditary. It is simply a life transition that forces you to challenge everything you thought to be true.
What you believe colors the way you see the world. Your beliefs are powerful and have a great impact on how you feel and behave, and they will ultimately affect the quality of your experience as you transition through and move on from your divorce. Beliefs can be categorized both positively and negatively, determined ultimately by how those beliefs affect your overall well-being. For example, if you believe your life is over because you are divorced, you may very well stop living. If you believe that your divorce could be a stepping stone to something better, you will aspire to make it happen. The choice is yours.
Here are five steps to help you begin uncovering your beliefs about marriage and divorce so you can develop perceptions that benefit you, and improve your well-being, as you move on from divorce:
- Make a list of all of your beliefs about marriage and divorce without judgment or editing.
- Go through the list and eliminate the beliefs that don’t serve you. These would be the ones that make you sad, angry, resentful, or embarrassed.
- Using the beliefs you kept, make a new list by adding any beliefs you aspire to have (even if you don’t believe these beliefs just yet).
- Review the list again and eliminate any belief, old or aspired, that could potentially keep you stuck in the pain of your past or fear of your future.
- Create one final list of positive beliefs that you can refer to on a daily basis as a reminder of your growth and well-being.
As you begin to let go of negative beliefs, and incorporate more positive ways of seeing your experience and situation, you will begin to change both internally and externally. Remember that you don’t always have to believe what you think!
Read More
Why Divorce Hurts
With Divorce, the Only Certainty Is Uncertainty
How to Help Children Cope with a Divorce
©Copyright 2012 by Andra Brosh, PhD, therapist in Los Angeles, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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11 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
used to think divorce would only bring sadness and would be an end to happiness..this even though I was in a marriage I was not happy in..a little bit of time,support from friends and some sense has taught me that it is far better to move away from a toxic marriage and that being divorced is far better than living with someone who does not deserve me..divorce is not a dirty word in my mind anymore and I just hope more and more women start to see the truth.
Shoot, for me I wouldn’t have had it any other way, and this is even coming from a woman who decided to pack her bags and call it quites long before this was “acceptable” behavior from a woman. But I knew that if I stayed then this was going to be life with a man who was going to suck away every piece of me and my son that was still whole and good. So I made the decision to cut our losses and run. And honestly I have never looked back. I am not saying that it was the easy thing to do, but it sure was the best thing for all of us. There are just some cases where this is the reality of things and the best thing for you to do to save yourself.
I found out a long time ago that I need to stop worrying so much about what others think about the choices that I make and worry more about which choices are right for me and my own.
Thank you for all of your responses. I love the strength and resilience you all so eloquently describe as being part of your divorce experience. You are all an inspiration for those still struggling with the stigma, shame and guilt so often associated with this life transition.
call me old fashioned, but I still think that no matter the kind of marriage you are in, if you have kids then you can’t just get up and walk away. You can’t say oh we just grew apart or had nothing in common anymore. I think that you at least owe it to the marriage to give it a try. I think that most divorces come on not because you fall out of love but that you simply stop trying. Is that really the lesson you want to teach your kids? Stop trying and then it’s fine to just walk away?
For every family I think that you will find a different answer.
For some families the answer is obvious that the only real solution is divorce. There are simply too many problems for the couple to overcome to ever hope to be happy and healthy.
For others, it might take some time and some work but there can be hope for healing. Those are the families that I hope will not give up, that they will invest a little bit more time and effort into the marriage in the hopes of keeping it together.
There is not one answer that works for everyone, it has to be looked at and examined on an individual basis to get the right answer for you.
You ultimately know whether this is a place in your life that you want to stay. If it isn’t working for you, then why not let it all go? At least letting it go gives you thee chance to make a fresh start instead of always dwelling on the past.
I disagree with Betty. I was married to a woman with a personality disorder that was augmented/worsen by her heavy consumption of alcohol. I pleaded her for years to get help. Yet, she didn’t. Meanwhile, I continued to go to couple therapy by myself until it became clear I wasn’t the one giving up on the marriage, she was. She was verbally and emotionally abusing me, taking advantage of me, and late in our marriage even cheated on me. So, I’m sorry. Your marriage experience is different than some, not all are clear as peaches.
Signed,
Proud father of 2 boys- Fernando
PS: I do share custody with their mother, but I enjoy to have them 4 days out of the week.
Being a child of divorce and now seeing the effects on my adult children….divorce causes so much pain. Sometimes it is the only way out…but it should only be considered when all other paths have been tried. Our society looks for a quick fix….instead of working
through issues. Sad to see so many inflict pain on others for their own well being. I know I have experienced that. My children and I will endure…and are better off….but what a waste.
I just don’t like statements about minimizing divorce and it’s effects. I sometimes wonder the ones saying this may not have experienced it.
I find myself in conflict about divorce now that I am on the edge of it. When the love of your life has thrown in the towel and doesn’t want to invest energy in the relationship, how long do you hang in there? How long do you hope they come around ? And to what end? Nobody should have to exist in a relationship where there is no love, compassion or connection. It is cruel. At a certain point I think one comes to a point where you have to save yourself before there is nothing left to save. Why am I still in the relationship? Because I do view it as a failure. I always thought I could beat the odds. Guess not.
Are you the filing spouse? If so, then it is you whom is tossing the towel in the air. If she has not filed, then she has not surrendered. Labeling warped-habits-of communicating-on both sides no doubt- as her “not wanting to invest energy in the relationship, is a wonderful explanation, (used to ease your guilt) for being the one who has actually ditched the union, im my opionion.
I dont mean to sound like a real bi*&h, but I too am in the midst of a nasty dissoution, and the fact that our relationship was being neglected had nothing to do with EITHER party surrendering-All that has to do with is both parties being on the the same page at different times- in other words when I was willing to work at it- he was angry or vice versa-
Im not saying you should stay and be unhappy, loveless life ect…but to stop having faith that your best friend and yourself are going to undoubtly, be at the same place at the same time sooner or later- I mean come on- the odds are great-
But not if one decides they are going to… well, stop believing.
The one who files is the ONE WHO HAS GIVEN UP. Period.
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