A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T.

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A comment from Todd in response my most recent GoodTherapy.org Ethics Column, touched me. How brave and sincere. And what an important question! I tend to focus on right use of power as any use of personal and professional power to heal harm, repair harm, reduce harm, and facilitate the common good. Inspiring, yes. But given our personal history with power and our dominant cultural frame for power (force), how do we get there? How really do we change historic and embedded habits, beliefs, and patterns?

Here’s what Todd says: “I grew up in a forceful household and that caused me to be the same way in my own home. I do not like it but that was how I was trained and even why I try to do things differently I always find myself back in that forceful position and way of handling things. It is the only way that I know. My kids I know hate me for that. How do I make that change to be a more collaborative person instead of what I am?”

Again, thanks for asking this question. As a psychotherapist and teacher, here’s my take on the process of changing at the level you are seeking. Notice which one or ones appeal to you and experiment with them as tools to help you shift into a more effective and satisfying set of responses.

Notice Something Isn’t the Way You’d Like it to Be
You’ve already taken the first and biggest step. Using your situation, Todd, as an example: You can see how you want to use your power with your kids (and, I assume in other areas of your life); and you can see the negative impact of the way you have been using your power. (Your kids hate you for it.) How painful that must be. Trying is important, but as you notice, not quite sufficient for change.

Use Imaging Power (Image what you want without denying the current situation.)
There is an image that has stuck with me from Robert Fritz’s The Path of Least Resistence. I image clearly, visually and as a felt sense, how I want things to be. Then I notice how things are…”current reality”. I then imagine an elastic band holding these two stretched apart. Then I “let go” and trust that these two organically want to come together and integrate (as an elastic band seeks to reduce the tension). I’m understanding and appreciating that my old patterns have some wisdom (protection, direction, control, expression of caring) even if this is now misguided or over-used and that integration will increase my range and discernment in expression.

Engage Your Cusiosity
Curiosity is a powerful attitude to use in making changes. Be curious to understand exactly how you are doing what you are doing. Moshe Feldenkrais is quoted as saying, “You can’t do what you want until you know exactly how you are doing what you are doing.” Here’s where curiosity is more potent than negative self-judgment. Try putting your curiosity generated information into a visual spiral map. First this happens, then this happens, then this happens, then this, and then the cycle starts over again. For example, again using Todd’s experience as an example: “I see my daughter doing something I don’t like, I try to force her not to do this, she resists, I get more forceful, she hates me, I feel unsuccessful and mad, I see my daughter acting in a way I don’t like….and the whole cycle repeats. Sooo familiar.”

Old Story /New Story
Bring to mind and a felt sense, a typical event that triggers the familiar repeating cycle that you want to change. Notice what happens in your body—posture, feeling, breath… Discover what story you are making up about yourself.

For example: Event—someone tells me they didn’t like how I did something. Body—I look down and tighten up. Story I make up–I am incompetent and can’t do anything right.

Now see what new story you would like to grow into. New Story—I am competent and can increase my skill. Body—When I am in this new story, I stand tall, feel my core strength, and can stay in contact. I know that I can make good use of feedback from others.

Let Yourself Be Nourished
When you stop efforting, let yourself be nourished by small shifts in your attitude or responses. Change sometimes happens spontaneously, and sometimes in little increments over time. Generally a change in an organizing belief moves from 1) always or never, 2) sometimes, 3) even if, 4) resiliency. It also tends to move from external reference to internal reference.
An example not related to Todd: 1) I always give away my power, 2) okay, now I see that sometimes I do stand up for myself, 3) even when things don’t go well, it doesn’t mean I’m weak and inadequate, 4) I am confident that I can handle situations with resilience.

Address Concerns
Ask yourself what parts of you have concerns about the change you want to make. (I.e. Maybe some part of you is worried that if you start being more collaborative, you will seem weak or lose control or be humiliated…. whatever.) The information from this question is often surprising and understandable from a historic or cultural point of view. Then ask what does this concerned part of you need to be able to stop interfering with the change. (I.e. Maybe the concerned part needs to know and learn to trust that a new way will be more effective and satisfying and doesn’t involve becoming weak; or that you will still be able to use directive power when appropriate…. Maybe the needs are even simpler.) What appears to be resistence usually responds and softens with acknowledgment.
(Thank you to the Hakomi Method, Internal Family Systems and Western Qabalah for this.)

Do it Over
Look for moments and situations in which it is possible to “do it over.” Again, using Todd’s situation, see what happens if you tell your children, you didn’t like the way that went down. Ask if you could do it over again differently. Even when people feel hurt, I find that they generally feel remarkably generous when they know you are trying to change an attitude or behavior. They will try to support.

Get Support
Talk with your family (or your colleagues) about the change you are trying to make and get their support. Support can be emotional or in the form of feedback or willingness to do it over. Perhaps you can link this with offering them support for a change they are wanting to make.
Change is a constant. Change is evolution. Change is a process. A change in a belief and habit is something happening that wasn’t possible before.

©Copyright 2009 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile