Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A psychology teacher asked her ethics class, “All of you agree with the rule about no dual role relationships, right? “ (All heads nodded.) Then he said, “So, let’s get real here. I won’t report this, but I’m curious. How many of you have had a dual relationship with a client? How many of you have betrayed confidentiality? How many of you have had to deal with feeling attracted to a client? How many of you have caused harm, even if you didn’t intend to? Or how many of you have made a big mistake?” Most hands go up. “Now, how many of you have ever talked with someone about any of these things?” One hand goes up. “Why not?” The overwhelming response: shame.

“Awareness of shame is one of the last great secrets, and it’s not out yet,” says Dr. Terry Keepers. (personal communication, 2001) “For reasons rooted in the values of contemporary culture, the concept of shame…has all but vanished from discussions of emotional disarray, instead of being regarded as the pre-eminent cause of emotional distress in our time,” writes Robert Karen (The Atlantic Monthly, “Shame,” Feb.1992) in further support of the importance of addressing shame.

Shame is defined as a deeply disturbing or painful feeling of guilt, incompetence, indecency, or blame-worthiness. Now considered a primary though under-acknowledged emotion, shame creates self-loathing and/or imploding or exploding rage. Shame is experienced as a global attack on the core Self that sentences the person to life with an irreparable flaw or inadequacy. No wonder we do our utmost to keep actions or experiences that engender shame a secret from others, and often ourselves.

The four most potent effects of shame are: isolation, loss of internal resources, hopelessness, and the inability to reality check. It is so important to understand that these effects are automatically linked with the experience of shame. Whenever you are feeling these things, it may well be a clue that you are feeling shame. When feeling isolated, hopelessly bad, and de-resourced, it is so easy and common to use these feelings to pile more shame on top of the shame that is already there. What a relief it can be to know that these things are inherent in the shame experience and not additional signs of your irreparable culpability.

Shame is an ethics and power issue because it severely interferes with a practitioner’s ability to recognize and take responsibility for actions or behaviors that have caused harm, even when they were not intended to be harmful. Feeling shame impedes the process of resolution and self-correction. When errors or mistakes or misunderstandings are kept in secret shame, there is little possibility of repairing harm, acting accountably, and self-correcting. Situations then needlessly escalate and practitioners develop patterns of repeating the shame misuses of power.

Fear of shaming (or being shamed) is one reason colleagues tend to avoid talking directly with other colleagues about suspected misuses of power. Shame on the part of caregivers can result in defensiveness, denial, dissociation, rigidity, and fear of getting help or supervision. My Hakomi Therapy colleague, Morgan Holford, (personal communication, 2003) speaks of these shame dynamics directly and succinctly.

“Accountability requires an accurate self-assessment and this is not possible because shame’s self-assessment is of exaggerated, one-sided, negative, irreparable culpability. Accountability also requires being in relationship with whom ever has been injured or affected by one’s actions. When in shame, one is disconnected in withdrawal or anger.”

A student’s insight: “Until I can be accountable for the wrong actions I have taken, or even for the negative impact of actions that weren’t necessarily wrong, healing and relationship repair cannot happen.”

This column is taken from the chapter on Shame in the book–Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics that is available at Amazon.com or www.rightuseofpower.com. Parts II, III, and IV of this exploration of shame as an ethics issue will cover: shame and the human nervous system, brief history of shame, de-activating shame, shame and it’s effect on clients, working with shame, and seven reasons that good intentions are essential but not enough in the practice of right use of power.

©Copyright 2010 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I had a long talk the other day with someone who wanted to understand more about this odd word: “power differential.” Since he associated power with, in his words, “power OVER and force and nasty hierarchies.” It is very important to him to think of us all as equal. Of course, I agreed with him about the fact that we are all equal in our humanity and in our right to be treated with respect and kindness. So, I wondered how I could break down the power differential idea into something that would be more agreeable and understandable to him. Power Differential actually covers a lot of territory. So, in our conversation, we began to break it down into smaller differential chunks. There are role differentials, age differentials, maturity differentials, education and training differentials, income differentials. We could go on. Naming and understanding these differentials, and be this I mean differences, the question becomes not one of over or under, but rather whenever you are on the “more or greater” side of the differential, what are your responsibilities and opportunities?

For and overly simple example, when I am caring for a child, I am on the older side of the age differential. The child is equal to me in humanity and right to be treated with respect and kindness, but it is my responsibility to set good boundaries, keep the child safe, healthy and fed, and my opportunity to provide love and set a good example. Doing this requires me to use the wisdom that has come from my greater number of years and experiences. If I become a child myself or expect the child to respond the way those of my peers respond, I can inadvertently cause the child a lot of harm. Since the definition of power is “the ability to have an affect,” this age difference is also an example of a power differential.

In our conversation we talked about the other differentials listed above. The role differential is the most complex and the one referred to as an ethics issue. Called the power differential because of the actual and potential impact of the role on the client. For example, the one in the power-up role position bears performance assessment responsibilities of all sorts as well as responsibility for making numerous decisions about work and work load. The way in which these responsibilities are carried out can cause harm. The nature of the relationship is also affected by this position power differential. For example, the client or employee may feel too much at job risk to offer the power-up person feedback that might be difficult to hear.

My friend felt much more at ease after this conversation when he understood the power differential to be less about power over and more about owning and being sensitive to the responsibilities and opportunities, and even freedoms, that accompany differentials of all sorts, and especially professional ones.

There’s an old saying: “The fish are the last to discover water.” Often those in positions of authority are the last to discover the power differential.
_____________

A number of people responded to my last posting about change. I’d like to share a few.

Tony says: Easier said than done. When your family thinks you are a controlling person, any change is met with criticism and that to me is one of the biggest hurdles to becoming a new you. Sometimes people in our lives don’t expect us to change for the better. That can be pretty tough to deal with. Cedar replies: You’re right. I’m sorry it’s been so tough for you. I trust that even though others are criticizing, you feel better about yourself. You are changing for yourself, not just for others. People tend to get used to the way they have experienced you. Even if they don’t like it, it’s familiar. You put a new ingredient into the soup and the whole soup changes.

Interestingly, Derrick now speaks for the other possibility. Sometimes people in the family are very supportive of changes that you are making. Sounds like you made it very clear to them that you were putting the effort into changing: I have been married 30 years now and only 5 years back I hauled myself to therapy to change my controlling nature. I am a grandfather and I thought people wouldn’t be bothered. My family has seen me through this. It definitely makes a lot of difference when people know you don’t want to be a stubborn old mule and intend to turn a new leaf.

Brent adds: It is so hard to change the only way you have ever known, but I am trying and applaud others who are out there doing the exact same things. It IS hard to teach an old dog new tricks, but once you make the committment to yourself and your family, the payoff is well worth the effort! Cedar replies: “Bravo, Brent.’

Amy says: Most times people who wield power can’t be told they are overpowering. It’s very difficult when you have to bell the cat. It’s easier if they realise they need help. Cedar replies: You bet, Amy. Please refer to the last paragraph of this article. Remember the cat can be belled. It takes strategy, skill, sensitivity, and collaboration with others. You can wield your own kind of power.

And in closing, here is a wise and inspiring piece from Nina. Thank you so much for this, Nina: We are all so fragile, and this is a good place to begin, as it is an essential Truth that we all share. Once we are able to appreciate the intelligence of our sensitivity, we can come to a condition of practiced compassion and gentle kindness for our Selves and others.
Our sensitivity is what educates us to the Truth of what is going on outside of us and inside of us. Our feelings tell us what is up on our insides and on our outsides. That being said we are all in this together….

Below are a few suggestions that have worked for clients in power struggles:

#1. Everyone is doing the best they can! A controlling person is that way for a reason. He/she learned to be controlling as a way to get through life. If one is in a practice of compassion and sensitivity, one can attempt to change the discomfort of controlling dynamics by naming how the relationship is uncomfortable by using “I” statements. (Remember blame creates resistance).

#2. In healthy relationships, we always get to practice basic ‘rights’ of expression in order to be safe, healthy and happy.
If your “I” statement doesn’t work for the controller…that’s not your problem… Take some distance from the relationship in order to feel safe.

#3. You are in charge of you, first. Truth creates a clear field that supports change.

And lastly, for those of you who feel that your family environment doesn’t allow for much change… know that even the smallest change has a ripple effect. Be patient and do the right thing…. for yourself and for the greater good. There are few sources of happiness greater than the path of non-harm. We all get to be happy… that’s why the feeling exists!
I wish you all Peace.

©Copyright 2009 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A comment from Todd in response my most recent GoodTherapy.org Ethics Column, touched me. How brave and sincere. And what an important question! I tend to focus on right use of power as any use of personal and professional power to heal harm, repair harm, reduce harm, and facilitate the common good. Inspiring, yes. But given our personal history with power and our dominant cultural frame for power (force), how do we get there? How really do we change historic and embedded habits, beliefs, and patterns?

Here’s what Todd says: “I grew up in a forceful household and that caused me to be the same way in my own home. I do not like it but that was how I was trained and even why I try to do things differently I always find myself back in that forceful position and way of handling things. It is the only way that I know. My kids I know hate me for that. How do I make that change to be a more collaborative person instead of what I am?”

Again, thanks for asking this question. As a psychotherapist and teacher, here’s my take on the process of changing at the level you are seeking. Notice which one or ones appeal to you and experiment with them as tools to help you shift into a more effective and satisfying set of responses.

Notice Something Isn’t the Way You’d Like it to Be
You’ve already taken the first and biggest step. Using your situation, Todd, as an example: You can see how you want to use your power with your kids (and, I assume in other areas of your life); and you can see the negative impact of the way you have been using your power. (Your kids hate you for it.) How painful that must be. Trying is important, but as you notice, not quite sufficient for change.

Use Imaging Power (Image what you want without denying the current situation.)
There is an image that has stuck with me from Robert Fritz’s The Path of Least Resistence. I image clearly, visually and as a felt sense, how I want things to be. Then I notice how things are…”current reality”. I then imagine an elastic band holding these two stretched apart. Then I “let go” and trust that these two organically want to come together and integrate (as an elastic band seeks to reduce the tension). I’m understanding and appreciating that my old patterns have some wisdom (protection, direction, control, expression of caring) even if this is now misguided or over-used and that integration will increase my range and discernment in expression.

Engage Your Cusiosity
Curiosity is a powerful attitude to use in making changes. Be curious to understand exactly how you are doing what you are doing. Moshe Feldenkrais is quoted as saying, “You can’t do what you want until you know exactly how you are doing what you are doing.” Here’s where curiosity is more potent than negative self-judgment. Try putting your curiosity generated information into a visual spiral map. First this happens, then this happens, then this happens, then this, and then the cycle starts over again. For example, again using Todd’s experience as an example: “I see my daughter doing something I don’t like, I try to force her not to do this, she resists, I get more forceful, she hates me, I feel unsuccessful and mad, I see my daughter acting in a way I don’t like….and the whole cycle repeats. Sooo familiar.”

Old Story /New Story
Bring to mind and a felt sense, a typical event that triggers the familiar repeating cycle that you want to change. Notice what happens in your body—posture, feeling, breath… Discover what story you are making up about yourself.

For example: Event—someone tells me they didn’t like how I did something. Body—I look down and tighten up. Story I make up–I am incompetent and can’t do anything right.

Now see what new story you would like to grow into. New Story—I am competent and can increase my skill. Body—When I am in this new story, I stand tall, feel my core strength, and can stay in contact. I know that I can make good use of feedback from others.

Let Yourself Be Nourished
When you stop efforting, let yourself be nourished by small shifts in your attitude or responses. Change sometimes happens spontaneously, and sometimes in little increments over time. Generally a change in an organizing belief moves from 1) always or never, 2) sometimes, 3) even if, 4) resiliency. It also tends to move from external reference to internal reference.
An example not related to Todd: 1) I always give away my power, 2) okay, now I see that sometimes I do stand up for myself, 3) even when things don’t go well, it doesn’t mean I’m weak and inadequate, 4) I am confident that I can handle situations with resilience.

Address Concerns
Ask yourself what parts of you have concerns about the change you want to make. (I.e. Maybe some part of you is worried that if you start being more collaborative, you will seem weak or lose control or be humiliated…. whatever.) The information from this question is often surprising and understandable from a historic or cultural point of view. Then ask what does this concerned part of you need to be able to stop interfering with the change. (I.e. Maybe the concerned part needs to know and learn to trust that a new way will be more effective and satisfying and doesn’t involve becoming weak; or that you will still be able to use directive power when appropriate…. Maybe the needs are even simpler.) What appears to be resistence usually responds and softens with acknowledgment.
(Thank you to the Hakomi Method, Internal Family Systems and Western Qabalah for this.)

