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We make promises throughout life; sometimes we focus on major promises, such as marriage vows or in extraordinary situations where much is at stake. Other times, our promises are small; we may promise to perform some errand or to keep our word about providing an object to someone else. The theme of breaking promises and the capacity for a host of emotional difficulties to arise for both parties in the wake of such circumstances has been examined by many fields over time, but the theme has recently received special attention from one researcher who has revealed some interesting information on how we behave in relation to our promises.

Manuela Vieth, who conducted her study with support from the NWO’s Division for the Social Sciences, focused her inquiry on the way in which we perceive people based on their actions and words in regards to making and keeping promises. Through a series of interactions between pairs of unacquainted people, her research tested the limits of trustworthiness with a basic rewards and punishments scheme usable by both parties, based on a simple income-making model that allotted money to subjects depending on their choices. The research suggested that we perceive people who make promises to be more trustworthy, and that this reaction is even stronger than the positive response to promises that are kept. Read the rest of this entry

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Click here to contact Anne and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Trust is essential for a good enough relationship. It is possible to be naïve and trust someone too much while at the other end of the continuum is not being able to trust someone. Building trust in a relationship with a partner is a process that takes time.

Most of us learn to trust in others during our formative years. Our beloved parent leaves, then returns; the repetition of this experience helps us build trust that we will be taken care of, and that we are lovable and loved. Our parents scold us when we make a mistake, then give us a hug to reassure us that we are loved even though we make mistakes. It is during those early years that we learn that we are lovable and build the self-esteem we need for our adult years. When we have a strong sense of self-esteem and know that we are lovable, trusting others comes in a natural, easy manner.

Two basic truths concerning trust are: (1) most people will do whatever they believe they need to do, in the moment, to take care of themselves; (2) each individual must trust him or herself to take care of him or herself.

Research has shown that most people who have affairs do so because they are looking for love. Being part of a good enough relationship is part of self-care, and helps us build positive self-esteem. If we become aware that we are in a relationship that is hurtful and damaging to our self-esteem, we will be tempted to become engaged in a relationship with someone else when the opportunity presents itself. Read the rest of this entry

by Jennine E. Estes, M.A., Marriage and Family Therapist Intern

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It is very important to show your partner that you are trust-worthy….and here are some quick tips.

1. Follow through with what you say. If you tell your partner that you will be home by 8:00, come home no later than 8:00pm. If you are going to be late, call them and let them know ahead of time.

2. Don’t be unrealistic. Avoid saying that you will “Always” have your cell phone on or you will “Never” turn your phone off. This is unrealistic. Sometimes your phone will die or you might forget it or you might not hear it ring. Instead, tell your partner that you will try your best to answer the phone. And then….follow through with what you say (tip #1).

3. Let your Partner in. If you have a wall up, it hides things and creates a suspicious feeling from your partner. Avoid the suspicious behavior and be an open book. The more open you are, the more trust you can build.
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Written by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC

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Anyone who has experienced a breach of trust knows the pain and confusion of trying to rebuild it.  Many couples and families have experienced situations in their lives that lead to the loss of trust in someone.  It can be a fairly minor incident, like a teen being late for a few too many curfews, or it can be major, like an infidelity in a relationship.  The person who lied feels they can never do enough to be trusted again.  The one who was lied to feels they would be foolish to become too accepting, too soon. Here are some guidelines that can help in rebuilding trust: Read the rest of this entry