A GoodTherapy.org News Headline

Recent debates about the acceptability of torture in certain situations has led to renewed academic interest in the subject, and a study at Harvard University has examined the effects of complicity on perceptions of guilt among people submitted to pain or stress. The study split participants into those who met and did not meet a woman who was later heard being “tortured” over an intercom by having her hand placed in ice water, based on the accusation that she had cheated to secure money. Those participants who met the woman and responded to the feigned torture reported higher levels of suspected guilt the more the woman appeared to suffer, whereas those who did not meet the woman–-thus not taking part in the witnessing of ongoing torture–were more likely to suspect less guilt as apparent pain level and distress rose. The study may have important implications for understanding the psychology of torture administration and prevention.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Columbia Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

By Barbi Pecenco Kolski, MA

The most damaging thing we can do to our partner is to shame them. What does shaming sound like? It is most often a statement made with a tone that conveys disgust and gives our partner the message that they aren’t OK or are somehow bad or wrong. Here are some examples I’ve heard in my office or used on my husband (before I learned how bad shaming is for relationships):

• “What is the matter with you?” or “What the hell were you thinking?”
• “Be a real man” or “Man up” or “What kind of a man would ask me to pay rent?”
• “You are disgusting!” or “You are a loser!”
• “Joe Shmoe is a real family man.” (implying that your partner isn’t)
• “You are just like your mother/father.” (if this isn’t a compliment and let’s face it, it usually isn’t!)
• “You’re crazy!” or “You’re so emotional!” or “You’re so needy!” or better yet “You’re psycho!”

Shaming can also be conveyed non-verbally by eye-rolling, huffing and puffing, giving a nasty look, or being sarcastic. Read the rest of this entry

By Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D., Body-Mind Psychotherapy Topic Expert Contributor

Click here to contact Jeanette and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Shame about the remedies, but the care sure feels good!

Monique was a hostage to migraine attacks. They lasted for hours and she was unable to do anything but lie down in bed until it passed. Sometimes her migraine was accompanied by nausea and other times by cramps or acid reflux. Treatments from herbalists, acupuncturists, nutrionists, homeopathic doctors, spiritual healers, medical doctors and meditation did nothing to stop the onset or reduce the severity of the pain and exhaustion that accompanied the episodes. But she enjoyed the care and concern the service providers showed, and came away feeling lighter and better.

A friend’s response made the pain and nausea melt away.

At a party one evening Monique found herself in a group with her best friend and others she didn’t know. She felt awkward. She tried to join in the conversation but it didn’t feel right. Later that evening she told her friend that she felt a migraine coming on and left the party early. Sure enough Monique had a humdinger of a migraine. Her head throbbed, she vomited and had trouble sleeping. The next day she felt tired and weak, unable to do all the things she had planned. She called her friend to tell her about her difficult night. Her friend came over to make sure she was okay, take the dog out for a walk and handle some mail that needed attention. Monique rested and was immensely grateful that her friend was available and responsive at her time of need. Read the rest of this entry

A GoodTherapy.org News Summary

Much of modern society is often termed as “shameless,” especially in terms of media and product promotion. But shame is still very much a part of the average human experience, and while some people may quickly and easily be able to overcome the feeling of shame, others may become debilitated. Shame, whether arising from a perceived faux-pas or other shortcoming, or from a traumatic event, can sometimes take hold of a person’s self-image and cause them to feel powerless and essentially wrong or bad, elements that are significantly detrimental to the enjoyment of life, work, and relationships.

Hoping to help those suffering from debilitating feelings of shame as well as mental health professionals who work with shame-affected clients, Jessica Van Vliet of the University of Alberta has recently published a study that sought to examine how shame can be confronted and released. Van Vliet’s work suggests that some of the most promising avenues towards overcoming feelings of shame include distancing oneself from a shameful event or situation and taking on a new perspective, as well as considering the source of the shame in light of the experiences and lives of others. In fact, making social connections is one of the strongest prescriptions in Van Vliet’s discussion. Read the rest of this entry

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Culver City Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

A GoodTherapy.org News Update

Times have been harrowing for professionals in nearly every field of late. As the unemployment rate rises and media attention to the recession shows no signs of taking a break, workers are finding themselves thrust into a financially unhappy situation at larger numbers every day. It’s perfectly understandable that those laid off from their jobs are susceptible to depression, anxiety, and general feelings of woe, especially in cases of lost retirements and difficulty in securing new employment. Yet those who still retain their positions may suffer too — albeit, for slightly different reasons. Read the rest of this entry

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Dallas Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

By Barbi Pecenco Kolski, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern

Click here to contact Barbi and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

People often come into therapy talking about what bad people they are and go on to describe the “horrible” things they have done. Their language is often extremely pathologizing and they feel they deserve to beat themselves up. They are filled with shame, believing that their behavior shows what a bad person they are.