Do it Over
Look for moments and situations in which it is possible to “do it over.” Again, using Todd’s situation, see what happens if you tell your children, you didn’t like the way that went down. Ask if you could do it over again differently. Even when people feel hurt, I find that they generally feel remarkably generous when they know you are trying to change an attitude or behavior. They will try to support.

Get Support
Talk with your family (or your colleagues) about the change you are trying to make and get their support. Support can be emotional or in the form of feedback or willingness to do it over. Perhaps you can link this with offering them support for a change they are wanting to make.
Change is a constant. Change is evolution. Change is a process. A change in a belief and habit is something happening that wasn’t possible before.

©Copyright 2009 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The Story of Sharon

The discussion of corporate power, its misuses and abuses, abound in our world today. The story of John (see GT Blog 5-7-09) took this issue to a deep place: the place where change must occur in order for our world to recover. This place is within each of us. How do we use our personal power? Misuse and abuse of personal power can undermine the potential of any corporation. And right use of power has the ability to transform it.

An interesting perspective on the issue of power … what if we look at the misuse of power manifested in those who don’t use their power? If those who abuse their power obviously are doing so from early wounds . . . then what about those who don’t use their power when it is needed, out of frozenness, their inability, their own childhood wounds.

Imagine if . . . corporations, their employees and leaders fearlessly worked to improve our world. Imagine if . . . both the leaders and the employees of every organization worked with their feelings so they didn’t have to act them out on the corporate and world stage. Imagine if . . . every one of us – however we were wounded, however we misuse our power – did our own healing work so that we could contribute to this vision in the best way possible.

As leaders and members of an organization, are you prepared to personally take on the challenge of deep change? Are you willing to look at how the transformation of your inner world can in turn transform your outer world? Are you willing to heal your relationship with power for the betterment of yourself, an improved impact on your employers, co-workers and employees, and the transformation of your organization?

Sharon cringes every time her boss, John comes to her desk right outside his office. And she wants to crawl out of her skin when he begins talking to her in his so familiar way, “Shaaaa-ron …”

Sharon is familiar with the cadence and the tone. As a child, her mother began scolding her just that way every single morning. It was like the daily wake-up ritual. So she knows exactly what to expect next: a half-hearted compliment, followed by a criticism clothed in a question, chastising, belittling, contempt, and an outright accusation. Each time the content was different, but the elements were all there.

Sentence by sentence John chips away at Sharon’s self confidence and her sense of self worth. “Good letter, Sharon, but …. Don’t you think it would help if you used Spell-check on your work? I’ve asked you to do that before. Have you no pride in your work? Are you deliberately trying to make me look bad?”

Sharon has been losing weight. She has been unable to sleep well at night. She’s been in a constant state of tension and nervousness. And she is trying harder and harder to please John … to no avail.

She hates working for him, but she needs the job. Although she is very capable and could easily find another job, she is unable to extricate herself from John’s abuse of power . . . precisely because it is a reenactment of her childhood family abuse dynamic.

When we experience pain and trauma as children, we cannot bear the pain. Without even realizing it, we bury the feelings that are too much for us to feel, along with the decisions we make about ourselves, others, and life, and sometimes even along with the memory of the painful event. These feelings, decisions, and memories drive us from beneath our conscious awareness, leading us to create situations in our lives that mirror or even duplicate the original painful experiences. We may unconsciously draw people into our lives like those who originally hurt us. We may unconsciously perceive or interpret experiences so that they appear the same as previous experiences. Or we may react to either real or perceived here and now experiences in the same way we reacted to our childhood experiences.

If Sharon was abused as a child in the same way John is abusing her now . . . she may feel all the same things with John that she felt as a child.

Day by day passes with no change in the scenario … until one day John loudly, publicly humiliates Sharon. He comes charging out of his office screaming at her. She apologizes profusely. He screams again, “If you want food on your table, clothes on your body, and a roof over your head, you’d better do exactly as I say!”

She wants to scream back at him. She wants to tell him she’s had enough. She wants to run. She wants to quit. Once again, however, paralyzed with fear, she can take none of these actions. She is unable to move, unable to find her voice, unable to even look at him.
She cannot even cry.

The whole experience is so shocking, if you asked Sharon what happens next, she wouldn’t be able to tell you. Interestingly, the same would be true of John. It is actually a trauma for both of them. It is as though each falls into a trance and comes to minutes later, Sharon at her desk, John in his office, starting all over again.

A few minutes later, he comes out of his office and before he can say a word, Sharon raises her hands to shield her head and whimpers, “Please don’t hit me. Please don’t hit me.”

Sharon is living repeated reenactments of the abuse she lived and relived as a child with her mother. In fact, John threatens her with the very same words her mother used continuously, “If you want food on your table, clothes on your body, and a roof over your head, you’d better do exactly as I say!”

She is caught in the reenactment. She keeps receiving the abuse. She keeps being unable to stand up for herself or extricate herself. What is she going to do?

One day, going through John’s mail, Sharon spots the title of an article in America’s Business Journal, “Is Abuse of Power Wreaking Havoc with Your Business?”

“Oh my!” Sharon takes a deep breath. “I want to read this. I have a feeling it will help me somehow. But how do I find a way to read it without John knowing and attacking me again? “Well,” she strategizes, just like she had done when she was a little girl, “if he doesn’t know it’s arrived, there won’t be a problem. I’ll just have to find a way to take it home and get it back for him before he realizes.” Nervously she slips it inside one of her large magazines and into the huge purse she carries with her everywhere she goes.

After dinner that night, Sharon sits at her dining room table amazed as she reads the article. It’s calming and upsetting at the same time. According to the authors, some form of abuse occurs in most of the companies in the country. That means she’s not alone. At the same time it indicates the level of abuse in the country is enormous. She is filled with questions. “How do so many people come to the point of acting abusively? And how do so many people come to the place to allow it?”

Sharon reads and reads, absorbed in what she’s learning from others about the life she’s been living. And about the life John’s been living, too. She learns that people can get help to stop abusing their power, and that people can get help to stop allowing themselves to be abused. With this awareness, she wants to get help. One of the authors of the article is in the business world. The other is a psychotherapist. Sharon decides to call the psychotherapist for an appointment.**

Sharon calls me on a Saturday morning, and working at my desk, I answer the phone. Nervous about intruding on my weekend, she begins by apologizing. “I’m so sorry to bother you on your weekend. I thought I’d just get your voicemail.”

I assure her it’s okay, that I wouldn’t have answered the phone if I weren’t fine with it.

She sounds frightened, “Are you sure? I’m really sorry.”

I reassure her, and ask why she’s called.

She tells me she wants to come talk with me about her abusive boss and how she feels trapped in her job. We set an appointment for Monday evening after work, and as she says goodbye, she pleads, “I’m really hoping you can help me. I’m at my wits end.”

Responding to her plea in a way that I hope might both empower her and give her hope, I offer, “Sharon, let’s see what together we can do to help you.”

I find Sharon sitting in my waiting room, trembling. Gently approaching her, I invite her into my office.

She sits down, still trembling . . . on the edge of tears.

I gently offer, “I’m here for you, Sharon. Let me know how I can help.”

“I’m so frightened,” she whispers, after a long silence. “I’m afraid of my boss, John.”

“What about him frightens you, Sharon,” I ask, inviting more.

“Everything!” she cries. And the dam bursts. She cries and cries, like a little child, perhaps a 3-year old child.

I sit quietly, from time to time making empathic sounds that come from my heart and at the same time let her know I’m there with her.

Eventually she looks up at me, the tears still streaming down her cheeks. I’m right there, meeting her eyes with my own, and I ask her gently . . . “Who else are you afraid of in the same way you’re afraid of John?”

“My mother,” she says, this time not in a whisper but a voice tinged with anger.
“She treated me the same way John treats me. She did the same things – Every morning she began the day by scolding me. She began with a tease, what seemed to be a compliment, and then criticized me with questions, ridicule, disdain, and outright accusation. Each time what she was attacking me for was different, but the elements were all there. He does the same thing, Judith.”

“And what happened inside you when your mother treated you this way, Sharon?” I dig deeper to get to know her better and find the way to help her.

“I wanted to run away. I wanted to scream ‘Stop.’ I wanted to ask ‘Why are you treating me this way?’ I wished my father hadn’t died leaving me alone with her. I wanted to disappear. But I was terrified and couldn’t move a muscle, couldn’t speak a word, couldn’t even look at her. I felt like I would be trapped there forever. I was afraid I would die there in a frozen heap.” The voice Sharon didn’t have with her mother or John, is, thank goodness, coming to life with me.

‘Is that what happens inside you, Sharon, when John treats you the same way?”

“Exactly the same thing, Judith. Exactly. I don’t know what to do. I’m at my desk and feel like a child. How can I protect myself when I feel like a 3-year old? How can a little girl do my job?”

“Good, Sharon. Your answer and your questions show us how aware you are, and can lead us to the solution and the healing you need.”

“What do you mean, Judith? I don’t understand.”

“We need to stop in a few minutes . . . for today. But I’ll tell you what I mean and that can help you till our next appointment . . . if you’d like to come back. What I mean is this, Sharon: You were deeply wounded by your mother’s abuse of you as a very little girl. The feelings were too much for you to bear. The responses you had were impossible for you to act on. There wasn’t protection to help you feel or act. You were paralyzed with fear. Your experience with John is a re-enactment of those early times with your mother, and your reactions are exactly the same. . . because you haven’t yet found the help to assist you in healing the early wound. My training and my experience as a therapist are for just this purpose: to help you and others like you to heal the original wound to the very root, so you won’t have the same reactions if you find yourself in the same kind of situation, and maybe eventually won’t even experience the same kind of reenactment. Does that make sense to you, Sharon?”

With a bit of hope in her voice she asks, “You mean it is possible to heal this frozen nightmare?”

“Absolutely,” I smile back, “if you want to, and if you are willing to do the work to heal it.”

“I do want to come back next week, Judith. Will you help me?”

“Of course, Sharon. Let’s set an appointment for next week, and when you come, we’ll talk about how to proceed on a regular basis.”

We set the appointment, and before we stand to close the session, I ask Sharon, “What will you take with you when you leave today?”

“Hope, Judith. Hope that I really can heal this way of life I’ve been living as a frozen abused person.”

“That’s wonderful, Sharon. I’ll look forward to helping you move out of a life of abuse.”

There’s no need to do more today. Her leaving with hope is plenty to carry with her through her week. And I’m so aware that every session John has will help heal the abuse in their relationship. But so also will every session Sharon has help heal that same abuse.

** In real life, I would not see both John and Sharon, two people in a relationship, involved in the same situation. That would be crossing a boundary that wouldn’t be good for either of them. But in order to give an inside picture of the experience from every vantage point, I’m writing the stories as though I am working with both of them.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

The Story of John

The discussion of corporate power, its misuses and abuses, abound in our world today. To name a few: companies allowing tainted products to go to market; corporations laying off loyal employees while the “higher ups” enjoy exorbitant salaries, bonuses, and big profits; corporations receiving huge bailouts and continuing to spend and spend on “perks” . . . including continuing to lobby congress for further bailouts. And still more: mortgage lending abuses leading to widespread foreclosures; corporate contributions to political campaigns as a way to buy favors; corporate control within mass media; use of our planet’s limited resources for corporate gain; inhuman conditions in foreign sweatshops. Are corporations truly concerned with public interest or simply determined to keep their power? And who benefits from this power hoarding?

The following story takes this issue to an even deeper place; the place where change must occur in order for our world to recover. This place is within each of us. How do we use our personal power? Personal power misuse and abuse can undermine the potential of any corporation. And right use of power has the ability to transform it.

Imagine if . . . corporations, their employees and leaders fearlessly worked to improve our world. Imagine if . . . corporate resources were only used to improve a balanced bottom line while respecting the planet, employees, and future generations. Imagine if . . . the leaders of every organization worked with their feelings so they didn’t have to act them out on the corporate and world stage. Imagine if . . . every one of us did our own healing work so that we could contribute to this vision in the best way possible.

