How many of the people that you know are truly happy with their bodies? Be honest: Are you satisfied with yours? If not, you might have a body image issue. Body image does not just refer to aspects of our physical appearance, attractiveness, and beauty. It also has to do with the mental picture you have of your own body as well as your thoughts, feelings, judgments, sensations, awareness and behaviour. Read More
Parent #1: It’s already December. We need to decide about Christmas and you had Johnny last year. Why do you think you should have him again this year? Parent #2: You know how important Christmas is to me. I’ll take him to my parents and he’ll have all his cousins around. Why should he miss out on the big Christmas celebration my parents always have. Parent #1: Because I want to spend Christmas with him too. Why should I lose out on time with him because it’s not a BIG celebration. Johnny needs to learn about all different ways of celebrating Christmas. Dividing up the holidays... Read More
Give up contention: This is called finding the unity of life. ~ Lao Tse As human beings we hurt one another. We make mistakes. Because of unskillful thoughts, speech and actions, we do harm to others and ourselves. Yet, without reconciliation we only deepen the harm and increase our suffering. This aspect of suffering pierces the heart. The primal mystery of being human relates to the heart and to a state of unknowing which can paradoxically be penetrated through vulnerability. “Interbeing,” a term coined by Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese monk who has been deeply engaged in bringing... Read More
Distressing, intrusive and overwhelming experiences/symptoms are an all too common for an anxious or traumatized mind. My clients often report feeling that they do not feel in control of their thoughts. As our thoughts and emotions are reliant upon one another, it makes sense that overwhelming or disturbing thoughts may result in a downward spiral of one’s mood. The principal of mindfulness is centered in the practice of Zen Buddhism. Mindfulness is a practice. It’s not something that you all of a sudden master in a moment’s time. The objective is learning to be in the present moment.... Read More
Media accounts of individuals with disabilities who have achieved something will often refer to such people as having “overcome” their disabilities in order to become successful. Sometimes such people will also be referred to as “brave,” as if they had another alternative to living with their disabilities. The problem with this formulation is that it suggests that people with disabilities ought to, essentially, disown their impairments; it suggests that we succeed despite our disabilities, and not with them, or because of them. They are not really a part of us—just some sort of encumbrance—and... Read More
I would like to begin this, my second entry, with a statement that I believe is an important one for me to make. I don’t consider myself an expert on Somatic Experiencing. Perhaps Peter Levine is the only pure expert. The sense in which I intend this is the following. I was a Body-centered Psychotherapist for twenty-six years prior to beginning my training in Somatic Experiencing. I had many years of learning both from other teachers as well as hands-on in my own practice. I am the separate and unique individual that I am, as we all are, and I bring my uniqueness to my work. This statement, really,... Read More
Are you tired of intense and destructive marital arguing and want it to stop? Do you need some space to think about things more clearly? Are you thinking about a separation but are not sure how to pull it off without making things worse? Do you feel like you just need a break from all the tension? It might be time to separate—either formally, legally, or “in-house.” In an effort to save a troubled marriage, a separation can be useful if done with agreement between both spouses and a high degree of respect (even when you are angry). A separation does not signify that a divorce is inevitable.... Read More
As more anger tools have been requested, I wanted to add more to the potential list to choose from when developing your own anger plan -- meaning some of the tools you practice and can use when finding yourself angry. Please know that there is no perfect list for all -- what we want is the perfect list for you. Examine / Challenge Your Automatic Thoughts: When an event or situation occurs, each of us will have thoughts about it and, depending on these and how we view the situation, we will feel accordingly. Let me use an example. Say, the situation is your boss wanting to meet with you. When... Read More
If you’ve done any channel surfing at all in the last year or so, you might have come across a couple of documentary shows (“Hoarders” on A&E; “Hoarding, Buried Alive” on TLC) featuring people who are living with/in massive amounts of clutter and/or trash in their homes. The piles of “stuff” often reach nearly to the ceilings and there is barely space to stand in much less walk across a room. The programs show professional organizers and psychotherapists working with these people to clean out their homes. If you’ve seen either of these shows, then you know what I mean when I say... Read More
For years in our culture, most of us have defined family in a particular way. We assume that when we say “family” we mean a group of people who are related by birth, adoption, and marriage. And when we say marriage, we have pictured the promised relationships between men and women. But meanings around American marriage and family are changing. Gays and lesbians have won the right to marry in five states, with number six, California, embroiled in legal battle over the reversal of the 2008 state law allowing homosexual marriages. While many of us keep our eye on the legal and religious debates... Read More
Clients often tell me that they hate their bodies. Sometimes I reply, “Really? You hate your spleen and your liver and your kidneys?” And they look baffled and say, “I never thought about that.” Because when a client says that she hates her body, she means, “I can’t stand the way my body looks, and I can’t distinguish between my physical appearance and my body it self. I’ve reduced my body to a one-dimensional object. I’m repelled by what I see, and I consider my body to be only what I see, no more than that.” I have heard this from clients of all shapes and sizes. The client... Read More
In the previous three "Signs of Low Self-Esteem" articles, we've looked at a total of ten potential signs of low self-esteem. In this article, we examine two more possible signs of low self-esteem, and what to do about them. Remember, it's impossible to look at a particular behavior and label it a high- or low-self-esteem behavior by itself. Self-esteem is always indicated by a pattern of behaviors, not single ones. Hostility to the Very Concept of Self-Esteem This one is obviously a little tricky. But let's put it like this: Hating or being apathetic to the idea of enjoying a positive... Read More
Often the parent of a teenager or young adult in recovery will tell me that their son or daughter is “like an extension of myself”. They might describe their offspring as being “like one of my own limbs” or “so close, it’s like we’re one person”. Inwardly, when I hear this, I often cringe. On the one hand, it’s wonderful when a parent feels close to his or her child, has become deeply invested in the child’s well-being, intimately attuned to their joys and pains. How could a conscientious parent not be? On the other hand, it’s possible that this kind of intensity constitutes... Read More
I have been realizing of late how much nonverbal cues effect us at work and socially. We therapists don’t really focus on this. I think it is a good idea to pay more attention not only to what our clients communicate verbally but also what they communicate nonverbally. In sessions, we can help them become more aware and coach them in making better choices. What constitutes nonverbal communication? It is messages we send and receive without words. These messages can be intentional and unintentional, conscious and subconscious. Non verbal cues are not just “body language”. It is the way... Read More