A good therapist will listen in a nonjudgmental way and help the person to see that a person is not their behavior. We are so much more than our behavior. I also like to explain to clients the difference between “healthy guilt”, “neurotic guilt” and “shame”. When we experience healthy guilt, we are essentially saying, “Ok, I messed up. I violated a value that I have that says….blacking out, cheating on my boyfriend, lying to my parents, you fill in the blank…is wrong. I am not happy with this behavior, so I need to take some steps to self-correct.” Read the rest of this entry

By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

Click here to contact Lisa and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

If there’s one thing that we all seek – it’s happiness. I’ve never met a person who has told me they didn’t want to be happy, have you? When I do individual therapy, I have the opportunity to sit down with people as they present their concerns to me – whatever they may be. They usually seek therapy because they’re experiencing some level of emotional distress – and are fundamentally unhappy. I’ve noticed that a number of things come up over and over for people as reasons why this is so. There are certain things they either have – or don’t have – and with this information I’ve been able to come to an understanding of a question posed by many:

“What makes people happy?”

What do they have that others don’t? What’s their secret?

The following are my 6 secret qualities of happy people, in no particular order: Read the rest of this entry

by Jeanine Austin, Ph.D.

I once read a statistic that said many people die each year choking in restaurant bathrooms. Apparently, people in public places are often embarrassed that they are choking and they run to the bathroom to hide. This got me thinking about the fact that many of us are tempted to hide out when we are ashamed rather than seek help.

Healthy shame may help us to recognize when we need to change our behavior or adhere to healthy social norms. When we hold onto shame and begin to over-identify with our shameful feelings or behavior we move into toxic shame. Toxic shame can cripple us emotionally; it may keep us from moving forward in our life and we often find ourselves on a downward moving spiral to self-doubt and ultimately self-hatred.

Some people who tend toward perfectionism will react with shame when anything manifests in their life that looks unpleasant. Their pain is often doubled in that they have to deal with the pain of the situation and also the pain of shame. If they hide out with their shame they may also miss opportunities to be supported and loved by those whose love is unconditional. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Mitchell Milch, LCSW

Click here to contact Mitchell and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

On the evening of the 6th anniversary of 9/11 I watched the heart wrenching television images of children of those whose lives were tragically taken on that ill fated morning in 2001. These images stirred me to write about the topic of survivor guilt that is never too far from my heart as a psychotherapist and an American Jew.

One doesn’t have to lose a loved one to a tragic and unnecessary death to suffer survivor guilt. This symptom for lack of a better description is a recipe for chronic unhappiness. It is in simplest terms feeling guilty about being happy with one’s lot in life. It is not necessarily induced by the experience of a tragic loss of a parent or parental surrogate. It is nonetheless, the legacy of what I do consider to be tragedies if the victims do not get help in adulthood to treat their problems. They are tragedies because generations of family members may go through their lives with countless blessings from which to derive meaning, joy and happiness from and yet, not feel entitled to enjoy any of them. They do no better than survive.

Misery is as much who they are as their right arms and they feel that they have no choice but to suffer if they are to have even a temporary respite from feeling guilty and experience some happiness.

This article will explore the types of experiences that shape survivor guilt and what those of us who suffer from it must do to move toward overcoming it. Read the rest of this entry

Written by Jeanine Austin, Ph.D.

It is difficult when we find ourselves dealing with a situation that we would never want consciously to create. These days, when many believe that we create our total reality, we may feel guilty if our life seems to contain aspects in it which are untoward. Whether we have stubbed our toe or are facing a terminal cancer diagnosis, we may wonder why these unpleasant elements have manifested in our lives. Did we create this? Are we vibrationally unfit?

With the popularity of the movie “The Secret”, which is about the Law of Attraction (L.o.A.), we may be tempted to blame ourselves or others when certain things have manifested in one’s life. While the Law of Attraction does have its place in the scheme of our life, it is just one of many life laws. We may unconsciously use blame as a way to distance ourselves from others who are suffering. Some may even think or actually say to sufferers, “Well, you manifested that”. Ester and Jerry Hicks (Abraham) who first formally began discussing the Law of Attraction would never wish that the Law of Attraction concept be utilized to rationalize callousness or unkindness. While we want to be aware of the power we have in attracting into our lives the elements that we wish for, ultimately attracting what we want and becoming more actualized beings through contrast is also a powerful force. Most of us will relate to the seemingly paradoxical force of creating and becoming through contrast. Some metaphysicians believe that we may have asked before our birth that we be in challenging contrasting roles so that we may have opportunities to work through karma and/or to “get off the karmic wheel” altogether through the force of challenge. This idea is similar to that of a body builder who pushes her muscles against the contrasting force of weight encouraging her muscles to grow bigger and stronger. Most of us know that when we work through difficulties, we have the opportunity to become more compassionate, stronger, smarter and more actualized beings… Read the rest of this entry