As organizational leaders and change agents are you prepared to personally take on the challenge of deep change? Are you willing to look at how the transformation of your inner world can in turn transform your outer world? Are you willing to heal your relationship with power for the betterment of yourself, an improved impact on your co-workers and employees, and the transformation of your organization?

The Story of John

John storms into his office fuming, slams the door behind him, and paces around the room. Through his glass enclosed CEO office, he takes in all that he has built in the past ten years. And, quite frankly, he doesn’t give a damn who sees him in his self-justified rage.

Sharon, his executive assistant, did not give him what he wanted. She didn’t have the report ready as much ahead of time as John wanted; she didn’t have it put together in a sophisticated enough package; the font and type size she chose turned him off; and she had absolutely no graphics in the report at all. But worst of all . . . she didn’t know what he wanted without his having to ask her!

As he paces and mutters to himself, the fuming calms and then rises again to a fevered pitch. “How could she not have known? She’s had six months to learn about me. To discover what I need and want!”

This is the fifth assistant in 2½ years that he let go after six months on the job. Is he ever going to find the right assistant?

John, president of a very successful financial company, has built his business from nothing. All by himself! And at the expense of everyone who works for him. Not an employee in the company escapes his displeasure. Whether it comes in the form of subtle chipping away at self-confidence, threats of dismissal if something is not done John’s way, public humiliation in meetings and in the everyday office environment, or fiery rages … each employee knows someday, any day, he or she might be the recipient. Everyone walks on eggshells at the office, and particularly around John.

And why does John allow himself to behave this way? Isn’t he aware of what he’s doing? Doesn’t he care that he is alienating and frightening everyone in his company? Perhaps everyone with whom he does business? Doesn’t he feel any remorse? What can he be thinking?

One of John’s best customers, Arnie, has witnessed this power dynamic in John’s company a couple of times while visiting. Employees walk on eggshells. John explodes. Employees cower. And John leans over to Arnie, as though he’s about to confide in his customer. “Our foundational policy, Arnie, is to give the customer what he wants. For my employees, you’re the customer. And so am I. We get what we want! That’s it!”

Arnie is repelled by this, but doesn’t let on in the moment. Finally, one day, it is Arnie who leans over to John to confide in his business colleague, “You might not want to hear this, John, but I have to tell you. I don’t feel good about how you treat your employees. I think you have a problem.”

“What!” bristles John. “What are you telling me?”
“You treat them like slaves who should be at your beck and call,” continues Arnie. “I think you need to get some help. I know a woman who helps people with just this kind of situation. She helps them get to the root of why and how they use or misuse their power the way they do. She aims to help them use their power well, magnificently . . . which is exquisite leadership. Actually, John, I had a situation in my company with one of my employees that I had to address. She helped me a lot, both with my employee and with myself. That’s why I’m now able to talk to you about this.”

“What are you saying, Arnie? That I abuse my power? That I’m an abuser?” John asks with his words, while protesting with his tone of voice. His mind is racing. Now he is scared. He doesn’t dare tell Arnie that he has lost 3 customers in the past six months because of the same thing. He feels threatened. To save his business with Arnie, maybe to save his business period, he is going to have to go see this woman and prove to Arnie he’s trying.

“How does it feel to you to think that, John?”

“Horrible,” blurts John, partly to ease the threat and partly because it’s true. Something inside John is just beginning to shift. “But if it’s true, I want to do something about it. I’ve thought I was just being a strong boss. I don’t want to be abusive – to anyone.”

Arnie takes out his own business card, turns it over, writes on it, and hands John the card. “Here, John. Call this woman, Judith.”

John calls me, saying Arnie has referred him. When he comes for the initial consultation, he is blustery at first. Telling me about his conversation with Arnie, the business he has recently lost, and his desire to build not destroy his company, within a couple of minutes he begins to soften. As he watches and feels my response to him, he continues to open up with me. He tells me about his outburst with Sharon. In his description are just the clues I need:

“How could she not know?
She’s had six months to learn about me.
To discover what I need and want!”

“Does that feel and sound familiar to you, John?” I gently explore.
“No. Why do you ask?” he inquires, taken aback.

“To me, John, it feels like your response to Sharon is not about the current time. It is far too intense and deep to be about today. It sounds like what Sharon did or did not do is pushing a button in you, sparking something from your childhood. Perhaps before you ever had words to speak or could even think in words. My sense, John … we have the clues both to find the root of your reaction and to help you not just control it, but even heal it. If you want to do that.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re way over my head,” John prickles in confusion and frustration.

“Let me ask you this, John. Do you decide you’re going to yell at Sharon before you begin?”

“Of course not. Do you think I would be such a fool?” John bridles defensively.

“I’m not trying to criticize or demean you in any way, John. I’m attempting to gather one more piece of information before I show you the clues I’ve gathered. I just need to know if you decide you’re going to yell at Sharon or if the explosion just seems to come on its own.”

“It erupts like a volcano. It has a life of its own.” He begins to settle down. I’m quite sure I have seen the beginnings of the reaction John experiences on a daily basis.

“Thank you, John.” I start pulling the threads together. “When we have unfinished, unresolved, or unhealed issues from our childhood, they erupt in relation to everything in our lives, particularly the people in our lives. When that happens, it is the sign post to the work we need to undertake. The key: The here and now events are the gateway to past occurrences that are still alive and unresolved within us.”

“I’ve never heard of such a thing,” John comments, a bit more open, curiosity aroused.

“It’s true for all of us, John,” I continue teaching, building a foundation of understanding for showing him his personal issues. “You, me, Arnie. Everyone in your company, everyone in your family. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, clergy, politicians, government officials, world leaders. All of us. The task is to find the clues, trace them to their source, understand the patterns and defense we’ve developed to avoid the early pain, and do the deep work to heal ourselves to the root. If we don’t do the work inside ourselves related to our own past, then we create in the outer world something that is painful for us and those around us. I think this is what’s happening at your office.”

“So at least I’m not alone,” relief breathes through John’s pores.

“No, you aren’t, John,” I assure him. “And here are the first few clues: You have not gotten past the first six months with any assistant in the past 2 ½ years. Six months seems to be an important threshold for you. When you are triggered, or as I call it ‘evoked,’ your response is reflexive and somewhere on the continuum from displeasure to volcanic rage. The words that go with your feelings are: ‘How could she not know? She’s had six months to learn about me. To discover what I need and want!’ Right here, John we have enough information to guide us.”

“I understand, but I don’t know where you’re going with it,” John sounds annoyed again.

“Here’s where I’m going, John. My hunch: the explosive, abusive reaction of the almost six foot tall, 220-pound man that you are . . . is really the emotional response of 6-month old baby John, whose mother still didn’t attune to him after six months of knowing him. Who still didn’t know what he needed and wanted after all that time.”

John chokes a bit, perhaps on the tears that he can’t yet allow to flow. Color rises slowly in his face. When he is finally able to speak, he whispers, “That rings true.” After a few minutes in silence, John continues softly, hesitantly, “What next?”

“We will need to end this consultation in about 10 minutes, John. What would you like to do next?” I ask, putting the power of choice back in his hands.

“I feel scared and hopeful,” he responds honestly. “I don’t think what I’ve learned in an hour today is going to solve the problem. But I would like to work with you in the hopes that we can end my explosions. Do you think that’s possible?”

“Yes, I do, John, especially if you want to,” I respond in celebration. “And I’d be glad to work with you to that end. You’ve made a powerful start. In the long run, this will be healing for you, for your company, for your employees, and for your customers. And it will be a profound imprint for healing the misuse of power in our world.”

We schedule a weekly appointment. I give John a consciousness-building homework assignment – to write everything he’s aware of when he has been triggered. And we say ‘goodbye’ until next week. After John leaves, I give great thanks for one more step toward healing the misuse and abuse of power in our world, and helping people to use their power well!

Note 1: This story is a fictionalized composite of real life experiences.
Note 2: It is not only employers who misuse and abuse their power. Employees do, too. I’m using this example to make a point: if the employer doesn’t heal his or her misuse and abuse of power, the entire organization suffers, with a rippling effect out into the world.

©Copyright 2009 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Recently the U.S. backed President of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, reportedly signed a law which legalizes the rape of a wife by her husband by not allowing her to refuse sex, and prevents women from leaving the house without a man’s permission. This is a blatant attack on womanhood…and another example of the abuse of power that is rampant in our world. But this abuse is now out in the open, ready, waiting, and even screaming to be healed.

Rape is an act of power and control. The act of rape is often a defense against ancient inner wounds to a man’s relationship with his own mother, and a reaction to the feelings of powerlessness he may have had in childhood. How could a man be willing to treat women like this . . . unless he’s still angry at the first woman in his life, his mother?

And why would we, women and men, stay silent and allow such an act to go unchallenged? This too has its roots in childhood wounding. Healing this vacuum where effective use of power needs to be cannot stop at the here-and-now level. We all, men and women, need to heal our own early wounds around being powerless – with mother and anyone else in our childhood, whether it be a particular person, a family tradition, a cultural norm.

Right action on the here and now level is of course necessary and a crucial first step to the healing process. But…by itself, nothing in the outer world in the current day will truly resolve rape and violence against women and create sustainable change. Not the legal process. Not incarceration. Not injunctions. Not anger. Not politics. Not government. Not even therapy that deals with controlling behavior, feelings, and thoughts. Healing the experience of powerlessness and all the feelings involved to the source in childhood is absolutely crucial if we are going to create and sustain the changes we need to have happen in our world.

How do we do this? It’s a big task. . .

Taking children’s feelings seriously is crucial. Parents doing their own inner work of mind, body, heart, and soul is also crucial . . . so they won’t abuse their power with their children out of their own childhood wounds. Helping our society not be afraid of our feelings is absolutely crucial. Teaching people the difference between feelings that are truly right to act on in the present moment and feelings that are guides to healing ancient wounds, not to be acted on in the present moment is absolutely crucial. Drawing a boundary between the feelings that are from the past and action that could be destructive, then getting the help to use those feelings for healing is absolutely crucial.

Reweaving the fabric of our society to include an understanding of feelings, an honoring of feelings, an inclusion of utilizing feelings for healing is absolutely crucial.

Our not using our power to challenge laws and attitudes that condone rape is an abuse of power in itself. Healing our relationships with power – in a way that helps us work through our feelings at the core – is not only possible, but crucial – for the sake of ourselves, our sisters, our mothers, our daughters…our fathers, our brothers, our sons…and for the sake of our world!

©Copyright 2o09 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“When the generativity and responsiveness of our power is guided by loving concern for the well-being of all, we will have an ethical and sustainable world. Power directed by heart. Heart infused with power. This is the key to right use of power.” ~ Cedar Barstow

“Ethics is the ongoing process of applying principles of higher intelligence to the problems of personal and collective existence, and endowing life with values that support the well-being of all. Ethics is the care we show in affecting the lives of others as well as a sense for where one’s greatest value lies in relation to others. Ethics might be summarized as cause and effect in balance, and applied for the greatest good.” ~Glenda Green

Power and how to use it is in the news. The common concept of power as force with any other use being considered weak and naïve is breaking down and evolving up. Studies (www.nonviolent-conflict.org) conclude “that major nonviolent campaigns have achieved success 53 percent of the time, compared with 26 percent for violent resistance campaigns.” Other studies show that altruism and basic goodness are hardwired in human nature. (Shankar Vedantam, 5/27/07. Washington Post; and Cedar Barstow. (2008). Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics, pp. 240-244.)

President Obama and Hillary Clinton’s foreign policy paradigm focuses on “smart power” (a term coined by Harvard Professor, (Howard Nye, 12/4/08. www.HuffingtonPost.org) to describe the effective use of “hard” power and “soft” power. “There is now out-front talk about how attracting people to another set of possibilities that meet their needs is the only way to win the war on terrorism….and that the least possible violence is rule one.” (Elizabeth Cogburn, personal communication 12/6/08) Smart Power acknowledges the strength and effectiveness of focusing on peaceful global negotiations. This is akin to my Right Use of Power approach advocating the use of power with heart, combining strength with compassion. Even right use of “soft power” requires compassion and action toward the common good, because even non-violence can be manipulated to be self-serving.

Going deeper, I want to speak about discernments in the crucial balance between being forceful and being collaborative in the use of personal and professional power. Power, by definition, is simply, the ability to have an effect or to have influence. Ethics is concerned with being in right relationship with those whom your power affects or influences. Kathryn Alexander (personal communication 2/3/08) has a useful model that she uses with her business clients. She names three different uses of power within an organization: manipulative, influential, and appreciative. Expanding on her model, I find that there is both “good news” and “bad news” in each of these uses. The names I give them are: forceful, directive, and collaborative.

FORCEFUL. There are times when the use of force is required and when being accepting would be a misuse of power. Organizations and professions need rules, codes, and emergency procedures. Further, they need to be able to take decisive actions to enforce these for the protection of all. However, the use of force when it is not appropriate tends to beget anger, revenge, resentment, and disempowerment. Habitual use of force by leaders does not inspire co-operation and creativity.

DIRECTIVE. This is the use of leadership influence. Leaders and professionals, because of the enhanced perspective that accompanies their power differential role, do have a larger view of the Whole. People need the direction and inspiration that comes from this view. The bad news, of course, is that, as a leader or professional habitually using directive power, your influence tends to depend on and thus be limited by how well you are liked. Morale and commitment to the whole may become ephemeral.

COLLABORATIVE. This is truly smart power and works best for the common good because it engages clients or members of a group, in a common vision which leads to increased creativity, co-operation, and empowerment that is not dependent on force or top-down direction. The bad news is that is force and direction are not also appropriately used, the organization or professional relationship can flounder or sink in chaos and inactivity.

I’m guessing that you could give numerous examples of situations in which the overuse of one of these three uses of power has created an organizational or relationship disaster. When informed by compassion and concern for the common good, all three—forceful, directive, collaborative— are right uses of power. Compassion and concern for the common good, are the magical ingredients. To increase your skillfulness and ethical sensitivity, focus on discernment about the appropriate balance of uses of power using your awareness and compassion as guidance.

©Copyright 2009 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

This Must Be Healed!… Recently, I learned from a friend, that his company was taken over from the inside. This was political. It may have happened in a company, but it could have happened in an educational institution, a religious institution, or in a government. My friend shared with me that his company was taken over from the inside, that people who had been in the company, partners in the company even, for 30 years, were let go . . . all that mattered was money. That the values of the company collapsed . . . all that mattered was money. That the humanitarian efforts the company had so embraced previously were tossed aside . . . all that mattered was money. That the people who had devoted themselves to the company were thrown out . . . all that mattered was money. That the people who remained only mattered in relation to how much money they could bring in . . . all that mattered was money.

At the root, people’s relationships with money and feelings about money preceded the current market turmoil by a long, long time. Those feelings – whether they appear as anxiety, fear, anger, greed, power, helplessness – will be here long after the chaos of our economy right now is calmed down. In fact, the feelings at the root of our relationships with money exist all the time. They are not going to go away, certainly not as a result of things we do on the practical level in the outer world – not by selling our assets, getting another job, destroying the company to which people have been committed for decades, making nothing matter but money!

The only thing that can help resolve those feelings is for us to do the work in our inner world – the world of our psyche and soul – to discover, explore, heal, and improve our relationship with money at its source. In other words, the things we do in the outer world cannot be sustained without our also doing things in our inner world that bring healing and transformation.

This is a time in which each of us will be faced with choices again and again. Whether in our families, our companies, our communities, our countries, our world, we will meet the choice to act with kindness or cruelty, to treat people with dignity or consider them only a tool with which to get what we want. We will meet the choice to look outside, inside, or both. We will meet the choice to heal to the root or to act out our woundedness in our world . . . in our families, our companies, our communities, our countries, and our world!

Power, like lightning, is a raw, vibrant force of nature . . . with the potential for great harm, and the possibility for magnificent good. Each of us chooses, whether consciously or unconsciously, how we will use the power of our own life energy.*

Deep Chanage: How Healing Your Relationship with Power can Transform your Organization

The Story of John

The discussion of corporate power, its misuses and abuses, abound in our world today. To name a few: companies allowing tainted products to go to market; corporations laying off loyal employees while the “higher ups” enjoy exorbitant salaries, bonuses, and big profits; corporations receiving huge bailouts and continuing to spend and spend on “perks” . . . including continuing to lobby congress for further bailouts. And still more: mortgage lending abuses leading to widespread foreclosures; corporate contributions to political campaigns as a way to buy favors; corporate control within mass media; use of our planet’s limited resources for corporate gain; inhuman conditions in foreign sweatshops. Are corporations truly concerned with public interest or simply determined to keep their power? And who benefits from this power hoarding?

The following story takes this issue to an even deeper place; the place where change must occur in order for our world to recover. This place is within each of us. How do we use our personal power? Personal power misuse and abuse can undermine the potential of any corporation. And right use of power has the ability to transform it.

Imagine if . . . corporations, their employees and leaders fearlessly worked to improve our world. Imagine if . . . corporate resources were only used to improve a balanced bottom line while respecting the planet, employees, and future generations. Imagine if . . . the leaders of every organization worked with their feelings so they didn’t have to act them out on the corporate and world stage. Imagine if . . . every one of us did our own healing work so that we could contribute to this vision in the best way possible.

As organizational leaders and change agents are you prepared to personally take on the challenge of deep change? Are you willing to look at how the transformation of your inner world can in turn transform your outer world? Are you willing to heal your relationship with power for the betterment of yourself, an improved impact on your co-workers and employees, and the transformation of your organization?

*******
John storms into his office fuming, slams the door behind him, and paces around the room. Through his glass enclosed CEO office, he takes in all that he has built in the past ten years. And, quite frankly, he doesn’t give a damn who sees him in his self-justified rage.

Sharon, his executive assistant, did not give him what he wanted. She didn’t have the report ready as much ahead of time as John wanted; she didn’t have it put together in a sophisticated enough package; the font and type size she chose turned him off; and she had absolutely no graphics in the report at all. But worst of all . . . she didn’t know what he wanted without his having to ask her!

As he paces and mutters to himself, the fuming calms and then rises again to a fevered pitch. “How could she not have known? She’s had six months to learn about me. To discover what I need and want!”

This is the fifth assistant in 2½ years that he let go after six months on the job. Is he ever going to find the right assistant?

********

John, president of a very successful financial company, has built his business from nothing. All by himself! And at the expense of everyone who works for him. Not an employee in the company escapes his displeasure. Whether it comes in the form of subtle chipping away at self-confidence, threats of dismissal if something is not done John’s way, public humiliation in meetings and in the everyday office environment, or fiery rages … each employee knows someday, any day, he or she might be the recipient. Everyone walks on eggshells at the office, and particularly around John.

And why does John allow himself to behave this way? Isn’t he aware of what he’s doing? Doesn’t he care that he is alienating and frightening everyone in his company? Perhaps everyone with whom he does business? Doesn’t he feel any remorse? What can he be thinking?

********

One of John’s best customers, Arnie, has witnessed this power dynamic in John’s company a couple of times while visiting. Employees walk on eggshells. John explodes. Employees cower. And John leans over to Arnie, as though he’s about to confide in his customer. “Our foundational policy, Arnie, is to give the customer what he wants. For my employees, you’re the customer. And so am I. We get what we want! That’s it!”

Arnie is repelled by this, but doesn’t let on in the moment. Finally, one day, it is Arnie who leans over to John to confide in his business colleague, “You might not want to hear this, John, but I have to tell you. I don’t feel good about how you treat your employees. I think you have a problem.”

“What!” bristles John. “What are you telling me?”
“You treat them like slaves who should be at your beck and call,” continues Arnie. “I think you need to get some help. I know a woman who helps people with just this kind of situation. She helps them get to the root of why and how they use or misuse their power the way they do. She aims to help them use their power well, magnificently . . . which is exquisite leadership. Actually, John, I had a situation in my company with one of my employees that I had to address. She helped me a lot, both with my employee and with myself. That’s why I’m now able to talk to you about this.”

“What are you saying, Arnie? That I abuse my power? That I’m an abuser?” John asks with his words, while protesting with his tone of voice. His mind is racing. Now he is scared. He doesn’t dare tell Arnie that he has lost 3 customers in the past six months because of the same thing. He feels threatened. To save his business with Arnie, maybe to save his business period, he is going to have to go see this woman and prove to Arnie he’s trying.

“How does it feel to you to think that, John?”

“Horrible,” blurts John, partly to ease the threat and partly because it’s true. Something inside John is just beginning to shift. “But if it’s true, I want to do something about it. I’ve thought I was just being a strong boss. I don’t want to be abusive – to anyone.”

Arnie takes out his own business card, turns it over, writes on it, and hands John the card. “Here, John. Call this woman, Judith.”

********

John calls me, saying Arnie has referred him. When he comes for the initial consultation, he is blustery at first. Telling me about his conversation with Arnie, the business he has recently lost, and his desire to build not destroy his company, within a couple of minutes he begins to soften. As he watches and feels my response to him, he continues to open up with me. He tells me about his outburst with Sharon. In his description are just the clues I need:

“How could she not know?
She’s had six months to learn about me.
To discover what I need and want!”

“Does that feel and sound familiar to you, John?” I gently explore.
“No. Why do you ask?” he inquires, taken aback.

“To me, John, it feels like your response to Sharon is not about the current time. It is far too intense and deep to be about today. It sounds like what Sharon did or did not do is pushing a button in you, sparking something from your childhood. Perhaps before you ever had words to speak or could even think in words. My sense, John … we have the clues both to find the root of your reaction and to help you not just control it, but even heal it. If you want to do that.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re way over my head,” John prickles in confusion and frustration.

*******

“Let me ask you this, John. Do you decide you’re going to yell at Sharon before you begin?”

“Of course not. Do you think I would be such a fool?” John bridles defensively.

“I’m not trying to criticize or demean you in any way, John. I’m attempting to gather one more piece of information before I show you the clues I’ve gathered. I just need to know if you decide you’re going to yell at Sharon or if the explosion just seems to come on its own.”

“It erupts like a volcano. It has a life of its own.” He begins to settle down. I’m quite sure I have seen the beginnings of the reaction John experiences on a daily basis.

“Thank you, John.” I start pulling the threads together. “When we have unfinished, unresolved, or unhealed issues from our childhood, they erupt in relation to everything in our lives, particularly the people in our lives. When that happens, it is the sign post to the work we need to undertake. The key: The here and now events are the gateway to past occurrences that are still alive and unresolved within us.”

“I’ve never heard of such a thing,” John comments, a bit more open, curiosity aroused.

“It’s true for all of us, John,” I continue teaching, building a foundation of understanding for showing him his personal issues. “You, me, Arnie. Everyone in your company, everyone in your family. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, clergy, politicians, government officials, world leaders. All of us. The task is to find the clues, trace them to their source, understand the patterns and defense we’ve developed to avoid the early pain, and do the deep work to heal ourselves to the root. If we don’t do the work inside ourselves related to our own past, then we create in the outer world something that is painful for us and those around us. I think this is what’s happening at your office.”

“So at least I’m not alone,” relief breathes through John’s pores.

“No, you aren’t, John,” I assure him. “And here are the first few clues: You have not gotten past the first six months with any assistant in the past 2 ½ years. Six months seems to be an important threshold for you. When you are triggered, or as I call it ‘evoked,’ your response is reflexive and somewhere on the continuum from displeasure to volcanic rage. The words that go with your feelings are: ‘How could she not know? She’s had six months to learn about me. To discover what I need and want!’ Right here, John we have enough information to guide us.”

“I understand, but I don’t know where you’re going with it,” John sounds annoyed again.

“Here’s where I’m going, John. My hunch: the explosive, abusive reaction of the almost six foot tall, 220-pound man that you are . . . is really the emotional response of 6-month old baby John, whose mother still didn’t attune to him after six months of knowing him. Who still didn’t know what he needed and wanted after all that time.”

John chokes a bit, perhaps on the tears that he can’t yet allow to flow. Color rises slowly in his face. When he is finally able to speak, he whispers, “That rings true.” After a few minutes in silence, John continues softly, hesitantly, “What next?”

“We will need to end this consultation in about 10 minutes, John. What would you like to do next?” I ask, putting the power of choice back in his hands.

“I feel scared and hopeful,” he responds honestly. “I don’t think what I’ve learned in an hour today is going to solve the problem. But I would like to work with you in the hopes that we can end my explosions. Do you think that’s possible?”

“Yes, I do, John, especially if you want to,” I respond in celebration. “And I’d be glad to work with you to that end. You’ve made a powerful start. In the long run, this will be healing for you, for your company, for your employees, and for your customers. And it will be a profound imprint for healing the misuse of power in our world.”

We schedule a weekly appointment. I give John a consciousness-building homework assignment – to write everything he’s aware of when he has been triggered. And we say ‘goodbye’ until next week. After John leaves, I give great thanks for one more step toward healing the misuse and abuse of power in our world, and helping people to use their power well!

Note 1: This story is a fictionalized composite of real life experiences.
Note 2: It is not only employers who misuse and abuse their power. Employees do, too. I’m using this example to make a point: if the employer doesn’t heal his or her misuse and abuse of power, the entire organization suffers, with a rippling effect out into the world.

©Copyright 2o09 by Judith Barr, MA, LMHC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Judith and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I have been paying attention to the power paradox phenomenon since I was introduced to it by Dacher Keltner (www.greatergood.org). Having researched and studied who gets power and how they use it when they get it, Keltner learned that “the skills most important to obtaining power and leading effectively are the very skills that deteriorate once we have power.” These are qualities of modesty, empathy, engagement with the needs of others, skill in negotiating conflicts, enforcing norms, and allocating resources fairly. Given that years of social and brain research support the understanding that empathy and altruism are human birthrights, it is surprising (and clarifying) to me to discover that “once people assume positions of power, they’re likely to act more selfishly, impulsively, and aggressively, and they have a harder time seeing the world from other people’s points of view.” (Keltner) You can read more about these studies at www.greatergood.org (Greater Good Magazine, Vol. IV, Issue 3) and on pages 244-247 of my book: Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics available at www.rightuseofpower.com.

For those in power differential roles of trust and authority, and all of us are in positions of enhanced power in some areas of our lives, it is extremely important to understand this tendency for inborn empathy and the most effective leadership qualities and skills to deteriorate when we are in positions of power. We have good intentions. We earn power by the socially intelligent use of it. Yet when we get more power, we tend to become more vulnerable to misusing power. When we understand this tendency, we are at great advantage as leaders because we can be extra alert for changes in ourselves and self-correct around them.

Now, why does “power corrupt”? I give four conjectures on page 246-247 of Right Use of Power. I want to talk about three of these in relation to some actions on the part of President Obama.

1) Because of the impact of the power differential, those in power-up role are removed and may remove themselves from the checks and balances of the feedback loop in which people tell each other either directly or indirectly about their impact both positive and negative. When in power-down position, it is perceived and may truly be too risky to offer negative feedback. The power-up persons then don’t hear the negatives and either or both lose their ability to reality check and feel immune to the usual consequences of abuse of power. /// I was encouraged to hear the President –elect speak more than once about his concern about being shut off from the experience of ordinary folk by having to live in a protected bubble. I trust this means Obama understands the importance of staying in the feedback loop. This feedback loop includes not only ordinary citizens, but those who disagree. There must be no actual or implied loss of status for disagreeing. I read reports that differences are sought and treated with respect in the new administration. In another example of understanding the importance of the feedback loop for accountability, the President has already put in place changes that will make government and bail-out companies policies and expenditures more transparent.

2) People tend to over-identify with their power role, experiencing their enhanced power in a privileged or skewed way. This leads to grandiosity and an unrealistic sense of Self. Remember the (paraphrased) statement: Because the President says so, it is right… It was refreshing to hear President Obama recently say publically that he “screwed up”. He apologized, and then self-corrected for thinking that there were two sets of values, one for politicians and another one for ordinary people who must pay their taxes. He caught himself losing his perspective and misusing his power. This is rare and good news.

3) People in power-up are also embedded in systems in which it is difficult to act alone and which become invisible even (or especially) to those in the system. These systems support or even mandate particular behaviors that may contribute to right or wrong uses of power. Systems are very complex because members usually are aware of only one or several pieces of the system. Embedded systems and their incumbent power dynamics are extremely challenging to change. We are painfully aware of the complex, flawed and deeply entrenched economic systems that we are desperately needing to shift. One very small but significant move that announces a change in direction is President Obama’s announcement of a mandatory salary cap of $500,000 for executives in any company receiving government bailout funds.

Once again, here’s the power paradox: “Power is given to those individuals, groups, or nations who advance the interests of the greater good in socially-intelligent fashion. [Yet] what people want from leaders—social intelligence—is what is [often] damaged by the experience of power.”(Keltner) It is, therefore, critically important for leaders and professionals to understand this paradox in order to be alert and to take action to undermine it’s effects. This means staying in touch, working both from the top down and the bottom up, owning and being sensitive to your role power, being accountable through transparency, admitting and self-correcting for mistakes, advocating for the common good.

©Copyright 2009 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Today a virtual gathering over 100 GoodTherapy.org Members enjoyed the fifth teleconference in our Fall Teleconference Series: Good Boundaries: Centerpiece of Successful Relationships presented by Cedar Barstow, M.Ed. Big ‘thank yous’ to Cedar for presenting on boundaries and leading us through the exploration of our own boundary styles.

Cedar is a consultant and teacher on ethics issues. She has been designing, developing, and teaching the Right Use of Power, an Attachment based approach to Ethics since 1994. Her background includes 20+ years as a psychotherapist and 15 years as a teacher. She is the author of books and articles on ethics, counseling with elders, women and independence, and psychotherapy and spirituality. Cedar is also a Hakomi Experiential Psychology Trainer, a member of the Naropa University Adjunct Faculty and maintains a private psychotherapy and ethics consulting practice in the Boulder/Denver area, and teaches both Right Use of Power Ethics and Hakomi nationally and internationally.
We encourage all of you to visit Cedar’s website http://www.rightuseofpower.com On Cedar’s website you can find more information about RUOP, view her extensive workshop calendar, take continuing education mini-courses, and purchase her excellent book on Attachment Based Ethics called: Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics—A Resource for the Helping Professional.

Thanks to all of you who attended today’s event,
Noah :)

Noah Rubinstein, LMFT
Executive Director

http://www.GoodTherapy.org

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“The task is to recognize our interdependence, honor boundaries and differences, and remember connectedness.” – Dyrian Benz

“Find the optimum closeness/distance to enable you to experience your OWN unique center of aliveness and awareness, as well as the other’s unique center.” – Mukara Meredith

Good boundaries are a centerpiece for safe and successful relationships. Boundaries are, as well, the space that people consider part of their identity. Skin is the physical boundary. People also have energetic and emotional boundaries. Inadvertent boundary crossings can be very upsetting. Boundaries are very individual, can be negotiated between people, are often communicated non-verbally. They are influenced by cultural values, styles and expectations. Try checking with your clients about precisely what feels to them like the right distance from you. You may be surprised about the amount of variation. Boundaries serve well to provide a consistent container that can define, contain, and limit relationships.

Development of Boundaries

The development of boundaries is a strong aspect of individuation. Boundaries are a fundamental aspect of self-development. Infants are born into a swirling world of new and familiar sensations in which they experience no distinction between self and other—all are merged into one. This is the beginning of the universal and lifelong process of finding a Self. Boundaries define and protect. They allow separation and they can be negotiated to experience the joy of merging. They are both empowering and also provide healthy limits.

Healthy boundary development proceeds through stages briefly described by my Hakomi Method colleague Mukara Meredith as:

1) “Undifferentiated” with the developmental need being to feel welcome and secure in the containment of the caretaker.
2) “Separate But Surrounded” with the developmental need being support and nourishment.
3) “Open Support” with the need for developing autonomy by coming and going from caretaker’s protective presence.
4) “Overlapping” with the need to be able to say no and still belong.
5) “Individuated” with the need to join and separate, and be creative and unique, without fear of loss of love.

Effective boundaries are both secure and flexible. Saying “no” is the simplest form of boundary setting, and may, at times, be necessary to forcefully exert for the protection of clients and others from harm. As a practitioner, you need to be sensitive and responsive to your client’s boundaries, knowing that they may be different from yours.

The 150% equation with boundaries

As the person in the position of greater power and influence, it is your responsibility to set and maintain boundaries. Even though your clients agree to the boundaries you set and often help you in creating the boundaries, you are ultimately responsible for the boundaries. Both you and your clients are responsible for being in right relationship, but you, the practitioner are 150% responsible for both managing the boundaries and repairing them if broken. The 150% equation applies.

Here are some boundary examples in which the power differential can have a significant and harmful impact:

Physical: using touch unconsciously or not attending to spatial boundaries

Emotional: encouraging emotional dependence or being too personally revealing so that your clients feel they must take care of you

Mental: creating a psychologically impactful “smart/dumb” dynamic

Energetic: communicating through one’s energy a more intimate relationship than is real or appropriate

Sexual: becoming intimately involved with your client or encouraging or implying the possibility

Financial: not being clear about your financial contracting or keeping a client longer than they are benefiting from your service

Environmental: not creating a safe, private, and attractive office setting

Social: engaging in or not managing dual relationships

Time: not holding clear time boundaries by being late or going over the time, rushing or being abrupt, or not having or keeping a clear cancellation policy

Role: not owning and skillfully using the power you have

Take a few minutes to reflect on each of these professional boundaries and notice how you are in relation to each one. Pick one of these to work on handling better. Choose a specific and behavioral way you can make some improvement. Arrange to get some feedback from a friend or colleague.

©Copyright 2008 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Given that brain research and universal religious values support basic goodness and natural altruism, why is it that there is so much misuse and abuse of power? This is a question I have been tracking since I was a youngster at camp and I became very distressed and just could not understand why one of my tent-mates had stolen another camper’s comic books.

This is a question that has also concerned Dr. Dacher Keltner, a professor of psychology at the University of California. He has done considerable research about who gets power and how they use it once they get it. It seems we have been “guided by centuries of advice from Machiavelli” and more recently “from Robert Greene’s The 48 Laws of Power, (for example: Conceal Your Intentions, Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm Your Victims, Crush Your Enemy Totally, Keep Others in Suspended Terror) to tend to believe that attaining power requires force, deception, manipulation, and coercion. Indeed, we might even assume that positions of power demand this kind of conduct-that to run smoothly, society needs leaders who are willing and able to use power this way.”

New research on power, supported by brain research on hard-wired morality referred to earlier in this chapter, reveals, however, that “power is wielded most effectively when it’s used responsibly, by people who are attuned to and engaged with the needs and interests of others. Years of research suggests that empathy and social intelligence are vastly more important to acquiring and exercising power than are force, deception, or terror. [However,] studies also show that once people assume positions of power, they’re likely to act more selfishly, impulsively, and aggressively, and they have a harder time seeing the world from other people’s points of view. This presents us with the paradox of power: The skills most important to obtaining power and leading effectively are the very skills that deteriorate once we have power.”

Naming and understanding this power paradox is of great importance to the soul work of right use of power advocated here. When in positions of power, we are in positions in which we are on the power-up side of the power differential. Knowing that research shows that in these positions, we are more vulnerable to misusing power, we need to increase our sensitivity, and vigilance about continuing to use our power rightly.

The research is interesting. “Highly detailed studies of ‘chimpanzee politics’ have found that social power among non-human primates is based less on sheer strength, coercion, and the unbridled assertion of self-interest, and more on the ability to negotiate conflicts, to enforce group norms, and to allocate resources fairly.” Dacher Keltner’s research shows similar results with human social hierarchies. In research about social hierarchies within college dormitories, the researchers “made the remarkable discovery that modesty may be critical to maintaining power. Individuals who are modest about their own power actually rise in hierarchies and maintain the status and respect of their peers, while individuals with an inflated, grandiose sense of power quickly fall to the bottom rungs….[In addition,] people instinctively identify individuals who might undermine the interest of the group, and prevent those people from rising in power, through what we call ‘reputational discourse.’” So cultivation and use of social intelligence, i.e. modesty, empathy, engagement with the needs of others, and skill in negotiating conflicts, enforcing norms, an allocating resources fairly is not only right use of power but important to both gaining and maintaining power.

Now let’s look at the research about the other side of the power paradox. Research shows that “power leads people to act in impulsive fashion, both good and bad, and to fail to understand other people’s feelings and desires….For instance, studies have found that people given power in experiments are more likely to rely on stereotypes when judging others, and they pay less attention to the characteristics that define those other people as individuals. Predisposed to stereotype, they also judge others’ attitudes, interests, and needs less accurately….Power encourages individuals to act on their own whims, desires, and impulses. When researchers give people power in scientific experiments, those people are more likely to physically touch others in potentially inappropriate ways, to flirt in more direct fashion, [and] to make risky choices and gambles….Perhaps more unsettling is the wealth of evidence that having power makes people more likely to….interrupt others, to speak out of turn, and to fail to look at others who are speaking….Surveys of organizations find that most rude behaviors—shouting, profanities, bald critiques—emanate from the offices….of individuals in positions of power.”

Once again, here’s the power paradox: “Power is given to those individuals, groups, or nations who advance the interests of the greater good in socially-intelligent fashion. Yes, unfortunately, having power renders many individuals….impulsive and poorly attuned to others, ….making them prone to act abusively and lose the esteem of their peers. What people want from leaders—social intelligence—is what is damaged by the experience of power.”

What factors would begin to explain this odd paradox? Here’s my sense of it:
1) Because of the impact of the power differential, those in power-up role are removed and remove themselves from the checks and balances of the feedback loop in which people tell each other either directly or indirectly about their impact both positive and negative. When in power-down position, it is perceived and may truly be too risky to offer negative feedback. The power-up persons then don’t hear the negatives and either or both lose their ability to reality check and feel immune to the usual consequences of abuse of power.
2) People tend to over-identify with their power role, experiencing their enhanced power as entirely personal rather than role power. This leads to grandiosity and an unrealistic sense of Self.
3) People in power-up are also embedded in systems in which it is difficult to act alone and which become invisible to those in the system. These systems support or even mandate particular behaviors that may contribute to right or wrong uses of power. Systems are very complex because members usually are aware of only one or several pieces of the system.
4) We have socially conditioned expectations and misconceptions about the use of power. We have long been accustomed to thinking of power as manipulation, undue force, coercion, terror, and deception. We have understood that that was what power was, how it was earned, and how it was effective. And so we have put up with this model of power and sanctioned it, even though it causes egregious harm. Now is the time to change our model of power.

Changing our personal and collective expectations about right use of power to one that embodies social intelligence and links power with heart is truly ethics as soul work. Movement toward this change will happen through:
1) Owning your personal and professional power as the vital ability to use power to prevent harm, reduce harm, repair harm, and promote well-being;
2) Campaigning for a socially-intelligent model of power;
3) Developing and using your skills for actively participating in the feedback loop;
4) Becoming more and more sensitive to your impact especially when in power differential positions;
5) Strategically and skillfully stopping expecting, condoning, or feeling helpless about misuses of power in systems and power-up individuals. Begin to expect and require social intelligence. This is right use of soul power.

i Dacher Keltner, from Greater Good magazine, Volume IV, Issue 3
ii Dacher Keltner, op. cit.
iii Christopher Boehm, Greater Good magazine, Volume IV, Issue 3
iv Dacher Keltner, op.cit.
v Dacher Keltner, op.cit.
vi Dacher Keltner, op. cit.

©Copyright 2007 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Following last month’s brief notes about Altruism and the Soul, this piece focuses on the development of morality and the ethical values and behaviors that accompany this developmental process. Part III will talk about the Power Paradox and its relationship to the Power Differential. The Power Differential, as mentioned in an earlier column, is the foundation for the need for ethical codes and guidelines for people in professional positions of power and authority. The Power Paradox derives from research pointing to the need for increasing sensitivity to the impacts of the Power Differential on professionals themselves.

Ethical use of power begins in empathy and altruistic pleasure. We are born with a basic moral compass, based in empathy and the natural desire to take action on behalf of others. This is most obvious in the outpouring of care for a family member or a situation in which one is directly involved. Simple moral decisions activate a straightforward brain response. The Snyders have spent a lifetime studying young children as persons. They have consistently found that children have an inborn pre-disposition for justice and caring. “Unless they have been dehumanized by adults….children reveal the capacity to be empathically attuned to each other, to co-create a ‘justice culture,’ to support fairness, safety and the restoration of relationship, and to be naturally interested in what works for the well-being of all.” This is what we would expect from our brain wiring. Of course, when this brain wiring in the frontal lobes is damaged or inoperative, people suffer from a complete lack of empathy and conscience, clinically labeled psychopathy. While not all who meet the definition of psychopath are violent, they live with a lack of the normal empathy and conscience that guides behavior. When in leadership positions, and they are there, these people are particularly difficult if not impossible to deal with.

Our brains are hard-wired for empathic responses toward the well-being of others. There is global agreement about basic human rights, in theory at least elucidated in detail in the U.N. Universal Declaration of Human Rights, reprinted in the Appendix. There are virtues common to descriptions of what qualities are important to being a good person in the core teachings of major world religions. Linda Kavelin and Dan Popov identified 52 of these through studying the texts of the world’s great religions. Karen Armstrong recently proposed the creation of a contract for compassion to be signed by the leaders of world religions. Global agreement on top values of honesty, responsibility, respect, and fairness exists. Clear situations where there is a choice to alleviate suffering, like picking up a hurt child, giving money to support victims of a fire, sharing food with someone who is hungry, activate a straightforward brain response.

Other situations are more complex and activate competing brain center activity, like abortion, euthanasia, population control, use of global resources. Here’s where the life long process of moral and ethical development begins.

There are many moral development theories. I’ll mention several here. Lawrence Kohlberg, who delineated the classic theory of stages and levels, identifies developmental perceptions of rules and of what “right” is. Oversimplifying his system, rules are to be obeyed to avoid punishment; then rules are to be followed in order not to cause harm; and then rules are seen as beneficial and can be changed if they are unfair. “Right” is first seen as satisfying one’s own needs; then as doing one’s duty and respecting authority; and then right is an integrated and organic expression of concern for all in a given situation. Knowledge of these developmental and perceptual differences has potential value in fine-tuning your skills in dealing with clients, colleagues and superiors who may be guided by different perceptions, especially in talking about ethical codes and the concept of right use of power.

Carol Gilligan, another theorist, using Kohlberg’s model, found that in their moral development, men tend to operate from an ethic of justice while women operate from an ethic of care. While Kohlberg puts focus on justice as a higher stage than a focus on care, Gilligan considers these a same level difference between boys and girls. Gilligan says, “An ethic of justice proceeds from the premise of equality—that all should be treated the same,” while “an ethic of care rests on the premise of non-violence—that no one should be harmed.” The flavor of this difference seems to be reflected in the difference in perspective between relationship prudence (as seen in mediation and restorative justice programs) and jurisprudence (as seen in most grievance processes and in legal actions.) The right use of power model advocated here is a meld of the two concerns—for justice, and for care—power with heart.

Ken Wilber speaks of evolution as proceeding by including and yet transcending what went before. Both he and Gilligan would agree that moral and ethical development proceeds in this fashion. Moral development is seen as a hierarchical in that “each stage has a higher capacity for care and compassion.” Stage 1 is labeled egocentric—morality is centered on “me”. Including and transcending, by Stage 2 called ethnocentric, a person’s identity now extends to members of their group, i.e. community, family, religious affiliation, school. At Stage 3 world centric another inclusion and expansion has taken place and care and compassion is felt and expressed toward all of humanity. Gilligan follows development further in describing the highest stage of moral development, which she calls integrated, as a 4th stage in which the voices of the masculine and feminine, the voices for justice and the voices for compassion, become integrated. It is clear that at the egocentric stage, moral decisions are relatively simple and black and white. Parents and teachers know that children feel empathy and can act on behalf of others. However, as we expand into the ethnocentric, world centric and integrated stages, ethical sensitivity, awareness, and decision-making becomes more and more complex and challenging. These higher levels of development are what I consider the soul work of using power with heart.

I see ethical development as occurring in a spiraling fashion, as in the power spiral described in this book—moral development spiraling through the four dimensions. Ken Wilber speaks of development unfolding in 4 quadrants (4 fundamental perspectives), which seem akin to the 4 dimensions in the right use of power model. Wilber’s 4 quadrants roughly correspond to the 4 dimensions perspectives (see pages 10-11 for more detail) as follows:

4 Quadrants
“I” (the inside of the individual)
“It” (the outside of the individual)
“We” (the inside of the collective)
“Its” (the outside of the collective)

4 Dimensions
Self (Be Compassionate)
Guidance (Be Informed)
Relationship (Be Connected)
Wisdom (Be Skillful)

The power spiral model, is further developed in the book: Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics, by Cedar Barstow. The power spiral offers both guidance and a framework for ethical soul work leading to effective and wise world service.

i Maryhelen Snyder, personal conversation about The Young Child as Person, Martha, Ross Sr., Ross Jr.
iinRobert Hercz, internet article Psychopaths Among Us.
Dr. Robert Hare has done research on the nature of psychopathy and developed an instrument called the Psychopathy Checklist which is used to measure psychopathy. Using this instrument, he estimates that 1% of Canadians, exhibit psychopathic behavior. Most of these people are not violent, but about 20% of the inmates in Canadian prisons satisfy the Hare definition of a psychopath and they are responsible for over half of all violent crime.
iii Linda Kavelin and Dan Popov, The Family Virtues Guide
iv see http://www.ted.com/index.php/pages/view/id/162
v Rushworth Kidder, Shared Vaules for a Troubled World: Conversations with Men and Women of Conscience
vi Lawrence Kohlberg, from a summary by Jerry Schueler
vii Carol Gilligan, In a Different Voice
viii Ken Wilber, Integral Spirituality, page 13
ix Ken Wilber, op.cit.
x Ken Wilber, op.cit., page 20

©Copyright 2007 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“Altruism is a natural expression of human development and a healing force in society…Caring coupled with imagination and enterprise is the essence of creative altruism. If we ignore our capacity for compassion and care, we diminish the texture of our lives, our ability to help others heal and grow, and our collective potentials for social healing. By opening ourselves to the reality of shared being, we enhance the wonder and richness of the world and liberate the creative and constructive energies of the human heart, mind, and spirit.” —Tom Hurley

Karen Armstrong adds to her statement about the need for an ethic of compassion: “The early prophets did not preach the discipline of empathy because it sounded edifying, but because experience showed that it worked. They discovered that greed and selfishness were the cause of our personal misery. When we gave them up, we were happier. Egotism imprisoned us in an inferior version of ourselves and impeded our enlightenment.” Fascinatingly, recent neurological research by Moll and Jordan Grafman has shown that taking action in the best interests of others is coded in the brain. In a study in which they scanned the “brains of volunteers as they were asked to think about a scenario involving either donating a sum of money to charity or keeping it for themselves,” the results showed that “when the volunteers placed the interests of others before their own, the generosity activated a primitive part of the brain that usually lights up in response to food or sex. Altruism, the experiment suggested, was not a superior moral faculty that suppresses basic selfish urges, but rather was basic to the brain, hard-wired and pleasurable.” (Moll and Jordan Grafman are neuroscientists at the National Institutes of Health. Quote is from an article by Shankar Vedantam, The Washington Post, May 28, 2007.) There is an surviving and thriving impulse and advantage for those who develop and use their capacities for social intelligence. This social intelligence is accessed through the social engagement nervous system referred to on page 91 of Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics.

Compassion, not selectively for those who are similar—for that is easy—but for those who are different, even ‘enemies,’ is what brings, not only greater happiness and spiritual development, but also peaceful relations and the sustaining prosperity that comes from mutual aid. Compassion for all simply works better than aggression. Right use of power comes from compassion for all, rather than from fearful aggression. Because it feels good, because it makes us happier, because it improves relationships, because it makes the world a better place—for all these reasons, we need to support the soul development of compassion for all, including ourselves.

Story: My psychotherapy client sat down, took a moment and said, “I don’t think there’s anything to work on today.” “Maybe so. Why don’t you take a little time quietly with yourself and see if your unconscious offers something up to us out of the inner space you create, and if not, you could just leave for today.” After about 5 minutes, Margie said, “There is something kind of peeking out. It’s an impulse to do something to help on a world level.” “That sounds like health. You’ve been healing and empowering yourself. The desire for altruism is an organic thing. What’s it like when you experience this impulse peeking out?” “It’s like I feel like a child…very small, looking up at all these big, powerful people in high government positions.” “Overwhelmed and insignificant?” “Yes, and very naïve. Like, I’ve been in such a small little world, isolated. I guess I’ve been trying to keep my life manageable and safe.” “So you’re scared when you open up to a larger world.” “Yes, and then I have all these questions….How do I find reliable sources of information…I’m so uninformed. How do I not get overwhelmed by all the pain and disasters? How do I find some way to help that would be effective and not too painful or draining?” “Lots of good questions.” “Too big, I can’t sustain this impulse…it just goes away.”

How do we help our clients and ourselves channel the natural impulse for altruism? How do we help them discover that service is a primary source of contentment and meaning? What is the curriculum for the soul work of learning compassion? Karen Armstrong’s curriculum is simple. She tells a story: “Rabbi Hillel, the older contemporary of Jesus, taught the golden rule in a particularly emphatic way. One day a heathen asked him to sum up the whole of Jewish teaching while standing on one leg. Hillel stood on one leg and replied: “that which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the Torah; the rest is commentary; go and learn it!” The practice of right use of power and influence goes beyond the treatment room. This is ethics as world service.

©Copyright 2007 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

What a pleasure to go to the site here at GoodTherapy.org and find responses to the Ethics Column from Sam and Sally and Meg and Rob. I want to appreciate you for your interest in ethics and for your thoughtful and thought-generating words.

Grief and the Sensitivity Cycle

Both Meg and Rob were thinking about grief. So a bit more about that. Grief, of course, has it’s own rhythm and pace, and is a process….neither to be rushed nor clung to. I’m reminded of the Sensitivity Cycle from the Hakomi Method. The Sensitivity Cycle describes the process of becoming more and more sensitive and effective. It has four phases: clarity, effectiveness, satisfaction, and relaxation. All four phases need attention and organically move on to the next. In thinking of grief, for example, first you need to be clear about what you’re grieving, then take some kind of effective action, then find and integrate some satisfaction from the action you took, and then relax and let go—so that you will have made space for a new cycle. It is easy to get stuck at each phase and with grief it seems that the most common place to get stuck is in letting go. Getting unstuck and letting go when it is time seems to involves having a “gut” sense of the timing. It also involves trusting that letting go of the process of grieving for a person, thing, or event, doesn’t mean letting go of it all, but rather knowing that you have integrated it, or the learning from it, within you.

In responding to Sally who is looking for some more depth, I’d like to say something about two kinds of ethical decision-making edited from pages 59-61 of my book: Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics. I find that we as professionals most often think of ethical decision-making simply and solely as the second kind I describe as complex decision-making without putting conscious attention toward ordinary moment, every day kind of ethical decision-making.

Ordinary moments—ethical attention.

The basic ethical question is: Is what I am doing in the best interest of my client? With this question in mind, the preponderance of ethical decisions are made moment to moment in the ordinary process of sessions with your clients. Commitment to the best interests of your clients is the often unnamed and yet constant foundation that guides your interventions. Everyday ethical decisions involve both personal integrity and professional responsibility. For example, supporting your client’s accurate self-assessment of progress, conveying compassion for suffering, holding hope when your client has lost their hope, making sure you complete a session in a timely way. Ethical decision making is deeply embedded in your professional relationships. Moment to moment decisions create trust.

Ordinary Moment Ethical Decision-making

Let’s break this down a little further. When being ethically sensitive and aware, there are two kinds of ethical decision-making. The first arises in everyday, ordinary service moments. These require tracking subtle energetic cues, attitudes of integrity, and attunement to being in right relationship. Here are some everyday, normal instances using client questions:

•How often should I be coming to see you?
•Will you write a recommendation for me?
•Can we go later today?
•Can I pay at a reduced rate?
•Would you meet me for coffee to talk about a business idea?
•Is this situation I’m in a healthy one?
•Tell me about your marriage.

Decision-making Using Ethical Codes & Power Spiral

Far less frequently, you are called to make complex ethical decisions that require time to think through your response, consulting with your supervisor, referring to your Ethical Code, and/or using the Power Spiral model in the Right Use of Power book. Examples of such ethical challenges might be:

•deciding how to manage an inevitable dual role relationship
•making a DSM4 diagnosis and considering the ramifications
•reporting impending or actual harm effectively and skillfully
•confidentiality exceptions
•deciding whether your client is being re-traumatized
•making appropriate referrals
•responding and adapting to cultural diversity
•use of touch
•self-disclosure
•handling sexual issues
•dealing with possible unethical behavior by colleagues.

In these non-ordinary complex situations, there are many forces and influences to consider. Some of these include: regional laws, ethical code, clinical assessment, gut intuition, standards of practice, transference, supervisor recommendations, cultural norms, risk to client and/or caregiver, employer policies, client wishes, client’s life circumstances, and your personal issues and feelings.

I hope you will find it useful to think in terms of these two different categories of ethical decision-making. I look forward to hearing from you if you wish to respond.

Cedar Barstow

For more information about Right Use of Power see www.rightuseofpower.com

©Copyright 2007 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Use anger correctly and positive results can happen! This statement is very shocking, for it is in direct contradiction with experience. Most people have witnessed the sharp and cutting blade of anger as it slashes and cuts its victims and have experienced the unresolved anger that creates emotional distance be-tween themselves and their loved ones. It is natural to experience anger, but how can it achieve positive results?

When anger destroys a relationship, it was not used correctly. When the ex-pression of anger works in a positive direction, it clarifies to others the bounda-ries necessary for all successful and healthy relationships. Anger communicates a warning that a perceived violation has occurred and provides the necessary energy to do what is necessary to correct the situation. As strange as it may ap-pear, without anger there can be no successful relationships!

Anger has two distinct groups; new anger and old anger. Old anger is resent-ments, unmet expectations, and past emotional wounds. Old anger is each unre-solved anger event stored inside of us that when combined with a new annoy-ance adds to the emotional pressure cooker. Anger is energy and when this new anger is added to the boiling cauldron of unexpressed emotions, there is no place for this force to go blowing off the pot’s lid, as in the expression “blowing my lid”!. The broken shoelace may be the last bit of energy added to the anger soup already cooking that result in the inevitable explosion! The sad part is that usually the targets of anger are the people that are the closest and loved the most.

Anger that is verbally expressed when it occurs, somehow does not add to the stockpile of old anger, and therefore loses its explosion potential. This is a simple rule of successful living. Appropriately expressing the anger as soon as possible keeps this anger energy from winding up in our internal “anger pots”.

What is the best method of appropriately expressing this powerful emo-tion? A very simple, yet effective method of decreasing this energy is by actually saying the feeling word such as “mad”, “angry”, “frustrated”, etc. In order for these words to release the energy, say them aloud. This verbal expression of emotions allows the person to connect with the energy behind the feeling, result-ing in a decrease in the intensity of the situation. If the relationship is important, then the direct expression of the anger toward that person is necessary for main-taining a healthily relationship. Other people need to know what the anger is about; for not many are mind readers!

When people use anger to build relationships, each person has a clear under-standing of the other’s needs and boundaries. The expression of anger can be in normal conversational and even in a polite tone of voice; shouting, hitting, or the silent treatment is not confronting the anger in a healthy and successful manner.

A simple but effective method of confronting others in a non-threatening method is the “See-Feel-Need’ method. Confront the person who is the recipient of the anger using this simple model: “I see what happened… (describing the event)” “this is how this made me feel…(use real feeling words, such as anger, hurt, etc) ” and “I need this from you…”(How can resolution ever begin until the anger person identifies what is needed for solution?)

Since becoming aware of individual anger is the key to this discussion, take personal responsibility for your anger by using “I” statements. Use “I” statements instead of the attacking the person by pointing the verbal “you” finger; this puts the responsibility back where really belongs, on the person doing the confronting. Ask the question, whose problem is it? The answer is that it belongs to the per-son who is angry. Think about it this was, the person who is causing the anger might not even be aware of how their behavior is affection others and may even be surprised when confronted.

Take personal responsibility for the problem by using the non-threatening “I” statements, as in “I have got a problem”. Then use the “See-Feel-Need” method for asking for what you need. This “See-Feel-Need” system increases assertive-ness in a style that is non-threatening. Attack the problem, not the person!

The last part of this little equation is this… “ask for what you want, be thankful for what you get, and then in a non-destructive methods to negotiate the differ-ence”. Try to develop an attitude of allowing what others also need, commonly called a “win-win” situation.

Personally deal with old anger by being willing to bring up wounds from the past with any associated pain but most importantly take responsibility for the emotion, don’t blame but talk about the situation. Grieving may be a necessary part of the healing process. The key is to examine the wounds of yesterday and their associated feelings then allow them to heal in the present time. Acknowl-edge the old anger, examine it, learn from the experience, and when that is com-pleted the anger is not needed, so let it go.

Many self-help groups are safe places to express anger, pain, and shame. If the anger is overwhelming and /or depression has occurred, a good starting place is a professional counselor. A trained mental health therapist can assist in unlocking the old anger and associated shame.

By choosing to use anger correctly allows the freedom to live today without the burden of yesterday. These few simple but very difficult steps will allow anger to work as nature designated, building not destroying relationships. Managing anger requires willingness to manage this emotion, direct expression of anger toward the correct person, and most importantly, the verbal expressing of the ac-tual feeling words. Although this is a simple plan, it is not easy. Use anger cor-rectly and positive results will happen.

©Copyright 2008 by David Walton Earle, LPC. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact David and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Ethics as Soul Work

I slept and dreamt that life was joy;
I awoke and saw that life was service;
I acted and behold, service was joy.
–Rabindranath Tagore

I appreciate your interest in using your personal and professional power with wisdom and compassion. I think of ethics as right use of power. In fact, right use of power and influence is the biggest container for ethics since it includes social consciousness and personal development. In this greatest context, it is about reverence for life, treating all people with respect, and acting honorably. It requires a high level of consciousness development and understanding of both harm and empowerment.

This context for ethics includes and honors the value of prescribed codes and guidelines and goes beyond into the realm of repairing harm, restoring relationships, and promoting well-being. Ethical behavior in this framework requires a high level of consciousness development and understanding of both harm and empowerment.

This is the first of a series of articles devoted to exploring issues of power in our personal and professional lives. Expect a new column every 4-6 weeks.

In working with ethical sensitivity from a soul deep point of view, I think there are a number of things that are asked of us as healers and as human beings.

1. On-going personal and spiritual work

2. An ability to be authentic, and at the same time, be in service to others.

3. The humility to know and take responsibility when we’ve made a mistake or inadvertently caused harm.

4. A level of transcendence in which we can put our own needs aside in order to be of service.

5. An ability to foster independence even when we’re being depended upon for our helpfulness.

6. Thorough knowledge of Self and an ability to use our strengths as resources and minimize the impact of our vulnerabilities.

7. A capacity to be in the presence of suffering and woundedness with compassion, without dissociating, numbing or getting overwhelmed.

8. A call to “make real” our gifts and intentions.

9. A willingness to use power and influence.

Being in service to others can be draining. How can we nourish our own souls when engaged in realms of service to others?

Here are four essential resources to cultivate:

1. Gratitude. Gratitude clears out stress and focuses our attention on the goodness around us.

2. Honoring the grief we feel about the suffering of others. We can do this by taking the grief directly and momentarily into our hearts and then send it on. This allows us to move it through our bodies and souls so we don’t have to respond by either getting numb or feeling traumatized.

3. Having a practice of contemplation or prayer. This keeps our hearts and right brain hemispheres open to information beyond our sensory signals. This information comes from the medium that connects us all.

4. Linking power and heart. When the generativity and responsiveness of our power is guided by loving concern for the well-being of all, we will have an ethical and sustainable world.

Pain and suffering, they are a mystery. Kindness and love, they are a mystery. But I have learned that kindness and love can pay for pain and suffering.
–Barbara Kingsolver

I will be happy to respond to your specific questions in this column. Please write me directly at Cedar@RightUseOfPower.com

Sincerely,
Cedar

For more information about Right Use of Power see www.rightuseofpower.com

©Copyright 2007 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

RIGHT USE OF POWER IS URGENTLY IMPORTANT.
Right use of power and influence is surely one of the most important issues facing us in our emerging globally interdependent world. Interest in right use of power takes us in the dynamic realms of roles, relationships, and trust. We engage with finding out how we impact others and then with developing the skills and compassion to be more and more effective. This is inspiring and valuable process.

UNDERSTANDING MORE THAN ONE ROLE
Some of you are clients or potential clients. Some of you are therapists or helping professionals. My intention is for this article to be of value in whatever role you are in. All of us have personal experience on both sides of relationships of trust: as clients, patients, students, children, committee members….and as therapists, social workers, parents, teachers, guides, coaches, committee heads, body workers, office managers. We have a sense for what each role feels like, but it is often hard to remember what the other role experience is. One of the hallmarks of the right use of power is to make the dynamics and expectations of each role open, clear, and understood by all.

HONORING OUR COURAGE
I want to begin here by acknowledging you. As clients you gather your courage and risk your vulnerability and authenticity in the hope of healing and growing. As therapists you willingly take on a highly responsible and often challenging job in the hope of enabling healing and growing. In both roles you have the desire and capacity to use your power magnificently to repair harm and to promote well-being. We all want and need to be able to use our personal and professional power to manifest our desires and goals.

RIGHT USE OF POWER DEFINED
Now, when you think of the word “power” what comes to mind? For most people the word holds a range of associations from manipulation and abuse to helpfulness but the associations tend to be negative, wounding, or painful. The actual definition of power is the ability to have an effect. Simple. The ability to have an effect. Like money and technology, it is how we use power that matters. Being alive inevitably involves having an effect. We need to be able to have an effect. As clients we can misuse our power, by becoming too dependent on our caregivers and losing our ability to access our own wisdom and self-awareness. As therapists we can misuse our power by being afraid of causing harm, and thus inadvertently not take charge when it is needed. Both of these are misuses of power by not owning the power that is ours and thus causing harm to ourselves or others by under-using it.

Right use of power and influence is any use of power that does any or all of the following: prevents harm, reduces harm, repairs harm, promotes well-being. I invite you to consider trying on and embracing a new and broad based understanding of power. A new understanding that will support you in being more and more wise, skillful, and effective.

POWER DIFFERENTIAL ROLES
“I’m trying to imagine ethics without an awareness of power. That would be like trying not to step on anyone’s toes, without an awareness of one’s feet.)
The power differential is the inherently greater or enhanced power and influence that therapists have as compared to their clients. Understanding both the value and the many complex impacts of the power differential is the core of ethical awareness. Written codes for behavior are based on the strong positive and negative impacts of this power differential.

Clients are in a position in which they must trust in the knowledge and guidance of their therapist. This difference results in a greater than ordinary vulnerability on the part of the client. Consequently clients are unusually susceptible to harm and confusion through misuses (either under- or over- use) of power and influence.

VALUE OF THE POWER DIFFERENTIAL
In the helping professions, the power differential has great value. Used wisely and appropriately, it creates a safe, well-boundaried, professional context for growth and healing. More specifically, when used ethically, the power differential offers clients some very important assurances.
Confidence in their caregiver’s knowledge, training and expertise
Security and safety
Direction and support
Role boundary clarification
Allocated responsibilities

POWER DIFFERENTIAL ROLE DIFFERENCES
To help make the differences more transparent for you whether you are a therapist or a client, here is a summary. As you read this list, please remember what it is like to be in each role. We all have experiences in both roles. Some of you may have difficulty with the idea that one person has more power than another. Power-up is often seen as a devaluing or disrespectful thing. Please understand that power-up does not mean inequality as human beings. Rather, it refers to a role in which having enhanced power is vital to the success of therapy. A role—either client or therapist role—is not your identity, it is more like a cloak that you put on and off.

Caregiver: Power-up role
Is in service
Increased and enhanced power and influence
Is paid for time and expertise
Sets and maintains appropriate boundaries
Own needs and personal process are not focused on.
Lesser vulnerability
Depended on for trustworthiness, earns trust
150% responsible for tracking and repairing relationship difficulties
May be idealized and devalued
May need to assist client in being more empowered
Makes assessments and evaluates results

Client: Power-down role
Is served
Very often experiences a decreased felt sense of power and influence
Pays for service
Accepts or challenges boundaries
Own needs and personal process is known and focused on—self-revelation is important
Greater vulnerability to rejection, criticism, undue influence, being taken advantage of, disrespect
Needs to trust
100% responsible for naming and working with difficulties
More susceptible to idealizing and devaluing
May unnecessarily dis-empower self
Collaborates with or responds to assessments

The chart above refers to clients as being in “power-down” position. Some clients experience power-down as disempowered. They may give “all” their power to their caregiver; or distrust their own knowledge, research, intuition or gut feelings; or be overly self-protective and unrevealing. As a therapist, your role opportunity and responsibility is to teach them to be more empowered and engaged in their healing process. You may encourage them to be more collaborative and pro-active. As a client, your opportunity is to experience “power-down” in an empowered way. You can bring the power of your perceptions, needs, and interests to the therapeutic relationship, and take appropriate responsibility for the relationship working well.

150% EQUATION
It is necessary, however, to remember that even though responsibility is shared, the therapist is considered to be ultimately more responsible. Marni Harmony, a minister, metaphorically calls this the 150% Equation—both are 100% responsible and the practitioner is 150% responsible. Consistently, in the most successful helping relationships, the practitioner actively encourages clients to be honest and forthcoming in their responses to the relationship and the services provided. This collaborative feeling reduces the misunderstandings and increases the ease with which difficulties can be repaired. This is what is meant by sharing responsibility for satisfaction and success. However, due to the increased power and influence the person in greater role power, is the one who is 150% responsible for noticing and resolving difficulties and holding established boundaries.

Whether you are reading this from the perspective of client or therapist, I recommend that you read through the chart of role responsibilities with a view to noticing ways in which you could be more sensitive, aware, or powerful in your role.

EXAMPLES OF RIGHT USES OF POWER
Next, I would like to tell four stories, one related to each of the four aspects of right use of power: to prevent harm, to repair harm, to heal harm, to promote well-being.

1. USING POWER TO PROMOTE WELL-BEING
Story: Robert’s client Henry complained of tightness and pain in his lower back and thighs. He spoke of constantly and actively being on guard for danger so that he could be ready to take protective action. Robert asked Henry to show him how he guarded. Henry described having power in his fingertips that could send out flashes of lightning if anyone threatened. His eyes surveyed and he held his chest up. His whole body was taut with readiness to assert his power. Robert asked about what the alertness was protecting. Henry replied, “My heart.” Robert asked Henry to take his awareness from his fingers to his heart and belly and notice what he experienced. After a long silence, Henry spoke. “I see that when I bring my power and awareness back to my belly, I feel quite strong and safe. When I have my power out in my fingertips, I scare people and isolate myself. And, to my surprise, I feel desperate and much less powerful. You know, like ‘more bark than bite’. After another silence, Henry noticed that his lower back was relaxing. The pain was connected to putting his power outside rather than inside.
Through the explorations in this therapy session Henry had found his true and benevolent power. Beginning to use his power from his center will be good for his own well-being as well as that of the people he comes in contact with.

2. USING POWER TO HEAL HARM
Story: Nancy’s client Elena had seemed quite comfortable with touch. She always asked for a hug at the end of the session and was readily able to access body information. During one session she got in touch with a deep longing for connection, and began weeping. Nancy gently reached her hand out and put it on Elena’s knee to offer comfort. Elena quickly said in a sharp tone, “Don’t touch me!” Nancy was surprised and quickly apologized and removed her hand, thanking Elena for telling her she didn’t want to be touched. Elena responded that she knew that it was okay to say what she needed. Nancy then offered a self-study experiment of offering her hand and inviting Elena to move her hand toward Nancy’s stopping when she began to get anxious. Nancy noticed that was rubbing the fingers of her other hand with her thumb as she moved her right hand closer to Nancy’s outstretched hand. Elena said that her left hand was acting as both a guard against harm and a guide reminding her what good touch feels like. Elena slowly moved her right hand, stopping several times to check for safety, until she lightly touched the tips of Nancy’s fingers for a minute or so. As Nancy watched, Elena began weeping, moved her fingers gently away, looked at Nancy and said, “I stayed….and it was okay.”
In this process, Elena had an unexpected experience of receiving touch and being okay. This experience is the first step in the healing of a former misuse of power involving unsafe touch.

3. USING POWER TO REPAIR HARM
The phone message said, “I want to come in for a completion session because I need to use my financial resources for something else.” Steven, a body psychotherapist, wondered what else might be going on for this client who had not yet met the goals she had set for herself. When Carrie came for her completion session, she focused on how great therapy had been and how thankful she was, and how unfortunately she just couldn’t afford to come anymore. Steven sensed some other energy and asked Carrie, “Is there anything at all that you are disappointed about?” Carrie answered, “No, you have been such a good listener and so patient and insightful.” Steven checked again. “Thank you. As I think about the work we’ve done together, I wonder if you feel discouraged that the problem you came in to work on hasn’t resolved even though you’ve gotten clearer about it?”

Carrie was silent for a time and then, apparently feeling safe and encouraged, took what was a big risk for her. She spoke thoughtfully. “Yes, actually, I am disappointed. I’ve done a lot of therapy and once again it seems like it hasn’t worked. If it was working, I’d feel like my money was being well-used.” Steven contacted her feelings and courage and thanked her for being so honest. Carrie went on. “And something else, I have felt a little uncomfortable with how close to me you move your chair, and sometimes, like when we did the experiment when we were pushing hands so I could find out about anger, touching was too much. But I thought, you’re the therapist and I really want to change and so I never said anything.”

Steven took a breath and responded. “Thank you for telling me. Again that must have taken courage. I am so sorry that I wasn’t tracking the cues you have given me about your discomfort. Could we spend a few minutes with this? I’ll start moving my chair back and you tell me when the distance feels just right.” After finding and experiencing the right distance, which turned out to be about six feet away, Steven suggested an experiment in awareness in which he would move slowly closer. She would hold up her hand when she began to feel uncomfortable and they could both notice what happened. Steven described tracking a slight tensing in her cheeks, but otherwise, everything about Carrie’s demeanor and posture seemed visibly unchanged to him when she was uncomfortable.

Carrie had an insight: “I feel it all inside me and I put a lot of effort into making sure that you won’t notice anything that might not be agreeable.” Steven responded: “Great insight. So it seems that you have been working hard for me not to be able to notice. And you succeeded, but it cost you a lot of suffering. I’m imagining you might be a bit angry that I didn’t notice.” “Well, yes. You’re the therapist. You’re supposed to notice. I don’t want to have to tell you. Then I feel like I’m doing your job!” From this interaction, Steven was able to self-correct by being more attuned to Carrie’s discomfort cues and her fears of not being liked. Carrie had had a successful experience of revealing discomfort and not being rejected. She took a several month break and then returned to work successfully, this time, with being more personally engaged and self-disclosing in her relationships.
Steven used his sensitivity and skill to understand and then repair a serious relationship trust issue that he had not even been aware of. Had he not found a way to help Carrie talk about these concerns, her sense of betrayal and distrust could have escalated into a grievance or into a distrust of psychotherapy in general.

4. USING POWER TO PREVENT HARM
Story: He was a well-loved music teacher. He loved his students. After several months of therapy, he told his therapist that he was ready to talk about something he hadn’t had the trust to bring up before and even then wasn’t sure how it would be received. He had felt for a while that something about the way he loved his students, especially the boys, wasn’t right. Like he had noticed that when he gave one of the boys a hug, he was grasping on, wanting to father him, wanting to give him more than a teacher should. He had then had a dream that he was holding one of his students and then in the dream the student was holding him. The therapist appreciated his courage and helped him explore what was going on. His father had died when he was six and he had experienced an aching longing for father love and attention that he felt as an adult as a deep, vacant place in his chest. In paying attention to this place in his chest, it became clear that this was the emptiness he was trying to fill when he was hugging his students. Understanding this strong need from his childhood helped him find other ways to connect and be nourished—filling himself with his music, reaching out more to friends, being more playful. His love for his students then shifted dramatically to more appropriate expression.
This client’s courage in bringing this issue to therapy resulted in pro-active behavior that prevented unethical behavior that would have brought serious harm to his students.

Power and Heart
Whether in the role of therapist or in the role of client, power is the ability to have an effect. It could also be considered the ability to access and mobilize resources. Combining strength with deep compassion in the journey to mastery is numinous and potent. It brings together personal development and soul work (being) with creation and accomplishment (doing). Love and creativity yearn to be expressed in form. Being resourced by both personal and role power in the full use of Self is a right and a responsibility.

Much is accomplished when we can embrace and use our personal and professional power with heart and are actively engaged in the right use of this power for the good of all. Becoming familiar with the psychotherapy profession’s code of ethics and with contemporary ethical issues combined with doing personal work with our power history and beliefs, we become more skillful in staying related through conflict and keeping our relationships repaired. We are willing to be held responsible for our behavior. We can self-correct. We have proactively self-assessed for our ethical edges, and understand key dynamics around power,

We reach out our hands, not to strike or defend, but to compassionately relate. Our power and influence will be felt as peace and mutual well-being. This ethic synergizes power with the resonating concern of compassion. The formula is simple and yet mastery is a lifetime practice. Right Use of Power is power with heart, activated from the inside out. Be informed, Be compassionate, Be related, Be skillful.

©Copyright 2007 Cedar Barstow, M.Ed., C.H.T. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Cedar and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile